I'm at my wits end and don't think I can do this anymore. :'(

[texasgal]

A lot of you guys who have read my previous posts know that my bf and I have been having issues due to morals and a mix of culture. I just.. don't know if I can take it anymore or how to discuss it anymore. Not a day goes by without something "wrong" that I've done is being brought up and.. I'm tired. I just sit there and cry and can't move. I crazily love him and I really don't want to give up but.. I'm tired and I don't know what to do anymore. :'( Its like he is SOO insecure and doesn't trust me.


The latest issue that we had was over a guy friend. I've knew him in second grade where we were in the same class and super close! He moved away and then cam back in my 10th grade year where we were like best friends and really close. He moved away AGAIN due to his family being missionaries. Well he came back a year ago and we keep small contact here and there. He knows about my bf and we've had no problems until 2 days ago. I was talking to him about my bf and then asked my guy friend if he had anyone special or was talking to anyone. I said I was surprised. He asked me why , so out of the PUREST innocent FRIENDLY form I told him that I was surprised because he is a cool and fun guy and also a firefighter and girls dig the guys in uniform. Literally that was it! The friend was like, " are you flirting with me?" I told him no and once again I have a bf. He laughed and said okay.. well then yesterday my friend decided to try and go sexual on me. We had exchanged our cell numbers to text bc chatting was sucking. I told him " Guess who!" and he ended up saying something really crazz about " Is this the blonde girl with the hot butt who I want to take a booty shot from?" I was like, " WOOAHHH! Not cool!" .. He then tried talking sexually and I was like, " No if you want that you go to some other girl and do that and when youre ready to talk to me normally and not when you're horny, then you can talk to me. I have a bf and those are things that are saved for him and him only because its way more special and amazing that way. If thats the way that you are then cool but you won't get anythign from me." I ended up crying really hard because I felt lkike I had jsut lost a friend and was shocked and upset. I told my boyfriend about it and his response? His response wasn't Im so sorry! Douch bag guy! Thank you for sticking up for us!" ... What did I get? I got that what can I expect when I talk to guys the way that I do by giving them compliments, how could I have texted him? Yeah my bf will try and get over it and get used to the fact that i talk to other guys and give them compliments" ( he said all of that sarcastically) .. he then went on to say that he is hurt and jsut hopes I can see what I did wrong.............. I was actually SO proud in how I handled myself and happy that I stuck up for us. I told my bf that I COULD have talked sexually with him. I COULD have met up with him many times, I COULD have flirted but I DIDNT. I stood up for us and told the guy no to take that elsewhere .. My BF jsut doesnt see that and jsut thinks that its my fault. Nothing I could say could make him feel better about this.

So yeah.. jsut no matter what I do its jsut never ever good enough and it hurts soo soo bad and I'm tired.. I want to jsut escape to a beach or secluded place and jsut have quiet and peace for the next month until I've rejuvenated. Instead of being happy.. I'm seeking out solitary places! I seek out the libraries where it is quiet and I curl into a ball and escape into a book where no one can bother me, I seek out swimming pools to just lay there and feel the sun and forget, I seek out parks where I can go on long walks and have no one disturb me and I can just here the wind.... This isnt healthy and I don't know what I can do anymore besides either shape myself into his perfect mold and do and say everything he wants like a robot, give up on us and walk away or keep trying and trying HOPING for a breakthrough.

Yes asking for space is ua good thing but I wish it was that easy. The few times that I have asked for space and a few me days he goes crazy adn thinks that we are falling apart and calls me 17 times in one day and gets mad that I'm not picking up and so I give in and talk to him. He will say that he is sorry to call like that, ect but that relationships don't need breaks and the couple should work through it and he was going crazy with worry.. so yeah. Breaks aren't really an option either.

OH and to top it off ... CHERRY!... he got an isntagram yesterday and the first thing he did was add all girls. I mentioned that it was interesting and a little funny. I know two of the girls but who was this one in particular. So I asked how he knows her. He told me that a few months ago when we were having a phase in our relationship and had for the first time taken time off.. that it was a girl he was talking to, found on a dating website and yeah.. get it? its fine that he talked to her, I understand but the fact that he didnt tell me? I was open about everything during that time but.. he hid it. I said that hurts and what does she mean to him now? And he said it was a horrible time in his life, no he didnt cheat but he contemplated it and he hates that time of his life and that was the girl he was talking to. I was like, ' OH!" .. and then he said that he wishes to forget that time and he really doesn't want any contact with her. I was like, " So you don't want contact with her but yet she is literally one of the first five people you add on Instagram? I don't care if you talk to her because I trust you but.... those two sentences really jsut don't go together and I'm not understanding this. If you don't want to have ANY contact with her then why is she still your fb friend, yall talk and you add her on other social forums? You have a lot of other friends you could have added but shes liek the only one beside 2 other girls.".. I know he isn't cheating.. I know him!.. just if anyone should be hurt and confused right now.. its me! Not him over the fact that I have a guy friend that I told to buzz off.

I'm just.. tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I"m tired of being the bad guy who always needs to fix herself for something " bad" that she did. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not being good enough or meeting expectations I am tired of trying trying trying to communicate or be a better girlfriend for him... I'm tired. I don't want to give up because I lvoe him... but I don't think I can take anymore. AS soon as something happens I just curl up in a ball and cry and hear myself saying that I can't do this anymore and a BIG part of me is jsut given up..... I really wish Long Distance was our only obstacle. Long Distance is hard enough and I miss him and want to be with him like CRAZY! I get soo sad seeing other couples holding hands and kissing and I'm here alone but I know its worth it in the end... jsut this added? I don't know waht to do anymore.

[lucybelle]

I didn't read your whole post, but I wonder why you told your SO about what this guy said at all? I would never do that, it's almost like you wanted him to get jealous. You insisted this guy was a friend, and then guess what? He wasn't. Your SO was right after all. Now, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to hang out with the opposite sex, but you obviously need to cut talking to this "friend".

If you want to continue in this relationship, you two need to have a calm conversation about boundaries. And it should be equal on both sides. If he's not okay with you chatting with guys, he shouldn't be on dating sites chatting with girls. Honestly, you both sound like you need to figure out what you want in a partner and if your SO currently has that.

[texasgal]

I told him because I was upset and crying. He asked me to tell him everything so I did. I already cut off talking to the guy. The guy isn't the issue here. Its the fighting and problems that come up. I didn't do wrong in talking to my friend, I didn't even go and hang out with him and the friend clearly knew my position and I ended it there... yet that didn't matter to my bf. `He didn't see any "good" that I did in that circumstance and just .. yeah.

[rubydissolution]

I read just about your entire post and honestly the only advice I can give you is to walk away from this relationship. He holding you to a double standard where he can talk to girls and you can't talk to guys. This situation with your long time friend can't be pinned on you, bc how were you supposed to know it was going to end up the way it did? You handled it properly, you shut the guy down and stopped talking to him. Telling your SO was all your call, I think everyone would have handled that differently. His response to that was over the top. Maybe he was just angry, but he should have in no way blamed you for someone elses actions. Did he ever apologize for the way he behaved that night?

I also find that his persistence when you ask for a little space is a red flag. I think from time to time we all need a little me time. He should respect that, its not even always that there is a problem in the relationship its that you want time to yourself for a little while. My SO and I take time for ourselves regularly, where we go out and do things with friends and family when the other isn't present. One of us will go away for a weekend and such, its time for ourselves....but it doesn't say there is something wrong in our relationship because we shouldn't spend every waking moment together. That's not a healthy relationship that's a dependant relationship.

I would think long and hard about whether you can deal with this sort of jealous and smothering behavior from your SO. It's only going to get worst from here.

[Goyangi]

I don't know what you were expecting from your SO... A pat on the back for staying faithful? If he was insecure before, this incident would simply underline the fact that the men in your life, who you swear up and down are "old friends" and "super close" and whatever have different intentions than you. You're demanding he trust you that these friends are purely platonic, but then let your SO know that these purely platonic friends clearly think otherwise. I find it strange that there were no prior red flags to the sudden sexual conversation... I have a feeling you probably neglected to realize his flirtatious behavior sooner and/or led him on. Also, you said your SO was talking to a female during a "break/'phase'" in your relationship... Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the boundaries of a "break" a little more unclear than when not in a break? You said you're upset that he didn't let you know that he was "talking" to someone... Yet (perhaps my memory is false) in your past thread you mentioned having drinks with a different male friend and hiding it from your SO. This is the second thread I have read from you, and you have been mightily defensive in both. If you truly thought you weren't guilty of anything at all, then I don't think you'd spend so much time trying to convince everyone that there's no way you're in any wrong. You push the blame into his side about him being the insecure one, yet you are analyzing the people he added on Instagram. ...I don't have an Instagram, but that seems like an awfully trivial thing to work yourself up about. Just some food for thought.

Bottom line is, you're unhappy in your current relationship. And it seems like your need to talk/hang out with all these seemingly platonic male friends is trumping your desire to be in a relationship. You say you care about his feelings, but it hasn't stopped you from continually crossing his lines of what he believes is okay/not okay. You're not willing to compromise with him and he's not willing to compromise with you = you both need to decide whether or not your relationship is worth compromising for, and if you decide it's not, do yourselves both a favor and get out of it.

[Moon]

I'm not going to try talking about the rights and wrongs of this particular incident, other than to say you don't seem very intuitive of people's intentions towards you, but what it comes down to is that sometimes all the love in the world doesn't make a relationship work. If you're unhappy with the situation, the double standards, and the way you're being treated, then it's time to go. You've already discussed this numerous times, but it just isn't working, so there aren't a lot of other options, other than being miserable. If you're incompatible, there's not much else that can be done, so now you need to decide if it's time to move on.

[libelle]

I agree with Goyangi. I want to add that what he did might not be necessarily considered douple standards, because it sounds more like, from the chronology of the events, that he is trying to get you in his shoes and make you jealous for once too.

[Dziubka]

I think I read most of your post and I don't really understand it either.

Your boyfriend's reaction was obviously stupid. I would consider someone sexting me out of the blue sexual harassment and if my boyfriend got angry or even jealous over someone harassing me, I would be seriously disappointed (and tell him to move to Saudi Arabia or Dubai, where they share his believes).

I think it's weird that you're proud of how you handled yourself, though. Was it that hard for you to resist? From what you wrote it sounds like you didn't want the friendship to go any further, so not reacting upon the sex texts is normal. What am I missing here?

I have to agree with Moon, that it's obvious you're not happy and there doesn't seem to be a working solution for your problems.

[Chlo]

You say you care about his feelings, but it hasn't stopped you from continually crossing his lines of what he believes is okay/not okay. You're not willing to compromise with him and he's not willing to compromise with you = you both need to decide whether or not your relationship is worth compromising for, and if you decide it's not, do yourselves both a favor and get out of it.

I agree with this.
My SO is also from Africa, and we have came across something similar with the culture differences. We have spoken about it and agreed we'd both try to not either flaunt it infront of one another, if we do see other male/female friends, or simply make the situation easier by being with a group of friends. We do things like try not to intentionally talk to the opposite gender so that neither of us become jealous. It's nothing to do with trust, since we both trust one another, it's just a culture thing for him, and that's fine by me. Others may have different opinions, but this is between me and my SO, just as yours should be with you and your SO.
It's all about compromise at the end of the day, and if you both cannot come to a suitable one which doesn't make the other unhappy, then I'd say it'd be sensible to end the relationship.

[texasgal]

Sorry, i know my rant is all over the place.... and I really appreciate the time you guys take and Im sorry for my complaining.

No, I was jsut proud that I stuck up for myself. Normally I am jsut a quiet person who doesnt really stand up. No I wasn't tempted by the guy, no I didn't lead him on. The only things we would talk about our day and how the other is doing and then he randomly started saying these things and I told him to take it elsewhere. Im jsut proud that I didn't stay quiet and its jsut something by bf and I have discussed before about how I am too nice and let ppl get away with things. Thats all I meant by it. I wasn't expecting a pat on th eback and to be babied or anything. I didnt' realize I shouldnt tell him I was jsut having a really rough day and he told me to tell him everything and I jsut sobbed the events of my day out. I didn't even go into details until he specifically asked about that event. If anything I thought that he woudl understand and be somewhat happy that I was like, " Hey I have a bf take that elsewhere". Me personally I would have been like, " thanks baby! " and feeel special that I'm his girl adn no other girl can have him. I won't go to him about those things and tell him and I'm learning so thank you. I jsut didnt expect to be found for yet another fault that I had no intention of doing and didnt start. You guys all have guy friends that you say hello to here an there do you not? Does that mean you were leading him on by you guys saying hello? No. Normally I know this isnt a big thing... just it feels like another fault I got found wrong with.

As for the other thign, I was jsut ranting okay? I told him its perfectly okay that they are friends and that they had talked and Im glad he had someone there for him during that time. Just the thigns that he was telling me didn't line up about their now current relationship and I felt like I needed an explanation. Not the other way around. I didn't understand how he could get mad at me for talkign to a guy friend Ive known for YEARS and had no intention and did nothign wrong with compared to him still talking to a girl he actually "dated". I don't care that he is talking to her just he shouldnt get onto me for something he obviously is doing which in my personal opinion is " more wrong". I was open and tell him about EVERY guy I have the smallest convo with and yet he is "hiding" that hes talking to this girl that he once dated. He even admitted that he didn't tell me and should have. I jsut meant that i feel like the situation is always put back onto me no matter what it is and Im just tired of there being soemthing "wrong" with what I do or who I am over something that isn't really wrong and he does himself.

I'm really sorry for my rant and I will stop <3 Thank you guys for your words. I probably just need some me time. I know a lot of what I said didn't make sense and I sound crazy and like I have a lot of issues. I am sure it gets tiring which I am really truly sorry for. Thanks for all of the advice and opinions.

[Zapookie]

To be honest, It feels like your SO is not ready to handle a relationship. I think you both kind of need to grow up a little, away from each other, and figure out what it is you want from a partner. A relationship is supposed to bring you happiness. This isn't what you're getting from him. Your SO is supposed be someone who can build you up to be a better person, support you, love you, communicate with you, cry with you, all in the same breath. I think once you start getting upset frequently over things other than the distance, you know its either time for a big talk, or time to walk away.

[Dezface]

Sorry, i know my rant is all over the place.... and I really appreciate the time you guys take and Im sorry for my complaining.

No, I was jsut proud that I stuck up for myself. Normally I am jsut a quiet person who doesnt really stand up. No I wasn't tempted by the guy, no I didn't lead him on. The only things we would talk about our day and how the other is doing and then he randomly started saying these things and I told him to take it elsewhere. Im jsut proud that I didn't stay quiet and its jsut something by bf and I have discussed before about how I am too nice and let ppl get away with things. Thats all I meant by it. I wasn't expecting a pat on th eback and to be babied or anything. I didnt' realize I shouldnt tell him I was jsut having a really rough day and he told me to tell him everything and I jsut sobbed the events of my day out. I didn't even go into details until he specifically asked about that event. If anything I thought that he woudl understand and be somewhat happy that I was like, " Hey I have a bf take that elsewhere". Me personally I would have been like, " thanks baby! " and feeel special that I'm his girl adn no other girl can have him. I won't go to him about those things and tell him and I'm learning so thank you. I jsut didnt expect to be found for yet another fault that I had no intention of doing and didnt start. You guys all have guy friends that you say hello to here an there do you not? Does that mean you were leading him on by you guys saying hello? No. Normally I know this isnt a big thing... just it feels like another fault I got found wrong with.

As for the other thign, I was jsut ranting okay? I told him its perfectly okay that they are friends and that they had talked and Im glad he had someone there for him during that time. Just the thigns that he was telling me didn't line up about their now current relationship and I felt like I needed an explanation. Not the other way around. I didn't understand how he could get mad at me for talkign to a guy friend Ive known for YEARS and had no intention and did nothign wrong with compared to him still talking to a girl he actually "dated". I don't care that he is talking to her just he shouldnt get onto me for something he obviously is doing which in my personal opinion is " more wrong". I was open and tell him about EVERY guy I have the smallest convo with and yet he is "hiding" that hes talking to this girl that he once dated. He even admitted that he didn't tell me and should have. I jsut meant that i feel like the situation is always put back onto me no matter what it is and Im just tired of there being soemthing "wrong" with what I do or who I am over something that isn't really wrong and he does himself.

I'm really sorry for my rant and I will stop <3 Thank you guys for your words. I probably just need some me time. I know a lot of what I said didn't make sense and I sound crazy and like I have a lot of issues. I am sure it gets tiring which I am really truly sorry for. Thanks for all of the advice and opinions.

No one said you're crazy and have a lot of issues. That's you projecting that onto yourself. Which, I think is why you're letting this guy toss you around. Truthfully, from everything you've written, he sounds like a control freak who's one bad day away from taking it to the next level. He treats you badly and you're letting him. Double standards are never OK. He acts as if you're his to control while he gets to do whatever he likes. A guy like that is unlikely to change. I would have been out of there in half a heartbeat.

[ThePiedPiper]

No one said you're crazy and have a lot of issues. That's you projecting that onto yourself. Which, I think is why you're letting this guy toss you around. Truthfully, from everything you've written, he sounds like a control freak who's one bad day away from taking it to the next level. He treats you badly and you're letting him. Double standards are never OK. He acts as if you're his to control while he gets to do whatever he likes. A guy like that is unlikely to change. I would have been out of there in half a heartbeat.

I agree with this. I'm surprised everyone has automatically jumped to demonizing the OPer for some of the mistakes she's made, which I feel are fairly common. However, getting pissy every time a male friend is brought into question (yet friending only females on Instagram), blowing up someone's phone 17+ times a day when they ask for space, and constantly re-framing situations so that it's the OPer's fault and he's absolved of blame... Maybe it's only because I've been in a relationship where you stop being able to do anything right and become almost scared to open your mouth, to the point getting to a place of no phone or internet service is a welcome relief, but that's not a healthy situation for anyone. Could she change some of her behaviour? Yes, but changing that behaviour won't make her boyfriend any less of an abusive dickhole.

@OPer: I honestly think it's time to consider walking away. I agree with Moon and Dezface. You're in a situation where someone treats you like the crap on his shoes, walks all over you like a doormat, does not respect you, and yet can do whatever he wants. It's only going to get worse as time goes on, and I can tell you, when your partner starts driving you to isolation... There is no going back after that, because when you finally reach the point of confidence and assertion to realise that their behaviour has nothing to do with you, by the time you backtrack and walk out of the woods to give them what for, you stop and wonder what the hell it meant to love the person you're looking at. By the time you gain enough self-esteem to confront the issues, and see them for what they are, you end up stupified and dumbfounded, wondering why you ever could have been attracted to someone who treated you like that in the first place. My opinion is consider seeing someone, so that you have someone to talk to and work through these issues with, because I don't know if you sound like you're at the point you can leave and stay away (trust me, dealing with 17+ phone calls a day isn't easy, especially when it carries on for weeks), but I do think you need someone objective to talk to about this. Because this is an abusive relationship. And it will get worse if you stay in it.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with this. I'm surprised everyone has automatically jumped to demonizing the OPer for some of the mistakes she's made, which I feel are fairly common. However, getting pissy every time a male friend is brought into question (yet friending only females on Instagram), blowing up someone's phone 17+ times a day when they ask for space, and constantly re-framing situations so that it's the OPer's fault and he's absolved of blame... Maybe it's only because I've been in a relationship where you stop being able to do anything right and become almost scared to open your mouth, to the point getting to a place of no phone or internet service is a welcome relief, but that's not a healthy situation for anyone. Could she change some of her behaviour? Yes, but changing that behaviour won't make her boyfriend any less of an abusive dickhole.

@OPer: I honestly think it's time to consider walking away. I agree with Moon and Dezface. You're in a situation where someone treats you like the crap on his shoes, walks all over you like a doormat, does not respect you, and yet can do whatever he wants. It's only going to get worse as time goes on, and I can tell you, when your partner starts driving you to isolation... There is no going back after that, because when you finally reach the point of confidence and assertion to realise that their behaviour has nothing to do with you, by the time you backtrack and walk out of the woods to give them what for, you stop and wonder what the hell it meant to love the person you're looking at. By the time you gain enough self-esteem to confront the issues, and see them for what they are, you end up stupified and dumbfounded, wondering why you ever could have been attracted to someone who treated you like that in the first place. My opinion is consider seeing someone, so that you have someone to talk to and work through these issues with, because I don't know if you sound like you're at the point you can leave and stay away (trust me, dealing with 17+ phone calls a day isn't easy, especially when it carries on for weeks), but I do think you need someone objective to talk to about this. Because this is an abusive relationship. And it will get worse if you stay in it.

I agree with all of this. I couldn't have said it better myself.

[TwoThree]

I agree with this. I'm surprised everyone has automatically jumped to demonizing the OPer for some of the mistakes she's made, which I feel are fairly common

RIGHT? What's up with that? I'm really baffled here.

OPer: Your profile says your SO is from Africa, and judging from what you said about him in this thread and in the other one (how he berates you for wearing shorts and drinking wine) I think it's safe to assume that he is from NORTH-Africa, because that type of person sounds awfully familiar to me.

I do not believe he will get better and more understanding. If anything, if you give in to him he will probably only get more abusive and controlling. It doesn't sound like he respects you as a human being and an adult.

You sound utterly miserable, and when a person feels like they need to get away somewhere quiet just to be able to cope with the stress of the relationship, then it really doesn't bode well. Get rid of him.