My boyfriend of 6 years is an ironworker. That means he’s gone all year and travels often. I’m a few states away, sometimes across the country from him. It was rocky at first, then it was okay. Then exhilarating and ecstatic and the happiest time in my entire life. Then that moved to okay. That okay moved into comfortable. That now comfortable is numb and now making me question if I can still be strong and not resent him. Before him I was in college and a single mother. It was perfect. Life was good. We have 5 kids. Some before the relationship and one together. I am finding myself to resent him. I’m at home with the kids, applying to law school, trying to be happy about the daily texts, video chats, and him home for the holidays… Before the pandemic he was out at bars with his friends after work and on the weekends. It did hurt. I understand the take it easy after work, but I don’t think he ever understood where I came from. I told him and it resulted him in anger, blocking me, not calling and texting for days. That hurt me even more. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together this year. I’ve found my happiness and then all of a sudden I’m thinking about me. That question we all ask, “What about me?” I love him unconditionally, but it’s been so hard to sleep, focus on law school, and my writing. Idk what to do. He’s black and white, if I tell him that I miss him and tell him I cry myself to sleep once a week and sometimes more often, he will say something like, “I have to work, what do you want me to do?” He hasn’t asked me to marry him. But when he’s home it’s like he never left. It’s perfect. I’m finding myself so sad these days. I’m happy for my goals, got my masters in December, but I’m sad for me. If that makes any sense. I only see him a few times a year. I have no friends and no family. My best friends, my grandparents passed last year and 4 years ago. I don’t want to leave, but how can i find that happiness I once had? I don’t complain, but that time when our entire world is asleep, I am sad, silently cry, and just miss him. Idk how to change this sadness. It’s taking me to the point where I don’t look forward to his texts or calls anymore. Idk what to think anymore.
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I’m sorry, what grown man still results to the old ‘block and ignore’ for a few days when they hear something they don’t like, especially if you have a kid together? Personally that’s a red flag on its own. You’re struggling on your own, five kids plus trying to apply for school, that is no easy feat. You deserve some respect for that. It’s easy enough when you have a job that allows you to be away from your home life responsibilities a lot of the time, and when he is back he’s spending it in bars, or was? That’s not okay. I don’t begrudge anyone their alone time, to have fun, but when you clearly need him and you’re lonely, he should be with you.
The phrase ‘what do you want me to do’ is not a good sign either. If someone like yourself is stressed, feeling alone, upset, the answer should be obvious. I hope you voice your feelings as much as you can to him? In my opinion you might need to take a more aggressive approach. Put your situation on the table for him, explain you have five kids to take care of, while also trying to get into law school, no doubt with all the tasks children and housework come with, and that you NEED him, that he can’t just get away with his behaviour. I don’t know the full story, but if it’s making you that upset, something is wrong.
Blocking you, ignoring you, all those things are not going to resolve anything, I find that extremely childish in any situation, and he should not be doing that to you. Especially when you have a kid together (I’m presuming from your post?). I hope you can open his eyes to the situation, that you need him to be making your life joyful, and filling that lonely gap, since you don’t have friends or family there to help, and if he doesn’t do that for you, then I don’t see how it could work. I’m sorry you’re going through this, sounds so hard. Just always make him know how you’re feeling, voice them and be loud, if he refuses to listen and ‘blocks’ you, then that’s just how you’ll have to get through to him. If he still doesn’t want to fix things or listen, then well, it’s up to you what you feel like would be best.
Best wishes -
Dear Woweth,
Our last conversation was actually a lot more progress than it ever has been. I was able to express most of it, my woes, but not my sadness and stress. He explained to me that it (arguing) was better to take the argument as a grain of salt, as his position is, clearly shes stressed. Shes blowing it out of proportion. I dont want to argue. So, I’ll let her cool off. Thats why he turns his phone off. It hasn’t happened in 6 months. IÂ’m not jealous of him going out with his coworkers. He used to, before Covid. Now he doesn’t at all. I’m just finding myself in resentment. I do yoga, self-publish books, have been studying for the LSAT, been trying to work on my garden and lawn, and am sad as my oldest is 18 and moving out in a few weeks. We are on different schedules. He sometimes calls when I’m taking a practice test, doing yoga, or writing. And seemingly doesn’t like it when I don’t answer. It kind of leaves an unspoken tension at the next answered call. Hes doing his dream job and Im proud of him, very proud. But I really just want how it was when things were really good. He called, texted, I was getting my masters, and it was stressful because I was taking care of my grandma at the time. She had cancer. But after she passed it changed me a little. It made me think about if he really loves me. I never questioned it before. Hes my best friend and it just sucks. It sucks that heÂ’s away. I find myself thinking about being older and him retiring and then we dont connect. It scares me. Im 37 but I look 19. Hes the same age as me, but both work and gravity made him age and I just love him more each day, but like everyone else I have never felt so alone in my entire life, even before we were together. And its kind of like the military, I cant talk about my stresses as it could kill him. Hes an ironworker up on the steel. He cant worry about me and doubt anything or it will distract him. How can I properly vent? I was thinking of maybe writing him a letter. But idk if he will read it. Idk. I just want that spark back. That spark we had last year. He works and that is it. My stresses are a little more. Not competing, I just want a little more effort from him. Not much. If its bad and Im super stressed I buy a house plant. (Dont judge, haha.) lets just say I now have 30+ house plants. Other people do foolish things and crazy things to break up the relationship. IÂ’m opposite. I focus on me. Yoga helps a lot and so does exercising, but its like a quick fix, but it is not working anymore. What should I do? I know its obvious.. but I am all out of ideas. I am thinking to keep going. This life is short. I dont want to leave and regret. Hes a really good father. He loves spending time with the kids and me when hes home. There are no issues when hes home. Its when he leaves. The loneliness is hard to swallow to be honest. I just am having a hard tie getting back into focus. Robot mode, if you will. I want to live and be able to say that Im happy. I havent been happy in a while, to be honest. Ive been sad and cried myself to sleep more than I have been as opposed to laughing and having an good nights sleep. Thanks for the support. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.Comment
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