When it goes horribly wrong

[midnight_starlight]

Dear Loving From A Distance Members

I am in some dire need of advice, and I wish my first post wasn't coming to you with such bad news. But I need to get this off my chest with people who ACTUALLY understand me, so here goes- please forgive me if this post is a little long.

We met at the beginning of February this year, I was a student from England doing a semester abroad in Hawaii, he was a student at the same university I was studying abroad at- originally he's from Washington state though. We met through friends and started dating a few weeks later, there was an attraction to each other almost immediately (I'm a little dense, it takes me a while to admit I like someone)

We dated for four months until the semester ended, my visa ran out, and I had to go back home to complete my final semester of university. He still has a year and a half to go because he briefly went part time to save money and work. Once I finished university, I started applications for Grad school in the USA (not because of him though, I've always wanted to move to the USA and I adore my major, and it's been my dream to become a professor and teach in the USA at college level for a long time)

I know what you're thinking, seriously dating for four months isn't that long- but we saw each other every day and about three months in I started practically living at his apartment due to issues with my room mates, I'd met his family (who all loved me and I loved them) and we'd said that we loved each other. I have never felt so strongly about anybody in my life, he was sweet, kind, caring, a genuinely nice guy, funny and silly and admired all my geeky-ness, and probably loved me more for it. We had the most amazing time together.

And then I got on the plane, sad but full of hope that we'd see each other again soon.
Flash-forward to about october time (approx 5 months since we left each others company) and he tells me he can't come and visit in the winter- he has no money (obviously the trip from hawaii to england is VERY expensive) and his mother messed him around, saying she'd help him with tickets (hence why he said he could come) but she then changed her mind. He felt terrible, said he was screwing me around. I felt awful too, and missed him terribly. But we talked through it and realised that there would be set backs, as we are both young (both of us are 21) and pretty low on cash. But then he said he would do his best to save every bit of money he had to come and see me, he even made a savings jar with the word "London" on it and did odd weekend jobs for his friends at his former workplace for a bit of spare cash (half which would go to living expenses, the rest would go in the London jar)

He went back to school again full time in the autumn semester, saying that because I'm so smart, I was his inspiration to go back full time. This meant he had to stop working (he has mild ADHD so he really has to concentrate on his schoolwork). As a result he gradually stopped doing things, stopped sending me care packages, stopped working out, became slightly more unhealthy, wasn't drawing or even going to the beach as much. The more I think about it now, the more I realise I should have started worrying about him sooner, he stopped doing a lot of things he loved. And I started feeling like he didn't care about me as much, though I knew it wasn't true, we had a very loving relationship. But because I'd stopped seeing the evidence of it, I started feeling it (does that make me a horrible person?). I tried not to feel that way. I knew that school had to be his priority, but it just hurt deep down.

Then flashforward to december, he says that he will have to work during the summer months to come and visit me later in the summer- so the dates have been pushed back again, we both agreed its not fair for me to come and see him first (I don't really have the money either, though I had started saving too). By that point it would've been over a year since we'd seen each other.

And that was the final straw,
I realised that, whilst I loved him so much, I so desperately wanted to be with him, and him with me, I couldn't handle the pain of being separated with him until he finished college. I didn't want to end up resenting him for not being able to do as much for me as I do for him, because he's wasn't only my boyfriend, but one of the best friends I've ever had. We talked, he was so broken up, but told me that I deserved to be happy and he feels he's let me down. It was awful. He cried, I cried, we didn't say goodbye, but we said see ya around.

We talked again a few nights ago and laid some ground rules, that we both needed space for a little while but eventually we hoped to be friends. Neither of us wants to lose each other. And I just keep thinking, it's so unfair, why do we have to be so young and have no money? Why can't the US and the UK make it easier for people to move between the countries (so much for special relationship)? Why can't two people who love each other so much actually BE TOGETHER? It's so unfair and I'm so upset. Logically, I know it's for the best. But my heart feels like it's going through the shredder, and the more I'm not seeing or talking to him, the worse it gets.

Does anyone have any advice? I could really use it, the majority of people around me say stuff like "oh don't worry, it was a summer romance" or "I told you the long distance wouldn't work out". luckily the best friend will be back in town next week. But for now...help? Please?
*sniffle*

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I can't give much advice, but I can sympathise. I've been with my SO 19 months, 11 of which we've been together in person. By the time my SO and I have enough money and time to see each other again, it will have been a year since we last saw each other. Considering we were supposed to be closing the distance this September, it's a massive set back. And I was in your position, thinking "how do I manage a full year alone?".

Take the space and time to think about it. See this as an opportunity to clear your head. But if you're not done with each other, you're not done. Do you see what I'm saying? I realised that, although I didn't want to wait that long, I wasn't done. And although it was hard, there's not anyone here I want more. There's not anyone here I want at all.

Having said that, committing to a relationship where you won't see the other person for a year isn't an easy decision to make. But if distance and time are your only two reasons for splitting, and there's nothing else... Are you done? Or are you just struggling to accept the reality you've been presented with?

Yes you're young, I am too, but in the grand scale of my life, being apart for a year is not the end of the world.

[midnight_starlight]

Thank you for your answer,
I don't feel like I'm done, but I do feel exhausted. I'm at a time in my life when there's a lot of uncertainty, and to have my hopes lifted and then dashed (that he would come to visit) was just another uncertainty, I felt scared that I'd never see him, scared he'd never come to me. So it wasn't necessarily the year of not seeing each other, but rather "how many more setbacks can I take before the love turns to hate?" I feared resenting him for the fact that he couldn't focus on me as much anymore, even though I understand that school comes first in this case.
And me being the freakoutaholic that I am started questioning everything and it all just spiralled out of control.

I just feel like I would be waiting for him, and we have no concrete plans to close the distance. I'm trying to get back to America (somewhere I've always wanted to live) but it's bloody hard to get a visa and, to be honest, marriage is not on the cards right now. He's still in college, and I think we're far too young. Plus I would feel wrong doing it, if I'm going to move to a country I've always wanted to move to, I want to do it on my own merits.

But we've broken up now, and I miss his so much. My head says it's the right thing to do, that neither of us are "in the right place" in life to have a LDR (especially him) but...I love him, and I miss him so much. And there's nothing I want to do more than hop on a plane and see him.

Gahhhh I'm just so confused!

[Zephii]

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't really get why people break up over the distance. It's like saying "I don't see you enough so I never want to see you again"... which makes no sense to me at all.

The way I see it is this: Most people start out young and with no money, but time heals the young part and hard work + good management gets you past the rest. People who love each other so much CAN be together, if they are willing to put the work in. Being from different places is a delay - but it wont actually stop you. There are thousands of people who have jumped through the hoops of immigration before you, what makes you think you can't do it too? Why do so many people in LDRs start getting upset at how "unfair" it is? It's got nothing to do with fairness. It's a fact. And if you put your energy into acceptance rather than self-pity you can actually start enjoying the elements of the relationship you do have.

You say you still love each other, that you're suffering from making this decision. Well, maybe there's another option. Maybe you need to not treat the relationship like it's on pause when you can't see each other, and keep working on those facets that don't change because of the distance. Or perhaps you could spend a year as friends, date other people, see where the river takes you. I'm a firm believer that if your heart is taken by someone no amount of dating, or trying to give them up like a drug, will change that. They will still be there at the end. Not waiting for you per-say, but tied to you in that unseen way, knowing that it isn't over you're just waiting for season 2.

On the visits front, it's also common for couples to split the cost of the visit, seeming it's for both of you. Work together rather than keeping score, you know?

I just want you to know that it is possible, that there are options and above all there is support. This forum, these people, are wonderful and they can help you pull through if you decide to stick with this bloke after all (or even if you just remain friends)

[midnight_starlight]

It wasn't the distance that was unfair, it was things that kept prolonging our separation that were unfair. I never had ANY problem with the distance, it's all these set backs, the broken promises and the uncertainty. Having your hopes dashed repeatedly does kinda get exhausting after a while.

I just wish I knew what to do. Because his behaviour was scaring me, it wasn't saying to me that he didn't care as much, though of course I knew he did. It felt like I would do anything for him, but he would do anything for me "if the circumstances were different" I felt there was imbalance, however unintentional it was.

As I said I'm applying to grad school in US, but if that doesn't work I've heard that finding a work visa is really difficult, if impossible right now- because of the financial crisis (this is what I've heard through a lot of research) I know I do sound like I'm in a pity-party, but I did just break up with someone who I thought was the love of my life only 5 days ago. And I've not talked to him since.

There are times where I think that it's better this way, and other times where I miss him just so much I don't care about anything else. I just wish I knew the answer.

[Zephii]

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, I'd a bit sleep deprived and that makes me short. I do usually try to be nicer.

I do feel for you. The gist of where I'm going is that if you can reach a place inside yourself where you can accept how things are, you can make the best of them. Most things in life are connected to our attitudes. Happiness is very much a state of mind.

Truly I understand where you are coming from, it took my SO and I more than four years to actually meet because of the young with no money thing, never mind the visits. But, I also know that if someone had of just told us what we were trying to do was actually POSSIBLE maybe we'd have gotten our shit together sooner. Instead they told us we were dreaming, that it wouldn't work etc etc.

I just wish I knew what to do. Because his behaviour was scaring me, it wasn't saying to me that he didn't care as much, though of course I knew he did. It felt like I would do anything for him, but he would do anything for me "if the circumstances were different" I felt there was imbalance, however unintentional it was.

I think this is pretty normal. Generally I've found that womenfolk have a higher need for the relationship and because of that we tend to put more in and faster. Guys contribute in their own ways that sometimes don't make a lot of sense to us. Like, he could very well think that by going back to school he is putting in to the relationship, because in the long run he'll have more money for visits and to provide for you (even though most women work these days, I find the protect and feed mentality is still very much there.) so he might not understand right away that it's not the same as getting care packages or hearing nice words. If that makes sense? (I feel like I'm not making sense today)

Or maybe right now he realizes there's not much he can do, so he's accepted it and is just waiting it out? The only way to really know and see change though is by addressing it.

Hopefully time will provide you answers and healing. I am sorry for your heartbreak.

[midnight_starlight]

Truly I understand where you are coming from, it took my SO and I more than four years to actually meet because of the young with no money thing, never mind the visits. But, I also know that if someone had of just told us what we were trying to do was actually POSSIBLE maybe we'd have gotten our shit together sooner. Instead they told us we were dreaming, that it wouldn't work etc etc.

This is another of my problems! I have a lot of people around me, particularly my divorced parents, that fed me negativity- though unintentional. My mum would say stuff like "let him prove his love to you" and my dad was like "Why do you have to commit? There's nothing wrong with dating other people who are actually here" ugh.

But thank you for your kindness, I just wish there was a simpler way. I feel like I should talk to him, I have a very strong need to do so. But I'm scared I would be messing him around. We said we both needed maybe a couple of weeks space. The last time we talked he said he'd always love me, even if we were just friends, he hoped we would have a loving friendship and that I'd always have a place in his heart to remind him of how truly wonderful people can be.

I don't know if I should just bite the bullet and message him, I don't want to mess him around when I feel so chaotic myself.

[Zephii]

It'd be nice if things were simple, but on the bright side, when they aren't it makes for an awesome story once you get to the other side.

Maybe do something nice for yourself to distract your mind and relax for a little while. The answer might simply come to you if you're not trying to find it?

[midnight_starlight]

Well my final applications to grad school will be done tomorrow, and on Saturday night I'm going out with my friends for the first time in months- so that will be something to celebrate. Hopefully after I spend time with friends, and I no longer have the stress of applications to deal with, my mind will be a bit more clear on the matter.

Do you think it would be fair to contact him at the end of the weekend? I just want to know how his finals went, if he's ok. I miss him.

maybe this sounds stupid but all I want is for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything will be alright. He was good at that.

[Zephii]

Hmm, fair? I don't know. Much of the time I don't know what's really right and wrong, but... you do what you have to do, you know? If you can't sleep at night (or whatever) because you need to make that call.. you do it, and hope that it's ok... That whatever both of you get out of it makes up for however unfair it is.

If he ever doesn't want you to contact him, he will tell you flat out, or block your number. But, it sounds like he still loves you and would welcome the contact.

Good luck for your grad applications.

[aomnomnom]

DO NOT GIVE UP ON THE ONE YOU LOVE. It's hard but you are both still young, once he's done with school and get a job or you go to the states then you both can be together... if you guys are meant to be, it will happen and you will have a nice romance to tell

ps. there's no such thing as the "special relationship" maybe culturally but deff not legally

[Softy]

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't really get why people break up over the distance. It's like saying "I don't see you enough so I never want to see you again"... which makes no sense to me at all.

I'm sad to learn that some ppl do give up, but personally I can understand.
A LDR can be rough, especially if both don't have money to see each other for a long time and miss each other so much and cry so much that it affects their daily life (their school,work,family and some even stop eating).
Some ppl are just not strong enough to make it or have no/little support.

Anywho,
Midnight_starlight....
come here!
/hug

I know how you feel.
When you want to be with someone so bad and you miss him so bad but many things keep getting in the way.
But you must keep strong, both of you.
If you both believe in it, in your relationship, you will make it and you will eventually close the distance.
But both of you must support each other, both have to keep strong.

I hope all will go well for you.

cheers

[Kiyama]

Not everybody is cut out for a long distance relationship. And in my opinion it doesn't mean you don't love each other enough. It has to do with the mindset and it can be a struggle to fight against yourself day after day. No surprise some people get tired of it. To change oneself is never easy, especially with such things.
Take my SO. He's an army kid so he grew up moving around and for years he was in the army himself, not seeing his family and friends for months at a time. Of course he misses me but he's by no means as miserable as I am sometimes.
I've learned to cope with it but it's been hard and there are days I can hardly bear it because of who I am and how I grew up. But then there are days and weeks I feel this strength in me and I can see my way clearly. And somehow this strength (or maybe it's love) takes me through the hard times.
Don't give up just yet *hugs*

[EnglishMan]

It sounds like your breakup situation was pretty similar to mine.

My ex and I were (and still are) pretty madly in love. It's hard to describe our connection, but it just entailed everything. Im sure practically everybody here feels the same about their relationships, there's just nobody I connect better with, nobody i'd sacrifice more for (outside of immediate family) and nobody who makes me as happy and fulfilled as she does. And she felt the same for me.

In a rather sick ironic way, it turns out that's mostly caused our breakup. Much in the same way you describe, for my ex the need and want for me was too strong. I know people will read that and say 'if you love somebody that much you'd do anything for them'. And I agree in a sense, I feel if she feels that strongly for me, why would she draw a line and stop the future we could've had? It is tough but could she not tough it out for now and give me the few years it'd take for us to be happy forever?

But while I would've gone through anything for us, I can appreciate how it can get 'too tough' as well. Im not a greatly emotional guy, but there were days id be pretty emotional all to myself, just cause I wanted her here, I needed her here. At that point. This would be on days where everything was going just great and id be like it while were speaking occasionally (without letting onto her). Even when LDRs are perfect they can be very tough. I just kept repeating to myself 'a few years of toughing it, and you get an eternity with the woman you love. What could be more worth it.

I dont want to appear to be slagging my ex or anything, because she's still the most perfect entity in the world to me. She just couldn't deal with missing me and needing me there with her (there's extended reasons why this was the case, but I wont go into them as it wouldn't be fair on her). It broke my heart when she broke up with me, and I wont pretend it's healed much really, but I dont think ive done the right things for myself until just recently. But she did her best for me, for her and for us, til the point where it became too much. Worse for me is there's now somebody else on the scene who she quite likes, and to see my love be courted by someone else... let me tell you, I haven't felt as bad as this ever. I don't think there's much worse, that isn't something completely extreme.

Thankfully, my ex has and still is doing a fair bit to help us get over it. I know people say about no-contact, but I felt a whole lot worse when we tried that. We now talk everyday, and it still feels good knowing that she loves me (again I wont go into it, but throughout its been a case of she loves me, and this isn't just coming from her mouth). It sucks that if there was no distance or less distance, she'd choose us in a heartbeat, but it still feels a little good to be loved by somebody I love so much.

As for advice, im not sure I can offer too much, so my post is pointless :P . I haven't found too much to make me drastically feel better, unfortunately the only fact in my whole situation (the breakup) is the last thing I wanted. I guess its a day by day thing, I think im a little better than say 2 months ago.

The only things I would say; it helped me a lot to have the 'our future' talk with her. Obviously nobody can guarantee anything, but I promised her that no matter how hard it got for me, id do my best to always be there for her, and in her life. And she said that other than having me, thats the next thing she wants and needs, she couldn't bear us not being connected. Infact it was her who started those talks, just because we aren't dating, it doesnt mean her love or need for me is any less. I cant play the boyfriend role and while id rather not just be friends, I'd like to keep a connection for life. Depends on the breakup as to whether thats applicable.

Secondly; keep distracted. Its hard, for me I dont actually like distracting myself from her. But it's gotta be done. Maybe its a little easier for me as im the one who got broken up with rather than being the 'breakee', but its just a fact that she broke it up and there's not much I can do about that. So there isnt much point doing too much, though we chose to keep open with our feelings etc. While personally id recommend some connection if you're still close as friends and whatnot, it's important to make yourself independent too. If you aren't together then it's 'back' to being two separate entities, rather than a couple.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, unfortunately through no fault of anybody, the pain of LDR's can cause it. Best thing to try and do is remember that he made you feel that way about him, and vice versa, and it's a great thing that your journey came to fruition. I'd rather have the amazing relationship I had coupled with the total heartbreak, over never knowing her, or never dating her.

And the future's unpredictable, you never know if one time it'll be easier, or the situation will allow it to be better. I believe no doors are ever permanently closed, unless you make them that way, and breaking up but keeping a friendship is not a closed door. Not necessarily that you'll get back together or whatever, but it can still produce a very significant outcome, and if your friendship is able to stay strong now... well he's likely going to be a very good friend for life. And maybe it wont stop there, many couples who break end up back together. Like said, if the love is true, then nothing will ever completely destroy that. This could just be a setback, or something a lot more temporary than you think.

It hurts now, but it is an amazing thing for your life to have had, so rather than be down it isn't happening, be thankful and happy it did. It'll be a great thing to look back on eventually .

P.S. Im very good at writing a lot... apologies for the novel

[eveningsky]

My SO and I are in the same situation (young, poor, the only issue we have in our relationship is distance and it's really eating at us, and I'm from the US, he's from the UK). All I can do is agree with you. I agree the immigration laws suck. We're still sticking it out but it's so hard. We're aiming to get married once we will meet the requirements for a fiance/marriage visa. He has to make enough money first though which is an unfair pressure on him. I can't possibly save up enough for it to count toward the expectations (if I did, I might as well have my student loans paid off!) I'm sorry you two broke up but I understand. LDRs hurt when you're past the point of hope (and my SO and I had lots of it until we both graduated and still weren't able to be together). I hope that there's some way you can work it out.