He wants me back??...

[AmandaZ]

(If you read my previous posts you'll understand more)..

So, as some of you know, some weeks ago we started out taking a break for a week because he needed to think this whole thing through, and it's almost a week since we officially broke up.. and now today when I woke up and casually checked on facebook, he had pocked me and send me a message about that 'he's suffering much and he's and idiot and he please needs to see me as quick as possible!' ect.. I asked him if he was ok and he wasn't, I asked what happened, and he asked me if he could talk to me face to face. I said ok.

Then when I came on, I saw he was crying and telling me things like that he's sorry and he had ruined it, and he's an idiot and asked me to please come back!..
of course inside I was happy that he wanted me back. but outside I kept it normal and asked him to calm down, and we'll talk. because I don't want him to think that he can just get me back like 'that'!... we started to talk, and I was asking him why he wanted me back? and that I thought he couldn't do this anymore? ect ect..

and of course he said it was a mistake and he's sorry ect. in our conversation, I was asking him all important things like; tell me why you ended this? and why you want to continue? and, is it because you Love me, or because you don't want to be alone? what if you leave me again? ect.. of course I didn't ask all at once. he kinda asnwered them, but I need more explainations to know what he fully means.

But he includingly said that he can't do it because he loves me, and I understand him, I'm tolerante, honest, respects him, and accepts himself. and that I give him values and makes him feel secure. I make him happy and without me he doesn't have a goal. and because I am his little 'Kitty'..(yeah, that's my nickname ok..xD).. he was just desperate and scared because he didn't know for how long he needed to wait more and if this relationship could work. I guess he kinda got cold feet..

of course I told him that I love him too, but if this relationship is going to continue we need to make some improvements. I put down a couple of things I wanted him/us to change like, make more time for each other, don't cancel when we have a deal or date unless it's very important, and to not be afraid to tell his family that he needs some more time with me, sometimes. I told him that I knew how important his school and work is, but that I am a part of his life too.

we didn't really have time to discuss it further, since he had really bad connection. but we made a deal that we'll continue to talk tommorow.

I haven't Actually said yes or no yet. we only talked about it and such. The thing is, I love him and I want him back too, but it's just he hurt me really bad!.. of course, it wasn't his intensions to do that, and he was hurt too, but still. and I'm kinda bumped that we made all this fuzz over nothing during Christmas and New Years..

But I'm pretty sure I'm gonna say yes, after we've talked eveything through. because when it comes to it, he's a Great and wonderful guy, and I don't want to lose him..<3

[Verojoon]

it sounds like you know what you want to do and that's good. It's a type of situation where only you know what you can do... My SO and I have actually broken up a few times in the past (once we stayed broken up for several months when I was the one who left him) ... I think your best bet is just to talk and let it happen naturally (it sounds like it's what you are doing) no reason you need to put a label on it right away, right? You can just talk to him share your feelings, your fears, your hopes, your goals, and if it all works well, as it sounds it would... then you would naturally progress back into a relationship...

LDRs are hard.. I know for my SO and I it took us about 2 years of off and on drama to finally reach a point where we can deal (more or less..) with the distance and not have so much drama... It's all about learning to be with each other (I guess CDR have this adjustment period too... but I think it happens quicker and just makes or breaks the relationship so much quicker...)

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with Vero. I also want to add that her situation is exceptionally unique. I believe one other person on here had a similar situation (I can remember her profile pictures but for some reason, her username slips my mind ) and it's not often that people end their relationship and then are able to piece it back together and flourish. I wish I could believe it happens more often than it does, but a lot of the times, it does not. This is why I suggest taking it slowly. Don't worry about saying "yes" or "no."

The thing is, didn't he end your relationship over the distance? He sort of drifted until he finally said he couldn't do it? He thought over the decision for a while, and he decided he couldn't do it. Thinking over it for a week while in the relationship is different than "thinking" over it for a week immediately after the break-up simply because in the latter time, emotions are running high. You're desperately missing you're partner, you're longing for things to be different, you're lamenting what could have been if only you'd have tried, and you're trying to rationalise ways to make it work. You're making decisions out of loneliness and desperation, even if you don't quite recognise that yourself. One week is hardly enough to truly recognise and internalise a decision. One week is hardly enough time to have made changes, especially if you two were talking off and on. One week is hardly enough time to cope with your decision and even come to terms with it, let alone retract it.

I know you want to believe that he's doing it out of love and not loneliness, but the fact of the matter is, loneliness probably does play some part in it. Desperation probably does play some part in it. He may not tell you that and he may not be aware of it, but within the same week of a break-up, that is going to come into play. It typically does. What I would be wary about is whether or not he's able to handle the ground rules. Even if you set them, it could very well be false security. You're not dating a man who genuinely regrets his mistake and has internalised why he regrets it and what he could do better the next time. You'd be dating a man who regretted his decision because it hurt to make it. Though it's possible you will see changes in your relationship in the beginning, eventually you're going to see it going back to what it was. Goals or no goals, one week is not going to have made it any easier for him to deal with the distance. A lot of people have broken up over it only to try again and they end up breaking up for the same reason a couple months later. I don't think he's had any time to grow and mature from his decision and so will end up making the same mistake and dumping you when the distance gets too hard again.

I have a feeling that no matter what anyone says, you'll take his word and end up getting back with him (we've probably all been through this ), so all I'm going to advise you on this one is to be careful...

[Moon]

You two, especially you, are very young yet. Before you start making decisions about getting back together, you really need to consider if there's any REALISTIC way you can meet each other in the next few years. If the distance is hard now, it will only get worse as time goes on. If you can't, no matter how much you love each other, getting back together is probably not the best idea. I'm not saying it can't work, but how many years can you REALISTICALLY go on without ever being together? I cap realistically because many young people think love conquers everything, but it doesn't. All the love in the world won't buy a plane ticket, or approve a visa (assuming he needs one for the EU), it won't find you jobs good enough to financially make it happen. Money may not be everything, but in an LDR it's kind of essential to a point.

I don't mean to discourage you, all I'm saying is don't make a decision based only on emotions (love), but out of logic, too. This kind of thing gets easier when you get older, educated and start working, but that's a pretty long way away for you. I'd hate for you to waste some of the best years you'll have, waiting on something that could prove unworkable. Think very carefully.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I agree with everyone else. I don't want to discourage you either and I'm all for trying to be with the one that you love, but you should take a little time to yourself and make sure that you're ready to go back into this relationship. You've already had to let go and start dealing with the emotions and grief of (basically) losing him. Now would be the best time to see how things go for you on your own for at least a few days and see if you really want to go back to dealing with the distance.. especially since it's why your relationship ended. You're still young and have your whole future ahead of you. I think that you should work on seeing if being together is a realistic goal for the two of you or if you're just holding out and hurting yourselves for something that may not happen. If you're meant to be together it will happen, it just may not be the best time right now.

Regardless, whatever you do is your decision and I wish you luck. I know that if I was in the same situation I'd probably end up going back to him as well.. even if it wasn't the best decision at the time.

[Verojoon]

I agree with Vero. I also want to add that her situation is exceptionally unique. I believe one other person on here had a similar situation (I can remember her profile pictures but for some reason, her username slips my mind ) and it's not often that people end their relationship and then are able to piece it back together and flourish. I wish I could believe it happens more often than it does, but a lot of the times, it does not. This is why I suggest taking it slowly. Don't worry about saying "yes" or "no."

I wanted to add that all the times we broke up and went right back to each other after a few days or a few weeks, the problems were never resolved. I have complete faith in our relationship in the long terms now (I'm just worried about how I can see him more in the short term... not for the survival of our relationship, but just because I want to see him more!!) But what it took for us to get to that point was for me to completely walk away... It was hard... we tried staying friends, we tried not talking at all... we tried dating other people (he went on one date and decided he couldn't do it and left half way through, I actually got into a serious-ish relationship that lasted a month) He begged me to come back, we both did tons of crying... he called me in the middle of the night... he talked to his mom about it (this was a huge deal because she was one of the biggest obstacles) And then, after a month of me not being with anyone... and us only talking sporadically... after about 2 weeks of not talking at all.. about 2 months of no drama from him... Once we were both able to think clearly... and not be attached together in that weird dramatic way we were... I sent him a simple text message... I wrote it one day... and I sent a week later, once I was sure. All I said was "If I came to Texas would you see me so we can talk?"

He replied to me right away that of course he would always see me...

We didn't plan to get back together. I think after a situation like this it is better not to officially plan it... We talked more and more as the date of my travel came closer and closer... maybe we were together then... we certainly weren't with anyone else... but it didn't have a label... We didn't put a label on it again, until we were able to have a really good face to face in person talk about our future... about making plans... about the things that had come between us before.

Those few months apart changed us. It made me more sure of what I can and cannot accept.. What I want in a relationship. And to be able to stand up for myself and believe that it's okay if I want something different... That I shouldn't settle for something I don't want because it makes me feel demanding to say you give me what I want or else.

It changed him even more. He used to be the less mature one in the relationship... he's definitely the more mature one.. I internalize my feelings and then, they all come exploding out... and I feel like I can't deal with anything.. and it's the end, and he doesn't let me make the drama anymore... he just let's me explodes and talks to me calmly... he gets me to talk about what the problems are... and he helps me work with him at seeing a solution...

Most people when they apart for a while they change... Often it means that they are now in completely different places in their lives where they can happily move on from each other and not think about getting back together... our story was a little different... And like Claire said, it's rare... But it happens.

Regardless, whatever you do is your decision and I wish you luck. I know that if I was in the same situation I'd probably end up going back to him as well.. even if it wasn't the best decision at the time.

Yep! I agree with this... I went through the whole break up and getting back together so often... it wasn't the best decision.. I can't say I regret it now... I don't think we were ready to make the real changes we needed to make at the time... I actually think back on those times with a smile... and shaking my head in wonder... lol we were crazy... it wasn't exactly healthy or the best way of dealing with things... but it's what led us to where we are now...

Whatever you end up doing, you are living your story... and to bring back the point Moon made, just make sure you are LIVING it... Make sure your decision is something that moves you somehow... moves your story forward... preferably towards being together someday... otherwise towards understanding yourself better... Just don't let it make you stay stagnant...

I will respectfully disagree with Moon on one thing... these could be the best years of your life, sure, but in my belief the best years of your life can be anytime... but, at the same time, I will agree.... why not try to make them as best as possible... and then make the next years even better... etc.

Good luck with everything!

[Alsfia]

This is a bit off and not really an advice, but isn't it when you're young you should make your mistakes? I do agree with the other posts, I just thought it might be healthy to put the thought down... If you feel it's right, take the chance, but take your time (Personally I always hate it when I find myself rushing into things (after I have rushed into them, obviously)....)

[Moon]

This is a bit off and not really an advice, but isn't it when you're young you should make your mistakes? I do agree with the other posts, I just thought it might be healthy to put the thought down... If you feel it's right, take the chance, but take your time (Personally I always hate it when I find myself rushing into things (after I have rushed into them, obviously)....)

If you waste your entire youth on one "mistake", you'll never have the fun of making more to learn from. I wasn't telling her not to make mistakes, but if you lose the time, you never, ever get it back.

[Malaga]

From a cynical old lady's point of view -- in most situations the reason for this scenario is this:


Don't sell your feelings cheaply, for a few nice words and an ego massage. Give it time, see if he's consistent, but most of all focus on your recovery process. If he shows he's consistent and reliable and you feel sure that he's the person for you, then try it again. If you're not sure, then in my opinion it's not time to get back together.

[Alsfia]

If you waste your entire youth on one "mistake", you'll never have the fun of making more to learn from. I wasn't telling her not to make mistakes, but if you lose the time, you never, ever get it back.

As I said, it was just a thought...