Mental health, ultimatums and who should visit first?

[helena9523]

Hi folks,

I was wondering if anyone else has a SO that suffers from clinical depression and If so how have you handled it being far apart from one and other. Are there any tips I could have, as my SO since losing his job he's sunk into a deep depression which causes him to sleep a lot and become very distant. Is there anything that anyone can help me with in order to help him or better deal with the situation?

Has anyone else ever had to do an Ultimatum in their relationship? How did you bring it up? and what time duration did you put on it?

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 months and we planned on meeting for our birthdays or for Christmas but Now that has changed and it could be 2 or more years before we might meet and even then we can't agree on who should visit first cos we don't want to ruin traditions and plans with our families. So who do you think should visit first? Should I visit him first or him visit me? I'm 18 and He's 21 and I personally think it should be him but due to things out of our control I might be me visiting him first.

Can anyone give me any advise and guidance?

Thank you

[kteire]

Ultimatums are not a good idea, and they backfire. Why do you want to give him an ultimatum? Don't issue one, talk to him if you have issues.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice for dealing with depression in an LDR as I was only diagnosed after my SO and I closed the distance - but your SO does need someone to talk to about his depression other than you. Can he see a counsellor or social worker to have some separate support? It'll put a huge strain on your relationship if he doesn't have an unbiased person to help him through.

As far as who visits first, it hugely depends on the situation, like who could afford to, who is willing to, and who has the better living situation for it - at least that's what affected things for me and my SO.

ETA: Why don't you try to plan for not a special event if it's an issue?

[helena9523]

Thanks for your reply.

I don't want to give him one if I can help it but it's getting to the point where he isn't making an effort to make plans to see me anymore and constantly making excuses as to why he can't and saying it might be 2+ years til maybe we can meet and it's a long time and a lot of effort. I'm always talking to him about issues but mostly he brushes them off or changes the subject.

I've told him to talk to someone but he refuses to he says their his problems to deal with and doesn't want people feeling sorry for him. His seen counsellors in the past and it doesn't help him just makes him worse. I know it will put a strain on our relationship it already has cos he acts different and will spend periods of not talking to me just sitting there quietly and sleeping all the time.

As it stands I'm the only one who can afford it, We're both willing to but money and family play a huge role. I mean as for living situations we've both good for that, however he lives in a house with 12 other members of his family while I only live with my parents and brother.

I've mentioned that but it still always comes down to money and family and where to meet. I told him I was willing to come for summer but my parents won't let me and I don't know where he's going to be next summer and or if he'll be working and i'd be spending alot of time alone.

[LadyDaemon]

Handing out ultimatums is not a good way to go about dealing with issues in your relationship. You need to talk to him about it and have a little compassion and understanding. Especially when it's someone battling depression. You want to help him,not make him go even more distant than he already is. You have to understand that people who deal with clinical depression find it really hard not to shut down and become distant when they're going through a bout of depression. I know from experience because I have clinical depression myself. You need to be there for him by reassuring him you're there for him and if he needs to talk then listen to him. That's all you can really do or suggest that he find a therapist to speak with. But really though,give the guy a bit of a break,he just lost his job and doesn't need you handing down ultimatums and making it worse. Also,you'd be better off probably visiting off holidays because tickets during the holidays are expensive anyways. So you probably want to travel during off season. Besides,why does it matter who visits who first? This is like a stand off at the O.K coral between two 5 year olds or something. One of you decide who's in a better position to do the traveling and go see the other. All that should really matter is the fact that you get to see each other.

[helena9523]

I'm not saying I would trust me it's the last thing I want to do to him. I'm always trying to talk to him about it but like i mentioned before it just gets brushed off or he changes the subject like he hopes they just go away. I know what it's like to battle depression i've been battling it for 10 years myself, but I'm always open to him about it and try to get things off my chest so they don't build up but he doesn't talk to me about it at all and it's hard to help or do anything when he won't open up to me no matter how much I beg. I know he just lost his job I was there when it happened and I knew what was gonna happen to him, but i've been helping him look but it just seems like nothing is good enough for him and it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I've been struggling with my depression for a few months now and I know it's hard to not shut off and ignore everything, but I can't do that cos I need to be strong for him cos I don't want to see him go through what i've seen others go through.

I have thought about that, I mean our 1 year anniversary it 3 days before valentines and I get a week off from school the week after so I did think of visiting for then. Because My parents won't let me they tell me they don't trust it, me traveling all the way to the States on my own when i've only left the uk once for 3 days to go to paris. I even said i'd pay for him to come over and visit but he won't even except that offer. we've both got things that make it hard to visit as stated before, with money, work, school, living situation......

[digitalfever]

If he refuses to seek help then there isn’t much you can do. You can’t force someone to want better for themselves and mental health in the U.S.A is seen and dealt with very differently than in the UK. Personally, I think the UK is more open to discussing it and puts forth the idea that everyone should seek help if they need it while in the USA I’d say there is still a lot of stigma around being depressed or having any sort of mental illness.

Anyways, I wouldn’t discuss an ultimatum with him per say. I’d suggest having a serious conversation with him and letting him know that you want to see where the future is going to take you. Discuss your goals and what you want within the next 2-3 years and sort of paint a picture for him. In essence you’re going to say “This is where I see my life going, I want ....this this and this to be in my life, id like to do this and that, and id like to be at this stage...” and then you’re going to add “I’d like you to be a part of my life but can you see yourself in it?”

You’re in a long distance relationship and don’t really have the luxury of liking one another and “seeing where this all takes us.” You guys have to discuss what you want, if you’re on the same page and figure out how to make this relationship work for the both of you. You haven’t met so I would say that if he can’t definitively choose a time, a place and go through the process of purchasing a ticket then he may not be worth all this effort. If someone wants to see you, wants you apart of their life and wants to be a part of theirs... then they’ll put in the effort.

[lyonsgirl]

IMO, ultimatums should never be an option. No matter what. Not even a "last resort" kind of thing.

As for everything else, I concur with the others.

[helena9523]

Mental illness does seem more acceptable here in the uk then in the US. But it's like how long will this continue with him, it's hard dealing with it cos I always feel like it's something to do with me.

I wouldn't plan on saying anything to him about them, we've had them before but lately all we seem to do is watch about two maybe 3 movies. talk for about 30-40 minutes about complete rubbish then I go to sleep. I'm always telling him that I can't imagine my life without him and I can't wait to go places with him and see the world, get married, have kids and have a proper family. But we don't talk about that kind of thing together anymore, atleast not like we used to in detail.

I know, lately that's all I think about is, is it worth all the effort on my part when he puts so little in this part. I don't want to break up with him cos I love him with all my heart but at the same time i don't want to put all the effort in to just be shattered in the end. And it's that constant, Do I or Don't I? It's a catch 22 situation.

[katkoota]

(this is long, sorry :o)
When I met my SO, he was suffering of manic depressions since some years. (i know its not like clinical depression :|) I didn’t have experience dealing with depressions, so he just asked me to bear with him and support him. I did as good as I could.

After some months it became worse and worse, where i was asking him if he was still taking the medication for it, and he was. In 7 months he turned from a sweet, open guy to someone who closed himself completely off, sleep all the time and when he was not sleeping he was rude , aggressive and fighting with everyone for the least..

I was telling him to go see the doctor again, because obviously the medication was not doing as it should. And all I got was him saying "I don't have to go see a doctor, I am on this medication for years I know what I am doing." or say he would go, and eventually not going.
I stayed supporting him, let him sleep when he wanted and not to push him to talk about it. But one time, we had a fight, he really crossed a border saying things and accusing me of things I could not forgive him... though I knew that normally he won’t say those things...

I could not stay anymore, it was hurting and affecting not only him but also other people around him and was still refusing to go get help. So I gave him the ultimatum to go see a doctor;. He still refused,... I felt bad tho leaving him like that and afraid I made it worse. 3 days later he called me to say he was sorry, that he would go see a doctor, and to not give up on him because he really is a good guy and he would prove it , and that he doesn’t want to be without me ... I told him, "Ok go see a doctor, and after you did call me again..." The day before his doctor visit I called him because I knew he was nervous about going. And tried my best to be there for him.

Now he is good, I won’t say that he doesn’t have depressive moods anymore, he still has, but the periods are shorter and not as extreme as be4... The difference between him 1.5 years ago and now is massive... He told me he didn't expected to feel again like he is doing now... He also started to see opportunities and a future again and started working on it. And i know this is a very big step for him.

Putting ultimatums is a bad thing, when a person is trying to get help for his problems and tries to get over it; or at least when trying to make effort. But a relationship still contains 2 people, you have feelings 2 + building a future together and working to it, you can't do alone.
But you also should be patient and wait for him to take steps, if he just lost his job its normal that he is in a low mood, and he should get a chance to think of where he wants to go in life and what to do next, without being afraid of losing the person he loves... Him losing the job also created an extra obstacle into meeting/closing the distance ,. I don't think this is a time for ultimatums. I would more go with what digitalfever suggested.

As for who should visit first, in my opinion the person who is best capable of doing so. My SO is in Egypt and I am in Belgium. I got to meet him in 2011. Due to the continuing unrest in his country and my dad thinking my SO and his family were going to kidnap me :P :P we didn’t get to meet yet; I got my dad into skyping with my SO, now he is over the kidnapping stuff xD

I normally was going to go in June. But because there were national protests announced to outs Morsi, my SO told me not to come because he could not guarantee my safety. It got postponed to July, then again postponed to September, and now it got postponed again due to the on-going unrest... X_X Its almost 2 years and we didn’t get to meet, and maybe a third year following... But we know we will be together. Well hopefully : D, But for now we are both not giving up

[kacie]

I have thought about that, I mean our 1 year anniversary it 3 days before valentines and I get a week off from school the week after so I did think of visiting for then. Because My parents won't let me they tell me they don't trust it, me traveling all the way to the States on my own when i've only left the uk once for 3 days to go to paris. I even said i'd pay for him to come over and visit but he won't even except that offer. we've both got things that make it hard to visit as stated before, with money, work, school, living situation......

You are 18, so your parents cannot stop you visiting him, you can plan the trip and tell them where you'll be staying and the flights, give them contact numbers and everything, but if it's your money and not theirs then it's up to you if you want to go and meet him.

[helena9523]

I've begged him to see a doctor about it but He has no health care to go see one and doesn't have to money to pay to see one so it's no hope really. The only time he's not depressed is when he's doing something like working with his uncle or fishing. But when he's goes to his uncles he's gone for 2-3 weeks at a time and the only way we can talk is via text, I can't call him cos it's expensive and even if I could he wouldn't ask cos his scared of his family finding out.

My whole family knows him but only my mom has spoken to him, she likes him but still isn't very trust worthy with the traveling, plus not being able to talk to his family and see what there like nerves me alittle too.

The times is a issue for meeting, but I guess what worries me more is if he loses interest in meeting all together or meets someone else, He says he don't talk to other girls but it's not him I'm worried about it's them. I can't be there to keep them away, I can't tell his sister or mom or brother to keep them away from if they start flirting with him. I'm stuck where I can't control anything I can't predict anything that could happen. I remember the first time I started worrying was when his sisters best friend was texting him alot and wanting to hang out and it was like "great, I'm gonna lose him to her who he can actually see regular who his known longer then me, gets on with her family well" but She's only 16 which stopped me worrying. But then he went out for a meal after his sisters graduation and saw someone he knew from high school, a girl, and his whole family said she's very nice and was hinting at him to talk to her more and I burst out crying cos I can't do a thing to stop that, or his family from saying that stuff.

I know it's my choice and I want to book it to see him. I think about all the time, but they have my passport and have refused to give it to me if I go over there. I can't win with them.

[princessmaria]

I've told someone else on this forum before the same thing, but right now I think you need to care less about your romantic relationship with your SO and work more on the platonic side of your relationship with him. When people are going through stressful or bad times in their life, sometimes it's best just to be there for them. It's almost selfish to be more worried about yourself right now than you are worried about him. Clinical depression is a pretty horrific, and terrible thing to go through. You wouldn't be helping by giving him an ultimatum or putting pressures of your romantic relationship on him. I seriously doubt he even has the energy to dedicate any strong feelings to that. Clinical depression can make people extremely apathetic and right now is just not a good time to be trying to work on your relationship. Be his friend, talk to him. Make it a point to try to make him smile or be active throughout the day, and just be patient. If you really love him you can wait for him to get better.

edit: My mother was clinically depressed for most of my childhood. It's not an easy thing to deal with and it's almost impossible for another human being to pull someone else out of depression. That person has to pull on their own strength and overcome it themselves, but it's very possible for you to be a shoulder and aid him along the way.

[helena9523]

He knows I'm always here for him and I'm here to listen and comfort as best as possible. I know things ain't gonna get better over night. But it seems the only time he is happy is when he's at his uncles but he can't stay there all the time because he says it's not fair on his uncle or me to be away for so long. He has the opportunity to move up near his uncle with his mom and siblings but he won't cause of arguments it will cause because all they do is argue, but where he is at the moment isn't good for him as he can't leave the house often and he can't get a job cos of having no way of getting there. So this makes it worse for him.

I told him I'd be there for him through everything and I'd always wait for him no matter what happens. I do all I can to make him laugh and smile and be active during the day as much as he can.

I do my best to do as much as I can to take his mine off of things, but I fear he's still carrying scars from his previous relationship which turned into a Long distance relationship after she moved away and treated him extremely badly and was so mean and cruel to him. Honestly I've never met the girl but I know enough about her to know what she did and how she treated him was uncalled for. I don't ever want to be or sound like her, So I support him and send him little things to make him smile when his down.

Has anyone dealt with this before? Scars and fears from past relationships?

[LadyDaemon]

I do my best to do as much as I can to take his mine off of things, but I fear he's still carrying scars from his previous relationship which turned into a Long distance relationship after she moved away and treated him extremely badly and was so mean and cruel to him. Honestly I've never met the girl but I know enough about her to know what she did and how she treated him was uncalled for. I don't ever want to be or sound like her, So I support him and send him little things to make him smile when his down.

Has anyone dealt with this before? Scars and fears from past relationships?

I have with my current SO,it's why we broke up the first time. The girl he was dating not long before me was a live-in girlfriend and though she had been cheating on him for a while with someone on the server we worked on,it still hurt him a lot when she didn't even have the decency to say goodbye to his face. She just packed her crap up one day while they were gone and got in her car and left. He was devastated and really depressed. We tried to have a relationship but he wasn't over it yet and so we broke up because he didn't want to hurt me with still thinking about her and dealing with what she did. So we remained friends until we got back together last year. She was awful to him when they were together. She was always talking down to him like he was a piece of crap and pretty much treated him like a slave who she would make go get stuff for her whenever she wanted it. It was terrible.

When it comes to this sort of thing,it's the same as helping him deal with his depression. You just try to be there for them. Men are very macho most of the time and don't want their women to see that they have weak moments or weak spots so they hide away and deal with it themselves,or at least they try anyway,until they feel like they've got it handled and then they come back around. My fiance does it to me ALL of the time. Anything that bothers him or makes him depressed he doesn't like to talk about with me. He likes to handle on it his own in his own time and I've had to learn to just accept that and let him do what he's gotta do. Because realistically when I deal with my issues the same way most of the time,I can't really say much lol. It wasn't really until I got together with my SO that I started to come forward about my issues battling with clinical depression and old past relationship scars. Even now though he doesn't push me about it,he just lets me talk when I want to. But before that I wouldn't tell anyone squat and I would deal with it on my own. Just give him time and a little space and see if he comes around. You have to remember that clinical depression for most people is like a war raging between you,yourself and I in your head and the only one that can really do anything about it is the person themselves.

[helena9523]

That's exactly how she treated him, She'd always be like "If you don't visit me this weekend, i ain't talking to you for a week" And he missed so many occasions (birthdays, picnics, days outs...) with his family. Which is why I always tell him to go do stuff cos he'll regret it.

When we first started talking he was still with her, but they hadn't talked in weeks and I was still with my ex though same story we hadn't talked for a week and He was abusive and rude and was only after one thing but I couldn't leave cos he threatened me. Until I finally told him I'd had it and if he didn't leave me alone i'd call the cops,, by this point me and My SO had already been together a few days and he knew about my ex but I didn't know he was still "technically" with his. They never saw each other or texted and I only found on by doing some in depth research on him and finding his facebook with them still in a relationship. I didn't say anything to him cos i trusted him to tell me when he ready. They were still together for about the first month and a half of our relationship, before he finally told her it was over. It didn't bother me overly because I knew they weren't talking cos of stuff she was posting on her facebook and other social sites.

We both came from tramatic relationships, mine lasting alittle over two months but his 4 and a half years. We've both only ever had 1 past relationship each so not the most experienced of couples. But it was love at first sight for the both of us. It was very weird at first cos we both looked like each others exs but now we don't see it and try not to think about the past, but his scars run so much more deeper then what mine do. We were both in rough places when we first started talking, but then things changed we both started to feel great when we were talking and together and everyone around us started to notice.