Thoughts on hanging out with the opposite sex while in a relationship

[texasgal]

Hey guys,

I would like your honest input. This thread may make me look bad but that's why I am coming to y'all before making any further actions. I'm sure every person has dealt with this issue before and well now it is my turn! What are your thoughts regarding hanging out with the opposite sex? Here is my 2 different stories/ things that are supposed to be happening this week.

1: I have a guy friend that I've known since we were little kids in school together. He moved away ( out of country actually) and is now back and wants to catch up by grabbing a drink at happy hour and some food. He does know about my bf and jsut simply wants to catch up. I really want to but telling my LD bf I hung out with another guy might be the end of the world. His culture doesn't allow for girls and guys to hang out as JUST friends. If you are interested in someone then you hang out with them and ONLY if you have intentions of taking it to the next level of asking her parents, ect. In the past, my bf would get all weird and upset and we'de have to have long discussions if jsut simply I was hanging out with a GROUP of friends and there would be guys there too or a guy that liked me. SO telling him that I would be hanging out with a guy friend alone? Umm, he wouldnt understand, would get crazy hurt and upset.

2: I recently moved into my first ever apartment complex by myself. It was a HUGE stepand super scary for me but needed to be done. Because it was my first time and I am young and a girl the apartment workers/management becamse pretty good friends with me, would call to check up on me and I would chat with all of them whenevr I saw them. One worker was a guy who whenever we would see each other would say hey and have a little chit chat and go on our way. I always thought he was a super cool guy, fun and easy to get along with. Attractive? No. I couldn't see a relationship with him.. we jsut seem like cool friends. He stopped working there and I wished him luck and congrats on his new job. about 2 weeks ago I was tlaking with the management at my apartments and they brought up the guy (Daniel). They said that he recently moved here from Colorado and has had a hard time making friends. He had a gf but they broke up because she was like a stalker maniac and since then he hasn't had anyone to hang out with because he isnt a drinker and most people make friends by college, clubbing, ect. H already went through college and isnt the clubber, drinking type. The management are all older ladies and he would jsut want to hang out with SOMEONE so when he was going to the movies he would ask the ladies there to join him, ect. They decided he needs to hang out with people his age, meet friends and so they asked if they could give him my number since I am out on my own for the first time and trying to meet new friends, ect. I told them yes. Well he called and said they gave him my number and wanted to know if I'd like to go to a baseball game because he has two tckets. I said yes but played it very friend like. No flirting or seeming interested. I would say things like, " sweet sounds cool! Count me in!" ect. and I would tell myself that at the game Ill ask him if he has anyone special and then I'll mention my bf ... but now I am starting to regret it. :/ Because my bf....

I don't believe in lying and hiding the truth. I believe in being 100% honest with the person you love and not hiding anythign from them. Jsut sometimes it feels like I have to in order to have a life or enjoy my time right now until we are together. My bf and i have fought over me wearing shorts, or having a glass of wine at my sisters place, ect because it goes against his moral values with which he grew up having, believes in and then its also the way of his country. I grew up that way too (very conservative) but am now branching out and growing up and choosing things for myself... I love hanigng out with people whether guys or girls and I know it can be difficult to have guy friends that are just THAT and that only that. I thought it would be fun and cool but now jsut am rethinking and questioning it. Is it wrong to go? Would it be even more wrong to not tell my bf? I know if I tell my bf, that without a doubt Im going to have to end up cancelling both outings which then I'll feel horrible for bailing on them.. but then I will feel horrible lying about my evening if I do go... :/ I got myself stuck and I need advice... Thanks guys!

[lucybelle]

I didn't read your situations, but my thoughts are generally if it's a longtime friend, then it's perfectly okay to be one-on-one. Otherwise, it should be a group situation.

Either way, you should never lie. If you know your SO will be uncomfortable with you in those situations you need to respect that. Have a boundaries conversation and see what your opinions are.

[conejita_hada]

Don't lie, that won't do either of you any favors. Talk to him about the situations and explain that these guys understand you have a boyfriend and that they are on the same page with you as just being friends. Your bf has a different culture, that's perfectly fine, it just means that you can't casually mention "I hung out with a guy friend last night" if you've never talked about a guy friend before. Despite cultural differences, two people in a relationship should be able to understand that each is coming from a different point of view and sometimes concessions have to be made. You shouldn't have to cut out people from your life if they bring no harm to it (only if they start trying to make passes at you or something).

My bf is from a country where guys can have friends from both sexes but it can be suspect if a girl has guy friends. We talked about jealousy issues and different-sex friendships early on, found out neither of us is the jealous type and we don't really care what the other does because we trust each other. In saying that, every relationship is different, and cultures are different, talk to him and let him know before you hang out with your guy friends. There's probably no need to be like, "Hey, I chatted with this guy in the hallway." But keeping the communication open and having a calm discussion can help clear the air if someone isn't yet familiar with the other's culture norms.

[Moon]

I think this is less of an issue with having male friends, and more of an issue with your being able to live under his "moral values". I understand the cultural differences, and while you're trying to respect his, he NEEDS to also respect yours. Are you OK with having to fight over a glass of wine? Wouldn't you rather decide for yourself what to wear? He must realize that the US isn't Africa, and those things are common here, just like having male friends. Cultural differences can definitely be worked through, but only when both people are doing the work. Just keep that in mind, and trust me that it's very important.

As for the male friends, there's nothing at all wrong with the first situation, the second might be a bit iffy though, he sounds interested. But, either way, if you have to lie about it, that's bad.

[texasgal]

I definitely agree with the lying part. I really feel uncomfortable with that and would probably break out crying on him if I hid it from him and the fact that I lied would hurt him even worse and therefore puts me in the wrong.

@moon: Thank you for what you said! I do feel a bit iffy myself about the 2nd circumstance whereas the first one I feel like that should NOT be an issue with my bf and need him to understand that one. So I will discuss it with him and maybe just tell the 2nd circumstance that I'm sorry but I can't come. Then again is it wrong to make new guy friends? I guess the problem with that is any new guy friend you make usually is interested in you.... and yes, as for the "living under his morals" , thats something I have been struggling with and working through. He also dos try to work on it. On not being so tight and pushing his morals on me. So he tells me its my choice but when I do it, the fights still tend to happen because he is hurt and feels weird. I guess that is an issue that only time itself will reveal to both of us on if it will actually work or not. I'm hoping that in person would make things different. That once he moves here he will understand better and see things in a slightly more relaxed way. Am I wrong on that?

@ Conejita_Hada , discussion is very key yes, I agree! The thing is that once he feels any negative feeling he is glued to that feeling and nothing I say can make a difference unless I say "okay" and choose his way. He is jsut very... firm... on what he believes is right and wrong. So then how exactly WOULD you discuss something like that?


@ Lucybelle: Thank you for your thoughts! I don't blame you for not reading it all! Its a LOT! hehe I do see what youre saying and I understand and agree with it. Thank you

[LittleBox]

I'm going to echo what Moon said, she's pinned it perfectly to it being a "moral issue". There might be a slight undertone of jealousy too. Its something that you definitely need to discuss with him frankly. Cultural differences aside, forcing your morals on someone is uncalled for. He has to understand that where you come from hanging out with people of the opposite sex is fine and he should have that level of trust in a relationship to let you have your free reign.

There's no reason why you can't be just friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Its not as if you're purposely going out of your way to seek guy friends to fill some kind of void. The first situation for example, seems perfectly plausible. The second might be a little tricky to navigate around. If its a struggle for the both of you now I'm not sure moving to be with you will alter the situation. Either way, you should let your boyfriend know and have a talk with him about this. Whenever I have to have a serious talk with someone I tend to hash through my points and make a note of things I want to discuss. It helps (:

[texasgal]

@commasplice: Thank you! I really appreciate and understand that! Is there a way you could tell me good point tos point out, ect. Like the proper way of discussing these type of things. I've tried in the past and it doesn't lead well and if the mistake is on my end because I'm not communicating well enough or explaining rightly then I efinitely could and wouldnt mind the help.

[Black_Halloween]

If you can't trust your SO, the relationship is going to fail. I have a couple of close male friends that I stay in touch with every so often. They have helped me through very hard times and I consider them my brothers rather than my friends. Daniel had accepted this and appreciates them. I have never thought of them in a romantic way and they've never thought of me that way either. If these male friends of yours are very close to you in that way, maybe try explaining that they're more like family, not friends.

[Jess!]

This is a matter of cultures, not a matter of being friends with the sex you're atracted to.
Well, two things:

1. You seem very respectful of his morals and culture
2. Therefore he should respect your values as well.


You can't give up your life and other important things for you for a partner, including going out with friends and drinking wine. I don't know if your bf is muslim, but it seems so.

Anyways...
Without being offensive, it's too sexist having a boyfriend not wanting you to wear shorts or minding your own business when it comes to drink alcohol. full stop.

Assuming you want to make this relationship work you have to tell him this. Either a) he makes an effort and respects your values and understands your culture and who you are, or b) you decide you can't actually live in a relationship like this, OR c) you accept this sexist behaviour and will be a submissive woman and eventually only doing what HE wants. I don't know him but I do know what religion does to individuals.

And he being from a culture/religion that seems to prioritize one gender above the other, seems that he has a greater impact on you, jugding your culture and stuff while it seems that YOU have to respect his. Well I'm sorry gurl but you should impose yourself...

Just "woman up"!

[conejita_hada]

@ Conejita_Hada , discussion is very key yes, I agree! The thing is that once he feels any negative feeling he is glued to that feeling and nothing I say can make a difference unless I say "okay" and choose his way. He is jsut very... firm... on what he believes is right and wrong. So then how exactly WOULD you discuss something like that?

I would probably discuss it how Jess! suggested, talk about respecting each others cultures and values. If you don't have guy friends then does that mean he doesn't have girl friends? Because double-standard isn't really okay. Personally, I would not accept what the other individual feels is right if it affects me and I don't agree. I'll argue respectfully and if that person can't handle it, I'm done with the topic and whatever implications that has. Think about what you really want and explain that there has to be a middle ground. I would preface the discussion with asking for no judgement to be made until your piece is said. It is hugely a moral issue but it also sounds like personality is coming into play - his idea of right and wrong is "the way". In that sense, I'd ask for no pre-judgement, say my piece, ask their opinion, try to rebuttal, and if the person cannot accept my stance, then I'd rethink how this affects the discussion outcome and implications in the outcome of the relationship.

[milaya]

In the recent years I have more male friends than I have female friends. I just feel more at ease with guys sometimes rather than girls. I have some really close female friends, whom I feel I can talk to about everything, but other girls often just makes me a bit nervous.
I'm currently working in China and all the foreigners at my work place are men. So I talk with them and go and have dinner with them. When I studied in Japan I also had closer male friends than female friends and even at times I went out to eat with a male friend, just the two of us.
I tell my SO everything about this. In the beginning he didn't feel fully happy about it, because in his culture it's not so often that girls and boys are just friends, but after we've been dating for some time, my SO realized that he has nothing to fear and he always says that he trusts me.

To be honest, the thing is I often don't really think of the fact that they're the opposite sex. I mean... I know they're guys, but even though I was single, I wouldn't date them anyway, because I'm not attracted to them, I just really enjoy talking with them. For me male friends just doesn't necessarily mean a possible romantic interest. So to be fully honest, I never really understood the whole problem with having friends of the opposite sex while being in a relationship. Maybe I'm just too picky when it comes to being attracted to guys... I don't know.

My SO can also have as many female friends as he wants (even though he's bad at talking to girls), I just told him that if he ever starts to feel attracted to a female friend I want him to stop seeing her.

[Dezface]

I agree with this being less about the friends, and more about this moral thumb you have to live under. Can you really deal with a lifetime of that (if it were to work out?) You say you're hoping he changes, but what if he doesn't? You can't be in a relationship that's conditional on someone changing a foundation of who they are. You have to go on the assumption that he'll always be the way he is and can you/do you want to deal with that?

As with the friends, I have male friends I would occasionally hang out with when I was home. Granted, I've been friends with them for a long time and they're not single. I think the first friend is a totally OK situation. The second one...maybe you could just be up front with him from the beginning. Give him a call and tell him you still really want to go to the game, but you've been thinking about it and you want to clear the air. Tell him you're not sure if he's aware you have a boyfriend and you just want to make sure there's no misconceptions. It will be awkward, but it's either that or cancel really. I just don't think you should go when he might misconstrue it as a date.

[rubydissolution]

I agree with everyone who posted. You need to talk with him about respecting your moral standards as you respect his.

As for the friends thing. I ran into this problem with my ex. He would get extremely jealous of me hanging out with my guy friends. Granted some of them were ex bfs, but that was wayyyyy in the past. Whenever me and a friend would hang out and I would tell him he would get jealous and this would lead to a huge fight. So, I started lying about who I was hanging out with. Which was fine, but I felt a little guilty. When he moved here I couldn't do that anymore, and honestly I had never felt so alone. True I had my SO but I missed my friends. Not being in contact with (bc texting a phone calls were also an issue with him) someone you have counted on and hung out with for years was so hard. When we broke up, my friends took me back like nothing had happened. Friends stick around long after relationships end. So don't let your SO do this to you. Talk to him and be up front about it. Its not fair that you have to shut out people you love and care about because of his jealousy/moral standards.

[TwoThree]

I think this is less of an issue with having male friends, and more of an issue with your being able to live under his "moral values". I understand the cultural differences, and while you're trying to respect his, he NEEDS to also respect yours. Are you OK with having to fight over a glass of wine? Wouldn't you rather decide for yourself what to wear? He must realize that the US isn't Africa, and those things are common here, just like having male friends. Cultural differences can definitely be worked through, but only when both people are doing the work. Just keep that in mind, and trust me that it's very important.

As for the male friends, there's nothing at all wrong with the first situation, the second might be a bit iffy though, he sounds interested. But, either way, if you have to lie about it, that's bad.

I can't give this post a reputation, so I might as well type it in here.

REPUTATION'ED!

[Malaga]

Lying might tide you over while you're long distance, but what happens when one day you eventually close the distance, will you just cut off your long-term friend and your other male friends? You both need to find a common ground if you want it to work.

Personally I'm divided about male/female friendship, I do think it's possible but under a specific set of circumstances. I have a few male friends, some of which I've known for 20 years, and some I met recently through other people. I hang out one-on-one with my long-term male friend, but I don't allow the friendship to become particularly close. We meet for a drink every few weeks to catch up on our lives and comment on recent events, but we keep it at that. We're also both in a relationship and we've met each other's respective SOs.
(I used to hang out with more guys but I did a cull around the time I started this relationship because I realised they weren't 'true' friendships, they were basically just hanging around waiting for me to put out (Nice Guys). It wasn't fair to anyone and I had no time for potential drama.)

I would be OK with my SO having a female friend like that.

I wouldn't be OK with him having a female friend who is very much involved in his life and with whom he shared everything, no matter how long they've known each other. This would be pretty much emotional cheating in my perspective, or emotional two-timing. Some things are just inappropriate when you're in a relationship, even if they're not textbook cheating. I wouldn't demand of him to choose or anything, but if you choose to have an exclusive relationship with someone, then you have to update your priorities, and sometimes it means drawing firmer boundaries with other people in your life.