need advice LDR

[chiquis_916]

so i've been with my fiance for almost 2 years and we know each other for about 4 years or 3 years. between the 2 years we have broken up and i will block him with social media but not through my phone. he knows that i'm bi-polar and i suffer with anxiety, depression, panic attacks. also I'm a full time student so it does get tough for me since i do stress out, but he understands my situation. the problem that we have is that he doesnt like the LD he gets stress and he did got confused about me if he wants to be with me he mentioned it to me back in may when i got my plane ticket to go to mexico and be out there until i go back to school in august he knew how long i was going to be out there. but randomly he started telling me that he doesnt know about if he wants to be me and if he wants to deal with the LD and it was a week before i was going to mexico. i told him it was strange that he was telling me all this stuff especially a week i was going out there too then i started telling him that i wasnt gonna go out there and that forget about me going to mexcio which i regret. my fiance didnt stop me or convince me to still go or anything then thats when i broke up with him and i blocked him. a month after he reached me out and started telling me he misses me and we were talking again but it happened again then we stopped talking then he reached out again and now hes telling me he regrets everything he told me and that he was stressing out and now he wants to have something with me and starting a future together and wants to have a good life with me. the problem that i have is that im tired of getting my hopes up and getting my feelings hurt i do want to have a future with him i love him alot and i do want to get married with him. but i think is i;m just too worried about what my famly is going to think about me and him and my mom doesnt like how he hurt my feelings and i dont know how everything is going to be at peace. i just need a little advice and comments on what i should do.

[autumn1790]

Maybe I'm reading this wrong--but stop excusing your own behavior and not excusing his. You seem to blame him for everything that went wrong, when you were just as actively tearing your own relationship apart. You hurt his feelings by refusing to go just a much as he hurt your feelings by expressing some honest doubts. There is no villain and victim here--you guys sounds like you're both toxic to each other. Are you doing anything to control your mental health problems? If not, why should he have to deal with them and always be walking on egg shells? Don't you think he also gets his hopes up? Just a thought--maybe he didn't encourage you to come because he didn't want you to refuse anyway and kill his hopes again. It's practically normal to freak out before a visit and say things you regret--not cool, but it happens. You should have been the voice of reason/solid support partner in that situation, not exacerbating his fears by proving that they had some base.
Perhaps I'm being a bit too harsh. I'm just trying to show that there is blame to be had all around. What you should do? Work on yourself. Learn to see both sides. Understand that you have responsibility for your reactions-although your mental health may affect how you perceive things, ultimately you are in control. Make sure you are getting help for your health issues. And honestly, if it's just a constant break up make up relationship, just forget it. It's not healthy to either you or him.

[chiquis_916]

I understand what you are telling me but I'm not making any excuse just cuz I have a mental illness problem. I'm not blaming that for my actions because there are others who really do blame it and basically do it again and again. He knows when I'm acting different. He understands me and him know how to talk to each other plus im a full time student so he knows my reasons to be stress out sometimes since he use to be a student and understands I have to take my time and energy. But I believe we are not toxic because I know how that is j use to be in a toxic relationship and it was not healthy or good at all. We talked last night and he open up to me and told me he doesn't want me to feel t was my fault or anything he told me it was his because during that time he was really stress out and was confused. That's the thing I'm afraid of if he's going to be confused again. But I do love him a lot we haven't seen each other for a year so I understand that.

[chiquis_916]

And that's what I told him that I'm tired of just breaking up and making it up I believe we both do it to each other having our hopes up because he has done that too and I have of course but we do have a really good communication i just feel like we haven't seen each other in a long time and obviously we need that in any relationship and when we are together physically it is really good. I just feel like I lost my trust in him a little bit.

[Allurial]

Just my thoughts but usually once a relationship ends it's over for good and should remain as such, especially one that seems so toxic as you mentioned before. It just doesn't seem like either of you could go through the ups and downs without having to end it which in most cases is really not that healthy and will probably end in a divorce. The main thing about LDRs and even relationships is trust and if you admit you don't fully trust him then I wouldn't even bother.

[chiquis_916]

I want to trust him 100% since he did admit that the reasons why he confused is because of the distance but that's no excuse obviously. I grew up with not a perfect family my dad divorced my mom so I kind of know that whole situation and I don't want that for myself my fiancé knows about that too. I know we are both adults and should not go through this the whole break up and getting back together I'm tired of it and he can see that I put my 100% of this relationship since I did had trust issues it was really bad until I saw and realized what I want in my life. What made me trust him the in beginning was he had the same thing I want in life future and we have really good communication but when he stress out that's when he pushes me away and it hurts a lot but I havw 3 months until I go to Mexico and during the 3 months we are going to just talk and see what happens.

[erwin1973]

Just a few words of wisdom for you, Chiquis...

- Trust is easy to loose but very hard to regain;
- Work on yourself, your own issues (like your trustissue) before getting in any kind of relationship. If you don't you'll always end up the way you do now;
- You seem to be desperate to be in a relationship. That is not the way to get into one. A relationship happens or it doesn't. And when it does, it either works out or it fails;
- where two fight, two are to blame.

You say you don't trust him, but you believe his words? That sounds contradictive. Please, stop defending his and your actions. Take a few steps back and reflect on what has happened in the time since you got together for the first time.

I don't want to be harsh, but I see you making a lot of excuses (even if you say you don't) to defend what happened, or even to deny the reasons for what happened or possible effects of the actions you want to take.

Also, every time you write 'he pushes me away', but remember that your answers to his actions, define the next action. A relationship is a dance between two parnters, holding on and correction each others flaws during the dance, without anybody noticing. When you're dancing and he makes a misstep and you take a step back, he'll fall over and the dance is over. If you hold tighter, the dance goes on. It looks to me that you have difficulties to correct his missteps (and it is, believe me). On the other hand, be sure you make this missteps, too. And he has to be able to correct you, too. It takes two to tango, as some love to say here. And that is so true.

I'm not trying to blame you, I'm trying not to be harsh. I just try to give you an insight.

When you look at the threads I started, you'll see that for long I didn't start anything about a problem between my lady and me. Why? Because I believe that any problem we have, we can solve together. Because both of us want it to work. And yes, we do have our issues. But we have the rule to not stop talking untill the issue is solved, apologies are made and accepted, and a good compromise (that is important) is found. I have learned that when my lady overreacts, to stay calm, gently steer the conversation in a different direction, and after about half an hour restart the topic. On the other hand, she has learned that when I overreact, she just has to tell me I am overreacting. It took us long nights of talking before we found that out, trust me. And it took more long talks before we were able to act as we agreed when the other freaked out (and I do freak out sometimes, trust me). But we found the beat, and the dance is going well.

I agree with Allurial that when you break up at every disagreement, closing the distance or a weddingring, does not solve that problem. If you can't work out problems on a distance, you can't work out problems when you're together. Because you're both still the same people.

Don't get the idea that I am trying to tell you to break up. I am just trying to give you my view, my way of thinking, and I hope that you are able to take a step or two back and make an honest reflection about everything. Just because you have the same goal in life, that doesn't mean a marriage will work. There's more into that.

Oh, and yes, I am devorced, too, so I know how that feels.

I hope you get something positive out of this long story.

[chiquis_916]

Yeah thank you t is very positive reading because it's very long lol but no I agree I do love him and yeah we both have some serious things to work on I've been in love once and I was raped so it is hard for me to really know what love is and fiancé knows I'm kind of difficult because he will tell me how he feels about me or if he still loves me and sometimes I get really stubborn which is bad. We have talked and we know how we both are with each other. We did before work on our relationship but this time wa a different. And thank you I really appreciate all the advice you are giving me I need to be more open more to him and I feel that I shouldn't have let my mom be in the middle he has told me that I need to make my own decisions on my own which I should have listen. About that. But thank very much

[chiquis_916]

Yeah that is true and ans fiancé have talked about certain things about what me and him. He reached out to me when we stopped talking and itndid surprised me because im a full time student and when I saw that yeah I was happy and he did admit it was his fault that he pushed me away while he was stressing out and he regrets that. I know when something is meant to be and that it is not meant to be. I do overreact on certain things and makes them bigger. I know me and him do need to work on ourselves.

[TaraMarie]

I would love to offer advice, as I have a daughter your age, but quite honestly I could barely ready what you wrote. The punctuation is nearly non existent and nothing is capitalized, not to mention the missing or incorrect words ( which I understand if you are originally from another country). Is English your native language?

You will definitely get better responses if you make your post legible.

[chiquis_916]

English is my second language and I'm sorry sometimes I use my phone or my laptop to get in here so I understand. What I'm trying to say is that I have a fiancé me and have been known each other for about 4 years and been together about 2 years now. At first everything was good it is my first long distance relationship that I have been with so I know what I was getting my into. He knew I'm difficult because I'm bi-polar and it's hard to handle since my mood swings will be up there sometimes but recently he was stressing out and knew I was going to Mexico over the summer but was acting different. Did tell me he wasn't going to spend quality time with me because he works full time which I totally understand that. But out of the blue he started mentioning to me he doesn't know about us and was confused and he didn't want to deal with the long distance anymore. That made me not go and stayed here where I'm at and did summer school. We stopped talking but he reached out to me again and i focusing on school too much and when came out to the US a few months ago to work and stays 3hrs away where I live he doesn't have time to see me. Yeah it hurts and I stared telling my mom about it and she told me I should stop talking to him because he doesn't give me time. And I did but again he reached out to me about a week now and he told me he did pushed me away because he stressed out and depressed br he knows it's not a an excused to do that because if we are planning to get married we can't do that. I kind of want to have trust but it's hard to believe him I know that's bad and I have told him that too. We both agreed on to talk for 3 months and since I am planning to go to Mexico in December with my mom hopefully everything will work fine but idk if I'm doing the right thing here some of my family don't want me to be with him and my mom did like him but after what has happened she told me she doesn't think it's a good idea.

[erwin1973]

What still worries me, is the planned marriage... When you both keep acting like that - I am sorry to say - the marriage won't last long. And in my opinion, everone deserves to be happy.
Believe me, I have been in a marriage that went down the hill, and the hill turned out to be a huge cliff. But if you two keep breaking up about everything, what does make you think a marriage will solve that? People don't change overnight or by just wearing a weddingring, you know.
I still would like to advice you to really take a few steps back and really think things over before diving into something that could make your life more miserable in stead of more beautiful.
Actually I agree with your mother. Sorry to say so.

[chiquis_916]

Believe me I don't want to keep doing that breaking up and getting back together and that's what I told him. I want a marriage that will last forever being by each other side through the good and through the bad. I know sometimes it is difficult for myself to handle my emotions. I know if we keep doing what we are doing yeah it will not last at all. Last summer when I was out there I could have gotten married with him but I'm happy I didn't because I wanted to wait a little longer. I know it will take time to be how me and fiancé were just being happy together, having a lot of trust. I have taken a few steps and trying to open more to him and he knows he has to do that he already told me he wants to be have a good life with me and a happy marriage he doesn't want me to go through when I was little and that's divorced. Thank you for the advice

[seognr]

I would love to offer counsel, as I have a little girl your age, however genuinely I could scarcely prepared what you composed. The accentuation is almost non existent and nothing is promoted, also the absent or mistaken words ( which I comprehend on the off chance that you are initially from another nation). Is English your local dialect?