I really need some advice

[Sarah Lee]

Financially both my parents and husband are paying for everything, for the paper work. I'm not working bc I'm very ill most times. My husband is working and saving for our apartment & our future together, for most of the lawyer fees. There's more benefits of me going, there are better doctors there as well so if I go I can see doctors & get treatment. I'm not losing anything financially & I feel like I don't know if it's worth it to try..

I don't know if I'll be comfortable with him again, the way we use to be.. I don't know if I'll be able to look past these couple of months where he's been treating me this way.. I don't know if it would even last long.. I know that when were together in my country or his, things are great with us.. I guess that part of me want's to see if things can go back to normal..
I have a strong feeling like it wouldn't work thou but I'm trying to have hope.. We've been together for over 5 years, since I was 21yrs old. I don't know if I'm ready to just walk away..!!

I blocked him from my chat list and I deleted his screen names & email addresses for all my accounts, I haven't turned on my magic jack phone & don't plan on doing so for a while.. I'm just taking some time to myself to figure out what I want to do...

As much as I love him I need to be respected & treated better than this..!! Your right kattermole, I feel very much alone in this relationship & I'm usually a very happy bubbly person, lately I haven't been myself. I don't know how to react to what he said, I feel extremely shocked, hurt, betrayed & so many other crummy emotions...

[digitalfever]

Do you know for sure that he's saving up?

[Hollandia]

Financially both my parents and husband are paying for everything, for the paper work. I'm not working bc I'm very ill most times. My husband is working and saving for our apartment & our future together, for most of the lawyer fees. There's more benefits of me going, there are better doctors there as well so if I go I can see doctors & get treatment. I'm not losing anything financially & I feel like I don't know if it's worth it to try..

I don't know if I'll be comfortable with him again, the way we use to be.. I don't know if I'll be able to look past these couple of months where he's been treating me this way.. I don't know if it would even last long.. I know that when were together in my country or his, things are great with us.. I guess that part of me want's to see if things can go back to normal..
I have a strong feeling like it wouldn't work thou but I'm trying to have hope.. We've been together for over 5 years, since I was 21yrs old. I don't know if I'm ready to just walk away..!!

I blocked him from my chat list and I deleted his screen names & email addresses for all my accounts, I haven't turned on my magic jack phone & don't plan on doing so for a while.. I'm just taking some time to myself to figure out what I want to do...

As much as I love him I need to be respected & treated better than this..!! Your right kattermole, I feel very much alone in this relationship & I'm usually a very happy bubbly person, lately I haven't been myself. I don't know how to react to what he said, I feel extremely shocked, hurt, betrayed & so many other crummy emotions...

He is full of bullshit excuses and trying to play the best defense, which is an offense and you seem to be buying into part of it. Don't. You are not in the wrong at all, he is.

You are making excuses for him again and he just told you he lied to you to marry you. You still sound like you are very much in denial. This is your decision but don't say one thing and think the other. Have a decision and own it. We are not judging you, you don't need to say we are right if you don't truly believe it. You just need to decide and move forward from there.

I personally wish I could shake you and tell you to just "get it", this is done. I just don't think it would matter, till you can learn to accept this yourself and learn to love yourself enough to know you should not allow him to treat you in this way, you will continue to travel this path of woe.

[Sarah Lee]

Hey everyone..
I know I haven't posted anything in a while but I've kinda of been sorting out my own feelings & trying to make sense of everything for a long time now.

So here goes.... My husband came to my country despite being saying I want a divorce & I didn't want to see him... He came in the beginning of Feb 2014 & have been here ever sense I guess just trying to work things out with us. We have fights/disagreements (never screaming at each other) very often. Except it seems like nothings changing & he isn't working on anything, his quarrel is that him giving up everything & coming to my country to live with me while the paper work is goes through should be enough for me to see that he really loves me & wants us to work out. He spent his entire tax returns which was US $1500 puls all of his savings to bring things I need & also to invest in order for us to live my my country until the paper work goes through.. I on the other hand need to see genuine changes or even something different. I know men handle things differently but I just feel like he doesn't care.

I feel like I'm drowning in this marriage & I cant seems to feel anything, its as if I'm numb. I don't feel like I'm getting what I need of want from my husband.. I mean for the most part he's not completely terrible but how can I just forget everything he did for that year that we were apart.. he keeps saying they were all mistakes & he handled the distance extremely badly but my feeling/ emotions/ reactions were real I felt everything.

So we got an approval on our paper work which means we can go back to the US soon.. He's saying that once were in the US things would be different bc we'll be together & we can enjoy everything, have our independence back (bc we live with my parents here) & put all this paper work & the whole situation behind us but I don't know if I have the strength to go there & have everything be the same or worst. I'll be leaving my family & my emotional support system (I'm extremely close to my parents & brother) to be in a place where it would be so overwhelming & disheartened if things didn't work out..

I dont know what to do should I take a chance & go, I can always come back to my country if it doesn't work out or should I just stay & file for divorce & go out with my life here. I know no one can make this decision for me but I would like any advice or different prospective.

[rhabdoviridae]

This whole thing is dragging a you down, you can tell from the tone of your posts I wouldn't be able to stay with a man who openly admitted to lying to you/faking who he is just to get you to marry him. If he can't be a good husband during the bad times (distance), how can you ever trust him going forward? What if you have tough times ahead even close distance? He's acting like being together in the us will cure all of your problems, but it will not. Don't be fooled I would end your marriage and stay with the people that love and support you.

[katettttt]

I think you need to take second to reflect and re-read what you have been writing and you will find your answer. You aren't happy in this relationship anymore. Your husband has admitted that he acted a certain way to get you to marry and him and can no longer act that way. Essentially, the man that you fell in love with and married is not the man you are with now. I can completely understand why are you still trying to make it work. There's nothing harder than ending a relationship you thought would last forever. However, keep in mind that while it may not feel like it you are still young and there is plenty of time to start over and have the perfect life that you were promised and that you deserve. It sounds like you have done everything in your power to try and fix the relationship but your husband isn't willing to put in the same effort as you. Focus on your family and being healthy, keep your support close and you can get through it!

[differentcountries]

Things hasn't gotten any better, in fact it got worst... he said to me that he cant talk to me often, every now & then is fine & that's all he can give me, he definitely cant talk to me everyday. He also said "I cant be fake anymore, I only did those things to get you to marry me & now I have to be myself & I cant continue doing those things because I'll just be lying to myself".

I've been trying to figure out what's happening & I thought may be him coming this summer would make things better, may be it's the distance... I told him my dad has the money to buy his airplane ticket & he said he wishes he could come but he has gotten a Summer job with his uncle... We haven't seen each other since January, we hardly talk or text and we have never Skype. He's a NYC teacher so he's off from school now, since he's been off he hasn't text-ed me or called or emailed.. he has classes at nite thou.. he doesnt have time to talk to me he says....

I feel like my marriage is over & I'm trying to come to teams with it but it's so hard.. he keeps saying he loves me and he cares when we do talk but he hasnt been showing me at all...

He does not want to show love like he has, but has he offered you any alternatives? It is fine that he doesn't want to be fake, but he has got to have something "real" to offer that is also interesting to you, for this relatonship for work out. He may be busy and tired, but a lot of us others have stressful lives and we still find ways to stay in contact with our SO's. I think you have to put it straight to him that he risks his marriage by his behaviour. He has not given you much to live by, he acts sort of like your relationship is frozen and can be reheated when you are together. LD does not work like that.

My friend used to feel a bit like you do, her husband vooed her by doing everything for her in the beginning of their relationship, even moved to where she lives and then after marriage he just stopped. She is not in a long distance relationship anymore but her now CD husband is a workaholic, he never had much time for her and stayed at work in the evenings even though he does not get payed extra for it. As I remember it, she gave him a year in which he had to set aside time for her in very specific ways, otherwise she would leave him, period. I think her demands was dinner and spending the whole evening together twice a week, as well as him not working on weekends. I think it worked, they are still together.

[Sarah Lee]

Part of me feels like I'm being ungrateful bc we spent USD$7000 for all the paperwork & fees.. (may be bc he gets angry & says that he did all this for us & I'm throwing it away & I shouldn't waste all that & stay here)

I've always been a very secure & upbeat, happy person & I still am for the most part. My parents were talking & my dad was telling my mom that he's worried about me going to another country with my husband, that he's already seeing things that he knows will be difficult for me. (It makes me sad that even my parents see it happening) They love me so much that's why I try to hide everything from them bc I don't want them to worry.

I don't feel hate toward my husband or anything like that I just want to be happy again. It's hard to explain but in some ways I feel like I've been doing it all alone for so long & I feel "single". I solve all the problems, I take on all the responsibility, I come up with ideas, I make sure everything gets done. It's not that I don't want help or support it's that I don't get it from him. I've always liked taking care of others & I honestly love being a wife in every way but this to me isn't a marriage at all...

Lately I feel so broken, I'm not some one who's going to walk around sad or angry all the time bc it's not my personality & I feel like he see that like I've probably gotten over the issue bc I'm happy.

I know this may seen a bite superficial but I've always had long thick hair ever since I was younger (almost to my waist) bc of all the stress I have crazy hair lost & it has gotten so thin that I had to cut it short. I don't feel as healthy are I use to, bc I haven't been my usual outgoing self & I just feel so clustered.

When we started dating 6 years ago he told me his favorite hair color was blond & his favorite eye color was green, I didn't think anything of it back then bc I thought that was his preference (I'm a brunette with brown eyes btw). A few weeks ago he admitted to me that he's always love brunettes but just told me that to make me insecure bc I was so secure & he didn't feel like he could get a girl like me. (That completely crushed me, that he would do something so horrible)

[silvermoonfairy3]

Part of me feels like I'm being ungrateful bc we spent USD$7000 for all the paperwork & fees..

I know it's a lot of money, but that's never a good reason to stay in what sounds like an otherwise kind of bad situation for you. I know it's not to the level where your husband is physically abusing you or anything, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, and you've admitted flat out you're not happy.

So the question is, do you honestly see it changing for the better? It doesn't sound like it will, to be honest, but I don't know your partner. If you think, being honest with yourself, that he's not likely to make the effort and change, I think your parents are right to worry and that maybe you shouldn't continue to be with him.

When we started dating 6 years ago he told me his favorite hair color was blond & his favorite eye color was green, I didn't think anything of it back then bc I thought that was his preference (I'm a brunette with brown eyes btw). A few weeks ago he admitted to me that he's always love brunettes but just told me that to make me insecure bc I was so secure & he didn't feel like he could get a girl like me. (That completely crushed me, that he would do something so horrible)

That's so shitty of him I don't even know how to respond. That's sleazy pick-up-artist game playing right there, make a woman feel insecure.

I know there's always a lot more to consider when a relationship is actually a marriage, but one thing that's always a consideration is if you're being treated well and are happy. If not.. and it sounds like you're not, it might be time to end it, even if it is a marriage.

And if you decide that, don't let him make you feel guilty because he gets mad about the money involved in the visa process or whatever else. Guilting you into staying is just more game playing that you don't need.

Good luck!

[lilspitfire]

Have you talked to a relationship counselor or therapist? I would try to speak to someone skilled in relationship advice. It sounds like you're going down a bad path that will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud now. You mentioned losing hair from stress? That's not healthy. Are there any other signs of stress? Headaches, stomach pains, eye twitches? You need to look out for you. Whether you're a wife or not. Your health comes first. Check into finding a counselor. Or if you're religious, talk to a Priest or Pastor.

[conejita_hada]

I think silvermoonfairy3 provides some very good points. That is a lot of money spent but as suggested, is that the main reason you're willing to move to the other country? A marriage is supposed to include partnership and compromise but if you feel like you're alone and after discussions to repair, it still hasn't gotten better, you need to think about yourself first and foremost. If you're able to, try talking to a marriage counselor. Make sure you have your best interests in mind, in order to regain your happiness. Please know you have support here!

[Sarah Lee]

Thank you so much for reading my post & giving me support..

We haven't really been talking much these days, & I fear it's going to be like this until he leaves in Sep. I have until the end of September to really think about if going with him is a good idea or if staying here is best.

Reasons why I still think moving is a option:
-My parents are very very over protective of me to an unhealthy point sometimes ( I read some articles that said parents with children that are ill are always more over protective of them for there whole lives) & in the US we have more freedom to do things together & enjoy it.
-I can get better treatment for my illness there, better doctors & my husband has health insurance. ( Of course getting treatment is important but to me I feel like I need more than just that) I need a life that I can be happy with the person I'm living with.
-There are more job options there for both of us & we'll be more secure financially, I know he worries about money & that puts a lot of stress/pressure on him.

We've lived together in the US before & it was amazing, we had more freedom, we both worked & had more money to do fun things like plays, musicals, museums, art exhibits ect. Here in my country there isn't much to do & on top of my parents being to over protective we stay in most of the time. I just don't know if I can forgive & forget all the things that's happened, how can I love him the same or even look at him the same. it's hard to move past all the hurtful things & try to fix something so broken.