Having a very hard time.

[auroraia]

My boyfriend and I are currently tackling our third month of distance and so far this month has been full of bad days. We've been constantly fighting/arguing over little things which lead to really bad days where one or both of us are crying. I've noticed it happens when there is a shift or transition, and that's where we fall hard.

He just started business school at a University and adjusting is so hard. He has to tend to his frat, his classes, work, and he's made new friends. Lately it seems like he's forgotten about me and we barely overlap anymore. We went from 5-6 hour calls to barely making an hour, and i can tell he has been trying. I know he's happy with his new friends but I can't help but wish he spent a little more time tending to our relationship more. The fights start because I feel like he isn't giving enough time or attention and I get so upset, but I end up feeling invalid because I don't want to hurt him. I put his feelings first. I definitely don't want to discredit him because he is trying, but I can't help but feel what I feel.

It seems like every time I'm mad, It sends him spiraling down a staircase of self doubt and insecurity, which makes me so sad, because I love him and I just want him to be happy.

I don't know how to fix things, or how fights are supposed to work in LDR. Honestly right now I just feel powerless and weak, and overall so sad about this situation. When we do video call, everything seems to go okay and it's the happiest moment of my life.

I'm starting college this month so I know there is another inevitable shift coming, and if i'm being honest, I'm scared. But the time difference goes from 19 hours (Japan) to 3 hours (Westcoast) so I'm hoping it'll be better.

I just need help on how to fix things, how to cheer him up despite being so far away. It kills me on the inside and seeing him so sad just brings me down a lot.
How to make the next few days better than the last?

[Littlewhiteflower]

Wow, 5-6 h calls are pretty long. I think the longer I had with my SO was an hour and a half... haha.

I don't think you should argue. 1h call a day is pretty lucky (I have one once a week). Plus, he might send you texts throughout the day. So, when it is time to call, it is harder to find something to say.

School life can be hard to manage when you just start. I'm starting my 3rd year at university and I'm still struggling to find a balance. SO, just try to give him a bit of time to organise his life. Be patient. Meanwhile, try changing your mind. Go out with your friends. Try a new sport. Read. This will help you.

[Rezie]

My advice is to give each other space. There are a lot of changes happening. 5-6h prhonecalls are a bit excessive in the situation. You have something new and exciting happening and he has them happening. Take a step back, both of you do your thing. Once you are settled into new thing it will get back to normal.

[SDPersona]

Well, college is going to be a busy time for both of you, so you both are going to have to make adjustments. Five to six hours calls are unsustainable at that point and you both have to learn to juggle all your responsibilities and interests in your life. First you need to figure out how much attention is reasonable at minimum. He has to do the same, because he's not going to get away with barely any attention. That's not a relationship. After that both of you are going to have to meet in the middle, so both of you can be satisfied. And then do other stuff. Get busy working on your college degree, meet your friends, invest in your interests. Keep in mind: You are somebody besides being someone's girlfriend.

In my case, my boyfriend and me have a time difference of six hours, so what works for us is sending each other good morning/good night texts. Sometimes we can chat with each other if there's something to talk about. On the weekends we always have a videochat on one day that last from one hour up to five or six hours whenever both of us have no other commitments that day. And our relationship is running fine. No issues so far beyond the normal cultural or social misunderstandings that come from being of different countries. You can have that too.