Just friends but closing the distance? Help!

[ShazzamSam]

I met him in 2011 and we've been talking ever since then. We began dating last summer but it burned to the ground in October when things got rough and he couldn't handle it anymore. Instead of not talking every again, he wanted to be JUST friends. I agreed (ok, i did fight along the way, I fell for this guy so very hard and vice versa) but I knew I had taken a major part in the relationship ending and just went along with it. When we were together, we planned on closing the distance this year around summertime because I wasn't in college and had money for us to go places so we wouldn't be totally bored and to save him money, he was going to stay at my house (honestly can't believe my parents allowed it but hey thats awesome) but then we broke up, of course and whenever I asked him, he'd say 'No, it just can't happen.' or 'I don't think thats such a good idea'. Well, in January I knew somehow it wouldn't hurt to ask again, what would I lose? And since my birthday is in April (close to summer) I mentioned it would be a wonderful birthday gift for him to come here still. He agreed. We have a very odd friendship. We at first, agreed as friends, to talk only when we had something really interesting to say, if not, we'd just stop talking and reply when something came up. Of course, after an entire year of talking everyday we just couldn't do it. He still has strong feelings for me, just like I do for him and sometimes he does give me those weird signs of wanting to be with me still but he says 'it just won't work' and I do agree. He used to go out a lot and have one night stands (he has never had a girlfriend or been in love before other than with me) and refuses to go out here again (which is good) and I can't even begin to think about starting a relationship with anyone. We don't like talking about finding other people and he doesn't like it if I just make this a strictly friends relationship. It's almost like we are together but not really. We don't go all mushy on each other, do photos or anything, though we still Skype twice a month like always. But sometimes, he does shy away from flirting or affection, like I am the plague and I've told him so.

Now, here is where I need help on. I'm so so worried about him coming here. It bugs me all the time. He won't really answer when I ask and I know he just doesn't want to get our hopes up. What I am worried about is if he comes here, what if the feelings are strong like they are when we are apart? What if its the best thing for us to be together? And all that. After all those intense feelings being revealed, he will have to go back home and then what? He will continue to be friends with me? Or what? I think thinking about who is moving where is too soon and I am not up for rushing but I honestly have no idea. The idea has crossed my mind where there would be a slight chance of us not having those feelings when we finally meet and it'll just be strictly friendly. Am I the only one worrying about this?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

This is pretty similar to my story to be honest.

We were friends for years, and there was always something between us. We decided to stay friends, but we both felt something, and after we both knew that we both felt something, neither of us seriously dated anyone else. We did date, go out, see other people, but in terms of emotionally... it was only each other really.

It was my Dad that made it clear to me really. He told me "In five years time, you guys won't still be online friends". What he meant was, we were getting to stages in our lives where it would be increasingly impossible to carry on such an intimate, close relationship and try to live our lives. We'd either meet and find out, or we'd have to let it go.

And he was right. Will you two still be online buddies in five years time? How long are you prepared to be online friends? Is this relationship stopping you from finding potential close distance partners?

I decided that I had to find out. Because we were 'just friends' I didn't want to put the pressure on us to go from friends to couple in the space of a plane ride, so I decided to do it on my terms. So I went to his country. I saved some money and did some travelling, so that it wouldn't be just about him. I saved enough money so that I could travel, see him, and then travel again if it didn't work out.

I think you're at the point that I was. You have to let go, or find out. And if you can't broach the subject of him coming to you, go to where he is. See some stuff, maybe see him, see how things go. Have the adventure.

In terms of "where does it go after?".... it's tricky. But it's a toss up between always wondering if it could've been perfect and knowing either way for sure. Which are you happier doing? Sitting wondering forever, or having to learn whether you're capable (as a couple) in an LDR?

[ShazzamSam]

Did you meet him? Was everything great or was it something you kind of regret?

You are right about everything but it just seems like I am the only one reaching for it. I've stopped but it is increasingly painful to just pretend. And the questions, I've always asked myself that after we got really close. This is the first guy to ever actually stay with me after so long, after all our small and big fights. It's an amazing thing but honestly it still doesn't get me closer to finding out the truth.

As for me going there? Oh Gosh, I wish I won the lottery. It is very very VERY expensive for me to catch a flight to Perth. Almost $4,000. I would sell everything I owned just to get a chance to see how things were. But if he doesn't come here, I will very well save up and go there. I always wanted to see Perth since I was a little girl so it could be an adventure in many ways.

Your reply honestly made me sad inside, I hope things work out for you and I hope my own little 'just friends' issue will resolve itself. I suppose if I had to let go, it would because I was given up on for good. I am a hard person to handle in relationships and I tend to screw them up royally but he seems to stick in for the long ride.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Hey, I'm going to write my response in a PM so I can tell you more about my experience.