Fixing it when it's broken

[aliciaJ3235]

My name is Alicia (Missouri). I am 33. Jay and I have been dating off and on for 2 years. We are crazy about each other, but tried to keep it simple and casual because we knew he'd move to Australia for work. Mostly, I wanted to keep it simple because I didn't want to deal with the breakup. The move took longer than expected. He left a month ago, and I am learning to navigate the LDR. We hadn't planned on trying to make it work. He is absolutely the worst at talking on the phone. He can e-mail (sort of), but mostly, we are just happy when we are together. I've always teased him about his phone skills, it's pure business. He always laughed with me about it, but now it is really tough. We are probably going to see each other twice before the end of the year. The distance makes travel so expensive--2100 per flight! I feel that we have to push through because I discovered that I was pregnant 2 weeks before he left. We love each other. He wants to come back in a year when his contract is up. But he is devastated about giving up his amazing career. I told him that he didn't have to, that I am not asking him to give up his life. He still insists wants to do it, but he is in so much turmoil our communication is almost non existent. We thought we would try again in 5 years after he traveled the world, but at this point, it is now or never. He withdrew, working 12-13 hour days, keeping busy the rest of the time. That's what he does when he is stressed. I got so tired of waiting to hear from him that I just told him I needed a break from waiting. I told him not to contact me at all. He said he would try to do better and he is just so overwhelmed, but he agreed. Now a week has gone by. He called once to tell me about seeing a therapist to help him do better. Other than that, I have stopped trying to talk to him and told him that I needed more time to stop worrying about him all of the time. Will he text? Will he call? It's 7 am here, it's 8 pm there, is he going to go to bed without texting me again? I couldn't take it anymore with my prego hormones all over the place. I feel better now that I have stopped watching the phone. But still, now I feel lonely and sad all of the time. I want to try to initiate contact again, but I feel like "making up" after all of this heartache is so much harder when he can hardly utter a word on the phone. What do you do when you feel like you've hit a brick wall and your heart is in a vice but you know you want to keep trying? In normal life, a long hug would just fix it all and everything would be okay again. The next hug is 2 and a half months away. I will be 5 months pregnant by then. I am hoping that I can find someone or something that makes sense of all of this. So here I am!

[Dezface]

Hang in there The situation you're in would be rough enough, but it's complicated x1000 with the pregnancy.

The only thing i can tell you is that you've both been thrown for a loop right now. He went from thinking he'd be a single man, building his career and traveling the world, to being in a long distance relationship with a pregnant girlfriend back home. That's a lot to take in. It's a lot for you too, but while you need more communication, his coping mechanism is to withdraw. I think you're doing the right thing by not contacting him. He needs to be the one to initiate. That will ensure he knows he has to put effort in, and also give you some relief from being the one to get things going all the time. I wish you the best of luck.

[Liane]

Your situation is a lot like mine (minus the pregnancy part), and I do the same things you do too. I wait by the phone all the time and he withdrawals because he is sad/stressed. Then I get upset/stressed because he isn't communicating with me (and he's pretty horrible at it too).
Only thing is, I'm doing the opposite. Where you are giving him space, I'm reaching out to him more because he's withdrawled... but my situation isn't really working either.

Honestly, it sounds like you have the better approach.

I really wish you all the best of luck. Stay strong, and yes, do keep trying xx