The dark side of questions

[lucybelle]

Also, this is a weird one, if you close the distance internationally and you kick the bucket, where are you buried? Would you want to go "home", or wait in the foreign dirt for your SO to join the party?

Good one! I think I'd like to be cremated and taken on various trips and sprinkled in various locations throughout the world. I think that'd be pretty sweet. So a little of me here in USA, a little in CR, a little wherever is cool!

[Dziubka]

Also, this is a weird one, if you close the distance internationally and you kick the bucket, where are you buried? Would you want to go "home", or wait in the foreign dirt for your SO to join the party?

I've totally wondered about that before. What if I died now, where would I be buried? I don't really have any connections to the place where I grew up. My family (mum, brother and grandparents) still live there, but I don't really feel emotionally attached to the area. I have even less ties to where I went to university (ie the last place where I lived in Germany) but if I got buried here... Would I be buried at the Protestant Cemetary? Wow would all my family make it to my funeral? And would they be sad that they couldn't visit my grave regularly?

My boyfriend would probably yell at me for even thinking about it, but I like to prepare for (almost) everything.

What happens if we both die when we already have children?
I have no idea, because I don't know what state our parents will be in by the time we have kids. Seeing as my boyfriend doesn't have any siblings and we're most likely going to live in Germany, I think my brother would take them.

If we got divorced, I think we'd both stay in the country where we were already living. I don't believe in moving just for your partner. I wouldn't have moved if I hadn't wanted to without my boyfriend. So whereever we'd be living, we'd be living there for other reasons than our partner and we'd probably stay even if the marriage didn't work out.

[JoeyBug]

This is a great post, thought-provoking and with good content. I have been trying to think of what would happen to Scott and me in those circumstances. We have talked about both, one more than the other and I'll explain why.

First though, what would happen if we got divorced? Well, we're not married - we're not even engaged though it has been discussed and if we were to get married, Scott would be moving here for various reasons. I, like you, don't think there is much he could do or say that would make me want to divorce him, but life isn't perfect and these things do happen. I did wonder out loud to him one day when we were talking about marriage, what if we divorce before he's a permanent resident in the UK? I assume he would be told to vacate the country, but what if there were children involved? I know that in cases like that, he could probably appeal that he needed to stay for his child(ren)s sake, but where would he go? He would have moved in with me and he would be the one working when the six months were up and he was allowed because of my own health conditions. So he would probably be able to find the money for a flat or something nearby that allowed him to still have access to his child(ren) and stay in the country and work. I think if it happened before or when there were no children, he would return back to the USA and we'd just part company. I don't really know what he'd do if it was after he was granted leave to stay permanently, maybe then he'd stay for a while or for longer.

The second question was one that really got me thinking because it is something we've discussed a lot. I have a rare and life threatening disease and the possibility of it killing me is very high. Due to that, we would have to have a will in place before we had children just in case something was to happen to me during childbirth or something that would enable him to have custody AND stay in the UK, because I think that's what he would want. Now if both of us were to die in some freak accident, right now it would be sad and upsetting for those left behind, but we don't have assets together yet and I think it would only become something that needed addressing if we did, or if we have children. In that case I think it would be something we'd agree on for the child(ren) to stay with my carer and best friend in the UK and continue to live here. Access for his parents of course, but I think he and I would prefer they don't have to be uprooted and since I already live with my best friend and carer (and the plan so far is for that to continue once we're married) it would be easier for the child(ren) to cope in familiar surroundings. So, yes we've given it some thought.

Sorry for the long essay and I realised that I haven't actually answered your questions on the legalities of it all. From what little I know, as long as the will has been properly notarised and filed, it doesn't matter if it's in Canada or Australia as long as someone knows about it and can prove it's authenticity it should stand up. Hope that helps and thanks for the great topic!

[JoeyBug]

My main concern is if one of us becomes ill, or incapacitated, how will that work from 4000+ miles away? If something, like a spinal injury for example, happened to me, I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to me in any way, yet letting him go would be so horrible, I can't even imagine it. Or an illness like cancer, how can you give the needed support and care from across an ocean, and is that too much to even hope for, in an LDR?

Also, this is a weird one, if you close the distance internationally and you kick the bucket, where are you buried? Would you want to go "home", or wait in the foreign dirt for your SO to join the party?

I can answer your first question. I am seriously ill and disabled. I met my SO in 2002 when I was partially disabled, we lost contact and then we reconnected in 2010. When he came to visit, he was aware that I spend most of my time in a wheelchair and since then my condition has only gotten worse. It is possible in an LDR, it's hard and you need a good support system both for you AND your SO, but it is possible. I'm talking though from the perspective of someone who was already on the way to a wheelchair when we met, not as someone who went into a wheelchair by some freak accident. I asked Scott about it one time and he told me that he would rather be with me with the chair and all, then never risk getting hurt never knowing what could have been. I'm sure a lot of people would feel the same if something like that were to happen to their SO.

[JoeyBug]

Sorry for another post, just saw this question:

What would you do if your parents or your SO's parents fell to poor health and needed to be taken care of?

We're kinda in that situation now. Scott used to live in Kansas, but returned home to Florida to help care for his dad. His mum does the majority of care, or she did before he went home. He was planning to come for a month in Feb but his dad's health got worse and he decided he wanted to wait until his dad had stabilised before he came over. His concern was that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the time we had together if he was worried something would happen to his dad while he was 4000+ miles away.

Now, I know that if and when he joins me here in the UK, he'll have the same concerns and we haven't really talked much about what's going to happen when and if he leaves. His mum can still care for his dad but she also has to hold down a full time job and his brother is not much help. He has a family of his own and has recently moved, so I'm not really sure how that would work. It's something for us to discuss so thanks for the question!

I'll stop posting now!

[Malaga]

What would you do if your parents or your SO's parents fell to poor health and needed to be taken care of?

I wonder about this one a lot because my SO's mom is in terrible health. And we're moving to the USA. I'm worried in 5 years or so we might have to uproot and move back to CR to take care of his mom.

This one bugs me too. Both of our parents are in good health thankfully, but they are aging and at some point they will very likely need assistance and care. As my brother moved to Canada and doesn't look like moving back in the foreseeable future, it feels like I'm the only person they have to look after them. On the other hand, my SO is an only child so he bears the similar responsibility to his parents. It's a bit of a deadlock, but I guess we'll deal with it as it happens.

I've also been thinking a bit about a prenup agreement. Would you sign one? I never really thought much of them before, but recently it seems more and more like a good idea. My SO still doesn't feel right about it, but the way I see it, it could make a lot of very complicated situations easier.

[Tooki]

Also, this is a weird one, if you close the distance internationally and you kick the bucket, where are you buried? Would you want to go "home", or wait in the foreign dirt for your SO to join the party?

Tough question! If we are in Australia, I would like to be buried back home in NSW.

If I'm overseas, it would really depend on where we are living. More than likely, I would prefer to be cremated.

I'm not a fan of a prenup but depending on the nature of my assets at the time of marriage, I may look into it. I would like to think that my GF and I would be civil and fair enough to spilt everything fairly.

I am definitely planning on signing my will, because I don't want my assets going to people that I don't necessarily want to have them.

[lucybelle]

I've also been thinking a bit about a prenup agreement. Would you sign one? I never really thought much of them before, but recently it seems more and more like a good idea. My SO still doesn't feel right about it, but the way I see it, it could make a lot of very complicated situations easier.

My SO and I have a prenup. I don't understand why people are so touchy about them. It's a precaution in case things go south. Sort of like home owners insurance. You don't want or believe a tree will crash through your roof, but if it does you're damn glad you have your insurance. My mom and dad were happily married for 20 years before getting a divorce. That's a long time and you just can't predict what will happen. Obviously, I think a prenup is a very smart idea

[Malaga]

My SO and I have a prenup. I don't understand why people are so touchy about them. It's a precaution in case things go south. Sort of like home owners insurance. You don't want or believe a tree will crash through your roof, but if it does you're damn glad you have your insurance. My mom and dad were happily married for 20 years before getting a divorce. That's a long time and you just can't predict what will happen. Obviously, I think a prenup is a very smart idea

I agree with you. I think especially if you have kids or plan to have them, or you have other people in your family who depend on you financially, you have a responsibility to them to ensure their well-being and can't afford to take the romantic carefree view anymore. Marriage is already technically a contract, a prenup is just a more elaborate appendix.

[mllebamako]

I've also been thinking a bit about a prenup agreement. Would you sign one? I never really thought much of them before, but recently it seems more and more like a good idea. My SO still doesn't feel right about it, but the way I see it, it could make a lot of very complicated situations easier.

We have a prenup and I'm with lucybelle, to me it just seems practical. It did cause a few uncomfortable discussions but they were discussions worth having.

[TwoThree]

I don't like these questions I have thought about them, mostly, but I'm not sure we discussed them all in detail.

Divorce: With or without children, and depending on my residence status, I would like to remain in Finland. There is a strong stigma on divorced women where I come from and I'd rather not have to deal with that bullshit. Plus I am NOT raising my children here, no way. And obviously I would never want them to grow up without having their father around.

Death: If we both die and leave children behind, well, that would be a real shitty situation. In Finland, my in-laws are unfortunately getting old and I don't know if they can take care of children, even if they wanted to. My brothers-in-law are also unlikely choices as one of them is single and lives on his own and wouldn't know what to do with kids, and the other has two already (step-sons, though) and one on the way. Let's stay positive and hope we don't both die at the same times. I don't want my children to be shipped back to my homecountry, but if it comes to that I'd like them to be cared for by my middle sister.

As for wills, we don't have them but we will work on them once we close the distance because I want my family to get a part of what I own.

Burial: I wouldn't mind being buried wherever my SO's family will be buried. This shouldn't be a problem if my parents are already passed by then. I really don't want an Islamic burial at the cemetary where my family is because it's very crowded already and we're down to opening up graves and burying people on top of other people (*shivers*) Not that it would matter to me once I'm gone, but yeah.

For one of my parents becoming very ill, I would travel back and take care of them as much and as often as I can, but luckily I have three sisters so it's not like it will be my sole responsibility. They are both quite healthy for now, thankfully *knocks on wood*

Prenup: We didn't have one. We didn't even consider it. I wouldn't mind having signed one if he had asked, though.

[Zephii]

Some good questions!

Burial, well I don't like being cold so I'm going with being cremated. Then it'll be easy to bring me home, or to just buy me a nice box and move me around I have no idea what Obi wants though so we can discuss this over dinner

My parents are dead, but if his parents or grandparents become ill I'd be willing to step up and care for them. I couldn't handle putting a family member in a home, and I'm pretty sure his sister is too self-centred to care for them, so that make it up to us.

We didn't have a pre-nup. Luckily our assets were more or less even, but even if they had not been, for me (and me only, not judging others!) I would have been offended if my SO wanted me to sign one because he aught to know me well enough to know I'd never screw him over no matter how angry he made me, and I'd never ask that of him either. I guess I'm willing to bet half my stuff he'll love me forever as naive as that probably is.

[Catface]

I love reading this thread! There's no way I would bring this stuff up yet as seven months in is a little early but reading your answers makes me think about things I wouldn't have even realized. Thanks for being honest and giving us all something to think about!!

[chizatlauren]

This is an awesome thread. It made me sigh and think of things that my SO and I talked about.

One serious question we asked each other was... How long are we going to live in America when we're together? Where are we going to retire? And when we die, are we going to be buried together?

Retirement is a big issue for us. I always thought I would like to retire in the Philippines because it is really practical and it's cheap here. He has a trust fund and that will go a long way here if we live here. We also had a debate on how long are we going to reside in the US... And we agreed on until we're 50 or 60. My SO wants to be buried in the US. And I want to be in an urn in Manila. So yeah, we'll be separated at death.

Another question is: What will be our children's citizenship?

This is a great debate because I kept on pushing my SO to let our future kids have dual citizenship (Fil/Am) and become bilingual. I don't want them to grow up not knowing about my culture, but my SO is not really keen on our kids speaking Filipino without him understanding them.

[chizatlauren]

Sorry, I have another important question my SO and I discussed and I want to share it.

Where are we getting married? (NOTE: THERE IS NO DIVORCE IN THE PHILIPPINES)

This might seem like a positive question, but if you come to look at it, it's not. There's no divorce law in this country, and it's the only remaining country in the world without divorce. He still wants to marry me here despite the fact that he's going to be stuck with me if he marries me here, but I am a bit doubtful. I'm thinking twice because what if we decide that we want to get separated (I am not a negative thinker, but there are some painful realities we have to face) and we got married here? So yep. It still is a debate between us.