Feeling a little anxious about being an LDR again.

[spirsci]

Hi All!
I'm Kayleigh. I'm brand new here! I'm glad I've found this forum.

So I guess I'll get right into things. My husband, Sam, and I have been together since 2009. He was previously living with me in America for about 2 years from 2011 to this past May when we both went to Holland, where he is from. We tried to get him a green card while he was living here, but just couldn't save up the money required. Now, according to the Visa Waiver Program between Europe and the USA, I can only stay in Holland for 3 months out of every 6 month period. I went to Holland in May, and have been back in America for about a month now, hating every second of it.

I, personally, am living with bipolar disorder, which only makes the highs and lows of LDRs even more extreme. I have recently decided with Sam that I should begin my engineering study here in Connecticut so that I have more options for immigration when the time comes for me to move overseas. My issue is that I have this overwhelming feeling that I am making a huge mistake by committing myself to 4 years of rigorous study here, when I can barely stand 5 minutes of being here at all. All I really want to do is situate myself in Holland, and then figure out my study.

I mean, I know that it's smarter for me to just bunker down and study here, but I am just feeling so desperate to get back to Holland, and back to Sam, where I am happy (without medication).

Has anyone else ever had this kind of dilemma? I'm just very... idk, down I guess, and I don't know what to do, if this feeling of making the wrong decision will pass, if I should tell Sam about my doubts...

Thanks for any feedback.

xox
Kayleigh

[lea22]

I had no choice but to leave for 4 years, and the best thing for me personally was to do something productive like study.

Leaving to me was the hardest thing I've ever done as I was so unhappy back here (in my home country). But let me tell you, I'm half way through that 4 years (which went soooo fast), and I have a plan to get back and nothing will stop me reaching my goal!

I think you know deep down that sometimes we have to do what's best, rather than what we want. At the end of the day, it's all about your mind frame - think positively and look at it for what it is, a temporary separation while you make yours and his life better.

I know you have bipolar and I completely sympathize with you and how this makes it harder so I wish you all the luck with getting better. You'll find a lot of supportive, lovely people here who I'm sure can advise you on how they deal with their illness and the stress of a LDR.

[Hollandia]

My SO is Dutch and I am American. We have been living the 90 day in and 90 days out way of life since 2011. It is hard because both our countries make it so hard for the other to live there and in fact both make it difficult to even visit. The USA gives him a hard time and the Border control has me so freaked out after this last visit that I am flying into Dusseldorf next time. I feel your pain. It really sucks.

[spirsci]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I am feeling so much better from when I posted this thread. I was having a bit of a rough night of missing Sam, haha.

Lea22 - It really helps to hear from someone else in a similar situation that the time has gone by quickly. I was worried that it would feel like AGES until I could see him every few months. Thank you so much for your support! This seems like a great forum, and something I should definitely keep up with throughout the next 4 years!

Hollandia - Ugh, immigration and visitation rules make me craaaaazy. I'm really glad you replied, because you know my frustrations EXACTLY with the Dutch & USA immigration regulations. Schiphol gave you a hard time about visiting? Wow! Luckily, I've never been looked at weirdly at border control in Schiphol. When I left, I was even crying and blubbering like an idiot, and the officer understood, haha!

[Hollandia]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I am feeling so much better from when I posted this thread. I was having a bit of a rough night of missing Sam, haha.

Lea22 - It really helps to hear from someone else in a similar situation that the time has gone by quickly. I was worried that it would feel like AGES until I could see him every few months. Thank you so much for your support! This seems like a great forum, and something I should definitely keep up with throughout the next 4 years!

Hollandia - Ugh, immigration and visitation rules make me craaaaazy. I'm really glad you replied, because you know my frustrations EXACTLY with the Dutch & USA immigration regulations. Schiphol gave you a hard time about visiting? Wow! Luckily, I've never been looked at weirdly at border control in Schiphol. When I left, I was even crying and blubbering like an idiot, and the officer understood, haha!

When I go I stay for almost the max allowed each time. I have done this several times and so I send huge red flags up to them. They ask me if I live there and how I will pay to stay this long and why are you coming here so often, and they tell me they don't have to let me in and I call supervisors over to debate whether or not to let me in. My SO's dad is a respected business and he offered me his business card to provide to them and my SO told me to give them his cell phone number, but they don't get it. They don't care. They are afraid I will try to stay and eventually be a drain on the economy. They don't care what your reasons are if you come in that often for that long ,they know something is up. I started telling the truth and it really makes no difference, they look at it as a BF not a husband and so you could still end up penniless and draining our country. I think next time I will dump my purse on the counter full of credit cards and hope for the best.

This being said, me and him and his parents have now decided we need to mix it up a bit and start landing in some other countries.

[Katy31]

Why can you not get a visa to go and stay with him in The Netherlands? I haven't looked into it in that much detail, but I was under the impression that its quite easy to get a visa for The Netherlands if you are married to or in a relationship with somebody who has permanent Dutch residence. You don't even need to be married. Check out this website and see if it helps... https://www.ind.nl/en/Residence-Wiza...s/default.aspx

Once you have a visa, there are many universities in The Netherlands that offer engineering courses in English. I would organize where I was going to study before going though!

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best!

[Hollandia]

Why can you not get a visa to go and stay with him in The Netherlands? I haven't looked into it in that much detail, but I was under the impression that its quite easy to get a visa for The Netherlands if you are married to or in a relationship with somebody who has permanent Dutch residence. You don't even need to be married. Check out this website and see if it helps... https://www.ind.nl/en/Residence-Wiza...s/default.aspx

Once you have a visa, there are many universities in The Netherlands that offer engineering courses in English. I would organize where I was going to study before going though!

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best!

I am from USA and so I am bound by the Schengen Territory agreement also. Anything past those 90 days would require a residence permit. These residence permits must meet certain qualifications. Her's would be for family re-unification. It does not matter that they are married, her sponsor, her husband has to be able to prove he makes X amount of money to support her and for her not to be a drain on the economy in order to obtain one. If she is a student, her school would apply for it for her and again she would have to prove she had Y amount of income. I have scoured that website looking for loopholes, they don't have any. The only exceptions they offer are for people seeking asylum, and USA does not qualify for that one either.

[spirsci]

Hollandia - Oh my gosh! How rude! The only thing that should matter is that you haven't broken the rules, so they have no reason to think you may. AND considering you spend money in their country, stimulating their economy, they should not be giving you a hard time. Good luck flying to Dusseldorf!

Why can you not get a visa to go and stay with him in The Netherlands? I haven't looked into it in that much detail, but I was under the impression that its quite easy to get a visa for The Netherlands if you are married to or in a relationship with somebody who has permanent Dutch residence. You don't even need to be married. Check out this website and see if it helps...

Once you have a visa, there are many universities in The Netherlands that offer engineering courses in English. I would organize where I was going to study before going though!

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best!

Hollandia is right. We're bound by the Visa Waiver Program, so we're not eligible for extended tourist visas either. I think it's different coming from South Africa, because of the past colonization of Dutch in South Africa. Similar to why travel between Indonesia and the Netherlands is fairly easy, as well as New Zealand.

[Hollandia]

Hollandia - Oh my gosh! How rude! The only thing that should matter is that you haven't broken the rules, so they have no reason to think you may. AND considering you spend money in their country, stimulating their economy, they should not be giving you a hard time. Good luck flying to Dusseldorf!



Hollandia is right. We're bound by the Visa Waiver Program, so we're not eligible for extended tourist visas either. I think it's different coming from South Africa, because of the past colonization of Dutch in South Africa. Similar to why travel between Indonesia and the Netherlands is fairly easy, as well as New Zealand.

They look at me as "high risk" because I have so many long term stamps for NL.