Situation with SO Parents is making things hard for our relationship...

[amorathi]

Hey guys.

I appreciate all the support I've gotten on here so far. It makes me feel like I'm not as crazy. So I've written some posts about my boyfriend and I and the LDR situation and some about his parents... First though, I had met them back in August of last year and I felt like we got along well, especially me and his mother. But now...I have had with his parents and because of it, it has caused some issues between my boyfriend and I.

He recently was forced to move back home and his parents, specifically his dad wanted us to break up and not even be friends. He decided that I was too distracting and too demanding because I had texted and called him too much during the weekend he was supposed to come back to stay for the semester. See, I'm a person when plans are made and they are changed, I start panicking a little bit but when I don't know about changed plans and what the new plans are... I really start freaking out. I mean, I expected Will to come back on Friday and it was all the way til Sunday that he tried to leave because of his parents. So because of that, that is what caused us to be in a secret LDR relationship. So, his mom does want Will to be happy but thinks that Will should just listen to so it can be easier on his dad. I thought that was ridiculous, because you think that is easier for us? Also, since his dad decided to have Will stay at home, he's said some mean things about me... Saying that Will doesn't need me and that I'm just using him, I'm trying to get pregnant with Will's child so that he has to stay with me, and just more hurtful things. His mom doesn't say as awful things but she's said how like I'm not good enough for Will anymore which had hurt me because when we first met, we had gotten along so well.

It's not just what they say about me that has made things frustrating but just how Will's situation at home is. His parents said they just want him to focus on school so that he can finish his degree. I understand that, even though it now takes him longer to get his degree at home. But I get it, they don't want him to worry about finances, roommates, and etc. However, it's like when I'm talking to him, we get interrupted or he tells me how his parents want him to do this and that. Now, somethings I understand such as help carry this heavy thing or help cooking but they just call for his help to take the dogs out, grab them a blanket, pour them a drink, basically things that they can do on their own and it's point where it's past 10PM and he needs to get schoolwork done. Also, like his dad just constantly controls him and I hate it. He would take his phone, make him go to bed, make Will give him a foot masssagem and etc. He believes he has to listen to it or else things will get worse (his dad has bipolar disorder and doesn't take his medicine). It's frustrating because the man I know and fell in love is slowly being someone he isn't because he has no voice, no choice in any matter. He does act sad around his parents generally because of it but it's like they don't care. So, he had recently talked to his mother on how unhappy he is and doesn't feel like at home. Her and his dad's reply were basically, "We want you to be happy, but we want what we think is best for you so suck it up". Then she also went to Will saying how happy they are to have him home. He replied saying,: That's great for you but not for when I didn't really have a choice in the matter because it was either stay home and be supported or just be on my own with no car and no support. So don't make it seem like there was more than one choice". And god... It makes me so mad what she said.... That this wouldn't have happened if he had handled the situation better...AKA me, going back to that weekend when I texted and called him when I was expecting him home. It's like I wouldn't have done that if his parents didn't spontaneously make him do things around the house and do a family outing the day he was supposed to leave. That this situation of Will being forced home is because oh mine and his fault...

It feels like they just want to use me and our relationship as an excuse to why he has to stay there and that all they want is just to have him home and control him. What do you guys think? Because I understand wanting the best for him, but everytime I think about what happened, it just doesn't seem fair or make sense. Do they really understand what is best for him? Another thing they did that made me so mad is that his dad made him lie on his college application for the school down there about where they lived so that they can get in-state tuition... Will almost got blacklisted from colleges if he hadn't talk to the school about it. How is risking his education is best for him? How is taking away his choice on who to be with best for him? How is being unhappy best for him? ...I feel like even if I hadn't called him and everything, his parents would still make him stay home. I think that was his dad's goal and was using me as an excuse? Because of that, I feel like I should just ignore what they say about the situation and me. I keep thinking, after all the things they said about me to this frustrating situation... How can I be okay with them? It's not easy to just forgive them for what they are doing to us. It's going to be hard, but I feel like they won't admit that they are sorry or anything.

So because of all the parents stuff, it creates arguments between my boyfriend and I about communication (since because it is secret and how controlling his parents are and making him do things, plans we make get canceled), the future, how it seems he gives into his parents, and him coming back. I feel like they won't change their mind on letting Will come back. He wants to and that's what we are fighting to do so we can close the distance and go back to when he was here but even better. I just want us to be okay and stop arguing about it because it leads to a miscommunication or different argument... I feel like I just have to deal with his parents and not say anything about it even if it's so frustrating. I need to just accept it and continue on the days. Ignore the parents and enjoy the times we do get to spend together... It's just hard but we love each other so much that we don't want to just quit. I don't want to just toss this relationship because of distance or parents. I hope this lengthy post made sense. Hoping for some words of encouragement and to get your opinion if I'm crazy or not...

[Lyssa]

Hi again!

This is obviously a really complex issue that you and Will are going through. Things can get really tricky when there is a rut that involves parents. It's hard because you don't want to feel disrespectful or push a button.

There is something really positive to hold onto here though. It sounds to me that despite the fights you and Will are having because of his parents, he clearly still wants to be with you. And that's something you need to try to remember. As hard as it can be to work around his parents, you're both still fighting through it for a reason.

Distance is a really, really hard thing to go through, but it's worth it when your heart is full of love. Couples that go through long distance will come out stronger than you can even imagine. It's a team effort, and it's a great way to hold a deep bond. You're certainly not crazy or wrong for feeling stressed out and stuck with his parents, but it seems that it's something that'll temporarily have to do. And that's okay because even if his parents don't approve, you're at an age where you decide for yourself. It's unfortunate that they're being so difficult and disapproving of you, but Will doesn't share his parents' feelings and that's really important to remember.

You're certainly not crazy, and as scary as an LDR sounds, it can be really rewarding in the end and there are plenty of ways to make it work. I would just be very mindful to try your best not to let your relationship with Will falter because of his parents. LDR is a time where you two need to stay strong together. And I really believe that you are the light he needs at a time like this, and he is clearly your light as well

I really do hope things get better with his parents, but if they don't, I hope that you two find ways to make it work!

[Chris516]

Hi again!

This is obviously a really complex issue that you and Will are going through. Things can get really tricky when there is a rut that involves parents. It's hard because you don't want to feel disrespectful or push a button.

There is something really positive to hold onto here though. It sounds to me that despite the fights you and Will are having because of his parents, he clearly still wants to be with you. And that's something you need to try to remember. As hard as it can be to work around his parents, you're both still fighting through it for a reason.

Distance is a really, really hard thing to go through, but it's worth it when your heart is full of love. Couples that go through long distance will come out stronger than you can even imagine. It's a team effort, and it's a great way to hold a deep bond. You're certainly not crazy or wrong for feeling stressed out and stuck with his parents, but it seems that it's something that'll temporarily have to do. And that's okay because even if his parents don't approve, you're at an age where you decide for yourself. It's unfortunate that they're being so difficult and disapproving of you, but Will doesn't share his parents' feelings and that's really important to remember.

You're certainly not crazy, and as scary as an LDR sounds, it can be really rewarding in the end and there are plenty of ways to make it work. I would just be very mindful to try your best not to let your relationship with Will falter because of his parents. LDR is a time where you two need to stay strong together. And I really believe that you are the light he needs at a time like this, and he is clearly your light as well

I really do hope things get better with his parents, but if they don't, I hope that you two find ways to make it work!

Amorathi, Ditto to everything Lyssa said. I would just add. His dad having Bipolar Disorder. Makes it even harder.

[snbr228]

Hey,
I wish I could've seen this post sooner. I hope things have gotten better since you posted this. I can relate to the situation that Will is in. I too was forced to move back home after graduating and they hated my boyfriend (Chris). My advice, is that the both of you have to stay strong, and even though it hurts, you have to stay the strongest. There have been so many times that Chris and I have fought about my parents, and we still do to this day. My parents say really mean things about him but he stays strong because he knows that I need him. And Will needs you too. It's really hard to stand up to your parents, especially if they're as controlling as his are. So, you just have to remind him that you're here for him and it doesn't matter what his parents say, all that matters is what he wants. My advice to him, don't back down. When my LDR started, I was afraid to ask my parents if I could see Chris or if he could come up. I had to cancel or change plans with him, but now, I don't. Him and I agreed that once we made plans, we wouldn't change them. So now, I give my parents notice and instead of asking, I tell them, or instead of saying "Can I..Can Chris.." I say "I want to go to this place with Chris, is that cool?" or "Is it cool if Chris comes up next weekend?" Sometimes you have to phrase it in a way where you're telling them what you're doing but also asking if it's ok at the same time. But even if they say no, you have to realize that its what you want and not what they want.

I hope this helps