Stuck!

[nirvanagirl923]

Hang with me this might be a little long and I’m sorry.

I met my now on and off again boyfriend in college back in 2006. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away from me. When we met everything was spectacular and great and I told him that I wanted to wait to have sex until I knew it was the right time and I found the right one. He knew I had sex before but just wanted to wait this time after all I went through in relationships in high school.

About one or two months into dating he broke up with me because he said that he cannot live his life like that and wait for me to give him sex. I was heartbroken and frustrated because I felt that every guy wanted sex and he knew I had gotten out of a relationship in high school that it all revolves around sex. I was frustrated and angry and sad and a few days later I was at a party and it was the room right next to his room and I sparked up a relationship with another guy and continue to hang out with him for I can’t even remember how long. I did have sex with this guy too btw.

eventually time went on and my ex and I actually did hook up and more hooking up with each other our sophomore year. But he kept me a secret but would also be controlling of me. He would get really angry at me when he was drunk. He one time threw me into a wall or I should say shoved me into a wall. That is one example and I feel like he had to let out his resentment towards me. I know that is not an excuse for this but I feel like he is he was so angry with me about everything that happened freshman year when we dated and when we broke up.

years past after college and since 2008 when we graduated we have seen each other about three times. Most recently was about a week ago I went to visit him. He is still holding everything against me. I showed him journal entries that I had written about him and I and about the abuse he put me through in sophomore year. He said sorry for all of that but that was about it. He also told me that he still wears my cheerleading sweatpants. I am not sure if it is because they are comfortable or he misses me. But we had a great week and together and it felt like we went back all the way to when we dated freshman year. It sucks because he is holding that one thing over my head from almost 16 years ago and it has been very frustrating for me. He said he has had his guard up with me since then. I don’t know what to do because I know deep down he loves me and I love him. Where do I go from this?

[MsGrim]

If someone is still holding a grudge 16 years later, you should probably steer clear of them. Did you wait to have sex with the guy after your break up or was it something that happened fairly quickly? Your ex must have been jealous but honestly, that doesn't even matter. He was not willing to wait for you to be ready and therefore prioritized his sexual needs over his "love" for you. You two will not be able to move forward until he moves on with his life and genuinely just forgets about anything that happened in the past. The past should stay in the past. It is absolutely not a good idea to start a relationship with him again with this issue still lingering. Anything you build with him before that issue is said and done with, will be built on this one thing. And when that finally cracks, and it will, the entire relationship will come crumbling down.

My suggestion would be to have a long and calm talk about anything that is bothering the both of you before moving forward. If you can both agree to drop it when you are done talking, then great.. And I mean really let it go. No more grudges, no more bringing it it, no more physical violence. If he is not willing to let it go then you shouldn't proceed in rekindling the relationship. And still, even after that, you have to decide for yourself if he is the kind of person you want to live your life. Ask yourself what he will do when he is drunk again? Will he be violent with you? Will that issue be brought up again and fuel his rage? I've been in that kind of relationship before, I was married to him.. It was not fun, not for me, and not safe for my child. I had to leave.

[nirvanagirl923]

Hi thanks for your input I really appreciate it! Answering your question, I did have sex with the guy fairly quickly after our breakup. I was very frustrated on how he ended it with me and prioritizing sex, and being 18 at the time…I felt that’s all guys wanted….sex.

I am supposed to see him in a few weeks and we have to rehash and talk about things. I recently told him that I have no clue what else I need to do for him to let his guard down with me. I told him I forgave him for all the mental and some physical abuse he put on my when we were sem-back together our sophomore year.

[nirvanagirl923]

Ok I’m back with updates! Since January we have hung out for like one weekend a month. Every single time he ALWAYS asks me, late at night after a night of drinking, “what are you’re thoughts on us?” He asks this every single time we see each other. So I tell him my thoughts and how I want to be with him. He agrees but is confused. This last time around we decided that we would take a path to see where things go and slowly try. When I get back home (again I live 2 hours from him) We agree on the next date to see each other and I said, maybe next time we should go on an actual date. he changes his tune like always after I visit him and says “well I think you are thinking we are taking things to real dating and I don’t recall saying anything like that?” AHHHH it’s so confusing!!!! He ended the convo with “I am making him confused lol” ughhh it sucks because we have such a great time together and mesh sooo well. What the heck is going on with him???! Like what is going through his mind? He wants me then doesn’t, he wants to try then doesn’t.

[romanmalon]

If your boyfriend broke up with you only because of sex, believe me, he would cheat on you in the future.
A guy should understand that a woman should be valued, not used.
To go further, there are many ways to control your boyfriend or husband. But it is better to avoid them

[JonWhite]

As a guy, I would have great difficulty in understanding why my "girlfriend" would not want to have sex with me if she had been with other guys. In the words of the song "Breakfast In America" she wouldn't be "much of a girlfriend" I think I would be "frustrated" and definitely "angry" sometimes. My girl is 3,500 miles away. We sext quite a lot. Quite early on in our relationship, she sent me a couple of intimate photographs because she thought "she might lose me" if she didn't. That demonstrates a commitment that you clearly are not ready for and you shouldn't be getting involved with someone until you are - it's just not fair. I understand his feelings completely.