Parents & closing the distance

[Fabiana10c]

Hi everyone!

I can't believe I never came across this page and I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years! Well to start off I am 21 years old and currently live in New York. My boyfriend is currently here for a month because he came to celebrate my birthday. However, he's supposed to go back home (in Italy) on April 9th. We have discussed closing the distance and since I am currently a college student, he wants to stay and live here and let me follow my dreams. The one problem we have is my mom. My mom is your typical strict Italian mother who cares way too much what people have to say. My boyfriend will be 28 this year and I believe that if he wants to stay he doesn't need to ask her permission. Most likely my mom won't allow him to live with us since she's so strict however he currently doesn't work so he doesn't have the money for an apartment. I need some advice on what to do because if he doesn't stay then he will make a life for himself in Italy and would want me to move there after I graduate. As much as I love his family and the lifestyle in Italy, I wouldn't want to move there for the simple fact that we wouldn't have much opportunities and I always think of the future and I want my children one day to have as many options as possible when they grow up. We love each other very much and he is my everything. I honestly don't know what to do if he leaves. Please give me some advice on how I should break the news to my mom!

Thank in advance,
Fabiana

[Moon]

Wait, hold on, am I reading this right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you're saying that because your boyfriend is 28 years old, he shouldn't need permission from your mother to stay, but since he has no job, he'll be staying in your mother's house? That can't be right, can it?

If it is, I'm astounded at your thinking. It doesn't matter if he's 28 or 48, it's YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, of course, he absolutely needs her permission to stay there! If I read you wrong, and you meant something else, I apologize for my harshness, but seriously? You don't "break the news to your mom", you ask if he can come live with you. You do realize that if he shows up, belongings in hand, that one quick call to the police, and his ass is on the next flight to Italy, probably with his VWP privileges revoked, right? You really need a dose of reality, does he have a residence permit to live here? You CANNOT just up and move to another country, you need that country's permission to live there, even at the ripe old age of 28. You need to do your research, and realize the reality of your situation, and stop "thinking" with your emotions. If you want to live with him, there is A LOT of processes and procedures you need to deal with first, that is the reality of an international LDR.

Again, I know this is harsh, but it is the truth, and you need to hear it. You've been together 5 years, you should have looked into this awhile ago, obviously you have internet access, it's all available from simple Google searches. Start here visajourney and good luck.

[Fabiana10c]

Hi there,

I actually did write that wrong! What I meant to say is if he moves here (yes I know you need permission from the country & I know you have to get married in order for him to retrieve a green card, I did my research a long time ago.) & he finds a job I believe he doesn't need permission to live here! (Not in my mothers house in AMERICA) I agree with you that if he were to live in my house than my mom would have to give her permission! I'm sorry I didn't clarify that I just needed to get a couple things off my chest and I guess I should have checked before I hit send.

Yes it's been 5 years and I have done PLENTY of research! I might sound like I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about but I actually do. I guess what I should have wrote is that I want to tell my parents that we want to start the process of beginning paper work to have him legally live here.

[Moon]

Oh! OK! Well, that changes things, doesn't it Haha, sorry about that, please understand, we get some unbelievable posts around here sometimes.

Nope, if he follows the proper procedures, he can live wherever he wants then. I think you just tell them, openly and calmly, with confidence. It won't be easy, and might be a difficult discussion, and really, they can't prevent it anyway. It takes some time for visa approval, you'll be a little older by then, and their influence won't be so strong. They don't have to like it, but it's time to start letting go and let you make your own life decisions. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Yeah, if you're 21, and your SO plans to get the paperwork done, move, and set up housing for himself, I don't see why you need your parent's permission. Just tell them. To be honest, I don't even know if you need to make it that big a deal, because if you've been in a relationship for 5 years, they should've seen something like this coming. My parents pretty much just asked me when he was coming and that's been about the whole conversation. If anything, your parents will probably be happy that it's not YOU leaving.

[Fabiana10c]

Thanks! Again sorry for not clarifying what I meant to say!

I actually mentioned to my dad that my SO wants to move here and my father agreed. It's a matter of telling my mom. She's the type of person that cares WAY too much about what people have to say. I think she expected me to marry someone with some sort of status so she could show off to my family and her clients (she's a hairdresser.) I also agree that she should be happy that I'm not going anywhere but I won't her to be a little more accepting. I know when he moves here it won't be easy. He speaks very little English and most likely will have some sort of labor job but he's a very hard worker. He's willing to leave his family, work, and friends to live in a completely different country where he has no one but me. Ok I'm starting to ramble now lol

But honestly thanks again! Sorry for that misunderstanding

[JoeyBug]

My SO and I are looking into visas for him to move here. I live on my own (well with my best friend and her daughter, but the house is my own if that makes sense) and I don't need my parents permission. However, my mum is very cynical about LDR's - I had a bad break up from one in the past - and although the situation is TOTALLY different. He's been to visit more, he's been in contact with both my parents etc. She's still painicing about the whole thing, so you have my sympathy on that Fabiana. But, like you said, you don't need her permission and like you, my father is on my side - he's fine with whatever as long as it makes me happy and isn't illegal. My dad's pretty laid back like that. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the difficult parent(s) and LDR and closing the distance and wish you the best of luck!

[lucybelle]

Hello and welcome!

I live in Costa Rica with my husband and we just submitted an application for his residency to the USA. So I know the pain of visas!!

When your SO moves to the USA, where will he live? On his own? Will you live with him? Can you both afford that? He will not get an immediate job, can you support him for 8 months - 1 year while he looks for a job? Do you have enough income to prove you can provide support for the visa application (125% over poverty line)? Or do you have someone willing to be a co-sponsor? Will you stay in school full time? Or will you get a job to help support him? Will you do a fiance visa or spouse visa? How will you pay for the visa? Have you had extended stays with each other (over 1 month, preferably 3 months)? Is he prepared to live in the USA? Does he know what it is like to live there? Will you two be able to afford visits for him to go home? Can his family afford to come visit you in the USA?

Just some questions to think about.

Best wishes in your journey!

[Fabiana10c]

Hi there Joey bug! It seems we have similar issues lol. Deep inside I know I don't need permission for making the decision to stay with my SO but it's also hard to have a mom that's not very supportive. Although I understand where she's coming from, I wish she would realize how happy I am with him & couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Hopefully, she will come to realize as time goes on and I hope goes the same for you.

[Fabiana10c]

Hey there lucybelle!

Well for starters when my SO plans on moving here he wants to live on his own. Fortunately, I know people that have already offered him jobs so now it's about getting the paper work done. We plan on paying all the visa expensives together and plan on doing a spouse visa since fiancé visas only allow 90 days and then you must get married . I work part-time and go to school full time and I'm currently in my junior year of college. I intend to get my masters so if all goes well ill be in school for another 3 years. We have had plenty of extended stays (I go to Italy as soon as school ends until school starts so its exactly 3months) and he has also stayed in America for 3 month stays. He has been prepared to live in America for years now, since there's a better future for the both of us to live here. As soon as we get married his family intends on coming to support us.

I hope I answered all your questions!

[JoeyBug]

Hi there Joey bug! It seems we have similar issues lol. Deep inside I know I don't need permission for making the decision to stay with my SO but it's also hard to have a mom that's not very supportive. Although I understand where she's coming from, I wish she would realize how happy I am with him & couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Hopefully, she will come to realize as time goes on and I hope goes the same for you.

If she's anything like my mum, she'll be disapproving for a while, then she'll see how happy he makes you and suddenly become over supportive. If she's not then I'll give you the same advice people have given me. Sometimes you have to do what's right for you and just ignore those who can't be positive about it. I know she's your mom and I know that it's hard to not have her support. But, from what you've said (and from what I know of my own dysfunctional mother) even if you were moving in with a guy who she knows well - i.e dating SD - then she'd probably still find fault in it and you'd probably still wish for her to be supportive. She'll come round, she will, it will just mean you have to take the step first and she will need time to get used to it.

I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk!

[Fabiana10c]

Thank you for being so understanding joeybug! I personally know other couples who have been in LDR and have had the support of their parents and have closed the distance. I sometimes feel envious of that because I'm not a confrontational person so I don't want to fight with my mom over my decision to be with my SO. I'm sure over time things will get better but for now I will have to stay confident and not let her comments bother me.

Thanks for the advice it helps a lot!