how to not be bitter?

[christine]

my bf decided to study abroad this semester (spring). we're both college seniors, and have been in a serious relationship. we already have long term plans, something he initiated.

he decided to study abroad to (1) not be lonely on campus. we go to different colleges (two hours commute from mine) and he had taken a year off before. if he had stayed on campus he would not have known anyone and (2) to reconnect with his immigrant identity. he was born in the US but his parents are from Asia

While these reasons are valid, i feel as if i would have stayed on campus had i been in his shoes and found some time like winter break to travel to asia with each other. i cant help asking the obv question, was i not enough to keep you in the US? to make sure you didn't feel lonely?

it's hard to reign in that side of myself. how do you guys deal w this? this feeling of being left behind and not being enough

[Ejoriah]

Getting to spend a whole semester abroad is really one of those amazing experiences that you can only get in college. A few tips on how to reframe the situation:

1. This is an amazing experience for him! He is getting to go on a new adventure and reconnect with his roots! Figuring out your immigrant identity can be a deeply personal thing. It's not a failure on your part that at this point he wants to explore this alone.
2. You cannot be each other's everything, that's not healthy. Of course you being there helps with the loneliness but you cannot be the only person in his life.
3. You are enough. You are so enough that he wants to make plans for the long-term. One semester will go by in a flash.
4. You are not being left behind - he is coming back. And then he will be able to share with you what he has learned about himself. It's an amazing growth experience for him.

[ChrisVesters]

I mostly agree with Ejoriah.

Don't focus too much on this short time in the present, if you have a whole future together.
It is a nice opportunity for him to do this. Maybe he also felt like he needed to do this, so give him this chance.
Look at it the other way: for him this was a now or never thing. Maybe he had to do this now because he doesn't want to be apart from you once you are really together all the time. In that sense this is a much smaller step.

[TaraMarie]

In the grand scheme of things, one semester is a blink of an eye. If he doesn't go because of you, you may end up regretting it if he becomes resentful.

[waiting]

I know exactly how you feel! My boyfriend has moved to a different city for college, and even though it's not in another country, he still feels pretty far away. Right now we're both broke students so paying for the flight to see him or vice versa feels just as unattainable as it would if he lived overseas.

I'm really happy he got into the university he wanted to and very excited for him and his future, but I feel bitter too even though I don't want to. His semester is just starting and right now he's having the time of his life meeting new people and partying and being able to just be so happy and excited all the time.
But I just feel super lame and left behind because while he's in a different city, exploring all kinds of new things, I'm here in the same city we've always been in, taking a gap year to work and save up. In comparison, I feel so much lonelier. It's so much harder for the person who gets left behind than the one who does the leaving.

I'm just waiting for my birthday which is when I get to see him.