When the first visit is a long one. How did you handle it?

[SmileyK]

My SO and I were talking about this the other day, and trying to come up with solid ideas instead of just cloudy dreams about the day when we do meet. I'm really hoping I can go to him and be with him for Christmas this year, and we ran into a few things that got us talking and we thought we'd put it to the LFAD community. I know there are many other threads around, but thought I'd try to make this one a little more specific. So, for those of you who have or have had a longer distance between you and your SO - different countries, a couple of hours flight and $1500 odd dollars, how did you handle that first meeting?

We've both agreed we want to make the most of our stay and make it longer - not just because of the expense, but because of the time waited to meet. Whether that stay be something like 3 or 8 weeks, we haven't got caught up on such details yet. We do webcam a lot, so we pick up a number of each other's habits, and I guess that living with them you'll get used to such habits. How did you live with them? Were you on your own renting a place or staying with family? If with family, did things get crowded? Were there family expectations that worried you or split parents and decisions on who to stay with? Did you take any time off work to spend with your SO, and if not, what did your SO do while you were at work? Did you do any sight-seeing together that wasn't local in which you saved up extra for i.e. a few nights away in a hotel, or was that saved for a later date?

I think the biggest problem facing us at the moment is money, and while I'm good at saving, my SO is not. He's worried about me paying for the whole trip there myself (which I don't mind doing) and would rather split the costs of the airfare (which I also don't mind doing). However, I think I like the independent idea of buying it myself, and not feeling pressured or in debt to him. It might be quicker to save it up together, but as I'm holding out for a white Christmas (hey, I gotta have some other pleasure than just my SO ) quicker ain't necessarily better. And even if it were to take my SO twice as long to save the money to come out here, we'd probably be due for a second meeting by the time he did I think he's also worried he won't be able to save the full fare without being tempted to spend it, hence wanting to go the half-and-half road, but I think he can and of course I'd be willing to help out, as it would cost him more to come here because of the VISA.

To add to everything, I have a Mum wanting to tag along for the visit - she's been dying for a white Christmas since forever, and naturally, wants to meet him. I think she would add a lot of pressure to my visit (even if she only stayed for like 1 or 2 weeks) - I'd be a lot shyer, probably less physical, worried about the ideas she has for my sleeping arrangements, but at the same time, I don't want to deny her the opportunity and it would make for a more comfortable plane flight. :\

Soooo, share your experiences?

[Tooki]

I fly from Australia to Europe as well, so I'm in your boat.

My first visit was for 22 days. I think that visiting for around a month is the best idea for a first visit. For all you know, you two may not be so compatible in person and being stuck together for 2 months could get very rough. If you feel confident, make the trip last for around 5 weeks or so if you want.

I stayed with my GF in her sister's apartment (4 adults and 2 babies in a small apartment can get rough), but we managed fine. It was Euro summer, so we were outside most of the time until midnight (more like twilight) and beyond. Her sister met her husband on the internet and isn't Estonian so they were fine with me staying with them. My GF lives with her sister, but her dad and siblings were fine with me.

I visited during my mid year uni break (and my GF's summer break) so nobody worked. Her sister was on maternity leave and her brother-in-law worked at a school so they were on paid leave as well. I had some extra money to pay for a day trip to Helsinki and some sightseeing within Tallinn. I also paid for my GF to come with me to Paris for a couple of days, because my flight out of Europe was from Paris-CDG airport.

I would not recommend for your mother to come on the first visit. I feel that she could make things awkward for your SO's family and himself, plus it could be awkward to have you AND your mum staying in their house (without having met them first). Perhaps your mum could visit anyway and you could save some extra money to travel with her away from your SO's family?

PS: Your SO shouldn't have to pay for a visa to visit Australia because he is from an EU country. He can apply for the free electronic visa only for EU member states.

[Alle1770]

I'm in Sweden myself and my SO is in Argentina, so I know where you're coming from as well Our first meeting was a bit different than others maybe, he was travelling around Europe and we decided to meet for just 3 days to begin with (we realized though that this was way too short), and he came back for a month a couple of weeks later. It was in the middle of me being in school still, so I had assignments and classes and stuff which was very annoying for me because I felt horrible about having to just ditch him at home when he'd been travelling so far and spent a lot of money... But it worked out anyway, I managed to get him to follow me to school a couple of times (teachers thought it was a great idea to have a foreigner in so the rest of the people in my classes could get a look into another culture), some days I was able to get off earlier, and when I was actually off we'd go on little excursions together to places around where I live When I wasn't home he'd usually just sleep until lunchtime (he was on holidays from work after all!), or explore the area himself by taking buses and stuff to see the town when I was stuck in lectures.

We stayed at my house, which means another 4 people around (my parents, and my brother and sister), but thankfully my family is very respectful and we have a reasonable sized house, so that wasn't really a problem. It is certainly a big change to actually have your SO around, because it is completely different to talking in text or on video on Skype. You actually have your SO around, and suddenly they're a part of everything you do for a month or more. You realize the differences and similarities in your behaviour, and you get to see sides of each other that doesn't come out when you're talking online. Thankfully, nothing between my SO and I was any problem and everything just went awesomely, but I was nervous as hell to begin with

When I went to visit him we went on a lot of road trips and other trips just the two of us to get away a bit, because he lives with his brother, dad and his dad's girlfriend (who is a real pain in the ass), and I knew that he wanted to get away from it a bit himself as well and just relax. So I guess what you need to do depends on the situation, what's going on with your families and how well you all get along with each other in combination with people around you I agree with Tooki, something like a month could be a good idea because of the reasons he stated, you might not get along as well or there might be other factors that makes it a bit more difficult than imagined. A month is still plenty of time to be with each other, without it being too much

About your mum tagging along... I actually understand sort of exactly what you're talking about, because my mum was really keen on coming with me for my first visit to his house, because she's never been to South America and wanted to see what it was like. However nice the idea seemed (I wouldn't have to fly alone and get lost and never return!), I soon realized how awkward it would be. Me and my mum have a really great relationship and she's very supportive of me and my SO's relationship because she was in an LDR herself when she was younger, but her mum forbade it and she doesn't want to be the same and give me the same pain, but I knew that having her with me would make things a lot more awkward even if it wasn't our first visit and even if she knows him. I mean, when we met the very first time I didn't even want to have my friends around because it would be so awkward! Even now, when we've seen each other several times, we both hold back around our parents and we're not completely ourselves yet, which is why I think it would not be a good idea to bring your mum, however sweet the idea it. Maybe she can tag along next time when you've seen each other already, or as Tooki said for a week or two and maybe staying at a nearby hotel or something instead of with you and your SO?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it all works out for you guys! Bring a thick jacket and gloves if you come over, it's going to be cold

[Alle1770]

(Whoop, long post! Sorry, first one for a month, I was having withdrawral-symptoms xD)

[ThePiedPiper]

For me, it was California -> Ireland, which was only around a grand each time to go versus $1500. However, for the first visit, I stayed about a month. I agree with Tooki in the sense a month is a pretty decent amount of time, as it can allow for both possibilities (that you hit it off or don't). Being with the person in person is completely different to seeing them on webcam or speaking with them everyday. You learn things, yes, but you learn an entirely new set of things when with that person, and it's almost like meeting the same-but-a-new individual when you do, because virtual reality can never account for what it's like with that person in actuality. As for what my ex and I did, we stayed at his house with his mother and brother, and I saved for a night away in the city in a fancy hotel for one of the nights.

[kiara_silver]

My SO came over from Scotland to California our first meeting and he stayed a month and a half, or a little under 2 months. He had saved enough though to completely take care of himself, and had hotels arranged for him to stay. Our first visit my mom chaperoned at the airport, and then he wasn't allowed to stay the night at our house in the beginning. Although after 2 weeks me and him did take off lol :P We went all over cali just the two of us. But I think just being smart and prepared just in case. Have enough to be able to afford staying at a hotel the whole time, for emergency sake. But yay first visit! So exciting!