College Financial Woes

[luvargon]

Howdy!
My bf and I are both college students, I go to a big uni and he goes to a small community college and lives with his mom. We want to visit and have him come stay for a week or so and have already decided that I will pay for the plane ticket and he can cover expenses when he arrives, date nights, food etc. But he is having a really tough time coming up with the money because he doesn't have a job while I do. I am not really sure what to tell him besides get a job if I mean enough to him? I know he struggles in school so a job might be too much but he says he is "scared he can't provide for me and is not worthy". Any advice?

[kittyo9]

My SO is kinda in that spot... I work full-time and can cover my living expenses and save money for trips no problem, but he's been in school for the past year and hasn't wanted to work during that time in order to focus on his studies. He's been really stressed about money and I've brought up getting a part-time job several times, and he even got to the point where he said he was totally going to take a tutoring job for a few hours a week next semester, but he ended up backing out. I still think it would be a great solution to his financial stress, and that he'd be good at it, but he's indicated to me that he just does not want to, and I've stopped bringing it up out of respect for his viewpoint.

Despite all this, he has scraped by with a combination of a bit of savings and money his family and uni have given him and found ways to live off of what he had in order to still be able to purchase two plane tickets and take me out for at least one meal per trip. Financial stress is an ongoing theme for him, and every time it comes up, I offer to pay for things like meals, gas, plane tickets, etc., but he insists that he should be able to pay for things. At this point I've stopped offering suggestions and just ask him what his plan is. He is an adult and he is capable of handling his financial life on his own. Occasionally if I see something that might save him money (for example, a different cell phone plan, student rates on subscriptions he uses, or less expensive ways to get items he uses frequently), I mention it to him, but I let him have the final say on it, and that's that.

We've basically done what you've already done-- we usually split costs such that one person pays for their transportation (plane, gas, train ticket, whatever) and the other pays for costs during the trip, and they tend to come out fairly evenly. If we know in advance that one particular thing will be more expensive (like CN tower tickets...), I usually offer to cover it but let him cover something smaller in exchange, like meals. I'm also fairly frugal in many aspects, myself, so I keep costs in mind when we're planning outings.

Mostly just remember that although you guys are involved in everything together, you are still separate entities and your SO is still allowed to make financial decisions (or mistakes), as long as they don't directly affect you. It's difficult not being able to do anything about it, but in the end, if you've already said your piece, that's all you can really do. His educations does take priority and I know you want the best for him, so maybe that means postponing a trip or spending the week in rather than out. Money can be such a tough topic for couples and it's really important that you speak frankly but respectfully about it with one another.

[luvargon]

Hey thanks for the well thought out reply! It really helps already, just knowing someone else out there is going through the same thing but also making it work. I'll definitely keep it in mind to keep costs down when he does visit so he can better afford it. Perhaps I'll even share this reply with him...