Advice on feeling neglected

[Trisha]

Hey everyone,

My love and I attend the same university in the States, but he returns to France during the Winter and Summer breaks. We've been dating for a little over a year now, so we've been through the distance before.

The trouble is that he always goes on vacation during breaks; previously during our relationship he's been to Mexico, Portugal, Japan and Greece. And I've always handled it pretty well because there was a fair amount of communication, except the week in Greece where he didn't contact me at all because he had no access to the internet.

Now he's in South Africa, where his access to internet is also pretty scant. Right before his flight we had a huge argument because I felt he wasn't making enough of an effort to stay in touch.

Firstly, he doesn't need as much "talk time" as I do, because he probably doesn't get as much out of it as I do. Secondly, in any of his social relationships, he usually relies on the other person to make most of the effort. These things I understand, but I'm sick of it. He made promises to try harder, and reassured me of his love.

I have no doubt that this man loves me very much. I know he's absent minded and unorganized, and on top of it all he's on vacation with his family and he should be spending time with them. I'm not asking anything of him at all, because he rarely gets to see them and I'm very happy that he's getting to spend this time with them.

However, I feel a million miles away from him. I feel like even my memories of him seem so far away... I feel as if I'm not even in a relationship. And although I don't want to, I'm beginning to resent him for making me feel neglected.

I feel incredible sadness and frustration. I feel defeated. I'm very emotionally sensitive and I can't handle it anymore. It's just three weeks until I see him again. I know we'll make it, it isn't a very long time. But I'm afraid I'll still resent him even when we're physically together.

What can I do? He probably already knows how I feel about the infrequent communication (one short Facebook message every 24-36 hours), as it's something I've expressed over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for any advice you can offer me!

[Alsfia]

I can in a way relate to how you feel, since my SO and his family seem to do everything to get away during the breaks. He has a lot more breaks than I do, and a couple times he's come with me to school to keep me company and meet my friends (my school is rather small, and he's even helped one of me english teachers during her class. She was so grateful she bought us both dinner :P ), and I sometime wish he could use his holidays to come see me instead of going somewhere with his family that he sees all the time. Right now he's in India, and I must say I was rather annoyed at that since he was going to visit his sister in Japan but his family changed their minds last minute. I had hoped we could spend some more time together over New Year's as well since it's 12 weeks until we see eachother again...
So with all the rambling done now, we cope with it by talking about it as soon as the feelings emerge. You say that "he probably already knows", but I wouldn't settle for a "probably". Make sure he knows, talk it through thoroughly, try and find a way to make the holidays go by quicker, with or without communication? I went to Senegal for a fortnight in april this year, and I wouldn't have internet access all the time and my phone bill would already get huge after staying in touch with my family. What I did then was to write him one letter for each day (it ended up being more than one though, but he didn't mind ) for him to read, and that's also when I started keeping a journal for him (he picked it up later, we have one each now).
To come to the point, take your feelings up properly with your SO, and don't give in before he fully understands, and find other ways than internet to communicate. It could be as simple as sending a post card Also, concider yourself lucky being able to spend the terms with him.
I seem to have written you an essay, hope it's not too tiring and atleast slightly helpful. And Happy New Year!

[ThePiedPiper]

Am I misunderstanding or is his talk time only scant when he's on holiday, and further, in places where he has limited access to the internet? Though I can understand the importance of communication in a LDR, I feel like this is a part of who your SO is that you're either going to have to decide you can accept (and in doing so, see that you're the only one seeing his lack of communication as neglect) or can't. :/ You said that there have been a few times he's been away, including now, where he hasn't been readily able to access the internet. Roaming charges are expensive, international phone calls are expensive, and I'm assuming he's not somewhere that at least won't charge a pretty penny for every minute he uses the internet. Furthermore, he's with his family, who you mentioned he hardly gets to see. It can be hard for some people to understand that relationship but as someone who is extremely close with her mother, if I were ever separated from her (and my sister) for so long, I would probably be wanting to spend plenty of time with them on holiday, especially if I saw my partner the rest of the time out of the year. I guess I'm not entirely understanding where your issue is coming from. You say every time he has had ready access to the internet, communication has been fair. The times he hasn't, Greece and now, are times it's harder for him to get online. He can't help that or the fact that his family travels and that South Africa was, this time, the chosen destination. As opposed to being resentful of him for doing what he can versus going above and beyond in a place he can't easily access the internet, I would recommend utilizing distractions. Pick up a hobby, join some classes, go spend time with friends... Do what you need to do to keep your mind off of it until he comes back. Usually I'm big on the whole "talk about it" thing but in this case, it sounds like he's trying. Even if it's a message every 24-36 hours, he's trying when he can and that needs to be appreciated. He's on holiday. Let him be on holiday. You're treating him like he's choosing not to speak with you and quite honestly, it sounds like he's been fair about communication anywhere he has reliable internet. Just because he doesn't in South Africa doesn't mean you need to hound him about it. Try and be okay with the messages, keep things loving and light, and talk to him about his trip when he gets back. Ask him to take some pictures of x or y for you. Get involved in your own little way. My advice is not to bother talking to him about it because it'd be like him bitching at you for not calling if you didn't have access to a mobile or landline; it's a lot harder than some people think. If you do decide to go ahead and talk to him about it, I would save it until after his vacation or else you risk building resentment for provoking him while he's supposed to be enjoying himself.

[Trisha]

ThePiedPiper,

The problem is, even when he isn't on vacation--I'm the one who makes most of the effort to communicate. We've had countless discussions about it and it doesn't seem to change. When I was recovering from an appendectomy last June, he barely contacted me for the week I was recovering at home. It just makes me feel like he doesn't care, which I know isn't true.

There's a history of events working behind this one that is leading me to feel this way. Secondly, I'm not asking him to make phone calls to me because I know they are expensive. (Although, to be fair, the money probably doesn't matter to him -- not that I would ask anyway.) I'm not asking for Skype calls, or long tedious letters. I'm asking for a sign that he cares to maintain any kind of intimacy. Something to let me know he's thinking of me a little and not just haphazardly stringing a few words together and sending them to me.

I just want to clarify that I'm not being an overly demanding, and unappreciative girlfriend. I'm not hounding him about anything and have expressed no negativity whatsoever in my communication towards him since he's been on vacation. My answers to his short messages have always been light hearted, loving, and excited for him.

I want him to have a good time with his family, but I also want him to spend just 5 minutes a day on me and our relationship, because that needs a little bit of nurturing too. I'm simply recognizing a problem that does not stem from an isolated event and wondering how to deal with it.

I think the best way to go about this is to share my concerns with him when we are reunited, and hope that we can work through it as a couple.

Thank you for your advice anyway.

[ThePiedPiper]

Potentially.

I guess I see this issue a lot and I think people need to figure out whether or not it's a battle worth fighting. People tend to have an issue with not being messaged/IMed first or with their SO getting lazy when they're the ones initiating most of the contact. Though I can understand being upset about him not initiating contact during your appendectomy (as I would probably be upset as well), does it really matter who initiates contact? Does he hardly talk to you even when you do make the effort? The thing is that I have been in a position where I was the one to initiate contact 99% of the time. It bothered me. It became a point of tension because I wanted him to initiate the contact but we could easily go a while without him doing so. It made me draw conclusions and it made me want more from him until I eventually had to get over it because he wasn't going to change. Yes, I initiated the contact, but we still had plenty good conversations when I did. It wasn't like I was initiating the contact and he was not having/holding a conversation with me; it was simply that I was the one doing most of the initiating. Sometimes you have to decide whether or not it really, truly matters that you're the one doing the contacting, especially if you're having good conversations after you initiate it.

I should also note that different people have different levels of needs of contact (as you yourself mentioned) moreso in a CD relationship than in a LDR. If you're seeing each other every weekday, for example, or even every weekend, he may not feel the need to text you as often as someone who is seeing their partner once a month might. I'm not sure how often you see your partner, since you attend the same university, but since you're CD during the school year, that may be why his needs for contact are a bit more limited than they would be if you were permanently LD, as in, if you only saw each other in winter and summer versus seeing each other during the school year.

Thank you for clarifiyng, however, as your OP made it sound like this only happens on vacation in places he does not have internet access, making it hard for him to put effort into the relationship. Still, if he's able to hold a decent conversation with you after you initiate them, I would wonder if it's really an issue. Now, if it's that you initiate contact and he's giving you one word answers and you see each other once a week, that would be different than if you see each other a few times a week and he's able to hold a decent conversation after you initiate contact. But my opinion, and I have said it to others on other threads about their partner not initiating contact, is you need to weigh up how big of an issue it is. Is it that he's truly not making an effort, or is it simply that you message first plenty most of the time? I understand about the appendectomy (did this happen while he was on vacation or did he come over/spend time with you during your recovery), and maybe situations like that do need to be worked on, but I think sometimes these things need to be understood as differences in communication styles versus his not making an effort, especially if he shows that he cares/makes an effort in other ways.

Now I don't know how often you see each other, whether or not he can hold a conversation with you once it's initiated, and whether or not he was on vacation, at home, or at home and not seeing you during the appendectomy etc. That information would be pretty helpful in determining his behaviour, simply because seeing each other once a week and not holding a conversation makes a situation worse than if you see each other twice a week but he holds a conversation with you every time you try to start one. So I apologise if I'm misunderstanding on this one, but I think that his "lack of effort/communication" could depend on a lot of things and it could mean a lot of things. If, however, it does mean simply that he doesn't start conversations with you, and that he can go a while without really contacting you if you don't contact him, then that's an area I would decide whether or not it's worth it to continue pushing, especially if it hasn't changed the numerous times you bring it up. Eventually you just have to accept that something is the way it is and that's the way it's probably going to be. Sometimes we have to do this even where things can be improved! And it's never fun for anyone, but if you've had "countless discussions," then I don't know what you expect to be the discussion that finally sticks it to him. It sounds like he hasn't changed and like he's not going to, and that's a matter of deciding whether you can't handle it or whether you can think about it in a way such that it no longer bothers you.

[MrTony]

Sorry for not reading the other posts completely. I know a lot of advice has been said, so I'll limit mine to a few things.
In my relationship, the only way to get out from being unhappy is to talk directly about what the problem is, and what your feelings are. Everything. My SO and I have nothing hidden from each other period. We've talked about feelings that "they don't care", and it turns out it was just a communication issue. If you haven't talked about specific feelings to him, you need to. He is the only one who can really answer, we can only give suggestions to how it might be. My SO is very good at nagging. I guess that's good, because I tend to mini-bubble when I get hurt. So she pokes until I tell her. She shouldn't have to though, we should be 100% open and honest already. We have both felt many times that the other wasn't paying enough attention, but that doesn't change the fact that we're both 100% committed. We've talked about it and understand each other. It's very important to understand each other. It's also important to sacrifice for the other. Once you know his situation away from you, then you need to sacrifice for him. And the other way around.

[Trisha]

ThePiedPiper,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It's comforting to know that other people have been through this before.

We never spend a night apart when we're together, save for when his mother is visiting him from France. This is definitely why it's ok for him to be missing in action for the two weeks that he will be in South Africa.

The appendectomy story was an issue of its own. When it happened he had just left the States to return to France. During the week I was recovering he was in Portugal with his mother for the weekend, but mostly he was home in Paris. I understood and didn't press the issue when he was in Portugal, but as time passed when he was home in Paris, I wondered why we hadn't been contacting me. Why wasn't he curious to how I was feeling or recovering? How could he go days without saying a word? I was home for a long, lonely week. I was weak and still coming to terms with the new scars on my abdomen. It was a hard time for me. I needed him. Finally, I contacted him, angry and hurt, and found that he wasn't too busy, but mostly naive about how hard it was to recover. Furthermore, he thought I exaggerated about the stomach pain, how hard it was to get up, and that I couldn't walk straight days. These were all painful things to hear. But his naivety is partly because he didn't contact me to find out what those experiences were like and to help me through them, even when he could have. Why didn't he?

And the answer is, as you correctly suggest, that's just how he is. When he realized how upset I was he offered to Skype me immediately. He just didn't anticipate that I could feel the way I did. Usually, I'm not recovering from appendectomies, so it's rarely a big issue.

Anyway, since I've written my original post, I've come to peace with everything. Distance is just hard and everyone needs to be cut some slack. He needs to be cut some slack for being on vacation, and for generally being sucky at initiating contact. I need to be cut some slack for being the one "waiting by the phone," and for being a little more dependent on him than he is on me.

I usually tend to focus on the negative, a disposition I blame on birth. But there are plenty of positive things that I should focus on instead. Despite the distance and the lack of contact, I never, not even for a millisecond, question his love and commitment to me. And that's something that I'm truly lucky to have.

Thank you for your advice and for being my sounding board. I know that everything will be just fine. As he would say, always endearingly, maybe I was just being a little too dramatic.

[MrTony]

Hope everything goes good for you guys