Anxiety and Self Help

[Aanya]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, we've known eachother for 4. We broke up a lot in between, out of these 3, 2 years have been in Ldr going on till now.

My previous post has a few more details about us, but that's not what I want to write again.

In these 2 years of ldr we have had major ups and downs, my trust in him as been broken, he's chosen his friends over me at times when I've been down and needed him. We broke up last year same time for 2 weeks, I got emotionally codependent. My day wouldn't start and end for him, I wanted to talk all the time, I wanted to know what he was doing. I hated any girls he was around.
Yes, horrible feeling and horrible behaviour, self doubt and insecurities started to just break me down. Since then, I have worked on myself, I've told him about my lack of trust, he's worked on getting it back.

What I'm not able to do after all this time is, get comfortable with his friends, the fact he chose them over me just doesn't leave my mind. When he makes new friends now, I'm so afraid of that happening again. Yes I've shared with him, he's explained and re assured me well.

During the bad phase that we had last year, I had started putting him over myself, my studies, my social life.
I've stopped doing that since, but somedays that anxiety comes back so hard. It gets so bad I cannot work on anything and need to take a couple of hours to get better in my positive attitude.
I start to question him, start thinking negatively, start getting upset that he's enjoying himself there.

We don't really have an end date, we both want it to work and want an end date but our carriers aren't yet decided for.

I wake up thinking about him, everytime I'm alone I'm missing him. I don't want to do that, I can see it's not healthy for me. He doesn't go through these same issues, we spoke last night aboutthis for hours. He explained to me how he copes with the distance and anxiety or jealousy. I envy him for having it all figured out.
When he sits down to study, or when he's out with friends he doesn't text me, he doesn't respond. But when I do these things, I keep talking to him. So when he doesn't respond I get a little upset. I know I shouldn't, we need to have lives in our respective cities. I value him, but somedays I go down that spiral that he doesn't value me. That he doesn't miss me. He doesn't get bothered by not talking all day. See the pattern?
Since it's happened before, him not being there (he admitted and said that's what had happened), I feel like it can happen again. Again he can stop missing me, like his friends more.

Coping with LDR is getting tough for me. I would like to know how you all manage it, manage your studies and negative thoughts about the relationship.

[Aanya]

Sorry for the errors, third para - My day WOULD start with him.. and Careers 8th Para

[Onlineguy84]

I'm sorry but why are you in a ldr with someone you don't trust?
I also deal sometimes with anxiety and when that happens I usually go out for a run or a walk to get distracted it works very good for me. Try doing some outdoor activities or join a gym.
Also he needs to have friends to go out and so do you, I suggest every time he goes out you do the same that way you will not be thinking about him

[Aanya]

I do trust him now, it's not about loyalty anymore
It's my fear that's it's happened and CAN happen, yes this highlights trust issues, but it's really not
I am insecure, I feel he will and can be happier there and won't miss me. This is my problem
I was never this person, I have always been self assured, happy, confident.

And no I can't do that, I live with my parents, going out when he does is not at all possible.

[Lune]

Hello =)

With all you think about in your situation, it's at least a good thing, that you talked to him about this. And also learned how he copes with all this.
That he put his friends and other things over you and the relationship in the past is a thing that left a bad taste and your fear of it happening again, especially when the signs are similar or the same, is a normal consequence. But if you want it to work, you somehow have to trust on that it doesn't happen again or is better now, because otherwise the doubts could get too big and destroy what you have now, even if he doesn't do a thing to break your trust unless not being there all the time. What happened can not be undone, but that he worked on gaining you and your trust back as well, shows that he cares.
In live you can never be 100 % sure of things happening or not, but when you let that mess with your head too much it will just drive you crazy.

In general, what about your own friends? Do you go out and meet people, have hobbies like being in a sport club or something that keeps you busy? It's not easy to find a balance, but important. You can have him in your thoughts and heart all day, you can look forward to "meet up" in the evening or whenever your time schedule and distance allows it and do something together there like watching a movie, playing an online game, writing or talking in voice or video call, while telling each other about the day. Or also exchange messages in between, but also mind things on your own, that you can tell him maybe, but that should be done for yourself as well.
I think everyone has the wish now and then to talk 24/7, especially in a Long Distance Relationship, but when you go out with friends, you should not stare at your phone all the time, but be able to concentrate on them and have fun with them so they really know you are there for them, too. (And that's what he might do when he doesn't reply right away when he is out somewhere)The same with something else, that you can talk about with your boyfriend then, maybe get excited about trying something together someday like a sport or visiting some nice place and so on. Sometimes it can help to think about how you spend your time before the relationship began, what things you liked to do there and connect it, what can lead to finding new things or getting into old passions again ^^

Everyone has an own way to deal with the struggles of an LDR, but that doesn't have to mean a lack of feelings or care automatically =)

All the best for you and have a nice day ^^

[Aanya]

Thankyou so much Lune, I really felt better after reading your response
I am trying to let go of that fear, and it's getting better but somedays it just gets worse. I am doing the best I can to not let it affect me.
I cannot do much as I have a time constraint living at home, and most of my friends too are busy with college. I have started to keep my phone aside when out, and only if it is something important I text him at that time.

[Lune]

I am glad, that it helped a bit =) It really is not easy, but you can learn how to deal with it.

That you cannot do much is a thing, but maybe a thing like Second Life or so could be something for you then, where you can "go out" and meet people from all around the world without the need of leaving your house. They also have stuff like discussion groups there, you can learn to built and so on. It's a it into the direction of the Sims game just way more and it's free ^^