Boyfriend in a fraternity

[Emi_tae]

My boyfriend and I are in our second year of college and he has been in a fraternity since freshman year. It was difficult finding time to talk at first because he was a pledge and was busy a lot with house duties and other things. I knew things would be hard for me because I do not really like him being in a fraternity with all the parties and events he has (it takes a lot of time away from us being able to text each other or call each day). The biggest thing that upsets me is that he drinks alcohol. He is underage and I just find it really unattractive and disgusting. I also worry that he might get drunk and do something stupid, even though he has told me he won't do that.

I do not plan on drinking until I am 21, and even then I will only have one drink for special occasions. He is not drinking excessively, but he does go to bonfires to drink or drinks at the house with his friends at least a few times a month (but doesn't go to parties). I understand it is his choice to do this, but I have told him many times how I find it very gross and he does not care (he says its not a good enough reason for him to not do it). It upsets me that he does not care about my opinions or my feelings on this situation. I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with it just so I don't have to worry about him, but at the same time he should care about my feelings/views and at least try not to drink until he is 21 (which will be in November). I feel like I am being bitchy but since I am so far away from him, I feel like I have to be.

[MikeLee]

This is a pretty difficult situation. From what i can tell you seem to be more of the calm type and doesn't party and drink much, the good teenager. Your boy seems to be the kinda bad boy type that will start drinking before he is enough age and he likes drinkin a lot. So i can see why you don't like his drinking habits, since im kinda like you myself and when i see peoples do that i just wonder why. Drinking of course is a bad thing and especially if you do so in a regular basis and since you are so far away from each other of course you would worry he will do stupid things. Even if he says he won't, you never know what can happen when you get drunk. If it was my girl, i would be very worried.

I feel that you both are very young and people at your age usually go party a lot and drink. So i feel it's pretty normal if your boy is like that, and especially so if his friends also is drinking a lot. That may be a hobby/habbit of him. So i know you don't like it, but im not sure if trying to make him change is the right choice as it may be a part of him and he enjoys drinking. Maybe that's even how he and his friends hang out.

At the same time i feel you. When you see your other half do things you don't like, and especially when it's things like drinking of course you want him to change. Like not entirely stop drinking but at least listen to what you say and reduce drinking, to show that at least he have taken your opinion to heart. That's what we would want if we see our lovers behave like that right?

So like i said you both are still very young, while you seem to be more mature when it comes to these things, he might no be like you. You are both studying and are still enjoying your youth, but that's also usually when you do stupid things, like drinking etc. Im not sure how he is to you usually, but if he trets you good and is a good bf to you then i feel you do not have to worry. We are after all not perfect and we tend to have one or two bad habits. And you both are during that time and age when things like drinking is the thing to do.

I feel that also your boy should give you a bit more care and give you some more time. But it is his youth now and his school life, so he should perhaps also do as much as he want to do while he is there, since he can't go back to his school life after it's over.

Like i said, if he treats you good normally when you are together then it shouldn't be a problem. Then at least you know he really loves you and that's the most important. Otherwise you might have to consider if this is gonna be healthy for you both, if it continues like this. And if you can accept it. I feel guys overall is a bit more immature when it comes to love when they are young.

I just typed what i had in mind and how i view this, hope it was somewhat helpful. By the end of the day though, it's up to you both. Good luck .

[kittyxuchiha11]

I feel like you're blowing this a bit out of proportion. Drinking a few times a month with friends really isn't a big deal, if he was drinking so often that it was affecting his life in a negative way, I'd understand, but it isn't and you really shouldn't be expecting him to change just because you don't like it. I don't think of myself as a big drinker at all, I only drink a few times a month with my friends and to me that is completely fine and reasonable. I think the problem is that you have an opinion and obviously when he drinks the fact you don't like it keeps lowering your opinion of him. At the end of the day, he's in a frat and frat life is about spending time with people and going to parties and all that. I think you need to ask yourself is it really such a big deal that he drinks, because by the sounds of it he is being responsible with it, and mostly it's just you have a big problem with it. he is his own person, he can do what he wants and you can't control that, if you try to that just isn't healthy.

For a compromise that you're both happy with, maybe ask him to try miss a drinking occasion and spend it talking to you instead. or ask him to text you and give you updates while he's drinking so you know what he's up to. When I go drinking with my friends I make sure to text my SO and keep her updated, i've even taken 2 minutes out to call her before. She does the same with me, and of course it doesn't stop me worrying but it makes me feel a little bit less worried and i'm happy she's having a good time.

Anyway, best of luck to you

[Rezie]

I don't think it's realistic to expect a college student not to drink when they are underage. Also college student drinking only few times a month is very small amount. (I also think that the age limit of 21 is ridiculous. If you are old enough to die in war, you are old enough to drink. just lower it to 18 like majority of the world).

I feel like you are over reacting. you have told him that you don't want him to drink, but it is his body and his choise. Also as lo g as it doenst affect his life, grades or your relationship it should be fine. And by your relationship I mean that he is so drunk conatantly that he can't talk on the phone. As for him doing something stupid while drunk, you just have to trust him.

your real problem is that you have different values and personalities. You don't want to drink and party, but he does. You can't expect him to not do that. University is the perfect place to do that and do something slightly dumb. You have every right not to like it and not participate but you can't stop him.

try to find something he can do to make you feel better. send a text when coming home from night out? something he is happy with and you are happy with.

[Emi_tae]

Thanks so much for these replies. I do see why he enjoys it, and I do believe I am making this bigger than it needs to be. I have slowly been trying to accept his behaviors. I have also been trying to gain more trust with him by being okay with him going out as long as he texts me what's going on (so I know he is safe). He sometimes forgets to text me, and that's when I get upset and worried, so we both have something we need to work on in this situation. I feel that as long as we can call each other most of the week, it's okay for him to drink with his friends on a Friday night and just give me a call to say he's okay and to say goodnight. Again, thanks so much for replying. This really helped me think through everything

[MikeLee]

Thanks so much for these replies. I do see why he enjoys it, and I do believe I am making this bigger than it needs to be. I have slowly been trying to accept his behaviors. I have also been trying to gain more trust with him by being okay with him going out as long as he texts me what's going on (so I know he is safe). He sometimes forgets to text me, and that's when I get upset and worried, so we both have something we need to work on in this situation. I feel that as long as we can call each other most of the week, it's okay for him to drink with his friends on a Friday night and just give me a call to say he's okay and to say goodnight. Again, thanks so much for replying. This really helped me think through everything

It's great that you have come to a understanding . Im sure you will have more of these periods in the future, for both of you. Since being love means that we can get greedy over our important someone, because we love them so much so sometimes we become selfish and don't think things through. Or perhaps because of feelings that we feel at that moment. Some of those times you might have to have a fight with each other before you come to realise that maybe it wasn't what you thought at the beginning and maybe you was wrong. Nevertheless just don't let it affect you too much and rememer that you both will get over these periods. It's a part of love, and it only happens because you love each other .

[Mariaa]

What you are trying to do is great, you are worried about him and want the best for him. But I think your approach of telling him what to do that he doesn't accept. He feels like you are trying to change him and that's why he says no and keeps on drinking. The next time, try this instead, tell him that you miss him and want to talk to him more, he can skip some drinks and talk to you . Step by step he will drink less even if it's just a little bit less . By the time, he will know you more, see that you want all good for him and follow your advices .

[Rezie]

What you are trying to do is great, you are worried about him and want the best for him. But I think your approach of telling him what to do that he doesn't accept. He feels like you are trying to change him and that's why he says no and keeps on drinking. The next time, try this instead, tell him that you miss him and want to talk to him more, he can skip some drinks and talk to you . Step by step he will drink less even if it's just a little bit less . By the time, he will know you more, see that you want all good for him and follow your advices .

I'm sorry, but this sounds very manipulative. The guy is 20 years old and in college, he should have a few drinks and go to events when he wants to. Like OP should aswell (not necessary to drink obviously) Sure if the events mean he can barely talk to OP but it seems that is not the case (maybe not as much as she wants...im not sure how to take the thw part about communicating from thw original message). I really don't want LDR to effect college experience.

[C.C.]

What you are trying to do is great, you are worried about him and want the best for him. But I think your approach of telling him what to do that he doesn't accept. He feels like you are trying to change him and that's why he says no and keeps on drinking. The next time, try this instead, tell him that you miss him and want to talk to him more, he can skip some drinks and talk to you . Step by step he will drink less even if it's just a little bit less . By the time, he will know you more, see that you want all good for him and follow your advices .

So essentially if he's not willing to do it himself, make him act the way she wants him to? Through manipulation? No.

Neither of us should decide alone what's better for our SOs. We aren't their parents and they are adults.