Thoughts on hanging out with the opposite sex while in a relationship

[Tooki]

Yeah, don't lie.

[Goyangi]

I have guy friends. My SO has girl friends. But we've developed a mutual courtesy for our relationship in which we have defined that one on one time with friends of the opposite sex is generally disrespectful to the other. My SO would never ever stop me from hanging out with a friend on the opposite sex by any means, and I would never stop him either. But even as someone who has a fair number of male friends I would consider close, I don't see why I would need "alone time" with any of them.

While the above is my personal opinion, I would advise you to not lie to your SO. Not only because a successful relationship is built through trust and honesty, but because it may come back to bite you. It's one thing to do something because you don't believe it's wrong, and are open about it - hiding it implies you know it's wrong but are doing it anyway. Whenever I wonder whether or not I should do something that may affect my SO's feelings, I ask myself how I would feel if he did whatever it is I'm considering. Would you be okay with your SO hanging out with a female friend and keeping it a secret from you?

[kiara_silver]

I'm more with lucybelle on this one. Im okay with my SO having female friends, but if he's going out I prefer it to be a group thing. We went to a flat party recently and that's fine, but if he went to her flat and it was just her I wouldnt be okay with that, I don't like anything that could be to intimate for my taste even if nothing happens, but that's just me. The 2nd situation you wrote sounds like it's to much of a date to me, even though it's not that way. I would feel uncomfortable if my SO went out with a girl he doesn't really know one on one. But then I may be a little possessive, I don't like my SO talking flirty or being to friendly and we had a big thing on this last year.
I would always be honest with your SO though and talk to him about this and how you feel, communication is key, and figuring out what works for both of you.

[BabyGund]

My only advice is that you should never go into a relationship hoping someone will change. That's a recipe for disaster.

[abna1]

(...) my thoughts are generally if it's a longtime friend, then it's perfectly okay to be one-on-one. Otherwise, it should be a group situation.

Either way, you should never lie.

I agree !

As for the cultural thing.. This is a bit tricky. I don't necessarily agree that he must realise that the US isn't Africa and that it's common, so he should just back off. Africa is also not the US and as strange as it sounds to you, that he doesn't like you wearing shorts or drinking alcohol, it's strange to him because where he lives people simply don't do that. It's all about what you grow up with.
Now of course I don't know how "strict" your SO is about this and it also depends on whether you are with him in his country or at home.
I always visit my SO in West Africa and when I'm with him, I don't wear shorts. Not because he won't let me (he would, if I insisted), but because I respect that women shouldn't show their thighs (Men shouldn't either by the way, but thankfully they don't wear booty-shorts anyway ) I would disrespect myself and my SO in his community. When I'm back home I go back to wearing shorts.
We talked about things like this. He told me he would prefer if I wore long pants when going out and also explained to me that woman don't show their thighs because they are seen as a very sexual part of the body. So people will think of you differently than they would in the US or Europe because it's not seen that way there. Therefore he doesn't mind when I wear shorts here.

In your case, your SO seems to have a strong opinion on that, if you've had fights over it.
To me, being in a relationship with cultural differences is about BOTH of you understanding and respecting each others culture.
So if it's one-sided and you're the only one making the effort to understand, then I don't think it's okay and you need to make that clear to him.

[Black_Halloween]

Nobody is going to like me after this comment but oh well. SHUT UP about this stupid "culture" excuse because its just that, an excuse. Anybody can act that way. If you can't trust your SO to be able to keep their pants on and hands to themselves when alone with the opposite sex who they are friends with then you really need to reevaluate if you trust your partner or not. I get being a little jealous but to say "you cannot hangout with your friend alone" is horrible. My SO acted that way once when I went to visit a very good -male- friend in NYC and believe me he never acted that way again.

He is jealous and insecure. You need to communicate with him and he needs to find a way to deal with it.

[Tooki]

Nobody is going to like me after this comment but oh well. SHUT UP about this stupid "culture" excuse because its just that, an excuse. Anybody can act that way. If you can't trust your SO to be able to keep their pants on and hands to themselves when alone with the opposite sex who they are friends with then you really need to reevaluate if you trust your partner or not. I get being a little jealous but to say "you cannot hangout with your friend alone" is horrible. My SO acted that way once when I went to visit a very good -male- friend in NYC and believe me he never acted that way again.

He is jealous and insecure. You need to communicate with him and he needs to find a way to deal with it.

Be thankful that you're dating an American because culture clashes can be a genuine issue, like they are here for OP. My GF's culture is somewhat similar to mine but we still have cultural issues, even 2 years later. It would be even worse for the OP because religious factors come into play too.

Nonetheless, both parties need to respect their differences and compromise.

[Ejoriah]

The only thing I would want to add is that you seem to be very respectful of his culture - is he respectful of yours? I come from a different country and I understand that the way you are brought up defines how you see the world, to a certain extent. However in a relationship BOTH people need to talk and reach a compromise on their cultures. If he just expects you to do whatever he says because his word is law, that's not fair on you.

[ThePiedPiper]

Nobody is going to like me after this comment but oh well. SHUT UP about this stupid "culture" excuse because its just that, an excuse. Anybody can act that way. If you can't trust your SO to be able to keep their pants on and hands to themselves when alone with the opposite sex who they are friends with then you really need to reevaluate if you trust your partner or not. I get being a little jealous but to say "you cannot hangout with your friend alone" is horrible. My SO acted that way once when I went to visit a very good -male- friend in NYC and believe me he never acted that way again.

He is jealous and insecure. You need to communicate with him and he needs to find a way to deal with it.

Anyone can act that way but we all have different motivations and there are different levels of acceptance for it amongst different cultures. For example, your SO didn't like you travelling alone to go see a male friend, okay, and it likely came down to jealousy and insecurity. The OP's SO feels the same way and yes, some of it is likely related to jealousy and insecurity, but take nudity for example. Nudity is seen in an entirely different light in many European countries (or at least it has been in the past) than it is seen in America. Someone in the midwest might look at a French commercial (and I use French commercials only because I have been shown them) that, say, features a pair of breasts and think that it's incredibly vulgar and resent it for that reason. Someone in a more forward state might look at the same commercial and wonder why not everyone can be so lax about nudity. Someone in France might not even think twice about it, so if someone in France talks about loving the commercial that features breasts and her SO in the midwest gets cranky about it because it goes against his moral values, while there might be some underlying feelings about it that aren't related to culture, some of it is, because that same person could go tell someone in another state about it and might find agreement. This is similar to the SO's ideas of wearing shorts, hanging out with other men, etc. If it's not that common where he lives and if it has negative connotation and consequences where he lives, then regardless of jealousy or insecurity, part of it is going to come back to culture.

And I still like you.

I've been following this thread but had to share on the culture bit.

[texasgal]

Sorry i'ts taken me so long to respond to everyone! first off thank you guys for everything that each one of you said. I know each person is different in how they would handle situations. Yes lying is wrong no matter what and I told my boyfriend about the situations. As for culture what a lot of you said is true and trust me I know where he is coming from and understand him especially since I grew up very conservative too. He met me when I was still living at home and following my parents rules and he liked " who I was" .. and now he doesn't so much. .. so for the opposite friend issue, I know people get jealous and insecure. I know I would be jealous a little bit if he were to hang out with a girl alone but the thing is that I do trust him to stick up for us, control himself and to be faithful to me. So in the edn I would be fine with it. For instance a girl at his college asked him for school help once. I did feel jealous but I trusted him adn thought it was sweet of him to help her and he went and helped her! Nothing bad ever came out of it and everything was fine. It's all about trust and faithfulness to each other... So when I brought up the guys he didn't like it of course and surprisingly said I could go and it was my choice. I didn't end up going because I knwo he will be sitting at home all worried and I really deep down was afraid something wrose might happen between us despite waht he said. A few things bothered me though when we talked about it. He was hot and then cold when talking about it. He said that he doesnt agree with it because say he was to hang out with a girl what if they were caught up in a moment or he developed feelings for the "friend" and they end up doing things together. I was blown away and like, " Sooo you are saying there is a possibility that IF you were to hang out with another girl that you guys MIGHT end up doing something together? You don't trust yourself? So thats why you are afraid of ME hanging out with someone? Because you don't trust yourself?" and then I went on to say that I fully trust myself to stand up for our relationship, I would never cheat on us and can say that without a doubt. So really in the end, it boils down to his insecurities and lack of trust which honestly sucks. He of course was like, " no! Thats not what I meant!" but had nothing else to say in regards to it accept its not good for guys and girls to hang out alone because they can cheat or something bad can happen.

AS for the shorts and culture issues , we really really are trying to work through them. We've discussed me wearing them here and not in his country and that people here view it differently and I'm not wearing hoochie ones with my butt cheeks hanging out but he still doesn't agree. That women should have a certain standard of modesty and thats what he wants in his future wife. He views women who wear shorts and show their thighs as women who are 'easy" and want to get laid with no regards for God. I argued that fact and brought up little girls who are taught about God and have the Sweeetest hearts but wear shorts because their parents were fine with it. Does that mean when they grow up that they don't care about God and want to just get laid? No. And then to take me? He knows me and who I am and why I would want to wear shorts.. would he see ME as a girl who jsut wants to get laid and had no regards for God? Its a personal standard that each person decides for themselves and should be respected. He said that since we can't come to a conclusion on it that for the time being I can wear shorts if I want to but that he'd have to end up holding it inside and being quiet and he wouldnt be happy about it but would learn to deal with it. Then in the future when we are closer to marriage and he wants to propose that he would sit down and discuss it better and decide what to do and maybe be used to it by then. I was like, " nuhuh. We need to discuss it now. I won't be in a relationship for another 2-4 years only for him to just then decide to talk to me about it, possibly still not figure this out, him deciding that I don't meet his standards of what he wants in a partner and to leave me. You don't set things like that aside and wait to see if they will change. You discuss and figure it out now. Needless to say he just told me its my decision and he won't say anything else on the matter... which I don't like but I don't have much of a choice right now. ....... IDK

[TwoThree]

I just wanted to say kudos for sticking to your opinions and not just letting him get his way. Good luck for the future.