Announcement

**mllebamako** · June 20, 2012, 09:18 AM

Why can't you move to Tunisia and live in an apartment on your own?

**Littlebirdlolita** · June 20, 2012, 09:22 AM

I could, and I would be happy to look at that but he is worried because I won't know anyone, the culture is so different, I will be his responsibility. I think he feels bad that I would do something like that for him.

I was thinking as well, potentially I could look at volunteer work over there, or after I finish my English teaching course I could do that there. And I would be fine to live alone as long as I could get a job.

I was planning on going there for 5 weeks next week, for an Arabic course, but he advised me not to because it will be potentially dangerous for me over Ramadan. And I felt guilty because I would be his responsibility... =( So now i'm only going for 10 days. I hate it.

**TwoThree** · June 20, 2012, 09:28 AM

Originally posted by mllebamako View Post

Why can't you move to Tunisia and live in an apartment on your own?

I don't think moving to Tunisia just now would be the safest option, given the unrest the country is still facing after all this time.

**lucybelle** · June 20, 2012, 09:45 AM

Then don't be his responsibility. Be an adult and go and find a job. Get your own apartment. Prove to him that you can make it on your own and you will make it on your own because this relationship is important to you. I'm not sure why it would be dangerous for you during Ramadan, but I also don't know much about it to begin with.

**TwoThree** · June 20, 2012, 09:51 AM

Littlebirdlolita, you have all my sympathy and your situation mustn't be an easy one. I wish I could offer some help but I don't know Tunisia that well (vacationed there several times, as it's a neighbouring country, and my father lived there as a kid). Especially now, as I'm told things have changed quite a bit since the "revolution". If you had asked a couple of years ago I would have told you to move there because it's one of the most European-friendly societies in the area, but now...

Your proposal to "meet halfway" by moving to France is not so easy, especially for a young man from a Maghreb country. You are a EU citizen so you can live wherever you want within the union, but he needs a reason to apply for residence (a work contract with a French company, marriage to a French citizen..). Or you'd have to be married, but then you'd have to show that you have means to support both of you (at least that's my understanding).

So what does he do in Tunisia? Work? Study? Is there a way for him to apply to a university in the UK (ideally near where you live)? That would be your best option, I think.

**TwoThree** · June 20, 2012, 09:59 AM

Originally posted by lucybelle View Post

I'm not sure why it would be dangerous for you during Ramadan, but I also don't know much about it to begin with.

I'm not sure just how dangerous it can be for a non-muslim, and I live in a country where Islam is the religion of the majority. Ramadan is a holy month during which muslims have to keep from eating, drinking and having sexual relations from sunrise to sunset. Maybe what she meant is that there can be some zealots who might take it upon themselves to "chastise" people who are seen eating or drinking in public in day time (I know it happens here, from time to time).

**lucybelle** · June 20, 2012, 10:02 AM

Originally posted by TwoThree View Post

I'm not sure just how dangerous it can be for a non-muslim, and I live in a country where Islam is the religion of the majority. Ramadan is a holy month during which muslims have to keep from eating, drinking and having sexual relations from sunrise to sunset. Maybe what she meant is that there can be some zealots who might take it upon themselves to "chastise" people who are seen eating or drinking in public in day time (I know it happens here, from time to time).

Even if she's not Muslim, I guess I just assumed that she would be respectful of Ramadan. And not flaunt alcohol and pork all over the place. I feel if she just went about her day normally, there shouldn't be a problem.

**TwoThree** · June 20, 2012, 10:07 AM

It's what I assumed as well. That's what expats do here. They don't fast, but they eat and drink when in private. That's why I'm not sure either why her SO thinks it's particularly dangerous.

**mllebamako** · June 20, 2012, 10:43 AM

Originally posted by TwoThree View Post

I don't think moving to Tunisia just now would be the safest option, given the unrest the country is still facing after all this time.

I don't know, there are a lot of places with unrest...if she wants to be with him, I don't think moving there is out of the question. It may sound dramatic, but life is too short to worry about this kind of unrest. Someone could decide not to go to a country because of government travel warnings and then could die the next day for whatever reason in their own country.

I agree with Lucybelle, don't be his responsibility then. I'm sure you can find a job/internship and housing on your own. People move to foreign countries all the time without any else being responsible for them.

And like TwoThree said, France would be a really difficult option unless he already has French citizenship.

**Kiyama** · June 20, 2012, 11:37 AM

I agree with the others. Don't be his responsibility. Being English and having a teaching certificate I could imagine you have a good chance of finding a job in teaching English.
May I ask how long you have been together? What about him moving to the Uk? Is that an option?
I also get the impression he is putting quite a bit of pressure on you with his ultimatum. Of course closing the distance should be the goal and you have to work towards it but it has to be right for both partners and it shouldn't be rushed.

**Littlebirdlolita** · June 20, 2012, 02:15 PM

I think he was concerned for me during Ramadan because although I have other friends out there really I would be spending my time with him, and although I'm not a follower of Islam myself I was happy enough to try to join in with Ramadan where possible. BUT, because I only really know him I would be seen with him all the time, and I don't know how that would come across to other people there. I don't want to do anything seen as disrespectful! And I don't want him to be in a position where he feels uncomfortable. I feel I would have been safe there but I don't want to put anyone in a bad position.

Originally, before he met me, he was going to try to continue studying in France anyway, that was why I thought of that. He doesn't want to study anymore though, he wants to be responsible for himself, so he wants to get a job and get on with his life. I think this is where the difficulty lies.

I still feel that I would be safe in Tunisia, even with the possible rifts that do occur. I can't let possibilities stop be from living my life.

So, i've decided, I will take a TEFL English teaching course, and I will apply for jobs over there as an English teacher. Potentially move over there for a few months and live by myself.

I have just spoken to him about the course and the possibility of me getting a job as an English teacher and he just said we would talk.

I don't know if i'm just being negative or what, but part of me thinks he doesn't want to be with me and is just trying to find reasons for us to break. Even though he tells me he loves me every day... =(

I don't think he's going to be happy with any solutions I give him ='(

**leonsfangirl** · June 20, 2012, 02:58 PM

Is he prepared to move to the UK?

He could study if he wanted to and if you get a teaching job you could sponsor him to move.

I'd give him solid plans and if he still "doesn't know" then maybe how your thinking is right.

**Littlebirdlolita** · June 20, 2012, 03:26 PM

The problem is I don't have any solid plans... I'm going to see him in 5 days and he's basically said if we can't find a solution then we should just stop there and then.

I can't imagine my life without him =(

**Zephii** · June 20, 2012, 06:07 PM

*Carrots for comfort*

I hate to say it, but it's not you, it's him. You can (and should) write down a bunch of viable options - but I think he will find fault with every one of them simply because he's not ready for this kind of step - as much as continuing the distance is hard for him. Closing the distance internationally is HARD and scary no matter where you're from.
The thing he has to realise is, yes, you are moving for him. And that for this to work one of you has to risk a whole lot for just that other person. That is how it works. I personally find that when people start saying "Don't move for me" they mean "I'm not ready/ I'm not 100% sure" - and there's nothing wrong with that. What suggestions does he have about you closing the distance? Because it's a bit wrong of him to say "We need a plan or we're breaking up" but not actually offer any options to the discussion.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical suggestions, I don't know enough about your countries. Wish you all the best.

Announcement

Help us find a solution?

Help us find a solution?

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment