LDR not willing to commit to an LDR - TOO HURT by the distance

[ChocaToubab]

My SO and I met in France. Then, I had to leave to another country. We started talking everyday and started a wonderful, loving LDR.

After 5 months, we closed the distance when I went to France, but I could only stay for the summer.

Then we broke up right before I left because he said it was too hard and painful to imagine me being away from him again (I had to leave for my country, the US). I was heartbroken.

Now, we are at a distance, not in a relationship, yet we continue to talk everyday and flirt a lot. It's like we are still in an LDR except at the same time we are not in a relationship at all, and we are both really cautious...
I think he is really afraid to be hurt again by committing to (or admitting to) LOVE given that the distance may not ever permanently close. And his lack of commitment hurts me. We have both tried seeing other people to get over each other, but it hasn't helped. Neither of us can completely let the other go.

How to proceed?

[snow_girl]

I can't blame him for being apprehensive about a relationship in which the distance my never close. I wouldn't waste my time with that even if I did have feelings for the other person.

[eveningsky]

You could both try an open relationship (since you said you were trying to be with other people anyway)? If you both care about each other as much as you say you do, I'm sure you two could work out a way to close the distance.

[digitalfever]

I'd tried to talk to him about an actual end date and see if that could be possible for either of you.

[MadMolly]

I am in this exact situation. Well, I was. In love but not willing to commit without a positive concrete end date. So, I decided to commit to moving to him for one year. We'll see what happens after that. I still hesitate to say I'm in an official relationship, but we both personally know we are what we are, so that's fine by me. It'll be more 'official' once we're together.

Can you work out a way to close the distance at any point? Even temporarily? Would that help you? If not, I'd suggest cutting ties. If you can never be together, then it's the only way you'll ever be able to move on.

[Bethypoo]

I understand where you both are coming from... BUT... You really have 2 options. 1- you cant waste your time with something that isnt going to happen. It isnt fair to either of you to "kind of be together". It jsut makes both of you miserable and does alot more harm than good. So make a decision and go for it because to keep wondering and not have your heart into something is not the way to go. 2- tell him that it is obvious that you have both tried to be with other people and that it isnt working. Let him know about option 1 and that it is no way to have any relationship, romantic or not.

I really wish you the best of luck and hope you end up together. It makes for a cute story. And anyone can survive the distance if they have teh desire to.

[jean grey]

Can you work out a way to close the distance at any point? Even temporarily? Would that help you? If not, I'd suggest cutting ties. If you can never be together, then it's the only way you'll ever be able to move on.

I agree. I'm in about the same situation and I think closing the distance like MadMolly is going to do is the best (if not the only one) option. Have you ever thought about something like an erasmus? I'm not sure but I think that there are a lot of project that can bring you in Europe if you are a student or not(like "leonardo da vinci project")...