He doesn't tell friends about me

[Benni]

My guy and I have known each other since February and we declared our love to each other the 1st of August. I was so excited, I told my sis about it. She is not internet savvy and doesn't understand how such a relationship could possibly work but she does listen to me ramble on about him/us.

Last week, I finally told 2 of my best online friends whom I've known for years and they are thrilled for us! So, I asked my guy if he'd told his friends about us. This was his reply:

"Nobody knows about you, because you are not yet "real", so to speak, so to talk about you would only lead to petty jealousies, jokes at my expense, but when you visit I have women of our age who will treat you real well (sometimes a girl needs to talk about stuff with another girl :-). And all the men will treat you well because you are so sweet. "

I know what he's saying/means, but it kinda upset me that he's told no one. Am I being silly about this?

[Verojoon]

no, not being silly. This was something that annoyed me so much about my SO! Still, to this point, the only people who know about me are his mother, 1 cousin, his best friend (who I did get to meet on our 2nd visit), and a random co-worker... I keep asking him if he's ashamed of me, or embarrassed about our relationship... He says no, that he's just a private person and he doesn't normally let anyone into his life... It's not about me, but about his personality... I understand, but still, sometimes it annoys me!

What is with the petty jealousies comment though? I find that weird... if there is anyone in his life that would be jealous about your relationship, then it seems to me they SHOULD know about it, no? My aunt had the same thing with her LDR (they are closing the distance at the end of next month) and his best friend (female) didn't know about her... for similar reasons... You are the same age as my aunt, so maybe it is a generation thing?

[H.Mikenzi]

I can definitely understand what you mean about being a little hurt about him not telling anyone in his life about you. I remember when my boyfriend and I first decided to be a couple and I was a little slow at telling people about it because I was a little scared that they'd think I was weird or something, but the truth is that I've done the long distance thing before and after a little bit I was just like 'who cares what anyone thinks about the distance!' and I just started telling everyone about him and how wonderful he is to me. I think the question I would have is whether or not you've told him that it hurts your feelings that he hasn't said anything? I mean, I understand things from his view, but I also get them from your view, and I would hate for you to be feeling that way and for him to not have an actual idea about the fact that it bothers you. Try telling him, maybe talk to him about the people in his life, learn about them and how they are significant to him, if he feels like those people are important to you, he might be more willing to tell you about them, and when he's comfortable with telling you about them, then perhaps he'll be comfortable in the same sense in reverse (telling them about you). Just give him time on it, don't push him to tell them because then he may end up resenting you for it, but take baby steps to it and see how it goes. Hope this helps a little!

[Zephii]

I wouldn't be alarmed, guys in particular don't talk about their relationships half as much to begin with, and this is a really new relationship. For Obi and I it took us nearly five years to meet, so over that period he did occasionally confide in his mates about me, and some people realised he got a lot of packages in the mail from Australia, but there were still a lot of people who when I did finally go meet him either thought we were just mates or had only recently met.
His parents considered me such a stranger, they did not allow me to stay at their house for the first two weeks of my visit (and we were both in our 20s!) and a lot of the people who did know about me? They spent their time telling him he was dreaming. That I was never going to meet him, that I was only going to break his heart... that, how could a relationship possibly survive between us when we couldn't even meet in person for so long?

Where I'm going with this ramble is people knowing about your relationship isn't always a positive thing, nor is it anyone's business particularly. I don't at all think the relationship should be hidden - I don't think it's ok to lie if someone directly asks either of you if you're seeing anyone.. but at the same time, no one needs to know at this point.
Eventually you'll be such a presence in his life people wont be able to help but know, or he wont be able to hold it in any longer... but right now? I don't think it's worth worrying or being upset over. It takes a long time to become "real" when you start online, and that's ok

[Moon]

I think you just need to be a little more patient, as your lives intertwine more, you'll be mentioned I think that LDR's have more of a stigma for generations that were born before the information age, and it might be hard for him to get past that. Give your relationship some time to blossom and bloom a little bit, to become more "real" feeling to him, sometimes that takes awhile. I can understand feeling a little hurt, I would have, especially because when you find something great, you kind of want to shout it from the rooftop, so to speak. Sometimes though, people are afraid to talk about it, because of the fear of it suddenly going wrong and need time to get comfortable.

[Black_Halloween]

Just be patient. I'm kind of in the same spot as your boyfriend is. Only a few people know about my boyfriend. My parents don't even know yet.

[Sora1101]

I can understand why you feel a bit hurt by it, in fact I was sort of the same, 3 years into our relationship and his parents don't even know that he has a girlfriend. But you can't let it get to you, guys aren't as open with their relationships and it's especially hard for guys to admit that their girlfriend is far away because there is such a stigma attached to guys that they need to be out banging chicks every night not sitting at home talking to a computer screen. I'm sure he's just waiting it out and trying to see how they would feel about him being in that kind of relationship before opening up about it. I mean no guy wants to be teased by his bros forever about things like this. Just be patient it will come in time.

[Benni]

Wow, wow!!! Thank you all for your replies!!!!

What is with the petty jealousies comment though?

He meant petty jealousies and jokes at his expense combined as one issue -- guys he knows who are single, looking, and not having any luck. He hasn't dated in 4 years -- steeps himself in his teaching, many volunteer duties and community participation, always so busy.

Try telling him, maybe talk to him about the people in his life, learn about them and how they are significant to him, if he feels like those people are important to you, he might be more willing to tell you about them, and when he's comfortable with telling you about them, then perhaps he'll be comfortable in the same sense in reverse (telling them about you).

He talks about his friends a lot, by name, and the things they do together. I feel as if I know them -- kind of. I feel it's too early to harp on the subject, he may come around in time and tell his closest friends about us.

a lot of the people who did know about me? They spent their time telling him he was dreaming. That I was never going to meet him, that I was only going to break his heart... that, how could a relationship possibly survive between us when we couldn't even meet in person for so long?

That's exactly what he's trying to avoid and I understand it completely. I listened to the same from my sis when I first told her and it was upsetting. Now, the more I tell her, the more understanding she has become.

Sometimes though, people are afraid to talk about it, because of the fear of it suddenly going wrong

Now, that is MY problem -- I'm afraid I'll jinx us if I rave on too much about it!

Just be patient.

I'm trying!!

I mean no guy wants to be teased by his bros forever about things like this. Just be patient it will come in time.

I think you hit the nail on the head -- he would be teased endlessly!

[D.4C]

i can't say i have told everyone..not that i wouldn't...but the people that mean the most to me...know...the rest will know as time goes by...lol

[Benni]

Thanks D.4C -- Yeh, I just need to be patient. We are still 'new' to each other (as he says) so I guess it will take time for him to tell others.

[hans]

Hi, I'm i guy and I can sort of recognize myself in the beginning of our dating, the thing about not being "reel". That's how i felt with our relationship. But as we learnt to know each other more and more, the more "real" is our relationship. And for now it's as real as can be, even though we don't see each other that often.
And I think that is the key - when he see your relationship as real and not some kind of just "syber relationship" then it's much easier for him to tell others.
So I agree with everybody else, give it some time.
Best of luck

[Benni]

Thanks hans! That makes me feel better.

[Softy]

My opinion is be patient and he eventually tell ppl of you.
Maybe for him its too soon.

I know that for me at the start I didn't tell ppl about him.
And he was actually the one that was worried and asking about 'our status'.
And it's not because I didn't love him, but before meeting face to face, I was horrified that it was only a lil online flirt.
In fact, I was sure he would come visit me and then leave and that would be it.

So he visited, i did fall for him more than ever.
Now all my friends and family knows about him because now I feel confident in our love.

So maybe just wait a lil more : )

[Benni]

Thanks Softy! I see you are another Canada/Texas couple!

[summerstillhere]

well in my case both of us didnt really tell others about our relationship.
except for few of my colleagues who saw us and the words spread in the building where i work.

well, for him im sure he didnt tell his friends about me too. probably one of his colleague knows about me because he asked him about marriage and stuff (he's totally only hv 0.1% ideas about asian cultures and all that) and also his sister.
but i think i understand if he didnt wanna tell his friends about me because if they know then lots of questions will come out from their mind. just like what happened to me in the office.