Different languages

[ForeverUs]

I speak English, and a tiny bit of Spanish. I'm trying to learn German for my SO. He's so patient helping me with it. Luckily for me he speaks English very well. Sometimes his accent makes certain words a little hard to understand, but we have no issues communicating. I want to learn German so that we can talk in his native language sometimes instead of him constantly having to speak in mine. lol My SO loves that I'm trying to learn his language, it means a lot to him.

So yes, I think it's really a good idea to learn as much as your SO's language as you can. Or at least have a language both of you can speak well enough for the other to understand.

[SquishyLove]

I have been thinking about how the fact of speaking different languages can interfere in a relationship.

I guess most of us here communicate with our partners in english, right?

But if english is not your mother tongue or your SO's... Won't that be complicated when you close the distance?
I mean, do you think that learning your SO's language is an essencial thing for making things work?

Alex and I have been talking about this the other day. I said I think learning russian would makes us closer, but he replied: "We can only be closer if we are together".
This is cute, but long-term speaking I worry this can be a reason for breaking up.
Imagine living in a country whose language you don't speak... Now imagine raising children in it!!!

Seriously, how it can work if you don't learn your SO's mother tongue?

*waves* My Love is from Russia too! My husband has been learning English since he was 10, so he's exceptionally fluent. He says, however, that his English got even better when we began having a lot of conversations on voice and video chat when our relationship started. Having practice at speaking definitely helps! Now, I haven't learned to speak Russian fluently, because, well, I'm a master procrastinator. :P It's a beautiful language and I hope one day to get decent enough at it to have conversations, but it's not one of those languages that can be "spoon fed" to you. The pronunciation alone is enough to tie your tongue in knots, and the grammar rules are pretty complicated. It's something that can only be learned with some amount of passion.

I know Cyrillic, a few phrases, a lot of vocabulary, and how to count. I'm proud that I've learned that much in a year and 9 months of being with him. I'm not really applying myself as much as I could because he moved here to close the distance, and his English is absolutely spot-on.

I don't think you should worry about a break-up being caused by not knowing your SO's native language. Now, of course if you MOVE to Russia, you should definitely hit the books and the Rosetta Stone hardcore and learn it, so you can communicate with others and eventually find employment. I wouldn't advise that anyone move to a foreign country without knowing the language at least on an elementary level (enough to be able to go to the store and buy food at least). Communication in a relationship shouldn't be a huge issue if both of you are fluent in one of your languages.

If you want to learn Russian because you genuinely want to, go for it! It's one of those things I also want to do as well...but I'm kind of lazy about it. I do plan one day soon to actually start hitting the books in a serious way and start the Rosetta Stone in tandem. It'll take about an hour of study every day for it to really sink in and stick. I would love to be able to have conversations with his dad in Russian one day. I wouldn't worry about it becoming a problem in your relationship, though. If you two communicate well and treat each other with love and respect, it won't matter. It's never been a problem for us!

[milaya]

So I guess my SO and I are one of the fewer couples that doesn't communicate in English.
My native language is Danish and my SO's is Japanese, the last mentioned is also the language we communicate together in. All conversations, phone calls, e-mails and other communication is done in Japanese.
Japanese is my 3rd language, but since my SO cannot speak English, Japanese had to be our way of communication. Which has also forced me to improve these past 2 and a half years. Now my Japanese level is getting close to my English level and in general I don't mind my SO not being able to speak Danish. I know he wanted to learn it if he could, and he also have bought a book about it, but he's not a language person and I know we'll never be able to have conversations in Danish, not even in a far future.
I feel confident enough with using Japanese as a mean of communication. If there's words I don't understand, my SO is always good at then using other words to explain it. And for more complicated words I need to say, I have a dictionary on my cell phone. XD

But... it's in times of arguments that I sometimes feel inadequate. If I'm angry, it sometimes can feel frustrating if I don't feel that I can say fully what I want to say. That I might be able to say something similar in Japanese, but it's still not completely what I wanted to say if I could use Danish. Also when I'm angry or nervous I tend to speak really, really fast (wether it's in Danish, English or Japanese) so if we're fighting and my SO says "I don't understand what you're saying!" ... I just feel stress building up.
But... it's just something I have to deal with. I'm majoring in Japanese at university so I hope to become even more confident in my Japanese as time progresses. Since I've so far only studied Japanese for around 3 years, but I'm already close to reaching a similar level as I have in English and I guess I have my SO to thank for that as well.

I actually did interviews in Japan, with Japanese university students regarding international relationships. Most answered that they wished for their partners to speak at least some Japanese as a sign of respect if their nationality, background and overall identity.
Those Japanese who had experiences with international dating, had in most cases used English as a communication tool, but they mentioned that sometimes it made them feel frustrated or stressed due to the fact that they could use their native language - especially in argument situations.
Some who had dating experiences with native English speakers actually said their felt inferior to their SOs since they had to speak their SO's native language - wheres their SO could speak freely. "He could just say anything he wanted!" one expressed annoyed. Another person said "Why should we use his language and not mine!?"

but... but... overall I received mostly positive responses, with people (both with and without experience) who expressed that as long as they had some language in common with their possible future SO's (might it be English) then everything would be fine.
It also depends on the person. I do not feel the need to speak my native language.
Also some of my Danish classmates are dating Japanese girls (the wonders of exchange studies) and they all, despite being Japanese majors, use English as communication. Some said it's because they don't feel confident in their Japanese, but other said that it's because "she wants to speak English"

Aaa... sorry about the long post... guess the whole "field study" person came over me.

[summerstillhere]

well, I am in the same situation with you. We both communicate in English but there are times when we cant explain things in english.
honestly, I am willing to learn his language and he is willing to learn mine too.

But few months ago, he also mentioned about the problem with our mother tongue
well, i guess language can be a problem in a relationship as well, eventhou I think we both speak good english.

[Disruptr]

My Dutch is limited, but luckily my SO speaks and writes perfect English (and corrects me if my grammar is screwy)

[Bbth]

Well, thank you guys for being so supportive. Yeah, it is not a reason to break up I guess I was a little bit dramatic back then haha
I still haven't gone to Russia, Moon :'( And Alex doesn't want me to... He says he is the one that should come to see me, which is kind, but also annoying... But I certainly will go there someday.
We don't have plans of closing the distance in Russia. He prefers to come to Brazil instead or that we both go to some english speaking country (no idea of how we'll get the visas, though). However I want to go to his town, visit the places he sees everyday, meet his family and friends and for this some russian knowledge is necessary.
Our kids will definately speak english, russian and portuguese. Trilingual kids! Haha. I thouht about it, but my greatest concern is: what if they speak a mix of the 3 languages and only us can understand them?
Alex and I communicate just fine in English. Sometimes he can be very shy, especially when it comes to speaking. I get really sad when he refuses to speak in skype. We usually type on msn while we watch each other through our webcams. It is really nice, but I love his voice beyond reason and I wish I could hear it more often. All I have are a very short "video letter" he made for my birthday and he singing a song while playing in his guitar *-*
I figured that if I learned russian he wouldn't be so shy because we could laugh of our mistakes together. I admire him very much for teaching himself english and I tried to convince him to speak to me more often, but he can be so stubborn sometimes...
I like learning languages and this shouldn't be a big deal to me. My mother tongue is portuguese, yes, but I have studied english since I was six and after that learned some spanish and, currently, I am trying to learn french. But after a few online russian classes I realized russian is the hardest language I have ever tried to learn :'(
All he taught me was cursing haha What a lovely teacher... But I have plans of learning russian, obviously. I believe his mother would respect me more is she saw I bothered learning her language.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone And anyone who knows russian here in the forum and can help me, please add me as friend

[ZariaT]

This is what is happening to me and my SO Gergely, we met with the intention that I would help him with his English. After awhile when things got more serious I knew that in the long run we wouldn't be typing with each other, but actually speaking. So we came up with a compromise. I am basically self-teaching myself Hungarian and I get to practice with him so then when I go there in two years I can speak with his parents and other family members. Now he is amazing at typing and can understand me when I am speaking, but the problem is that he struggles speaking longer sentences and pronunciation , so we practice that where I allow him to type what he wants and then I tell him to speak it to me. By the time we are finally together we would be able to speak to each other almost fluently. So maybe this plan can work for you as well. :-)

[Sukkerklumpen]

This is actually a problem with our families. Not something for us to break up though cause we comunicate perfectly in English and his dad knows conversational English. His mom knows little to no English at all which is the problem. Same with my family...My dad and sister speak English fluently and can comunicate with him and his dad but my mom only knows Spanish. So, when we actually got to talk to having a family dinner for them to meet we realized...it would be the most awkward dinner ever! So while this isn't really a problem with us since we both are intent on learning the other's language little by little, it does seem to be an obstacle when we organize family events.

[Alsfia]

While it's both good and a sign of respect to learn your SO's language, regardless of what language it is, it certainly shouldn't be a reason to break up! If it were, many of us wouldn't be here. When I'm in Helsinki, all of my guy's friends speak English, but his parents don't, so he translates and I'm very slowly trying to learn Finnish, afterall I spend a good deal of time there, its not like I'm a tourist at this point, so I try to learn it out of respect, and so I can read basic signs, and ingredients in the grocery store, etc. Also, there are so many families raising bilingual kids, it's great for them to start off learning multiple languages, it's not that unusual, or a big deal.

I do feel a little sorry for you having to learn Finnish, believe me, but then again Finnish is a very beautiful language. Despite living in Finland I am a native Swedish speaker (I'm a fennoswede) which my SO is very grateful for (him being a native English speaker learning Swedish is easier). Keep up the good work, Finnish is a beautiful language and I only wish we had more inspiring teachers in Osthrobothnia for us to learn better

[shootingstar]

I used to date a guy who only spoke spanish. Luckily i spoke spanish but sometimes it would be frustrating if I couldnt think of a word i wanted to say and sometimes had a hard time if i was angry or upset and couldnt communicate in my native language. Perhaps something to keep in mind with you SO and be patient if he gets frustrated with the language.

[Karura]

The language is really something that has been bothering for a while whenever I think about the future.

My SO and I speak English between us. When I first met him I noticed his English was poor but after these two years he has become better and now that we talk through webcam. Sometimes I notice that he needs practice orally, his Spanish accent makes it difficult for me to understand him sometimes. Even so, he's good enough that we can keep a conversation going and from time to time I correct him. He says he speaks well from the people in his generation where he's from but I keep saying he shouldn't compare to those, that he should be comparing to the English outside his country and in general if he ever decided to move to my country.

In Macau we mainly speak Cantonese and it helps knowing it if you look for a job but I can hardly imagine my SO learning it since he's still practicing English. We also speak Portuguese in Macau (also my mother tongue), and while Portuguese people usually understand most Spanish, Spanish people can't understand Portuguese so it'll be troublesome for him, even though I taught him a couple of things but not enough for a basic conversation. Lastly, in Macau there's also the English, thanks to the tourism which has been evolving and helping with economy. Most people (majority younger ones) speak English even if it might not be very good, which is a reason I keep helping him get better at English (that and because there might be a chance he could become an English teacher...). By the way, I speak all these three languages. I'm learning Japanese for years now since it was a language I have wanted to learn for a while but it doesn't help our situation since I'm the only one who knows it.

I have problems on my end with Spanish as well. Honestly, it was never a language I appreciated. I disliked it, then karma hit me and my SO turned out to be someone whose maternal language is Spanish. I know his parents don't speak English so I must try to use it somehow. While I can understand Spanish, when it comes to talking I don't know how to say what I want. And it also doesn't help knowing that I'll be so awkward when the time comes. My SO has told me to try and use Portuguese words if I'm not sure how to say them in Spanish but sometimes that fails me so I'm not sure if it'll help. I know my SO will help with translating if I'm in a pitch but I didn't want to rely on him. I want to make his parents like me and prove to them that language isn't a barrier. None of his brothers had a LDR before so they might be wary of it and my steps will have to be careful.

But whatever the future, I don't think we would live in a country where the most spoken language is English so I do believe one of us would eventually learn the other's language at some point maybe...

[TwoThree]

I do feel a little sorry for you having to learn Finnish, believe me, but then again Finnish is a very beautiful language. Despite living in Finland I am a native Swedish speaker (I'm a fennoswede) which my SO is very grateful for (him being a native English speaker learning Swedish is easier). Keep up the good work, Finnish is a beautiful language and I only wish we had more inspiring teachers in Osthrobothnia for us to learn better

It's great for your SO that your native language is Swedish (sometimes I wish it were the case with my SO ) however if he were to move to Finland to be with you, wouldn't he have to learn Finnish in any case since just knowing Swedish and English would diminish his employment opportunities? Or do you live in a city where everything is conducted in Swedish?

[snow]

So far I have never really worried about not being able to communicate with my boyfriend - we speak English since he's American and I learned it for 13 years in school and college - and he is very patient with me, explains terms that I don't understand and teaches me expressions when I misuse them. I never really expected him to learn any of the languages I speak - polish is my mother tongue, but I was born and raised in Austria so I learned German as well, in school I had French for 4 years.
I sometimes worry that the lack of vocabulary, expressions or idioms might make it hard for us to communicate when we're talking to each other in person, as I sometimes use a dictionary when I don't understand a word he uses and I wouldn't be able to do that. But I think if I keep speaking it, trying to keep my accent (even though I'd like to get rid of it, he likes it :P) and I keep being eager about learning new words and expressions we should be fine.
His whole family is very supportive and they all understand that I'm not a native speaker and that sometimes they have to explain words I don't understand or tell me how to pronounce certain words (like oven or pizza haha).

[vanda]

This is a funny "issue" for me. My boyfriend was born in USA but his parents are Mexican, so their English is poor. I'm Portuguese, and my parents also have poor English. Luckily Portuguese is similar to Spanish, so I understand his family perfectly fine, and my parents understand his Spanish too But I do question myself, if we have kids, will they have to learn the 3 languages to communicate with both sides of the family? xD

[Verojoon]

Have I really never answered this thread before!??

I met my SO from trying to learn his native language (Persian) He had recently moved to the US and his English was bad and when he found a video of an English-speaking girl trying to speak Persian, he felt he should talk to me!

His English has improved so much in the past 2 years, he gets nowhere near as frustrated trying to talk to me a she used to... still, it bothers him and he feels he should improve his English. I feel like it improves well from using it... but I also want him to be comfortable and happy, so if he feels he needs English classes, I will support him.

My Persian... not improved as much in the past 2 years... however I can understand more and more of it... and do very well with the sweet romantic things... ahhh I love it when he says sweet things to me in Persian!!

kheili eshghe mane... zedegiye mane... hame chize mane! <3