having troubles...could use your thoughts

[summerkid]

Last week has been a total mess, with us fighting and hurting eachother and not being able to do much of anything else. I have been particularly moody for some reason, and I usually have a hard time communicating and talking to other people about what is wrong with me...but this becomes especially difficult if I am in a relationship.
And the things is...I am somewhat ashamed to admit is.. I am not even sure what is bothering me so much. But i keep expecting him to figure it out somehow I think ( which is ridiculous, I am aware and I am trying to stop myself). My guess is that,a s we are getting closer to meeting up, my nerves are getting to me and the combination of that plus the distance, the fact hat he is not there and that even if he were, that would be extremely intense and no guarantee it would be what I am longing for, this is all getting to me I think. And I somehow wish he could help me out with this, somehow be there for me.. but I didn't really communicate all of this to him until after.
And I have been bad with this before, but right now it's getting to a point where I don't recognize myself.On the other hand, he has this insecure position in the relationship and he hasn't quite owned his place in this so to say, not quite realized that I do need him and that I open up to him about what bothers me because I want him to know what's going on but also because I expect some sort of reaction from him, assurance, comfort.. something. To give you a better picture, he can be quite oblivious and has a hard time sometimes being empathic.
All this culminated saturday with him leaving early cause he had plans with his roommates. At which point I got very upset, although i technically shouldn't have. I mean.. I have no problems with him spending time with his friends and am relaxed about these things usually. But on saturday it bothered me because I though he would think that after a very hard week we could spend more time to re-connect... I thought he would consider that I am still pretty hurt and need him, that things are not oakay for me ...and 1) i wasn't aware of all this until he said goodbye.. and then it hit .. 2) I have a serious problem admitting i need him or asking him for something.

Also.. pretty silly.. part of why I got annoyed was this idea that I was feeling crappy about us not being together and what the future has in store for us, to me everything seemed sad and stressful .. and he seemed happy and okay and blissfully ignorant of all these things and enjoying himself. Which frustrated me to no end.
So.. we had a fight, but made up sort of and decided to spend the day together.

This really shook me up though.. last week.. everything. In a sense, I feel like things are clicking into place because we're talking about all these issues... but at the same time.. I feel like everything is either faling apart or will soon start falling apart. I am really stressed with what i have to do these days as well.. so I decided this week to focus on work and my offline life and to keep contact with him to the minimum. All I want is to not hurt him ever, to make him happy , to have us..

Any thoughts.. ideas.. insight.. advice.. would be much appreciated. Is this normal? How do I start communicating? And what should I do.. give him a list of what I want him to do beforehand? Isn't that like training of some sort? ..How do I get myself to be more open, more trusting and more communicative? ...

If you got this far.. thank you for reading this long post

[dragonlady]

i am the same feeling wise, dont really know what to do i got frustrated and such and talk with my SO who is really great in that stuff he put the finger on the sore place adn really got me to open up on my feelings and got me to understand myself better to

think that starting to talk to him that you have feelings you don't understand and are frustrated and that you really need his help to solve this? atleast if he is not able to help he knows that something is bothering you and that you don't understand it yourself..

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Your SO isn't psychic. If something is wrong, you need to actively tell him that, because otherwise it's likely he has no idea what's going on in your head. I'm not saying you have to know exactly, but if you keep it to yourself, you're going to start resenting him for not knowing what's going on, and then you'll purposefully not tell him what's going on, and then you'll resent him... you see where I'm going with this?

If I were you, I'd reserve my judgment too much until you've met. I think one of the problems in LDRs before you meet is that there's a lot of pressure on the meetings to go well. The good thing about LFAD is that it seems that most of the stories here, people have good meetings. And I'm sure yours will go better than you expect. Just don't think too deeply about the future, enjoy the excitement.

And try to find things that can help you relax. I know after a tough week, all you want to do is complain to your SO, but sometimes it's just not possible, whether they're unavailable, or you are, or whatever. So you need to find methods of unwinding that don't involve just your SO, so that if something like having a crappy week and he goes out with his friends happens again, you know how to unwind without necessarily feeling neglected.

[summerkid]

hey...thanks so much for your messages.
Dragonlady, it's good that your SO can do that and help you out that way. I'm sorry it's hard for you to open up too. My SO isn't great at getting me to open up at all and if i start talking i am afraid I'll bring him down, or talk too much, or get him worked up.. or that he is simply not interested. I mean.. he listens if i talk but, i don't know.. it's hard for me.

Biddly ( interesting name you have there ) Yes, you are right and he cannot take out his crystal ball and guess what's up with me. And the cycle you are describing is kind of what is happening i think. Good point. But my moods go up and down and i don't want to drag him with me and tell him there is something wrong every time i start having doubts etc. Plus, as I mentioned, these days it seems I am realizing there was something wrong only in hindsight or when it's too late. So how do I get of the cycle?

I wish i could not think so much about the future. I am trying .. but it's close and we're trying to make plans for the summer.. which we cannot not make but we are aware that there is a chance we won't live them together. But yes.. i am trying to focus on the now. This is what i said i was going to do starting this week.

As for the tough week.. we had it together because we were fighting a lot. i don't really complain to my SO that often cause of the whole having trouble communicating thing i guess. And also because I want our space to be mostly constructive. And i don't really use him for unwinding ..honestly, I am completely relaxed about how he spends his time and how much time we spend together.. i don't have a schedule or expectations, which is why this saturday's incident was a-typical for me. I find it very difficult to unwind at all and these days it's getting harder because of university combined with the LDR. Maybe i am growing impatient? I mean.. I need him in person.. and everytime i go on skype it almost gets me even more frustrated because he'S right there, but he's not. Soo.. I am driving myself mad maybe.

[dragonlady]

know what you mean!!!
but just talk to him about it once, so atleast you done it and then try to handel it yourself
we agreed to be very open and honest to each other also because of the langue difference, but i think most people have the same problems, afraid that your to clinging sometimes (if i do or he does we tell each other)

afraid that he will see somebody else, worrie if you will be able to find a job, that you can ground in another place etc etc (mainly my worries ;D)
but what everybody say is try to keep busy! i am making a quilt big enough for us both, i have a scrapbook, busy making jewellery ,making a purse etc etc
sometimes i think i am working myself to the bone lol!
just have faith and tackle each problem when they come, my mom always say's "can you do anything about it today? no? can you do anything about it tomorrow? no?, then put it aside and handle it when you can" don't know if that makes any sense..

write it down what you want to say, look at it during the day make changes and then read it to him later, that should atleast help to putting it under words
keep faith! men arent that different , but they like to come with solutions so if you want him to just listen, then say: honey i am going to nag about stuff with you and all i want you to do is listen and nod at the right times that is all i want, be blunt be straight forward, life is to short to beat around the bush

oke.. hope you can make any sense out of my ramble.. big hug!!

[camimb]

I know how you feel. Last monday was my birthday and I had some problems with my family and was very upset. I was expecting "something" from my boyfriend (he recorded a video for me and it was the most beautiful gift I've ever received in my life). For some reason I expected more, hoped he knew what was going on with me.
Now things have been pretty weird. I am getting support reading all these posts here and it has helped me a lot.
You gonna be fine

[summerkid]

know what you mean!!!
but just talk to him about it once, so atleast you done it and then try to handel it yourself
we agreed to be very open and honest to each other also because of the langue difference, but i think most people have the same problems, afraid that your to clinging sometimes (if i do or he does we tell each other)

afraid that he will see somebody else, worrie if you will be able to find a job, that you can ground in another place etc etc (mainly my worries ;D)
but what everybody say is try to keep busy! i am making a quilt big enough for us both, i have a scrapbook, busy making jewellery ,making a purse etc etc
sometimes i think i am working myself to the bone lol!
just have faith and tackle each problem when they come, my mom always say's "can you do anything about it today? no? can you do anything about it tomorrow? no?, then put it aside and handle it when you can" don't know if that makes any sense..

write it down what you want to say, look at it during the day make changes and then read it to him later, that should atleast help to putting it under words
keep faith! men arent that different , but they like to come with solutions so if you want him to just listen, then say: honey i am going to nag about stuff with you and all i want you to do is listen and nod at the right times that is all i want, be blunt be straight forward, life is to short to beat around the bush

oke.. hope you can make any sense out of my ramble.. big hug!!

Thank you so uch dragonlady! Yep...I am trying to hang in here... good luck to you too. i completely understand your worries.

Camimb: thanks! then we're going to be fine