New to LFAD and in need of advice please!

[Liane]

First off, thank you for listening

I'm in need of some advice on whether what I'm feeling is normal for a LDR or not. And if any of you have been through similar feelings/doubts.

I'll give you the cliff notes version of our story ...

I'm a 24 year old Canadian girl. He's a 27 year old Australian. We met two years ago in Belgium while we were both travelling. We were both staying in the same hostel so we spent a few days hanging out together before both heading our separate ways, and we got along pretty well. We kept in touch via facebook (as friends) and chatted casually online for the next several months. There was some definite flirtation happening but nothing serious, and neither of us ever believed we would see each other again so it was no big deal.
Cut to me moving to Melbourne (where he lives) a few months later for completely unrelated reasons (I did not move there for him, nor was I interested in having ANY romantic relationship while I was there). When I told him I was moving to his city he got excited and told me he'd show me around. I assumed we'd be friends while I was there (I was only going to be there for 5 months), and he'd introduce me to some people.
A few days after I arrive in Melbourne we had planned to hang out as friends (at least that's what I thought) but he showed up with flowers and chocolate and had this whole romantic picnic date planned.... and we've been together ever since. That was a year and a half ago. I actually extended my 5 month stay in Melb to 10 months because I wanted our relationship to continue, and we briefly lived together for the last 2 months I was there as well.
Anyway, I left Melb in December to come back to Canada and we were apart for only 6 weeks before he came to visit me in January. He stayed for a month and we had a really great time, but now we haven't seen each other for 4 months (and we likely won't see each other for another 4 months).

The longer we're apart the more I start to doubt things - if this can actually work, if we're really "right" for each other, etc. As time progresses we talk less and less as well. He says it's too hard for him to talk to me all the time because it just makes him miss me more and upsets him. I'm the opposite though - I miss him, so I want to talk to him more to make me feel better.
I totally trust him and don't doubt his feelings for me. I know he really loves me a lot and he's said to me before that he knows he will deeply regret it if we break up, because he feels like he "will never find anyone as perfect" for him as me again.

I also really love him. I respect and admire so many things about him. We get along fantastically and have never gotten into a fight. But there's also a few things I see in him that I'm not 100% sure I could be okay with in the long run.

With all this distance and separation between us, I don't know the difference anymore between real-love and attachment-love. And I'm concerned that I'm only holding on to this relationship because I'm attached to him, not because I really truly believe that we're right for each other.

I don't know what to do.

[kteire]

Welcome to LFAD! Always nice to see another Canuck around

I really wish I had some useful advice for you but I'm afraid I won't be much of a help. I can say that having doubts when you haven't seen each other in a long time seems to be normal. While my SO and I haven't had to go 8 months apart, I always found that we'd talk less and I'd worry more when we'd been apart for longer.

Do you have any sort of plans about when you could possibly close the distance?

How big of a deal are the things that you're not sure you could live with? Like deal-breakers or red flags at all?

[Liane]

Thanks for your feedback

I'm very close with my family and have a large group of friends here, whereas my SO isn't close with his family and has a lot less friends than I do. Because of that (and because my support system here is much stronger than his is in Melb) we both agreed that it makes more sense in that regard for him to move here.

I know he's pretty terrified of it though. Which I think is understandable, it's a huge sacrifice to make for someone. He's also stated that he worries about whether or not he will even like living in Canada (he's only been here once in the middle of winter and he found it incredibly cold, haha), as well, he worries about "ripping up his entire life in Melb" to move to Canada and then what if we don't work out? (This are his concerns, not mine).
He wants to be with me, but I don't really think he actually wants to move here, you know. He's pretty freaked out about the whole thing.

Currently our tentative plan is for me to visit him for 1-3 months (depending on available time/money) during his summer, so like November - January sort of thing. Then he said he'd would move here around May/April. Because he's so freaked out about permanently moving though, I suggested him "moving here" on a 1-2 year working holiday visa, and then after a year or two of living together here we can reevaluate where we stand in our relationship, and if we still want to be together, then we can make further plans from there.
When it comes time for someone to make the permanent move though, we both agreed that it makes more sense for him to be the one to relocate.

This is another concern of mine though. Whether he will have the courage to make the move here, or whether things might all fall apart next year if he doesn't.


None of my concerns about him are necessarily red flags, although they do worry me. He has had pretty crazy mood swings in the past where he gets really angry or grumpy all of a sudden. He's usually very kind and compassionate, so I have no idea where all the anger comes from or if it will ever really go away. It's like he carries this huge chip on his shoulder sometimes, and thinks the whole world is out to screw him over.
I am definitely not like this - I'm usually a very positive and optimistic person, and I very rarely get angry. So that type of behaviour is completely foreign to me.