Possibly never closing the distance?

[Benni]

Recently, B and I were talking and he says he doesn't want to marry again nor have anyone living with him. Now, I am of the same mind. I've lived alone for 16 years and prefer it. BUT, I have brought up the possibility of my moving there, getting my own place, so we can see each other maybe each weekend or whatever we both are comfortable with.

However, he didn't seem too keen on that idea. He didn't say yay or nay, he just pretty much changed the subject and I let it drop -- for now.

I don't want to keep doing this visiting twice a year, for 2 weeks, forever! I'm to the point that even though I wouldn't actively seek out someone else, I think if I met someone here (or closer) I would seriously consider choosing that relationship over this one.

In 19 days, I will be with him for 2 weeks and I'm wondering the best way to bring this up to him without making each other uncomfortable. Or, maybe, it would be best to talk about it when I come back home. I don't know -- I'm feeling conflicted right now.

Any feedback from you great peeps?

[lucybelle]

Umm, not cool. I understand not wanting to marry someone, but not wanting to live with your partner? Not even wanting to live *near* your partner? Is that something you're okay with? I certainly wouldn't be!

[Benni]

No, I'm not ok with it, that's why I posted the question. I'm just not sure whether to discuss it while I'm there and risk us fighting and being uncomfortable for the rest of the visit -- or to wait and see how things go this trip and bring it up after I return home.

[Kristin91]

I always find conversations are more productive in person. However, I think you should only bring it up with your SO if you feel it's the right thing to do. I think he needs to know how you feel.

[Zephii]

I'm a big believer in that you should be able to talk to your SO about anything without fear.

With that said, maybe it's just too soon for him? You's have not been together very long, and even less in person, maybe it's not about never closing the distance, just not now. It's a big thing knowing someone moved for you and maybe that's not a responsibility he is ready for just yet. So go into the conversation gently, ready to accept a "No no, just not now".

[Verojoon]

I just said good bye to my SO after a 2 week visit. We had some big issues during the visit that I didn't want to bring up or to really work out because I know it usually takes us a few days to work out issues from a distance and didn't want to waste my precious time with him... but instead, we had something kinda hanging over us during that time, and then when it finally blew way up, we were able to really talk and hold each other and cry and feel what the other person means so much stronger than by text... and that day it took us to solve the issue, we ended up cancelling a big birthday bash I had set up for him... and it didn't feel like a waste of time... it was such a strong relationsship-affirming experience to go through something that felt really relationship-ending and doing it in the way we did... Good luck dealing with your issues, I think it may be a little harsher in person, but it can also be so much better...

[MattDavies86]

That is strange considering your in a relationship, I may be a tad young but I would still think you'd like to be together, even if it's just in proximity.

[Dezface]

I would talk about it while you're there. While I think its usually easier to bring up tough topics with a disance buffer, I don't think it's conducive to getting things solved.

[Mairja]

Ugh Benni, reading this makes me so uncomfortable and suspicious of your SO, even moreso in light of one of your other recent threads. I guess I can understand the not wanting to get married or live together, but why wouldn't he want you to live close? That doesn't sit well with me, I cannot imagine someone genuinely loving another person and not wanting them to at least live nearby. I absolutely hate to say it, but it seems to me he might be perfectly content with being in a relationship with barely any strings attached whatsoever (that's hardly a relationship in my opinion) - and I know for sure I at least would never be content with something like that. In my opinion, you two have known each other and been in a relationship long enough for him to have a fairly good idea of what he wants, especially considering he's not some 18 year old boy who has a "real" girlfriend for the first time.

I have a lot more I would like to say about this, but I'm worried about being overly negative and hurting you, seeing as I'm still new here and don't really know much about you and your SO. I do think you should talk to him about this though, even if it means you risk starting an argument. It's not fair of him to keep you at a "safe" distance - not just emotionally but quite literally, even - only to pull you in whenever he feels like it, if you get what I mean (I'm sorry, English isn't my first language and sometimes I express myself in a rather clumsy manner). You clearly aren't happy with this, you said so yourself. And I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to want to clarify all this with him.

Edit: I kind of missed the actual question you asked here - whether to tell him when you go to see him, or wait until you get home. If it were me, I'd bring it up while visiting. You're both adults, and surely he should be able to discuss this with you in a rational and calm manner, assuming you don't throw accusations in his face but bring it up in a rational and calm manner yourself. However, if you honestly believe there's a good chance of him getting angry to the point where it ruins the trip, then maybe you should wait? Although if you really think that's what's going to happen - well, that's not a good sign at all in my opinion.

[BabyGund]

I'd bring it up while visiting...but be prepared for him to say "no". As far as why he wouldn't want you close by, the reason I think of is the reason why I have some trepidation about moving closer to my SO...what if it doesn't work out? Now I've uprooted my life and my daughter's life to move away from family to a foreign country! You need to answer the question on whether you would move there despite him and would you be happy there despite him...I can't say the same yet.

[libelle]

I am a very straight-forward person and I like bringing up any issue and solving it right away. Seeing as you are meeting so soon, it sounds like a perfect opportunity to have that talk then, in person. If this discussion doesn't ruin your visit through a fight, it will by being on your mind all the time and not letting you really enjoy the moments with him.. But no one said that it IS for sure going to ruin the visit if you go through with it, you said he didn't say no or yes, was it the first time you brought it up or was it just this time that he didn't respond? Maybe he isn't ready, maybe he has other plans in mind .. A talk is the best way to find out Good luck!

[Mairja]

It's highly likely I was being overly pessimistic and negative in my first post, I just found it odd how he apparently didn't want to talk about it at all. No matter what his opinions and possible reasons for not wanting you to move might be, he should be able to share those opinions and thoughts with you. Surely the two of you will be able to talk about it when you go to visit him?

[ThePiedPiper]

It's highly likely I was being overly pessimistic and negative in my first post, I just found it odd how he apparently didn't want to talk about it at all. No matter what his opinions and possible reasons for not wanting you to move might be, he should be able to share those opinions and thoughts with you. Surely the two of you will be able to talk about it when you go to visit him?

I don't think you were, and I agree with everything you said. I might be contradicting what I've said in the past (can't remember and don't care to be stingy by looking), but while I don't think a year in certain contexts is enough time to know you'd be happy spending your life with someone, I do think a year is enough time to know whether or not the relationship is one you want to seriously pursue.

Benni, you shouldn't be afraid to talk to your SO in person. So what if you have a cloudy couple days on the trip? I have found they sometimes happen whether you talk about the big issues or don't, unless you're the sort of person who can easily sweep them under the rug until you want to look at them again, which you might be; I tend to obsess. But thing is, putting on a smile for the sake of a better trip isn't going to be what gives you a better trip. What gives you the best trip is going to be the one you approach with honesty and authenticity, not to mention that some topics are better discussed in person. What concerns me is his not even speaking about you specifically but saying he doesn't want to get married, live with someone, or live near someone. It concerns me as much when he called/implied you an internet girlfriend. It could be that he's simply looking for something less committed and with no strings right now.

[Malaga]

I don't think it's wise to consider the idea of moving to him so soon after he cheated and dismissed you like he did. You decided to give him another chance, fair enough, but this should now be a time of patching things up and rebuilding trust - he should be trying to act more mature and considerate, and trying to prove to you that he's taking this seriously now. And frankly he doesn't sound like he's changed his approach to your relationship, he's still keeping you at arms length and avoiding any commitment. You are rushing ahead, trying to plan for your future together when his attitude points out that he still considers this as casual as ever. Let him prove himself to you, and if he can't or won't, well then you can't compensate for it.

Good luck xx

[Mairja]

Malaga, you pretty much said exactly what I wanted to say - only reason I didn't bring up the cheating issue directly is because I'm so new here and don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, or step on any toes.