Advice needed on insecurities and coping with long distance

[BAnn415]

My boyfriend and I have been together 1 year. He lives about 3 1/2 hours away. The longest we ever go without seeing each other is 3 weeks. It is very difficult and I feel like the longer we are together the more difficult it is to go that long without seeing him. I feel like I am starting to get crazy. I get mad at him for the littlest things that I normally wouldn't get irritated with and I just feel lonely. The way I am feeling about myself when we are a part is starting to affect our relationship. I don't think that he notices anything... because he is kind of oblivious to this kind of stuff.

I feel like I am trying so hard in our relationship to keep it exciting and he just already knows he wants to be with me and everything is fine.

He is very confident in our relationship and I am not so much. I know I want to be with him and I want to spend my life with him. But when we are apart it makes me second guess everything. It makes me think to much. But then when we are together I feel comfortable and happy and that is where I belong. Where he is. We have another year to go with long distance. It seems so far away.

I have told him that I need more effort from him and comfort, and he has been trying his hardest. He is so amazing. But it hasn't seemed to make me feel better.
I'm not sure what is going on with me and I don't know if it is my problems as an individual or if it is a problem within our relationship.

He also has seemed less interested in sex. We used to sext all the time and we would skype as well (maybe TMI??). He is very affectionate towards me when we are together, cuddling/kissing, holding me close when we are around people. I'm not second guessing if he loves me, I'm just second guessing if he is attracted to me in that way anymore. He just isn't as interested in sex as he used to be. He says he is... but he doesn't act on it.

I am a very independent and strong person and the way I am feeling isn't me. I'm not sure what to do. I have tried talking to him about it.

I think it is a mixture of me feeling scared I will loose him and insecure with myself.

How can I fix this? Or what are some things anyone recommends to feel better about long distance?

The more I fall in love with him the scarier it gets.

[kittyxuchiha11]

In a relationship, you aren't always going to be sex crazy and wanting it constantly. Over time you get used to a person and i'm sure everyone on here will tell you that in their relationships too sex and just general sexual interest has decreased over time. it isn't a bad thing, it's just something that happens when you get to really know someone and get comfortable with them. In my current relationship we have only been together for a short time so sex is still quite exciting and new to us and we like to talk about it a lot, but in my last relationship by the time we had been together for nearly 2 years we were comfortable enough with each other that we didn't feel the need to talk about sex and sext a lot. Yes we still had sex when we saw each other, and we would make the odd flirty remark about having 'alone time' and such, but we just didn't feel the need to go into the detail about it. Even with my current relationship things are slowing down from when we first met when a large amount of our time was spent talking about sex and our fantasies and kinks and stuff. I don't think this is a bad thing however, I think it's just how relationships go.

I can also really relate to how you're feeling about being insecure about you guys though, it's a very very common feeling in a LDR. When your with your SO everything seems great because you're distracted by them and how nice it is to be with them, but when you're alone you find yourself worrying about why it doesn't feel the same. A lot of people will also tell you they feel like that, and yet again it's just something a lot of people struggle with.

What really helped me was trying to distinguish that the time spent with my SO in person, and the time spent online, are too separate things. Like in person you're really happy because they're there next to you and you can get all the affection from them that you want, but online obviously you can only see their messages or hear their voice, they're not physically with you and so of course you're going to feel a bit sad and like they're distant. Try remind yourself when you are second guessing yourself that it feels different because of that, not because there's anything wrong with your relationship or how he feels towards you.

Best of luck :3

[autumn1790]

I would to add that you need to distract yourself from your overthinking. Your agonizing over the relationship is doing no one any good, and very well could end the relationship if it spirals out of control (ie, no one wants to be in a relationship where their partner gets mad at little things and expects more and more and more from them). Your partner cannot be your therapist to build up your self esteem and make you happy every minute of the day...you need to find other sources of this. Make some other friends and go do other activities.
One of those stupid radio Love Doctors shows actually had a really good point. Spend some time thinking about how you want to feel in the relationship (respected, emboldened, whatever). Then go find things to do that give you those feelings. It takes the stress off your partner and gives you both space to breathe.

[hmrambling]

Here is advice from my own experience that I offer to folks who get caught up in waiting for the next text from their partner:

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have family? If yes, spend time with them.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships so that you will be knowledgeable about how relationships grow.
Exercised today? If not, go for a walk or jog or bike ride. Get active.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

Be a whole person so that you can be a whole person in a relationship. Become a priority and have a great relationship with yourself. Do not rely on your partner to complete you. Be a complete person whose partner is a positive addition to your life.