Leaving your family?

[louisekerry]

I was just wondering how other people have dealt with something like this, if you have..
I'm planning on moving over to Australia for a year next year on a working holiday visa, I have a job and place waiting for me there, just gotta save up for my ticket and have my graduation in January and finish my teacher training course. So we're both very excited.
I've been with him unofficially since Sept 11, we've been officially together since Jan 2012, so my family have known and surely have had time to accept that this relationship will mean me going over there at some point. So far I get the idea that despite how much I've been talking about it, my family, well, my mum in particular, has just thought its just talk, or that the relationship will fade out before I have a chance to leave.

I want to make this point clear though, I would be doing this anyway, regardless of my boyfriend. I love him to bits and the fact I'll be closer to him is amazing and definitely one of the reasons I'm putting this into action, but I've told my mum I would be going anyway, even if he wasn't in the picture. But she's also convinced that he's the only reason behind this decision.

Anyway, me and my mum got into a conversation about it the other day, it was coming close to the day where my boyfriend would be flying home and we talked about our plans. She then told me 'I'm not happy about this at all.' I said what do you mean? I've been talking about this for months! she said 'I'll never see you' I explained to her that I would be coming back, and even if I did decide to move out there, I would still come home and visit. She said I'd probably be hardly ever able to afford to and then said something about out of all the grandchildren my Nana has, why she got the one who wants to leave. I understand she's gonna miss me and I'm her only child etc, but I don't want to be made to feel guilty about this.

Have any of you had to deal with this kind of thing from family? Even now while I'm talking about booking a flight and applying for my visa she just seems to think it won't happen. I'm worried that despite going on about it for months and all the planning that when its all booked and definite and all that that she'll realize its really happening and will freak out. I love my family to bits, they mean everything to me. But I have to do this.

[snow_girl]

You're her only kid its a big deal for her for you to go away for a year...but she will get over it. I went to Germany for a year and a half and of course my mom and Dad missed me but we skyped and talked regularly. Now I've been away for another year in the uk with my SO, of course they would rather have me in the same city but it isn't their life to live and we still talk quite often. Its a shock for your mom but don't let her stop you, she just has to come to terms with it.

[mllebamako]

I agree with snow_girl, your mom will eventually accept the idea and get used to you being away. I have lived abroad for about 5 years total and, as much as my parents which I lived next door, they understand that this is where my life is right now. I make sure to keep in good contact, which isn't hard because I miss them so much. I send them articles/funny pictures I find and then I skype with them 1-2 times a week.
Reassure your mom that you'll do your best to keep in contact. You could even set up a weekly skype date with her or something. And then you just have to do your thing and know that she'll eventually come around.

[louisekerry]

Thanks for your replies I totally understand that she'll miss me etc, and I have told her we'll skype loads. I guess it doesn't help that I've only just moved back home from uni after being away for 4 years (aside from the holidays and the odd weekend). When I was younger I was always the kind of person who was happier at home, I got so homesick whenever I left and never imagined I'd ever move out til I was at least 30 :P But over the last few years I have really grown up and now I've moved out already and had that independence I can't see myself being here for too long. I love my family so much, they mean everything to me. But I just feel like this is something I have to do, despite the LDR, the idea to travel has been like this constant growing itch that won't go away. I want to be able to do what I need to do but I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. Did either of you feel guilty about leaving? My biggest worry was that something would happen while I was away, like to my Nana or someone, but I've thought it through and I can't just stick around 'just in case'. I just don't want to feel bad about this.

[mllebamako]

Did either of you feel guilty about leaving?

I do feel guilty from time to time. When something big happens in their lives and I can't be there. Or when something big is happening in my life. We've started talking about having kids and that probably brings the most guilt. I don't want my parents to feel left out from their grandchildren's' lives. But then again, I am only 1/2 of the relationship and it can't be all about my family. Someday, we'll move to the USA and we'll be at least in the same country as them. But for now, I am happy in my life here and they understand that.

[louisekerry]

I think that's understandable. I'd want my family to be as involved as possible in any big events in my life. They always have been, it would be strange not to have them involved in some way. I mean, someday one of us will make the move and will have to live with that decision, but for now, my intentions are only to go over there for a year, so I don't plan on any life-changing events or to make any life changing decisions until at least that year comes to an end.

My mum seems to think this is so easy for me, and while I can easily say its definitely what I want, its far from easy for me to be actually doing it. I'm terrified. I've never even been out of the UK before and the first time I do it'll be to the other side of the world for a time longer than I've ever been away from home before. I keep thinking like what if something happens, to my Nana in particular who isn't getting any younger, she means the world to me, I wouldn't be able to just pop back if something happened to her. On top of all that, I've only been on a plane twice, to Northern Ireland and back in 2004, that was like 45 minutes each way. The idea of being on a plane for 12+ hours terrifies me. I just don't know how to convince her that this isn't a decision I've made lightly.. what I mean about her freaking out, is that I feel that right now she's being like 'yeah, oh right, ok then' going along with it and not really taking in what I'm saying, then when its all booked it will be a shock to her and she'll really freak out. I don't want that to happen. I guess we'll see..but other than promising to come home and that we'll skype lots and even talking about her and my stepdad coming out to visit me, I can't think of any other ways to make this easier for her..

[EnglishMan]

I think practically everyone here could understand the situation. It's tough leaving your family an moving an hour down the road let alone halfway across the world. And of course any parents will want to be able to be as involved with their child's life as possible.

I think the way you've got to look at it is, you want whats best for you, and so does your mum. Life is about trying to better yourself or involving yourself in an environment you find truly enriching. I read a lot of my own feelings and worries in this thread; im really close to my family and the thought of moving 5000 miles away scares me a bit. That doesn't scare me nearly as much as thinking of a future without my SO however.

I can sympathise with your mum to be fair, it would be a scary thing for any parent. But that's something she has to deal with, it's more up to her to realise that this is her daughter going after something she really wants in life. I personally think that after a couple of months or so of you living there, it should be easier for her to get used to the idea, for now she's worried about how to deal with it all, but when it's actually in motion she will likely realise it's not so bad, that as long as you guys have regular contact then she is still largely involved in your life.

Like you said, this seems more of a year-long trial, there's nothing concrete as yet (like a permanent move), so she shouldn't be so flustered about it. I think it's more her issue than anything, I think as long as you keep in good contact then it's a good thing