Starting again

[12_kari]

We've been together since our freshman year in high school. We went to the same school, saw each other every day for 4 years. We're now in college. He lives an hour away. Neither of us drive so visiting each other is difficult. I skipped out of the first semester of college so we only had to deal with his school schedule. This semester I'm starting college, so this is becoming nerve wrecking,in my point of view. I've been struggling in keeping calm about all this but he had no problem. There's been constant breakdowns from me that end up in arguments.
He recently went back to school after 3 weeks of being home. I've been aching every since. Due to my constant breakdowns, my boyfriend fears I may not be able to handle continuing in a long distance relationship. And now I've started to slightly doubt my own strength. We said I'd need to make a decision soon, whether I can handle this or not.
I'm conflicted but I wouldn't be able to bear losing him.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Why not taking your driver license? It is not that hard to do. It costs a bit of money but once it is done, you are free to go wherever you want. You can also get a second-hand car for a small amount of money. You need to see it as an investment instead of an expense.

To be honest with you, an hour drive is nothing honestly. There is about 35 h drive between me and my SO due to the size of canada. I never tried driving there but he did once.

I imagine you can also take the bus every weekend to go see him. Perhaps the mental breakdown are due to emotional dependency. You should perhaps ask to see a counselor in college to help you deal with that. Remember that there's just a bit of distance between the both of you. You can see him pretty often if you give you the possibilities to do it.

[12_kari]

Yea, I know what you're saying is true. The whole problem isn't just getting the car and licence,it's insurance. I've already got my permit, my car savings,but I'm not ready for a monthly insurance bill, especially being 19 with a brand new licence. Financially I can't get help from my parents in that aspect, it would seem incorrect for them to help me. In having looked at this aspect several times, I've already estimated I probably won't be able to get a car I can drive around until a year or 2,maybe 3.
Also, I do see I can take public transportation and I have, but my parents are against me going to him now. They say I'd be begging him, so I'm not really allowed to go to his school because of my parent's opinion.
The emotional side of this, it's a mess. I have both severe anxiety and depression. It's a work in progress.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Surely at 19 you are considered an adult in the eyes of the law (that is the case within Europe)? I presume you still live at home with your family? If that is the case, that does make things trickier. It doesn't sound to me like you two have broken up though, and it also doesn't sound like he has given up on you. So, for your parents to suggest you would be begging your boyfriend...that sounds pretty strange to me.
To me, it sounds as if he is concerned about your welfare. He loves you, and doesn't want to see you sad or hurt. Maybe he thinks you being alone would be better for your mental health?
Would cycling be more feasible, perhaps? As long as you have supplies for emergencies, take proper precautions, stay visible etc. It might be something to consider. IDK.

[12_kari]

Pardon the question, but what is cycling?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Riding by bicycle.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I think using a bike would be pretty long. There are probably 100kms or 60 miles to ride back and forth. It is possible to do it but she would lose lots of time riding when her schedule is probably already busy with school.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I admit I hadn't thought of it in terms of time. I was focusing on it being a cheaper mode of transport primarily.

[12_kari]

Wow! I really laughed out loud for not catching you meant literally 😅 I thought it was a sort of slang that I didn't know. But yea, it would be very time consuming,considering I still have a job to go to and school with potential homework.
And my parents would probably be infuriated even more, thinking I'm begging my bf.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I'm not sure why your parents think you would go to your boyfriend's place to beg him. What do they mean by that? To beg him to move closer?

I think you just need to sit down with your parents and talk with them. They are there to help you and not to punish you. Perhaps they just don't understand properly. I was 20 years old when i told my parents about my SO. They started a war with me. They thought he was from another religion and wanted to kidnap me and so on and so forth. I had to talk with them to solve the conflict. I think that would help you to open up to your parents. You could start again using the bus or the train and that would make everything easier.

[12_kari]

My relationship started while I was just 14 years old. My parents knew since I started. At first, his mom never let him out. Since we're both adults now and my parents acknowledge he's not really under his mom's demands, being off at college they expect him to take time to visit me now. I've repeatedly talked to both of them and they just won't open they're eyes.
My parents keep bringing up " when we were dating", but that was over 25 years ago and they didn't have huge responsibilities and they were like 22 years old.
I don't know if maybe it's because they're oldschooled??

[Littlewhiteflower]

Maybe they are right in a way. It is selfish if your SO never visits you and you always visit him. Unless he covers some of your travel expense, you are doing all the work while he does nothing. Using college as an excuse to never travel is not right for you who will also start college.

I always take the plane to visit my partner because it's quicker than the car and bus and it ends up also almost cheaper this way. It is still pretty expensive (not less than 800$). I usually travel once a year to see him but I expect him to do the next trip or at least, to help cover the expense. I mean, why should I pay for everything when I'm doing all the work. You see what I mean? And i think that's what your parents might think too. If your partner does cover some of your expenses, then you should tell it to them, but if he doesn't and doesn't plan on visiting while you both are at school, you should question him, not your parents. A relationship works when both partners make effort.

[12_kari]

So that's the thing, the times I've gone to his school, I haven't spent money getting there, since I had a friend that voluntarily would take me at no expense. And my bf and I usually in that case would spilt the costs of where we go out to the rest of the day.
My parents know of this, but they say "I never see it". I don't know if they want to literally see everything occur, because otherwise I don't see how they'll ever understand?

[Littlewhiteflower]

Maybe you should just sit down with them and tell them, "Listen, I know you might not understand but there is something I have to tell you and I really need you to listen to me and to think about what I will tell you before trying to stop me. You are my parents and I both love you but I am struggling right now. I need your support." And now you explain them calmly that you have been with your partner for 4 years (or more). School will always go first but you need to see him once in a while. The way it worked before was perfect and you don't see why it needs to change all of sudden. To visit your partner is nothing expensive since you have a way to split the costs that work for him and for you. You could go out, take lots of alcohol, take drugs, have sex with strangers but you don't (I assume you don't but if you do... that's a different discourse you need to have). Instead of doing all that, you prefer to visit your long term partner as it is something serious between you both. You want to maintain it. Your partner X will try to visit as much as he can but you just prefer to go to his place for X reasons.

If they start talking, make sure you stop them and say that you are not done and they can talk after they have both thought about it.

You can make a deal with them saying something like you promise to maintain your work schedule and maintain a certain average like B+ or A- in all your classes. If the grades go down, you promise to quit traveling for a while until your grades go back up.

You can write everything down in a letter if you think it will start a fight. That's what i did with my parents when i needed to talk to them about serious decisions. The good thing is that i was away from home so I would tell them, "I will not discuss of the matter for the next 48h. You can think about it and comes back to me once you are calm"

I hope it can help you

[12_kari]

Omg! That sounds amazing! I think I'll try that out. Thanks 🙌