We love each other, but should he leave his girlfriend for an LDR with me?

[sam.martin]

I'll try to make a long story as short as possible. I met Alfred in the beginning of the school year, he was the foreign exchange student at my school and he lives in Italy. He had (has) a girlfriend, but he and I quickly became friends. At the time I was in a LDR myself, which ended horribly and completely destroyed me. Alfred was there for me and things between us quickly developed into something much more than friendship. We were very romantically involved and while we had agreed that our time must just be for fun, considering he has a girlfriend and was going to leave at the end of January. But we realized that we were in love and there was no going back.

He went home and I told him he has to try to love his girlfriend again. But he says he doesn't know if he can nor if he wants to. I love him and I will always be there for him as a best friend, but should I encourage him to leave his girlfriend to enter into a LDR with me? I have to consider how well that worked with him and his girlfriend now. He fell out of love with her in about 4 months. Will I have the same fate? I am a senior in high school and he is the same age, but there is one more year of high school in Italy. He is considering college in my state. That gives us about 15 months before we can close the gap, with two visits in between that time. I love him and I can see a future with him, but is it worth it for him too, when he already has someone who loves him with her whole heart?

We both feel sorry for her, because he doesn't love her anymore and he has to actively try to fall in love with her again. Should I just be the supportive best friend I have always been or continue to be a lover to him despite the distance?

[snow_girl]

I think he needs to break up with her if he doesn't love her and seems to not acknowledge her feelings when he cheats on her for months at a time.

[Moon]

Well, if he's willing to cheat on his current girlfriend while LD, what makes you think he won't cheat on you in the same situation?

[LittleBox]

I agree with both snow_girl and Moon. He doesn't have to fall in love with her again. He should man up and tell her so. He's leading her on after cheating on her with you which isn't fair. I honestly wouldn't trust a guy who cheated on his girlfriend with you. Like Moon said if he didn't have any shred of respect for her what makes you think he'll be faithful with you? I'm sorry but considering you knew he had a girlfriend I don't understand how your conscious would let you get romantically involved with him even if it was "just for fun".

[Malaga]

To be honest, I doubt you'll find much sympathy for your situation on this forum. He cheated on his LDR girlfriend and you participated in it. And then he didn't end it when he came back but he continues to play with her feelings, and yours too, while trying to make up his mind. You say he's actively tried to fall in love with her again. But if he honestly wanted to make it work with her, he would've cut down contact with you and certainly would have not fed your feelings for him. To me it sounds like he would like to have his cake and eat it too, sorry. Maybe he is in love with you but he can't let go the benefits of a CDR relationship. Sex and everything that goes with it. That's great if you can accept it, but his girlfriend should also know the truth. She doesn't deserve to be used for his selfishness.

Whether he'll cheat on you too, it's hard to tell. Sometimes people can make a good thing come out of a bad start. But his lack of respect for her doesn't bode well at all. He has no scruples about lying and keeping secrets like that.

[ThePiedPiper]

What bothers me most about this situation is that you "soon" became romantically involved after he was there for you during your break-up, which leads me to believe that he made moves on you while you were still vulnerable and hurting from your past relationship, and you, being vulnerable and hurting, decided to "have fun" with him regardless of his LD girlfriend. You two fell in love, which is understandable (but potentially a rebound, on your end, especially depending on how close you two got/how far you two went during that time), but now he's home and he claims to love you while not ending it with her. Maybe he's fallen out of love with her and maybe he hasn't. Maybe he's legitimately torn and is a coward for not breaking-up with her, or maybe he has feelings for both of you but the only way he can keep you around is to say he doesn't. Especially given that he needed sex/physical affection while LD with his girlfriend at home, perhaps he simply wants to keep her around because she's someone he can have sex and physical fun with and you're not. He cheated on her, so it's possible he could easily cheat on you too, especially since he has to be LD with you for 15 months as opposed to a "long" semester of not being able to be physically with someone. I shouldn't be so cruel; some people can't handle that, but Alfred should at least be ethical while he can't. Right now he's stringing two people along, has two girls wrapped around his finger, and does not seem intent on getting rid of either one. If he wanted to make it work with you that badly, if he was that "in love," he would have already ended it with her. *shrug* If he wanted to make it work with her, he would have ended it with you. To me, this sounds like he's having his cake and eating it too, but at this point, all I would do is stop the emotional (and what was once a physical) affair until he makes a decision. Talk to him, as I'm assuming you probably will, but do so as a friend. Don't cross boundaries. Don't cross lines, and let him figure out what he wants to do. All I can say is be careful, because if he can easily coerce someone into cheating with one girlfriend, he could very easily do it with you too.

[loneliestgirl]

things between us quickly developed into something much more than friendship. We were very romantically involved and while we had agreed that our time must just be for fun, considering he has a girlfriend and was going to leave at the end of January. But we realized that we were in love and there was no going back.

He went home and I told him he has to try to love his girlfriend again. But he says he doesn't know if he can nor if he wants to. I love him and I will always be there for him as a best friend, but should I encourage him to leave his girlfriend to enter into a LDR with me? I have to consider how well that worked with him and his girlfriend now. He fell out of love with her in about 4 months. Will I have the same fate? I am a senior in high school and he is the same age, but there is one more year of high school in Italy. He is considering college in my state. That gives us about 15 months before we can close the gap, with two visits in between that time. I love him and I can see a future with him, but is it worth it for him too, when he already has someone who loves him with her whole heart?

We both feel sorry for her, because he doesn't love her anymore and he has to actively try to fall in love with her again. Should I just be the supportive best friend I have always been or continue to be a lover to him despite the distance?

I don't think the real question you should be answering is what you should do that is best for him. He hasn't done a thing that would indicate he is thinking about your or his girlfriend's feelings. I think you need to do what is best for you regardless of what Alfred does or doesn't do with his girlfriend. Is it in your best interest to continue to the be the other woman? Do you want a relationship with someone you had to convince to leave his current girlfriend in order to be with you? And would you feel secure that all it would take for him to enter into another relationship and break off with you is a women who gives a convincing argument? Is he the out of site out of mind type?

My suggestion would be to allow him space to figure out what he is going to do with his life and what he wants. Do not try to convince him either way. Simply tell him that until he figures things out that you are not interested in entertaining the thought of a relationship with him. Make you college plans based on the school you want to go to not where he could go or be willing to go. If you want to go away to school, then do that. If you want to stay local because that was your plan and best for you educationally and financially, then do that. Do not base your college decision on what is romantically the best for you especially with a person who has proven how unreliable/immature he can be with his current relationship. The last thing you want to do is place yourself in a position that if the relationship doesn't work out, then you are stuck with a major commitment to a school that you wouldn't be at if it wasn't for him going there too.

[digitalfever]

Why would you want to be in a relationship with this person? He's shady and disrespectful.

[Tanja]

I agree with Piper. It sounds like Alfred moved in on you when you were still emotionally vulnerable and needed someone and he was there. I'm not saying that he doesn't care for you but that if you gave it some time and really thought about it you might realise that this might not be a great time to jump into another relationship. I know it feels great to get attention and closeness from someone after a break up but often it's just a heat of the moment and will pass quickly. It's called a rebound and it's just a quick fix to help heal your wounds.

Also, I know you have feelings for him and you want to believe him, but how do you know he won't just return to his country and keep on living like he did before and forget you ever existed?

I do believe that people can create something good out of a bad situation and him cheating on his gf doesn't automatically mean he would cheat on you too. But if I were you I would think long and hard whether or not this guy is worth putting your heart on the line and investing your time and effort. If he doesn't respect his long term gf enough to stay faithful for a few months why would he respect you?

Of course there's a chance that we're all wrong and this turns out to be a great lovestory that will last for decades. But because that hardly ever happens in real life I hope you can understand our point of view and the fact that some of us speak out of personal. experience.

[sam.martin]

I hope I can address some of the things you have said, because all of it is good advice, but I would like to clear things up. Alfred is not a bad guy, he is not disrespectful and he feels truly truly sorry for what he has done with his own girlfriend, and he just doesn't want to hurt her, but he and I both know the damage has already been done... he is just prolonging the inevitable at this point. We were (and still are) best friends before anything happened between us, and I admit I was in it at first for the physical closeness especially after exiting another LDR myself. We were best friends who were attracted to each other and could provide that. But, as things tend to do, it developed into so much more. That being said, I have immense respect for him as a person and as a friend, he never felt in his heart like he was cheating on her because his feelings had already waned but he didn't want to leave her considering that she had already waited that long for him.

Now, as to whether or not he would cheat on me? I'd have to say he wouldn't just because I know he would tell me if his romantic feelings for me have faded enough and we can allow ourselves just to be friends again. We were friends in the beginning and we will come out friends in the end. His situation with her is different than it is with me. I trust in his honesty and I assure you I am not easily blinded by love.

I also agree that he needs to make a decision, which I will stand by in any case. I want him to be happy, and even just being his friend will make me happy. He is not the out of sight out of mind type. He is very emotional and he is not a player at all. He is shy and genuine. I can see how hurting her is tearing him apart and I also know that he loves me. My college plans are already solidified (I'm going to an in-state college next year) so if anyone were to uproot their life it would be him. And the fact that he's willing to do that for me is what I believe to be a true testament to his love.

We tried the distance thing, but that lasted about 1 day...it was too hard I think the decision is already made in his heart (well he told me it is) but he really feels scared to hurt her even more than he has already by falling out of love with her. I guess the question is really more about me anyways. I could tell him to leave her, and he would do it. I love him but so far LDRs have only caused me pain. For now though, even at a distance, he makes me happier than anyone else ever has.

[ThePiedPiper]

I guess I'm wondering why it's different. Why would he tell you his feelings for you had faded if he can't tell his long-term girlfriend? And I don't even mean in the sense of disrespect. Even if it's that he's so afraid of hurting his girlfriend, he can't leave her despite the fact his feelings have waned for her (and this does not make cheating on her okay), why would that be any different with you, especially if you two are as close as you seem to think?

I mean I think you can understand why we feel this way, as it sounds like every other situation where someone is cheating and promises are made to the other woman or he has her completely romanced. Your argument is the same as it is for most of the "other women" that defend their flame and what's going on/happening with the current situation. True enough, every situation is unique, but it sounds similar enough to anyone else who's cheated on their SO that some of us have concerns and doubts, no matter how unlikely you are to be blinded by love; that's something that can happen to a lot of us, especially if it's a new depth of feeling. That said, I simply feel like it might help to clear things up if you can explain why your love is different and why it would be any easier for him to hurt you than it would be for him to hurt her. That's where I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around this, because I couldn't trust someone to be honest with me when they can't even be honest with their girlfriend and would rather carry on an affair than be honest with her.

[Kristin91]

I just want to warn you that if a guy is willing to cheat on his girlfriend with you, how do you know he won't cheat on you with another girl?

[sam.martin]

It's different in the fact that we stared out as friends, whereas they started out romatically before being friends for a while. If things ended with us they would end amicably and he wouldn't feel bad for telling me, nor would I h old a grudge against him. I realize that things often just don't work out the way you want them too. With her, it would (and probably will) not be pretty. Plus we are different people. Different peopl = different relationship.

[sam.martin]

So I think I've decided what I'm going to do, and you can tell me whether or not you think it's a good idea. Tomorrow when we skype I will tell him he needs to make a decision. That I will not continue to have the same relationship I do with him right now if he continues in his relationship with his gf. I will tell him that i will give him some time to decide, but that it needs to be done. We have already talked (quite in depth) about what continuing our relationship would mean for him in the long term so he knows the costs. His choice is between a comfortable life that he has known, or risking it all for me. As you can see, he has a lot more at stake than I do. I will also bring up the whole cheating issue, but like I've said... it's different and honestly I'm not worried, I'm sorry that you guys probably can't understand that, if I was in your shoes I would probably be asking myself the same thing. But anyways, I will set those boundaries tomorrow. If he chooses me, I think that can only be seen as a testament to the genuineness of his love for me and our love for each other.

[ThePiedPiper]

I definitely agree, but being friends doesn't necessarily mean an amicable break-up. I broke up with my ex, with whom I'd been friends for 2 and 1/2 years before we finally began dating. I was very gentle in breaking up with him, but I did tell him I needed space and time to heal in order to reach a point where we could become friends again. One of the first things out of his mouth was that I was a bitch and he hated me. There proceeded to be three months of his flip-flopping, mood-wise, and no contact from my end but with constant e-mails, phone calls, text messages etc. from his. This is from someone with whom we had talked about if we ever broke up, we would want it to be amicable so that we could remain friends, and if one of us needed time/space to heal, the other would respect that entirely. I followed through with my end of the bargain. He was too hurt to do so. Being friends before entering a relationship is different, but it doesn't guarantee that things would end amicably and you'd be able to go back to being friends again like you were before you got romantically involved. It is possible that you would deal with it maturely and he would not, and it's possible that it would hurt too much to stick to being friends as you say you would now. A lot changes when people break-up and it'll change whether you want it to or not. Sometimes the changes are miniscule, an argument and then the amicability, and sometimes the changes are a lot more obvious and the complete opposite of what you expected would happen. However, it always, always changes, because by that point, there's a lot more feelings involved than even what feelings are involved now. Just because you are a different person than his girlfriend does not mean he is a different person with you than her.

Whether or not things will end pretty, what he's doing to her is wrong. Stringing someone along, cheating on them, etc. no matter your reasons for it is wrong. Breaking hearts is hard. Breaking up with my ex was the hardest thing I ever did, but it wouldn't be fair to have him on if I had someone else and it wouldn't be fair to string him along because I didn't want to hurt him. In not hurting him and avoiding the consequences, all I would be doing is protecting myself, which is what Alfred is doing, and if you two have discussed it to this point, he needs to grow up and learn how to break-up with someone, because it will inevitably happen in life. I feel like you are defending his actions, when what he is doing to her is wrong, no matter which way you paint it. It could easily happen to you, too, but we never want to believe that could be us. I am a bit jaded, I'll admit, but I am entirely different from my ex's ex-girlfriend. I never cheated on him, never strung him along, never played head games, etc. and I didn't do the off and on thing like she did. And yet his behaviour, the same behaviour he showed towards her when we were friends, ultimately surfaced in our relationship, too. It ultimately became a part of our relationship because he played a role in what was going on with his ex, same as Alfred plays a role in this situation with his current girlfriend. Assuming he learns from the situation, it may never become a part of the relationship he has with you, but if he's already struggling with the distance in a day, then my assumption is that he has yet to learn from his situation and is going to ultimately treat you in similar ways, whether or not you think your friendship saves you from that.

Just speaking from my experience and from what I've seen, both around these forums and with friends. Best of luck.