New :) ... sorry is very long ...

[lelifmc]

Hi, everyone... First I'm very happy the I found this forum and share our story's. I need some advice or opinions.....My story is this :
I meet this guy on 2010 first time the I meet someone online. He lives in Germany because of the army and I live in puerto rico. First we stared talking with no intentions of having any relationship just friends but we notice that we have so much in common and that we match together. we even plan so i can move to Germany and finish my degree there and everything but for some reason i meet another guy close to me and i finish with him(i was stupid). He got very mad at me and we stop talking for 2 years. He was always in my heart I never stop thinking about him for some reason that i cant explain.After 2 years i decide to send him a email to see how he was ....i was still marry but by that time my marriage was having a lot of problems.After a few days he answer telling me that he was fine and still in Germany.We start talking again like old times sharing our experiences...... because of the hour different we always found the way to talk each other through Skype everyday.I move from my ex husband house ....i was finally divorce he was so happy.... we were planing to see each other for the first time when he get back from Germany.One day he just stop talking to me. I thought something happen to him i used to send him a email everyday and calling him once in while but no response. One day i get back from school and he answer me one of many emails that i send telling me that he was afraid of me because I that dump him ,afraid of been hurt. I remember that i cry that day I apologize with him a lot. He forgive me after a few months and tall me to move on and try things out.I was very happy o more than that I was exciting we start planing again to see each other for the first time in January 2013 after 2 in half year knowing each other only skyping , phone calls and photos.But I think he change after we stared talking again because he used to find the way of always talk to me on skype and now is so different I know the time different is a huge factor and his crazy work hour but even know is not like before. We before exciting to meeting each other for the first time in January. I know I have to be patient but sometimes is so frustrating because i know I hurt his feelings before and he gave me another chance .. I just want somebody that is passing for some similar situation and give their opinions thanks....

[ShazzamSam]

I have actually been in this situation (different because I didn't get married) anyway, I met my mate online in November after getting out of a very abusive relationship. I too was not looking for a relationship and was talking to random people. I got connected to a guy in Australia and we instantly clicked and we started emailing. We had SO much in common it was creepy (still is). Around January I was beginning to develop feelings for him but felt it wasn't the right time to tell him since he didn't really indulge in feelings (he slept around) so I kept them to myself. In the beginning of summer I started to date one of my best friends. My mate had let me go and was happy for me. Having a boyfriend made me forget the feelings I was quickly developing for my mate in Australia. The day I hurt him was when I was with my boyfriend and my mate told me he was falling in love with me. I was completely happy and that was when my relationship with my boyfriend went down hill. I had hurt my mate that day because my only stupid reply was 'I have a boyfriend'. My mate is harder when it comes to feelings unlike yours and became very hurt, angry and withdrawn. After my relationship ended I was constantly trying to regain my mate's trust but in his own way he was hurt and worried I'd go find someone else. I haven't and I won't.

My opinion is to let things flow. Talk and communicate as much as possible. Don't give him any doubts but make sure things get back to normal. Don't give up, meet and have fun. Patience is virtue, remember that. I have yet to meet my mate and I get so frustrated but knowing that you both are looking forward to meeting, is totally worth the wait.

Good luck

[Verojoon]

Ok this is long!!

I also have a similar situation to both of you... I was married when I met my current bf. My marriage was in very bad shape but I didn't even realize it. (Now I look back and I realize, for example how come I spent my 30th birthday alone when my ex-husband was in the basement playing video games...) Anyways, I met him online, and we chatted a while and I developed feelings for him very fast. I wasn't worried though because I had a difficult relationship with my husband for 10 years and had gotten crushes before and was always able to forget about them and try to work on my relationship again. (I believed all relationships took a lot of work and hated myself throughout my entire marriage because obviously I wasn't working hard enough if I wasn't in love with this man who loved me so much!!) So I let myself have those feelings, thinking it was an innocent crush and nothing harmful... Well, it developed in this huge passionate thing, my husband was (understandably) very upset when I tried to tell him about it (thinking we could still work on fixing it, I originally told him wanting us to work on what was wrong with the relationship.... but like every other time a problem came up in our marriage, we ended up working on what was wrong with me... ) ANYWAYS, I always feel like I have to give some background because he judged me, and caused everyone around me to judge me so much during the divorce that now I can't mention I met my SO while I was still married without giving a huge explanation!! My marriage became very abusive in the last year... mostly verbal... but not only... I felt like I was worthless... I wanted to die... If I didn't have my children to worry about, I may have done something about it... But my current bf remained my friend through it all.. He refused to get involved, he would play devil's advocate and try to bring up my husband's side of things, and whenever it looked like I would finally manage to leave my husband, he would completely stop talking to me... because he wanted me to make sure I was making that decision for myself and not for him... I finally booked my trip to meet SO when my husband promised me he would move out of my house the next month, but the next month he still hadn't moved, then he said the next week, and week after that and the next day... (He had his things packed all that time) When I finally met SO in person (the trip was already booked) we had all the separation papers filled out and he was supposed to move out while I was at a trip at the beach with my daughter. I got home from this trip to find out he not only didn't move out, he was there waiting for me with two women... He had found a way to get into my email and found out I was going to Texas. Shit hit the fan. He tried to lock me into a room. He yelled at me. He told me to cancel my plans and stay. That I would go over there and get myself raped. He called me every name possible... Finally he told me that even though my flight was not until the next morning, I better get out of the house now, or he couldn't be responsible for what he did to me over the course of that night.

So I called a taxi. Packed my suitcases full of whatever I could fine and dirty clothes from my beach trip... While I waited for the taxi he came back to me and begged me to stay the night. to talk it out with him... He apologized. he begged. He told me he was worried about me... etc.

He finally moved out 1 month after I came back from my trip...

For the next year, things with the SO were pretty good... We saw each other again at Christmas and had a wonderful time... but saying goodbye did not go well... and there was a lot of drama involved... He got depressed after I left, (he did the first time too) and this time he never seemed to fully lift out of it... His life wasn't going to way he wanted it too.. and he became more and more distant... Finally, when he was supposed to come see me and we found out he couldn't because of his passport being expired, I couldn't take it anymore. I was CONVINCED he would be happier without me... Even when he cried to me, even when he sent me 500 text messages in one night, even when he left me 18 voice mails... I seriously believed he would eventually get over me, and be happier with a girl near him that could help him with all the challenges of his life... There was more to it, but this is getting seriously long as it is...

I met someone else. The main attraction for me? He reminded me so much of SO! Same culture, same religion (this is surprising because he is part of a religious minority for his culture), same figures of speech... He wasn't exactly my BF, of course, but it was easy to make myself fall for this guy, especially since he seemed so in love with me... And my children adored him (even though they ended up seeing him only 3 times...) But then this guy became distant from one day to the next and eventually we broke up... I was very upset about it because my pride was hurt and because I could not figure out what went wrong (I didn't find out until 2 months later, after he married someone else, it is a very crazy story for another time!) SO and I started talking again but I kept reminding him I just couldn't do LDR again... so I tried dating other people.. never anyone I went out with more than like 2 times... chatted with a few people, my requirement all along was that they were close distance... SO started picking himself back up and decided it would be best if he talked to me less and less... and I found myself missing him like crazy... Finally, we weren't talking at all anymore and I decided I needed to get out of town and go on vacation when my ex had the girls for a week... I debated on a few places... and I wondered if SO would see me... After a week of typing a text message, then erasing it, I got the nerve to ask him: "If I took a trip to Dallas at the end of August, you wouldn't be willing to see me right?" I got an almost immediate reply: "Of course, I would always want to see you." We started talking again... every day again... doing Skype again... but I kept making myself clear over and over again... This is not a relationship, I'd say. This is just us seeing each other and having a vacation.. maybe a fling... the closer we got to our vacation, the more empty my words seemed...

Bare with me... I know this is long!!

So I saw him. It was amazing!! Absolutely amazing... Seeing him! Being in his arms again... We spent entire evenings just talking like we never had before... Making plans for the future... talking about even the possibility of a future like we never had before... but something else was missing... and I could tell in a few ways... And he even told me. He said things aren't the same... I can't open my heart up to you like before. You hurt me too much... He was completely comfortable with me in the moment, but couldn't be comfortable thinking of me as a constant thing... and it killed him when he thought of me being with that other guy and how maybe I'd still be with that other guy now, if he hadn't left me... We talked a lot during our trip.. and we healed some of that but not all... I think that level of hurt takes a long time to heal... or it may never go completely... Halfway through the vacation I told him I said this wasn't just a vacation.. I wanted to close the distance eventually of course, but I was willing to take it one day at a time and be with him... But still this thing hangs between us...

I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing. This thing that hangs between us has forced us to do a lot of communicating and a lot of growing up and maturing... Neither of us are taking our relationship for granted anymore... I think it is one of those experiences that will either break us or make us stronger... and we are working so hard on it, I can't see how it could do anything but make us stronger...

I think with communications and work... and making sure that feelings intention wants and needs are clear in the relationship... And by even communicating the hurtful things so they are out in the open, this can give you the opportunity to strengthen your relationship!!

Good luck!

[lelifmc]

Thank you very much for the advice you guys make cry. I'm not going to give up. Never