Am I being too needy?

[janina]

So me and Josh just celebrated our one month anniversary a week ago, and now all of a sudden everything is falling apart, and I don't know what I can do about it.

He is a gamer boy, and so he usually plays a lot of video games and I am completely fine with that. Just sometimes when I really need his attention and I get annoyed at him because he doesn't focus on the skype call with me, but he focuses on the game more, I get upset and comment that he's always playing. Well, this sets him off into a defensive mode, and I just don't know if I am doing something wrong, should I give him the space he wants? or what? am I wrong for saying this?

We had a discussion about this over skype, but he wasn't really communicating or being responsive, instead he was really quiet and not really wanting to sort things out. All I think he really got into his head was that I am trying to get him to stop playing, which I am not!

Our relationship is so close to perfect, but this constant fighting is making it so tough on both of us

So basically I am searching for advice on what to do! I am so clueless and need other people's opinions on this. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? what did you do to fix it? or improve it?

[libelle]

Try to talk calmly and set times when you two are ONLY speaking, and times when he is ONLY gaming. This way he will have his time gaming in peace but also you two will have quality time together, where his attention is only directed at you

[lyonsgirl]

Depends on how you tell him.

If you whine and cry and moan about how he never pays attention to you and is always paying video games, then you're doing it wrong and yes, he's allowed to be upset.

If, on the other hand, you're telling him this rationally, calmly, and how YOU feel (ex: "I feel this way when this happens" vs "You're always ignoring me") then you need to chill.

Based on your side thing, you're 16. I'm guessing he's 16-18. Which means.... he's a teenage boy. Which means that's what he does. He'll grow up eventually, but it will probably take 5-10 years before that happens.

So basically.... you can't "fix" it. Tell him the way you feel when he is playing video games. For example, "I feel like you don't hear me when you're playing video games" rather than "You never pay attention to me! You're not listening!" The accusatory words ("you statements") never help anything. Promise.

ETA: My almost husband plays video games when we're chatting. We've established that if there's a serious topic of conversation we need to talk about, I'll ask him to pause so we can work through it, and then when we've worked through it he can hit play again.

[janina]

I think I can see myself in the ''bad example''... I am having such troubles dealing with this, and he just really, doesn't listen to what I say. I believe it is because he's heard me whine about his gaming time. Meh! And yes, he just turned 17. We are both very young, immature, childish at times. I just have no clue how to make it work so both of us are happy, you know?

[janina]

Ah! That is a very good idea! Thank youuuu )))

[Kristin91]

Does he play the game when you're skyping because he needs something to do with his hands? My SO plays flash games when we're skyping because he is a very antsy person and he has to be figiting in some way in order to stay focused. However, if he's just doing it because he'd rather play than skype with you... well then I think you need to decide if you can deal with that.

[janina]

Hmm, no I'm sure he is not choosing the game over me since if he would he would rather not Skype me at all but yeah - he usually needs something to do while we Skype but it gets kind of tiring that he never can just sit down and talk, you know? :P or look at me xD

[PrincessJOE]

I think you could try to explain you would really appreciate it if you could have his full attention sometimes my SO is a bit the same, but with football on tv: we just avoid skyping during the game so he can enjoy it and when we are on cam he can focus on us. I think you could ask him something like this, so he wont feel like if you dont leave him space to do what he wants etc, and you two will also have some good time together.
When it happens we leave skype on during the game (or if he is cookin, or whatever!) i just do my own things like studying

As someone else said, just make sure to talk about it in the 'right' way without making it sound like a complaint hope it helps, good luck!

[Alsfia]

I'd just like to add that when you have discussed it in a mature and controlled way, make sure that you both stick to the compromise you hopefully will reach, help eachother to remember without accusing the other of forgetting and so on... Addressing the problem correctly and finding a solution is only half the job (speaking of own experience since my ex was a gamer and I started feeling neglected, we talked about it and reached a compromise but we never worked on actually keeping it up, which lead to me feeling more neglected, which caused more problems later on...) Onnea teille!

[Efox]

I am a gamer girl, and i can tell even being LFDRA couple, i sometimes can spend more attention to game, because being away and having so much in my life i cant handle, i put all time in gaming and forgeting that life is as shity as mine, my bf is gamer too, but unlike me, he does stop when i need him lol, id advice leave him alone 2 his game, n talk when hes not, ussually games have events, sometimes important, maybe thats why he gets defencive

[nicole]

My SO used to watch TV etc when we were skyping and it used to infuriate me! I mean there would be times when we were both doing our own thing and watch shows, but I'd get so annoyed when we were in the middle of a conversation and he'd start looking at the TV and being all vague with me, not really listening. I had it out with him and he simply moved into another room without as many distractions.

I think it would be a good idea to ask if you can spend 30 minutes on skype every so often without the games on at all. That way you get the attention you desire and then he's not stopping playing altogether. I don't think that is too much to ask for, even for a 17 year old boy. Or even play monopoly or something together online, that way he's got something to do whilst talking to you.

[Remy]

I'm a gamer, but if I'm Skyping at the time with my girlfriend she has my full attention unless we're playing a co-op game of course. I have a friend in which her SO chose his gaming over the birth of their first child so whenever I hear things of SOs gaming and the SO feeling left-out I get kinda growl-y. I would never choose a stupid video game over my SO.

This is something that NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED. You're feeling neglected. You need to bring these feelings to the table.

If he needs something to do while talking to you on Skype, game together. You're spending time with him, and interacting with him, and he gets that 'something to do' itch scratched. Win win! However, if he's continuing choosing games over spending time with another human being that is emotionally invested in him, you need to decide if this is something you can deal with or you ultimately will have to move on to someone whom will give you the attention you need.

Good luck!!

[janina]

Umm... well our problem was that he would play for hours and hours on end and he wouldn't really reply. Then when I tried to discuss it with him, he became defensive.. :/ and I knew he wasn't JUST busy with the game, it was also TV watching, and going out, instead of making a little time to talk to me. Which wasn't exactly nice buuuuut we sorted it out, talked bout it, cried about it, then lastly laughed about it and everything shouldn (hopefully!) be good now )

[Fudgee]

Why don't you also try playing a game with him? Of course it might be hard for you. But me myself is a gamer too and so is my boyfriend. I know for us girls online games and video games isn't our thing. But for me its fun or can be addicting sometimes but at least you get to spend quality time together. Just a suggestion though, but of course we always need a time together like talking. But don't call yourself a needy girlfriend. We girls needs attention. That's true!
As long as you both have time together in a day. When my boyfriend is playing he will just tell me he will finish his game first. And that's it. All attention to me now.