I feel hopeless..

I'm 18 years old and I live in California, my ex-girlfriend lives in Spain and we've had a very up and down relationship for the two and a half years. We met in the Summer of 2010 in San Diego and spent the whole summer together but we haven't seen each other since. Recently though about 5 months ago I finally bought plane tickets and a apartment to see her this summer. Two months ago we started having some trouble and we got into a few fights finally leading into our breakup. We were friends for a couple weeks but I guess I just felt so depressed and so lost without her that I was constantly bringing up that we could work this out and I guess she got sick and tired with me that she wanted to say goodbye and never be my friend again she ignored me off of every possible way of communicating with her. She told me to cancel my tickets...which I eventually did. Shes done stuff like this in the past like not wanting to be friends and completely ignoring me.

I'm just having such a hard time coping with the fact that we wont see each other, I'm becoming very unproductive, and all I can do is think about her. I go from not sending her anything on some days and then other days just going into a complete depression with sending her messages of how much I miss her.

She really means the world to me and I dont know why we went back to this, I've sent her flowers and small gifts and letters but nothing will make her budge. I feel like shes really over me I just don't don't know what to do anymore.

If anyone could help me I would greatly appreciate, thank you everyone who does.

[snow_girl]

Stop sending her gifts, emotional messages etc. Accept the fact it is over and move on. Hang out with friends, read a book, get your mind off her.

[redapple]

I know it's tough but it really does sound over. You need to start healing and moving on. Let go of any ideas of being friends and make a clean break of it.

[Deleted]

The thing is though things like this have happen before, what happens if she comes back? what happens if maybe its just a phase....idk its too hard to forget her...

[Malaga]

The thing is though things like this have happen before, what happens if she comes back? what happens if maybe its just a phase....idk its too hard to forget her...

You mean it's happened before in this relationship, or like in general?

There's nothing really you can do anymore. It's really like playing tennis. Unless she decides to return the ball and keep playing, there's nothing you can do. You can't play on your own.

I'm sorry you're brokenhearted and I see you've been together for awhile so it's not like a new crush. But you can't persuade her to have feelings for you. Turn to yourself, try to heal your heart. Maybe she comes back after awhile or maybe she doesn't. But putting pressure on her with your romantic gestures will only drive her further away. Forget what you saw in romantic movies, it really isn't like that in real life.

Good luck xx

[Deleted]

Its happened before, Idk shes said things like I have feelings for you I just hate you so much or well she hates me more than she has feelings for me. So I feel like the feelings are still there, I just idk. Thanks a lot for the comment its great to meet people who care.

[Oldblighty]

Even though it's happened before, do you really want to waste your time waiting to find out? I know you love her & it's hurting right now, but it's not fair on you to be waiting around for something that might never happen. I truly believe that when one door closes another door opens and brings new opportunities your way. Try your best to keep yourself busy my dear. I know it's hard but stop sending her gifts, messages etc, it's only making it harder on you....

Stay strong and we are all here for you

[Deleted]

Thank you for the very thoughtful and nice message Oldblighty it was very sweet :-). Yea your right it isn't fair, but I believe I could of easily have caused our relationship to take this dive, maybe the reason shes angry at me is because of how I treated her. I've had a friend read our conversations and he said that he definitely saw that I was too pushy and constantly asking her of things which I totally agree with now I just, when we were going out I felt like she wasn't doing enough for me so I started asking her to do more and more things and I felt like she started to push me farther and farther away from her. The thing is I dont think the love has died and I dont think she will ever loose all of her love for me just like she wouldn't do the same. I feel like shes very emotional right now like she has built up all of this anger and shes not thinking right because if she really didn't care about being with me if she was really done with me, why would she ignore me? why wouldn't we just be friends...idk thats just my take on it.

[Jazi]

Thank you for the very thoughtful and nice message Oldblighty it was very sweet :-). Yea your right it isn't fair, but I believe I could of easily have caused our relationship to take this dive, maybe the reason shes angry at me is because of how I treated her. I've had a friend read our conversations and he said that he definitely saw that I was too pushy and constantly asking her of things which I totally agree with now I just, when we were going out I felt like she wasn't doing enough for me so I started asking her to do more and more things and I felt like she started to push me farther and farther away from her. The thing is I dont think the love has died and I dont think she will ever loose all of her love for me just like she wouldn't do the same. I feel like shes very emotional right now like she has built up all of this anger and shes not thinking right because if she really didn't care about being with me if she was really done with me, why would she ignore me? why wouldn't we just be friends...idk thats just my take on it.

Well your friend is right, you're STILL being pushy with your attitude towards the past relationship/the fact that she doesn't want to talk to you.. The fact that she doesn't want to be friends doesn't at all mean that she wants to be with you. I never remain friends with an ex, doesn't mean I'm still into them because I can't 'handle' being friends...


You need to let it go, leave the poor girl alone and let her heal, it sounds like your relationship would have a lot of baggage attached to it even if it did somehow work out with you two back together, you would have to put a load of effort into working on those issues - and frankly, it sounds like the relationship/issues got too much for her and she doesn't want to fix it, sometimes a person just has too much baggage in a relationship that they just can't move past it and need to move on.

It also sounds like you and her want different things from a relationship which pushed her away, you said you kept pushing her to give you more.. well, you shouldn't settle for less, and she shouldn't have to give more than she is willing to, it sounds like you two need to find a partner that shares the same values in a relationship.

I know this is all very blunt.. but you really need to get that I think, you're kind of beating a dead horse here (that's a saying) and find some happiness away from her, stop obsessing and trying to 'win' her back, she is probably feeling harassed.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the comment Jazi, I just strongly believe that I treated her wrongly and I know my mistakes and I do really want to be with her, and I know how to respect her now I wouldn't be trying so hard for her if I knew we were that different...

[Alsfia]

Even if you think you can change and that it was your fault things ended it doesn't have to be, and you will never feel better if you don't let go. Maybe she just felt you were growing apart and that it was time to move on. Even if it hurts and sucks right now you'll only torment yourself if you keep trying to find a way to win her back, and it will hurt her as well. You say you respect her, then you have to respect her decision as well and leave her alone.

[Karlijn92]

I'm sorry to hear your relationship ended up like this ): I think it's better to leave her alone for now. Of course it's very emotional for the both of you and it sucks, but try to get over her by focusing on other things.
I know it's hard, but give her some space and respect her decision. Maybe someday she wants to try and be friends with you again.
Good luck and we're here to help you!!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Firstly, I'm sorry that you're going through a tough break up. It really really sucks.

But, I agree with Jazi, you're still being pushy. If you want to show her you've changed, you need to let go, not contact her, and let her have the time and space to heal. I'm not advocating you wait for her either. You need the time and space away from her to heal and move on. Things with her are still going around your head because they're so recent and raw, not necessarily because it's 'meant to be'.

The problem is, you said you've had an on-off relationship, right? The problem with breaking up and making up and breaking up and making up again and again is that YOUR expectation now is that a break up will lead to a make up. You're not taking her decision seriously now because you think this is like all the other times. It's not. You can't treat it like it is.

And I'm not saying it will happen - I think it's not sounding likely - but if you two get back together and break up again, you should remember to ALWAYS treat your break ups like it's a final decision. By chasing around after her and sending her messages and trying to push the relationship back on her, you're doing more damage than good. And at a later date, when you're a bit healed over, you'll probably regret a lot of those messages.

Do what you have to do to stop yourself contacting her. Delete her number, email address, facebook, whatever. Try and make it impossible for you to contact her so that when you do have those urges, the time it'll take for you to find a way to contact her will give you time to re-think what talking to her will actually do for you.

[Deleted]

Once again it really means a lot to me that you guys care and give me helpful advice. As much as I'm going to try and move on with the help of friends, my therapist and this website, I still do love her and I will give her her space but I really feel like the only thing that keeps me happy is simply being with her. I'm currently going to get on some anti-depressants and just started getting help from my therapy. I have deleted her from everything I dont know how to delete her email because gmail simply saves it but I will give her her space hoping that someday she will forgive me...and hopefully come back but idk we will see how things go...

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time but from your last posts it sounds like you are taking the right steps. If it's meant to be it will happen but in the mean time take some time out to focus on you. It is hard losing someone you love but it will get easier, just give it time