My Boyfriend has Anxiety

[Emi_tae]

Hi everyone,

Tonight my boyfriend told me that he has had anxiety and panic attacks for a while. He has talked to his fellow fraternity brothers about it, but has not found a way to cope. His anxiety mostly stems from class (he is a computer engineer and is taking a lot of stressful classes) and also he found out his Amazon account got taken down for a reason that can possibly be fixed. I just became a psychology major in the fall, so I am trying to use my knowledge to help and support him. I know anxiety makes you think and act irrationally even if there are facts to back it up, so I have been trying to reassure him that everything will be fine. For his classes, they are very strict on using outside sources, and will kick you from the class if you get caught using other people's ideas for homework. He is almost done with this semester and has been very careful to use his own ideas, yet he still has the irrational thought that he will get in trouble. I have tried and tried to help him understand that he is going to be okay, and that the worst case scenario is that he may have to retake the class! And that happens to a lot of people where he goes! With the Amazon account, I told him that if they don't reopen it, he can just make a new one, but he still thinks it won't be okay.

I have had anxiety about many things before, and he has reassured me that everything will be fine. After a billion times of him telling me that, I end up believing it and I come out of my anxious spell. For him, I can't seem to get him to believe my words. He has gone to so many people for help, but they are only his friends, fraternity brothers, and me. I gave him some breathing techniques to use for panic attacks and I suggested he go talk to a professional at the counseling services on campus, but he seems reluctant to do so (most likely because he had to go to counseling when he was young when his parents got divorced). I am very tempted to put in a referral to the counseling services to contact him because I am so concerned about his mental health. With me not being there, I can't give him the physical reassurance and comfort he needs.

Are there any other things I can do to help support him? Should I put in a referral to the counseling services so they will get in contact with him? I just booked a flight to visit him for three weeks starting when classes end in May, so I hope he can do alright until then. I feel like I am not doing anything for him right now and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I don't know what to do.

[autumn1790]

I'm in nursing school and my instructors have adamantly and repeatedly told us never to say "everything will be fine" because that is nontherapeutic communication and makes the person feel like you're just brushing them off. Instead, we're supposed to encourage them to explore why they're experiencing this feeling and give them the opportunity to vent. Then, we can provide resources and hard facts as to why the feeling has little foundation. How many people have been busted for cheating? Maybe instead of saying it'll be fine, tell him to tell you more about it. It is his reality; you need to axknowlege that and meet him in his reality. Make sure he knows you're always open to talking about it.
I don't know if I'm entirely off base, but this is my viewpoint on it. I wish you best of luck!

[Emi_tae]

Thank you for your reply. I had asked him to go into more detail about why he is feeling so anxious about his classes, and I did ask how often people get in trouble for cheating. He told me that there were not many people who got busted, but the ones who did got thrown out of the class immediately. He seems to be worried that if he is accused, he won't be able to explain to them that he did not cheat. Whenever I tell him that it will be fine, I go through the logic of the situation first. I explained to him what little chance there was that he could get in trouble, and I try to help him see the my point of view on the situation as well as meet his viewpoint. All he can do is do his best. I guess I have been trying to use the same tactic he has used to make me feel better countless times. When I ask him to talk more about it or to explain how he is feeling, he doesn't seem to want to get into it. He is a very reserved person and does not like to talk about feelings too much with me. I guess it will just take time. I will definitely try not to just say "it will be fine" from now on though and try to use more facts. Thank you so much for that tip.

[luvargon]

I have anxiety as well. Sometimes it doesn't matter what someone else says, you still feel anxious and the only thing that helps is time to get over the anxious spell. I know it feels really ineffective to wait it out but trust me, your presence during his anxious spells is probably greatly appreciated. I know just having my bf there in messages makes me feel much less alone when my thoughts are spiraling out of my control.
There are some things you can encourage him to do. As an engineer he is probably both taking in a lot of caffeine and not getting enough sleep so I would encourage him to limit his caffeine intake and get some more rest! I know things always look better in the morning for me.
I know this may be unpopular but I never made much progress with anxiety until I started a medication regiment so....perhaps an option.
Good luck and focus on meeting him soon!

[Emi_tae]

Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate your input! Lately I have just been trying to be there for him as much as possible when he gets anxious, either calling him or just being there to text. I have been telling him to get more sleep and drink less caffeine, but he doesn't really listen He has been drinking different hot teas at night to calm his nerves though, which seems to be helping him fall asleep. Once this semester is over, I am hoping he will feel relief... these classes are really kicking his butt!! But I can see his anxiety starting to spread to other things besides classes. I also have thought about him starting a medication, but he has yet to see anyone professional about his anxiety and is just trying to do "at home remedies" for the moment.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I'm not sure where you are from, but I'd avice him to check with homeopathy (natural medicine). I take an oil called "ficus carica" in latin. It's an oil made with the fruits of the fig tree. I usually take around 8 drops of it when i am anxious and it tends to work pretty well. I put the oil directly on my tongue (instead of putting it in juice). It does not taste bad and it is also good for other health aspect. There are probably other medicinal natural remedy who would help him. He could take melatonin pill before bed too. It's sold in pharmacy without prescription and can help to fall asleep, except if he takes this, he has to make sure to turn off all distraction before bed so the brain can release enough hormones to produce sleep.

Cafeine does not help for sure. Herbal tea could help. I also tend to take hot water with fresh lemon juice and fresh ginger in it. It is good for the stomach and it calms me. You could advice him to do sport too. It would help to get rid of the anxiety.

[Oceans]

I have a panic disorder, OCD and GAD. I will say it will definitely help him to cut sugar and caffeine if possible. Personally I am allergic to most anti anxiety or depression medications but Mediation and exercise help a lot too(maybe suggest this, you can find guided meditation on YouTube specifically for panic attacks) also rescue remedy helps to calm the nerves too. I agree with what someone else posted about how sometimes it doesn’t matter what the other person says but having them there for you even simple messages help a lot. Just let him know you are there for him and that he can always vent to you. Let him know if he puts more fear into this the panic attacks are more intense. Nothing bad will happen. do not fear the panic attacks.another trick from a therapist is to disrupt a negative thought with a positive thought. For example: “what if I fail this exam” instead of worrying about this , stop and think “ what if I ace this exam!” It helps, it takes practice . I think it is really sweet you are trying to help him. Good luck