This new 'normal' is maikng me feel more anxious!?

[sarah557]

Hello All! I am in my second round of long distance with the same man. He left last winter and came back for the summer/fall and has now left again...this time until I graduate next May. I am planning on spending all summer down in Texas with him so I am very excited for that!

The thing I am starting to feel uncomfortable about is how normal this is all starting to feel. He used to call me every night after he got off work (about 12:30 his time and 11:30 my time) and now he doesn't do that anymore because he's tired. We text during the day before we both go to work but we normally don't call. Or he will say he'll call me and forget/run out of time. Usually, this used to bother me. I mean it still does but I don't obsess over it. He calls me on the weekends and we can both get a good conversation in. If we do talk during the week and at night it's for naughty things.

Anyways, it seems like things are starting to stabilize which is good because I am not upset constantly and I have been keeping myself busy. However, we have slimmed down on our phone calls and that freaks me out. I love talking on the phone and he really doesn't, so I appreciate every second we get to talk but I just feel like we are going to stop talking altogether. I hate feeling like I'm getting comfortable without him because I don't want to lose him at all.

Is this a normal feeling? I hope one of you can understand the feeling I'm trying to talk about. It's really confusing me.

[MikeLee]

It's hard to say since i don't know your man. But generally, love is always the hottest when it started and it will most of the down chill down a little down the road. And what chills down is different for every couple. Since it seems it like your man doesn't seems to be one that likes to talk on phone much, that might be the thing that chill downed for him first. Not every couple calls everyday, even though i can understand why you would want to talk to him as much as possible. But it's also like you said, he might be too tired after work. It's very good that it seems to start stabilizing for you both and you're starting to find your rhythm and getting comfortable with each other. One thing though, do not get too comfortable, for both sides actually. Sometimes do things out of the norm and give each other some surprises, even if it's just the smallest thing. Just something that can make each other smile or make each others day. Otherwise if you get too comfortable and follow the same rhythm, things might get repetitive in a way. By the end of the day though, it's up you both how your relationship will be .

If you want to talk to him more or have some more calls, maybe you could try conveying that to him. Like tell him that you would want to talk to him more, when you talk to him you will feel secure and happy because you can talk to him. And when you hear his voice you will be happy for the day etc. Tell him how you feel about it. If he knows how meaningful it is to you, he might put more thoughts and effort into calling compared before (maybe cuz he naturally don't like to talk on phone and didn't know how meaningful it is to you). At the same time respect that he can be tired after work, otherwise a fight might breakout and you know what happens. Not that a fight is always a bad thing (sometimes fight is a good time to convey how you feel to each other).

[Lyssa]

Hi Sarah,

I went through something similar in the beginning. Looking back in retrospect, I can see now that what's absolutely normal is that we go through different phases - sort of like an evolution. For me, in the beginning, we talked a lot over text message. I would be doing my homework and he would ask me "Can I see a picture of you?" and I felt really special and excited that he wanted to see a picture of me smiling just because he wanted to see me. Every morning we would say good morning to each other - every morning. And most nights, he would say goodnight to me. But eventually, that began to die off. One day, he didn't say good morning to me and that was really upsetting to me. I couldn't help but think "Did he forget about me?" "He doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore. He's over. He's bored."

But that does not necessarily mean that it has to be because of that. For me, it wasn't that he was bored or that he stopped caring; it's just that the whole "new-ness" of it all started to die out a bit. That's not a bad thing. We just started to move into a different phase. I won't get into our history completely but that first year was hard because I had to come to terms with the fact that those first 3 months weren't going to come back. And for a long time, I thought that was a bad thing.

We don't say good morning to each other every morning anymore, but I'm not bothered by it. Much like in your situation, you're not bothered by it. And that is okay. There's nothing wrong with being in a new phase. It's a new normal. And honestly, you sound like you're adjusting well to it!

Our own minds are our worst enemies and those of us dealing with long distance know that more than anyone else. We spend a lot of time alone with our thoughts. But I think that as long as you can hold onto the love that you feel, you will be okay.

If he's tired after work, that's fine. But it's important to schedule a time. And it doesn't always have to be a phone call. You are allowed to feel comfortable in the life you're living even though he isn't physically there because there are ways to incorporate him in your life still. I've watched movies and TV shows with him. We sing karaoke on YouTube every once in a while. Be creative, you know?

What you are feeling is definitely normal.

[sarah557]

Hi Sarah,

I went through something similar in the beginning. Looking back in retrospect, I can see now that what's absolutely normal is that we go through different phases - sort of like an evolution. For me, in the beginning, we talked a lot over text message. I would be doing my homework and he would ask me "Can I see a picture of you?" and I felt really special and excited that he wanted to see a picture of me smiling just because he wanted to see me. Every morning we would say good morning to each other - every morning. And most nights, he would say goodnight to me. But eventually, that began to die off. One day, he didn't say good morning to me and that was really upsetting to me. I couldn't help but think "Did he forget about me?" "He doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore. He's over. He's bored."

But that does not necessarily mean that it has to be because of that. For me, it wasn't that he was bored or that he stopped caring; it's just that the whole "new-ness" of it all started to die out a bit. That's not a bad thing. We just started to move into a different phase. I won't get into our history completely but that first year was hard because I had to come to terms with the fact that those first 3 months weren't going to come back. And for a long time, I thought that was a bad thing.

We don't say good morning to each other every morning anymore, but I'm not bothered by it. Much like in your situation, you're not bothered by it. And that is okay. There's nothing wrong with being in a new phase. It's a new normal. And honestly, you sound like you're adjusting well to it!

Our own minds are our worst enemies and those of us dealing with long distance know that more than anyone else. We spend a lot of time alone with our thoughts. But I think that as long as you can hold onto the love that you feel, you will be okay.

If he's tired after work, that's fine. But it's important to schedule a time. And it doesn't always have to be a phone call. You are allowed to feel comfortable in the life you're living even though he isn't physically there because there are ways to incorporate him in your life still. I've watched movies and TV shows with him. We sing karaoke on YouTube every once in a while. Be creative, you know?

What you are feeling is definitely normal.

Thank you so much! I just don't understand how something like that can be so insignificant to a dude and to us, it's really hard. It's not that I'm not bothered by it...I just don't want to be annoying and super needy. I know that's only going to push him away. I have about 3 months before I get to see him again so I'm just going to try to hang tight and keep on keepin on...

But thank you so much for your advice! It's always reassuring to hear someone else talk about a familiar situation.

[erwin1973]

I just don't understand how something like that can be so insignificant to a dude and to us, it's really hard.

I do hope you're not generalizing here... It's not always the dude or it's not because he's a dude... I feel a bit offended here, to be honest.

[Lyssa]

Thank you so much! I just don't understand how something like that can be so insignificant to a dude and to us, it's really hard. It's not that I'm not bothered by it...I just don't want to be annoying and super needy. I know that's only going to push him away. I have about 3 months before I get to see him again so I'm just going to try to hang tight and keep on keepin on...

But thank you so much for your advice! It's always reassuring to hear someone else talk about a familiar situation.

No problem! One thing I will say is that you should never be afraid to do something out of fear of pushing him away. If you're really that uncomfortable with some things now, I would definitely make a point in talking to him about it when you see him. I'm happy for you that you get to see him in 3 months though. That's really exciting!