New to this LFAD & it's getting to me :-(

[SaffronS]

I let the emotional side get the better of me & sent a txt to my LDSO saying "Where is the man I met? Was it all a facade? Am I seeing the real you? I'm hurt, lost & confused" this didn't go down well & he took it as an accusation :-( but we if we had spoken on the phone he would of heard the emotion in my voice. It's the not speaking often, due to the time difference, long working hours (him) that is killing me because I know each time when we do speak it brings back that feeling (him) & it's all good again. Texting is so annoying & can be misread. I need him to understand that talking is important as that is the way to re-connect until we see each other again (I've seen him twice in June, the night we met & the next day when he took me on a date & in Sept when he took me to San Diego, we were together for 4 days). Any advice please will be greatly appreciated. He's a typical American man, gentleman, provider but not big on expressing emotion etc.,

[dragonlady]

try to get a skype moment with him and talk about it then.
if you go to bed early you can talk with him around 23:00 his time by getting up early
or wait up until he gets home

[ThePiedPiper]

He's a typical American man, gentleman, provider but not big on expressing emotion etc.,

That's not the "typical American man." Simply had to point that out because it aggravates me when people assume that to be true, granted it depends on the generation. We are fortunately moving more and more away from that. However, I will say that a lot of men who don't show emotion to others show emotion to their intimate partners. It can actually be an incredible source of tension when they don't.

Why did you ask him where the man you met is? Or ask if it was "all a facade"? The time difference is huge but not impossible but working long hours can make things difficult and both partners need to talk about how it effects the relationship and what it means in terms of what each partner needs and is willing to give. It sounds like he's simply having a hard time balancing his personal life with his work life which is a common issue and asking him the questions you did can come off as accusatory and rather theatrical, which might explain his reaction.

I would set up a Skype date and explain that you like to connect by hearing his voice/seeing his face and would like to make more time for phone calls/Skype and see what he can and is willing to offer you. I can understand that if you've never been in a position where you are working long hours, you might not be able to see where he's coming from, but having had several 12 hour days between work and school, I can say that it can take time to learn how to balance relationship and work and both partners need to be flexible and willing to talk about it.

[Moon]

Heh, there is no "typical American man", many of them are as emotional as a 12 year old girl.

Text is no way to carry on a relationship though, if you want it to work, you'll both have to sacrifice a bit of sleep and some of your free time and actually talk to each other. It's not always easy, but it's definitely doable, and sometimes it takes a long time to figure out and establish a pattern that works for you both. Work will always get in the way, you need to be prepared for that and be flexible, but adamant that when it does, you reschedule your next talk time. Next time you do speak, tell him you want to start scheduling time and for him to give you some suggestions on times that are generally good for him, and start from there. Don't let him get away with avoiding giving you some ideas. Good luck.

[SaffronS]

Thank you all for your advice, much appreciated. I've mentioned this to him in the last few months & said that texting is not a viable source for main communication & I feel like he's not listening to my request/need & it's frustrating!!! I don't want to sound like a nag as he's going through such stressful time at work & thinking of saving this talk until I see him in person, fingers crossed in March (he has not committed to the dates I've told him yet because he said in case his schedule changes he doesn't want to disappoint or hurt me in case the dates have to change. I've said to him he's got to make time & commit! I feel like its an excuse when I know it's not). I need to get across my need of a Skype date & how important it is without sounding like a complete nag & turn off!

[Lovebee]

I have a similar problem with my SO working most of the day, and his only free time is in the evenings, when I am usually asleep.

My solution was to set an alarm for 4.30am, so that it's 8.30 where he is and he's done for the day. We have a Skype call, not for too long, but it's enough to keep us ticking over and put some insecurities to rest. I usually message him when I go to bed to say I'm setting an alarm, and asking if he thinks he'll have time for a call. The first time I did it, he thought it was awesome that I'd gone to all that effort just to have a few words with him.

Also, this way it's less of a "I need to speak to you, so you need to make time" and more of a gesture of the lengths you will go to for him (and to get what you want!!).

[SaffronS]

Hi Lovebee, thank you for your response. I think I will try your method! Since Sept we have spoken 6 times but do txt. I've have mentioned it a few times that we need to talk at least once a week but I feel he's not really listening/reading me properly. He's so busy at work etc., stressed & with the time difference it all adds up. Thing is, like most men, he's not a great communicator & he acknowledges that but nonetheless it's frustrating when all I want to do is talk about any ole crap lol! I need to stress that this all new to me, that talking once a week is like us going on a date & spending time etc., this is not my conventional start up to a relationship as he lives half way across the world so I'm having teething problems! He might be used to this from previous relationships but I'm not & I need to get my point across with sounding like an insecure, needy chick........help lol :-)

[redapple]

Have I misunderstood or have you only spoken 6 times in 5 months?!

[SaffronS]

Yep, hmmmm hold on let me think, no actually 8 times! We txt regularly but that is not a substitute for conversation. You see him & his ex finance used to talk once a week for only 15mins & they lived in the same country!!!!! As you can see I don't and then there's the 8hr time difference, the working long hours ( he's a partner & director in his company ), the family, he's the head of the family as his Dad passed away 2yrs ago. Me not physically being really plays a part & the fact we havent seen each other since Sept 11 doesnt help :-( I am meant to be going to the US on the 20th March but this hasnt been cemented as hes got a legal case against the company & doesnt want to say & hurt/disappoint me incase the dates change. Boy oh boy its frustrating :-( :-/ 😥

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

Texting can be misunderstood and was the cause for some silly disagreements to my bf and I when we were first getting to know eachother (that combined with getting to know/understand eachothers sense of humour - he's American and I'm from Aus). In this day and age there's plenty of ways to communicate other than texting from skype, facetime or even phone calls.

Please don't take this sounding "negative" but does it not concern you that you have not spoken very much? That's not meant to sound judgemental and different things work for different people but actually talking tends to be an easier way to communicate than text messaging as it allows people to hear the tone in eachothers voice etc Maybe ask if you can start communicating more often on the phone? (That's if you want that is) as it may help improve your communication and help settle any concerns you both may have