Could use advice or comfort

[jourdonm]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now (all long distance-however we met in person first). He is in Germany, and I am in the US. We have been getting along wonderfully and talk every day. He is an amazing boyfriend and also my best friend. We love each other unconditionally, however this past month, he has been having a hard time with the distance. Since we are both in college/university, we can only visit a few times over the summer and once over winter break. It is getting harder to be away from each other and I think he is starting to get really lonely and is unsure about how much longer he can handle being away. He says it has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is just the situation. I am so upset that he is having such a hard time. I don't like to see him hurting. We have different outlooks on the situation because I see it as: I love him to death and can suffer through the distance if it means getting to be with him in the end, whereas he is more focused on the present and gets upset because we are not together now (he does still plan for us to have a future together though). Neither of us want to break up, so we are discussing taking a 2 week break from talking so we can see if we still feel the same after being apart.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Regardless of if you have been in a similar situation, would you recommend taking a break? Has that worked for anyone? I feel so helpless because all I want to do is take his pain and loneliness away, but I don't know how. I would appreciate any advice You guys are so helpful and you really make me feel so much better about everything. Thank you

[Moon]

I kind of suck at comfort, sorry about that. But, I don't like hearing about breaks, they usually turn into long break-ups, and don't generally work out so well If you go for the beak, make sure you both make your expectations of that time very clear, decide if you'll be in contact at all and if so, how (text, email, Skype). Be explicit if you'll still be exclusive during the time, which may not seem necessary, but it's important.

I don't think there's much that can be done about missing someone, but maybe some space and patience will help. Also, I don't think it helps to always talk about how much you miss each other, if you do that, I think it just intensifies emotions too much. When I feel like that, I try keeping our conversations a little on the lighter side, I don't talk about anything serious, like the future, but might talk about something dumb, like a South Park episode, or something. I don't know if that would work for everyone, but it does help me. Just try to ride out this rough patch, and hopefully everything will be fine. Good luck.

[jess_mp]

Have you downloaded the FREE LDR ebook Michelle (the creator of the site) shares here? If not, look for it, it's on the home page of this site.

There's a part on her ebook about this.

Definite Don’ts for any Long Distance Relationship
6. Do not have a “break.” I personally don't think having a break helps any relationship. Nothing gets "fixed" and you return to the relationship with the same issues because you didn't work on them together; all you did was avoid them. Problems have to be sorted out together… not apart. Being able to successfully work out problems is a test for every relationship, and something you need to be able to do as a couple.



I'd take her advice since she's been in a LDR for a long time, so she's got more experience than us... I hope it helps.

[Dezface]

I was like your SO in that I was focused on the "now" and the hurt that came with not having him with me. My SO was always more positive and looking to our future. So many times he had to comfort me and redirect my focus onto the bigger picture.

I never think breaks are a good idea but in your situation it makes even less sense. Talk less because you miss each other? I don't get it. I would just keep reassuring him that the future is worth it. Send letters and packages, talk about the future. Of course, as is always said on here, tell him to stay busy so he doesn't only focus on the distance. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

I would never do a break. Breaks turn into break ups many times. I would suggest doing some of the 103 things to do as couples. I sent my boyfriend a "best boyfriend" mug tonight because I was missing him. You can just pick and choose some of the suggestions as you see fit.

I made a playlist of love songs on youtube and sent him the link yesterday. He worked 12 hours but sent me an IM within 10 minutes after reading my email and told me he was listening to our song which I included on the playlist. I had sent him a text telling him I understood if he was too tired to chat but he stayed up till midnight with me watching some Scifi. It is important to keep things fun and lighthearted.

When you love each other in a LDR you learn to help each other through the difficulties. Avoiding each other is not going to do to that, imo. I hope it works out well for you.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with everyone else: Breaks don't tend to do much. All I can see happening is it making you both more miserable, and possibly just leading to the two of you breaking up. You can't fix him missing you by being more absent.

I'm more like your SO. I get frustrated and sad and sometimes angry. What helps is when my SO is strong, and reminds me that we're playing the long game. It doesn't mean he doesn't miss me, but if I told him all the time how much I missed him, and he indulged me about it constantly, I'd never stop thinking about it, and our conversations would just be about how much I hated the distance rather than us enjoying what bits of each other we can have. It's an effort to pull yourself out of being sad, but halfway through a conversation where you started off TRYING to be happier and lighter and more fun, you'll start feeling it.

I think some things you can do to make stuff better is make your SO laugh. Firstly, it's stress-relieving. Secondly, if you're a fun, happy person, he's more likely to want to stay with you than if you mope around with him. Thirdly, it shows that you're trying to make him feel good, and that in itself makes someone feel good.
Make him feel included in your life. Take photos of things to show him, talk about people he knows... talk about things that are a part of your life together. It makes it feel more real, more like the possibility of being together isn't so far away. Talk about things you've done together, things you'd like to do together... talk about things that include you both.

I think people in LDRs can make a mistake when they forget how to be friends with their SO. You can't constantly talk about how much you miss each other and how much you want to be together because it'll just drive you insane. Remember how to talk to each other the way you did when you first attracted each other. Be flirty, be funny, be engaging. You can't put your relationship on a miserable pause point just because you're far away. You still need to have fun together.