Need advice FAST!!!!

[SilverSunGril]

I am new here. Just trying to search for answers among other people going through similar things. I have been in a LD relationship with my bf for just under a year. Things have been great. I love him dearly and we have been inseparable since day 1. It's great, he has taught me a lot about myself. Although over the weekend he drops the bomb saying he can't be online early mornings and nights no more. I kinda of got upset. This is my fave time (just before bed and when I wake) I took it hte wrong way and blew up. Almost ending it I told him I wanted to think about this. Change ugh I hate change!!! But I love him and want it to work. Well we didnt talk sunday, this all happened on saturday. I noticed he had read my fb message prior, but didnt respond which was unlike him. Finally I get on today and he says that he is deleting his fb and ending it. I was scared, hurt and so confused. said it wasnt my fault. it was him, all him. after pleading that I needed to know what was going on. I demanded answers. We talked about it and he admited he felt as if he were choking. Almost suffocating bc I was demanding so much time. I know that now. He wants to cut our time down to 1-2 hours a day from 5 or 6. I am just shocked, hurt and idk what else to think he would try and leave w/out telling me. He says he still is in love with me. But needed to do something. Please help!!!!

[Moon]

5 or 6 hours a day, when you're an adult, can't be maintained forever. Work and other responsibilities need to be attended to, 5 or 6 hours a day indefinitely is unrealistic when you have other things you need to do. Change can be hard, sure, but he's telling you he needs some of his day back, so if you want to stay with him, you'll need to give him that. You'll find that most of us in LDR's that are international, with time differences can only reasonably manage an hour or two a day, if we can fit that much in. It sucks, but as your relationship leaves that crazy, beginning stages of "ZOMG LOVE!!!!!!! I CAN'T LIVE ANOTHER SECOND WITHOUT HIM!!!!!" and moves into the more serious, comfortable zone, you've gotta move back to letting the rest of the world in, too. You'll get used to it.

Take what he said seriously, he's telling you what he needs. It's your decision, of course, but you could look at it as a good change in your relationship, knowing that it's getting more normal. If you really can't live with an hour or two a day, you might need to rethink being in this situation. Good luck.

[dragonlady]

what moon say, you got to give him some space.
don't get me wrong i am thank full for every second i get with him, but i do understand that he has a life over there too!

some weeks ago a friend called him for some help and he sadd he was on skype with me (the mic was on i could hear everything) and i sad go!! he would do it in normal life too!
love also means you have to let go sometimes, many girls would give a right arm for the info he is giving you take it!!!
like the other info given on the forum live! get a hobby go out and stuff!

good luck!

[Tooki]

I agree with Moon. 6 hours a day is a lot and I know that I would need to give up a lot to do that. Your SO has been very open with you, I have to commend him on that.

[kittyo9]

Well, like, really, let's be realistic.

Say you're CD and you both are working adults. Say you both spend 10-11 hours away from home due to commuting/errands/work. If you sleep 8 hours a day, you have 5-6 hours left to spend at home. An hour of that time you will spend bathing/in the bathroom... another hour you will spend cooking and eating (which you might do together) and doing chores. If you are lucky, your SO has a similar schedule and you get to spend like 3-4 hours with them every day. If not, you may be reduced to 1-2 hours. It's just life.

Your SO has been kind enough to elucidate the situation very clearly to you. Your SO also lives in another time zone and cannot make the same changes to his schedule to accommodate you that you might make to yours. If you want this to work without giving up much of the time, I think you could compromise with him and get something like 3-4 hours if you are willing to make some changes yourself... but part of that includes giving him back some of his day.

[lyonsgirl]

Well, like, really, let's be realistic.

Say you're CD and you both are working adults. Say you both spend 10-11 hours away from home due to commuting/errands/work. If you sleep 8 hours a day, you have 5-6 hours left to spend at home. An hour of that time you will spend bathing/in the bathroom... another hour you will spend cooking and eating (which you might do together) and doing chores. If you are lucky, your SO has a similar schedule and you get to spend like 3-4 hours with them every day. If not, you may be reduced to 1-2 hours. It's just life.

Your SO has been kind enough to elucidate the situation very clearly to you. Your SO also lives in another time zone and cannot make the same changes to his schedule to accommodate you that you might make to yours. If you want this to work without giving up much of the time, I think you could compromise with him and get something like 3-4 hours if you are willing to make some changes yourself... but part of that includes giving him back some of his day.

All of this.

[dem&ter]

Hm, I guess not everything has to deal about you both sitting in front of your computer. You can download Skype app for Iphone or android, or anything that you both can use in mobile though. So, you don't always have to wait till you finally get back to home just for talking to each other. And yep, try to stop asking more, give him some space, just tell him you're sorry and you're just worried about the changes and it's hard for not always being with him and you miss him so much. And then stop. Haha, I know it's hard to do, but he probably needs adaptation too for his new schedule, and instead of nagging him, just support him to get through. He would know you trust him enough. Good luck

[SilverSunGril]

Thank you all for taking time to read, and reply. I do understand that it is important for him to have 'his time" That being, outside of work and outside of his time w/me. I am very fortunate to of had this much time with him, this long. I kinda felt panicky. After thinking it over, myself, along with discussing it with him I am in full belief that this will not only benefit both our healthy lifestyles, but send us into the next stage, feeling more comfortable, and at ease being away, and still know we are loved and trusted. It will also bring a little life back to the conversations, and allow us to miss each other. Not saying we don't as of, but will bring back some mystery and wonder. Which I feel is highly important in maintaining a healthy, passionate relationship. I love this man, more and more everyday. I look forward to what new, exciting things and adventures this new level of trust is bringing. He has been with me, going strong since day one. I give him a lot of credit and respect for maintaining thus so far and look forward to our future, together!

Silver <3

[MattDavies86]

It depends on the person, many people are saying 5-6 hours is near impossibly to maintain, but my so and I manage it, not in one big stint but throughout the day, couple hours morning, lunch time, night. I still see my friends, I still work and work overtime (6 days a week mind you) still sorting my best mates stag do and helping him with the wedding.

Either way though, if he wants some more space give it to him, don't be hurt, it'll work out

[LilyChiba]

I guess I've been pretty lucky over the last few years that whilst looking for work, I've been able to talk all day. And now I do have work, and its enough to save up what I want but still doesn't cut into our time, yeah.. That said, we're not always talking. It happens. The only time I honestly get annoyed is when he goes quiet for like an hour because he's talking to so many other people online. But even when I was limited, I kept a cool head. If he wants his time, he needs it. Simple. It's all about compromise and making sure both parties are happy. That said though, if he's online rping/chatting to a bunch of people when I visit soon for 2 months all the time, whip time LMAO. But seriously, I didn't/won't be making the trip just to be sided for the computer. I think its much different in person. Good luck though.

[Moon]

It depends on the person, many people are saying 5-6 hours is near impossibly to maintain, but my so and I manage it, not in one big stint but throughout the day, couple hours morning, lunch time, night. I still see my friends, I still work and work overtime (6 days a week mind you) still sorting my best mates stag do and helping him with the wedding.

Either way though, if he wants some more space give it to him, don't be hurt, it'll work out

You're maintaining it because you haven't been together very long, you're still in the beginning stage. You'll find that doing it long term, as in multiple years, is not as realistic as it is to you now.

[Tanja]

I would die of boredom and back pain from sitting in front of my PC for 5-6 hours daily. And I would get sick of his face and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.

Space is good. Having time for just you is good. Being apart doesn't mean you're breaking up or there's any less love or trust.

You'll soon realize that talking for less amount of time makes you appreciate the time spent together more and you'll have a lot more topics to discuss. Plus it's nice to miss the other person every once in a while.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be joined from the hip. When it comes to hours of talking while in LDR I believe its quality over quantity.

[Tooki]

You're maintaining it because you haven't been together very long, you're still in the beginning stage. You'll find that doing it long term, as in multiple years, is not as realistic as it is to you now.

It's also difficult when your schedules don't line up. Sometimes you don't even have 5 or 6 hours in total where you are both free and available to talk.

As Tanja said, you two may get to a point where 3 hours of great discussion is better than 6 hours of sitting, doing nothing.

[Zantanada]

I'm back and forth on this one. I could sit on Skype for hours with my SO, but I know she likes having time to herself. We usually only call too, since video uses her bandwidth up really quickly and it helps it feel more relaxed too. But we're also in the same time zone so we don't share your predicament in that realm. Just because he needs time to himself doesn't mean he loves you any less, it just means he needs to relax.