On my own again..for now.

[louisekerry]

Hey..I'm new, so glad I found this forum today as I need someone who understands what I'm going through right now..

I'm from London, and my boyfriend is from Sydney, Australia. Unofficially, we've been together since September last year, officially since January when he came over here on a working holiday visa. We've been together since then and while we had one rocky part (where he cheated on me) we've been so happy and I know he loves me and I love him more than I can say.

Today he went home. Since I left the airport and got back to my family people have been talking to me and its just like I'm not there. I feel cut off from everything right now and I can't even speak to him as he's still on the plane. We have plans to see each other again in March, when I go over there on a working holiday visa, my cousin has offered me a job and a place to stay, so we're both holding on for that. and I know we can do it, I'm pretty sure we're strong enough. But right now it feels so hard, its 11:21pm here right now and I'm dreading going upstairs to my room because I know he won't be in it. I'm scared to go to sleep because I know I'm going to wake up and have to find he's not next to me, and remember that he won't be for another six months at least..

I'm starting a part time teacher training course next week that lasts until January, so I'm hoping that and my volunteering will keep me busy, as well as searching for work, (I've just finished university). My plan right now is to focus on my course, finding a job, getting more exercise (I want to get myself healthier again after post-uni-blues) and saving for my plane ticket. I just hope this ache won't last too long...or at least I hope it eases a little.

[inkognito]

Just make sure you keep yourself busy. Also, even if you don't want to go anywhere, you still need to force yourself to go somewhere. You just have to.
It will ease up a little, it will. Just make sure you have a life (hanging out with other people) and stuff.

[mawlz2012]

This post made me tear up a little bit because I'm going through the same feelings. At least for me, it's not just that I can't be with him, but that I feel like my life won't really start until I can be around him. (I also just graduated from college, and I'm having trouble finding a job post-graduation.) It's ok to cry and to miss him. Everybody has somebody whom they miss. But do appreciate the people who are around you in the meantime. And also appreciate that your person is safe and healthy in Sydney. We'll wait this out together!

[louisekerry]

it's not just that I can't be with him, but that I feel like my life won't really start until I can be around him.

Oh I totally know how you feel there. I've tried to explain this to so many people but no one else seems to really get it. I've said that until I'm over there I just feel like I can't settle on anything, anywhere. Because I know as soon as the financial stuff and graduation is out of the way I'll be gone. I feel like I have this whole new life just waiting for me there and I just feel stuck right now until I can go live it.

I'm dealing with it better than I thought I would, I expected and I think my family expected me to be a crying wreck for the first couple of days/weeks. But truly I've only cried twice since he left me at the airport and both times I wouldn't call really crying, sure I had tears streaming down my face and I just wanted to scream but I wasn't a wreck or anything. To tell the truth I'm scared to really let myself cry over this, I'm truly worried I'll just not be able to stop. The hardest part for me is going to bed at night, last night wasn't too bad, I fell asleep waiting for him to come online. (Aside from a text to say he got home safely I've not spoken to him since he left on Tuesday morning ) I honestly don't know if this has made it easier or harder. If that makes any sort of sense.. tuesday night was the worst, I just lay there and ached so much for him, just for that hug before we went to sleep, or just to feel him there. Last night was easier, like I said..well it was until I woke up around 5:30am and leaned back slightly (when I did this before he'd immediately put his arms around me) and I felt nothing..that was pretty hard and I'm actually tearing up now, I'm on my own for the first time since he left, (my mum is visiting my Nana today and my stepdad is at work..)

I'm starting to understand what people mean when they say its the little things you miss the most.. :'(

[mawlz2012]

Ughh I know exactly what you mean! (Again! lol!) Your discussion of missing the little things from spending nights together... ::heavy sigh:: Whenever I wake from a dream about him and he's not there, it's like I'm on a desert island...

I'm very glad to hear that you've been holding up better than you thought you would. Although, I'm sad to hear that you still feel like screaming, and that you're holding back on crying. If you can, when your mom and stepdad are out at some point (or maybe you might want to bring your feelings to them), give yourself the catharsis that you deserve. It can be so refreshing just to let yourself be upset about the situation before you make the decision to accept it and make the most of it. However, you know your heart better than I do, so how you handle your feelings is up to you. I'm just here to say that you don't have to be afraid to have the release that you might need. We all need it, sometimes. ::infinite hugs of encouragement!!::

[louisekerry]

Thank you so much, its so nice to finally talk to someone who understands what I'm going through. I find it very difficult to talk to anyone in my life about Mike now, or about how I feel. They all have issues still with the fact he cheated on me in June, which I can understand, they hate that he hurt me so badly. I hate it too but I've forgiven him and I really want this to work, I need them to accept and support that. Especially the fact that the decision to stay with him was for my own sake, not his. I didn't want him to fly off home and for me to be left wondering.. you know? They all seem to think I've been fooled, and I really haven't, if it happens again its over, because I'll at least then know I tried. But what can I say...they are there for me, or claim to be...well no, they are. But its like, they'll be supportive and listen to me talk (when I've tried) and try to make me feel better by saying things like 'It'll be okay, you'll see him again soon' but as they're saying it I can tell what they're really thinking, and its not of us being together again.

So yeah, bringing my feelings to them isn't something I feel I can do on this one I'm going to stay with my Nana tomorrow for the weekend, she seems to understand it a little better, I dunno if thats because she and my Grandad were LD during the war, (they were together since she was 11 and he was 14), or whether we just have a closer bond, but she seems to get it a little more and she's not treated him any differently over the cheating. I guess she also may understand better than most that its better to try to fix something than to throw it away. I don't know.

I'm starting to wish I was back at Uni, just for a while, at least then I could throw myself into my work like I usually have when things get tough. I'm starting a part time college course next week so I'll be able to focus on that then, and my volunteering/tutoring. Hopefully at some point I'll find a job and feel better once I'm able to start saving serious amounts toward leaving in March. Its not looking very hopeful just now as I'm just on jobseeker's allowance. I want to try and quit smoking, my boyfriend really wants me to and I know it'll save money.. I've managed to stop smoking the pre-rolled ones now and I'm rolling them myself, so I'm smoking a lot less than I was before and definitely spending less (£14 a week as opposed to £6 a day) still I guess thats £14 a week..what, £56 a month. I guess it would help...think I'll book myself a GP appointment today

Blaaah! Sorry, I'm rambling now, hehe

[Bramo]

I'm saying goodbye to my girlfriend of 2 and a half years tomorrow and I will see her for a week in February (holiday at work permitting) and then when she comes back in late August. I'm starting a new job soon which is terrifying me and not having her here for support is really hard.
I can relate to most of what you are saying!
I've just moved out of home to an area where I know no-one so I am struggling to hold it together but I know how much I love her and how my life without her in it would be so much worse and that's what's getting me through

[louisekerry]

Its so hard isn't it. I spoke to him today for the first time since he went home. He said the next six months will fly by...I said they better do, I miss him so much

Sitting here in his hoodie now..I'd give anything to be in his arms again <3

[Bramo]

I absolutely love havi a piece of clothing but as soon as it stops smelling like them it always really upsets me! I've really struggled to talk to my friends about it because no one has been through it so I love this site and being able to talk to people like yourself who are in the same situation to know I'm not alone!
How do you deal with the time difference?
We will have 7 in the winter which will be easier when I go onto nights shifts but to start it will jus be emails which is never as good!

[louisekerry]

Ohh, the time difference is a tricky one, at the moment he is 9 hours ahead of me, (I call him a spaceman because he's from the future, hehe :P) but it does get hard.. Like right now neither of us really have much of a routine so we can stay up/go to sleep whenever..he's asleep at the moment so I won't get to talk to him til later tonight, thats if I'm awake, which I should be. But I remember before he came over here in January, he worked at a casino and had funny hours and I'd find myself going to sleep at like 9 or 10pm and waking up at 4am just to talk to him when he got home from work.

Like I said, its okay now because neither of us have a routine, but once one or both of us finds a job and the demands of my course start up its going to be difficult. Saying that, before he came over he was working at the casino and I was at University full time, so been there, done that I guess I think its just important that you both make time for each other, even if its just half an hour in times where your time differences really clash, even a few minutes can mean the world when both of you are pushed for time, and it'll keep you going until the next few minutes you can get

I know what you mean about this site, I'm so glad I found it. I know I'd be much more of a wreck now than I am/have been since he left.

[Bramo]

Yeah we've been apart for 3 months before when she was in the states but she's off to Phuket in Thailand so the time difference is the other way.
Just something that has to be done I suppose it's nice to see people have closed the distance and are happy the really keeps me going! We also have the bands that say love knows no distance and I love mine rather comforting!

[louisekerry]

Oh I got us the bands too, definitely a Godsend. I've not taken mine off

[summerstillhere]

Its so hard isn't it. I spoke to him today for the first time since he went home. He said the next six months will fly by...I said they better do, I miss him so much

Sitting here in his hoodie now..I'd give anything to be in his arms again <3

I know how it feels When we are far from the one we love. I cant share my problems with my friends because when they hear the words long distance they just tell me to gv up;(

At the moment, I just dont talk about it anymore because no one want to gv me hope they just make me feel sad.. And now, because both of us are working we dont hv much time to talk like before. It has been 5 months since last time we were together. It really hurts to be far from him and no one by my side to support me.

I try to make myself busy but I cant stop missing him ;(
We talk about goin vacation together but
I dont know if i can see him again.. Hopefully we are still together until we can see each other again.

[louisekerry]

I'm so sorry you feel so alone with this, it must be so hard feeling the loneliness because of the distance and then the loneliness of not being able to talk it out with anyone. I've felt similar over my situation, there aren't many people I can really talk to about this at all. But you're really not alone, not in the slightest, we're all here in the same situation when it comes down to it we're all away from the one we love and its so hard. But you know how much this means to you, and if it means enough then you need to try to make it work. You're going to have bad days and good days, on the good days, it will hurt a little less and on the bad, all of us here are only a message away. and from what I've seen here the only kind of response you'll get is the genuine support you need, from people who understand every part of what you're feeling.
Keep making your plans together, if he means this much to you you owe it to yourself to give it your best shot

[Smoosey]

Ah yeah. I can relate completely. He flew to stay with me for 3 months. Best 3 months of our lives we both agreed. I think i was lucky when i had to drop him off at the airport - we were late - so there wasn't much time to spend on feeling sorry for ourselves. He ran to his terminal, we kissed goodbye and he was gone. I tried not to linger, i just headed home and tried not to think about it much. Found myself not knowing what to do a lot at first because it was just me. Had the same feelings of not really being able to cry but wanting to scream. I've recognize this as a feeling of being so despaired that you just want to let it all out at once, bury your head in a pillow and spend the day just filling it with mucus and loud wails. If find crying isnt that much of a big deal - and most times it just makes you feel better about the whole thing. so thats how i spent my first day away from my SO.

I'm not sure if the longer you're apart it gets easier or harder. I guess it depends on your situation. Its been over 3 months since he left and we talk to each other everyday, watch movies together, play games etc. We seem to have a lot working against us though and things seem like they'll never get better. He's beginning to struggle with it all, but no matter what happens i know the best thing i can do is try to give him the strength to keep moving forwards. I know we will get there in the end.