What do I do with this?

[Moon]

I don't see this scenario working the way you want it to, sorry about that. I think you need to wait until you've turned 18, and can legally make your own choice. You also need to get a job, like now, and start saving for your own ticket. As a parent, I can tell you that there's very little chance I'd be paying for a plane ticket and hotel, plus using up that much vacation time, so my kid can visit their online boyfriend/girlfriend. Do you all, who are suggesting this, realize how much that costs??? Yeah, we want our kids to be happy...within reason. That is not a reasonable suggestion.

I'm sorry your parents are making this so difficult, you're just going to have to wait a bit longer, I think, and take care of it yourself, when you can.

[Tjabby]

Drag your mom with you! If you're saying she's totally up for that you should get 2 tickets right now before she changes her mind. I'm sorry about your dad though :/ But at least one of them is willing.

Well, it's either both of my parents or none, sooo I have to drag them both with me if anything.

[Tjabby]

This sort of reminds me of my own story. Me and my SO didn't meet until two years of dating long distance, and during this my parents had very "opinionated" views. He hadn't told his side yet, but they found out and fortunately supportive. But what happened with us was, first he waited until we were 18 so he could go legally on his own. He saved up, saved a ton, and paid for his own flight, and stay. And always had his phone so he was able to contact his parents when he landed and where he was.
But if my SO hadn't come to me we wouldn't have been able to meet. I was the girl he was the guy, to my parents he was going to kidnap me, use me, been lying to me, and was not who he says he was. So my mom chaperoned our visit. And it went great for us, my family realized he was who he said he was, and they may not like the whole long distance and were wary but they let us be together. I would keep pushing for your mom to come with you and try to book things while you can and she's supportive. And maybe try to keep pushing for your parents and his to have a skype chat. But also even though it means more waiting wait and save up till your 18 just in case?

I hope and wish you all the best, hope things work out!

Well, I turn 18 in february so I will be 18 by the time we're meeting, and I do already have enough money of my own, but even though I'm 18 I think my parents would just stop me somehow.

[Tjabby]

I don't see this scenario working the way you want it to, sorry about that. I think you need to wait until you've turned 18, and can legally make your own choice. You also need to get a job, like now, and start saving for your own ticket. As a parent, I can tell you that there's very little chance I'd be paying for a plane ticket and hotel, plus using up that much vacation time, so my kid can visit their online boyfriend/girlfriend. Do you all, who are suggesting this, realize how much that costs??? Yeah, we want our kids to be happy...within reason. That is not a reasonable suggestion.

I'm sorry your parents are making this so difficult, you're just going to have to wait a bit longer, I think, and take care of it yourself, when you can.

Well, I'll be turning 18 in february before the flight, and even now have enough money for myself to buy the tickets, so that's not really a problem. But I don't know... I don't think my parents would do anything different because I'm 18.

[Hollandia]

Well, I'll be turning 18 in february before the flight, and even now have enough money for myself to buy the tickets, so that's not really a problem. But I don't know... I don't think my parents would do anything different because I'm 18.

When you are 18, it is no longer up to your parents. You will be an adult. If you wish to be treated as one, you will want to act as one. If you want to go and can afford it yourself when are 18, there is nothing stopping you but you. Your parents should realize this and if not you might wish to politely mention that to them. You will be old enough to vote and go to war, if you want to jump a plane to see your love then you should do it. I think that possibly they are also afraid you will want to move there at some point and/or get your heart broken too, this is unfortunately something us parents have to allow our children to do once they become adults.

[az.cmart]

Hoping this doesn't double post... my internet is being weird...

I'm going to try to look at this from your parents point of view, because while you may be turning 18 you will still most likely need your parents support through the next stage in your life. Even if you need to zero financial support going forward the transition from teenage to adult can be tough, and you will want your parents emotional support. So let's see how we can make this work AND not piss of your parents

The big red flag to me is that you will be going alone (and I'm guessing staying with your SO's family?). It's not very likely that your parents would be able to travel with you. Have you checked if any of your friends can join you? Have you checked into student volunteer/travel organizations? If you can travel through an organization then your parents can feel that there is a "real adult" to help you!

Also I'm guessing your parents have little faith in your relationship. Look at it from the worst case scenario, if you break up with the trip still have been worth it? I would say probably yes. Frame it to your parents as a life experience and something that will set you apart from the herd in future job/school/internship interviews. Also Turkey is definitely growing as a world power, learning more can only be good!

Another thing is maybe they are worried you do not have this planned out well enough. I'm not saying you haven't looked into all these things but have you really shown your parents how serious you are about this trip? Do you know what your options are if you have an emergency and go to the hospital? Who covers this cost? How/when will you contact home? Do you know how to register with your embassy in Turkey? Do you have a credit card you can use there just in case? Do you need to apply for a visa or just get one upon arrival? Do you know to buy pro biotics because you will not be used to the local bacteria? Do you have every vaccine you need? Will there be any extra taxes in Turkey you will be subject to? Do you have an app/guidebook with enough translations that if you get totally lost alone you can ask how to get back to your girlfriend? How will you travel around, what type of public transport is there? Do you know of all the cultural "do's and don't's" ?

I'm realizing this sounds very negative, but you are asking a lot of your parents to happily send you off to a new country on your own! Hope this helps!!!

[Tjabby]

Hoping this doesn't double post... my internet is being weird...

I'm going to try to look at this from your parents point of view, because while you may be turning 18 you will still most likely need your parents support through the next stage in your life. Even if you need to zero financial support going forward the transition from teenage to adult can be tough, and you will want your parents emotional support. So let's see how we can make this work AND not piss of your parents

The big red flag to me is that you will be going alone (and I'm guessing staying with your SO's family?). It's not very likely that your parents would be able to travel with you. Have you checked if any of your friends can join you? Have you checked into student volunteer/travel organizations? If you can travel through an organization then your parents can feel that there is a "real adult" to help you!

Also I'm guessing your parents have little faith in your relationship. Look at it from the worst case scenario, if you break up with the trip still have been worth it? I would say probably yes. Frame it to your parents as a life experience and something that will set you apart from the herd in future job/school/internship interviews. Also Turkey is definitely growing as a world power, learning more can only be good!

Another thing is maybe they are worried you do not have this planned out well enough. I'm not saying you haven't looked into all these things but have you really shown your parents how serious you are about this trip? Do you know what your options are if you have an emergency and go to the hospital? Who covers this cost? How/when will you contact home? Do you know how to register with your embassy in Turkey? Do you have a credit card you can use there just in case? Do you need to apply for a visa or just get one upon arrival? Do you know to buy pro biotics because you will not be used to the local bacteria? Do you have every vaccine you need? Will there be any extra taxes in Turkey you will be subject to? Do you have an app/guidebook with enough translations that if you get totally lost alone you can ask how to get back to your girlfriend? How will you travel around, what type of public transport is there? Do you know of all the cultural "do's and don't's" ?

I'm realizing this sounds very negative, but you are asking a lot of your parents to happily send you off to a new country on your own! Hope this helps!!!

Thanks for your reply First of all, I would like to update that I showed a lot of pictures of my SO's parents including way more of their apartment (shown before) and my mom was very positive about them. She was like "They don't look dangerous at all".

So far so good! Progress.

- Well, I don't think I have any friends that would currently want to travel with me, and I will live at my SO's place, so they would have no-where to go really.

My mom always talks about how sad she will be if we get married and she leaves me. Yup, she actually said that, I'm not sure if this means there's faith or not though. It's weird.

Well, I can't really tell. We've been planning this trip literally for about a year now. We started out slow and when in this years' summerbreak we we're talking every day on Skype planning every little single thing that we would need and how for me to get there etc.

- Her father is a doctor, so I guess the hospital thing is covered, a little at least.
- I will be able to call my parents from my phone, it will be slightly expensive, but we'll just do it short and direct.
- Yes, I do have my own credit card with money which I will take with me.
- Visa thing was also a thing we researched together in our summerbreak, and I do not need a visa to get there, neither does she to get here.
- I'm not sure about the biotics, however it will be easily researchable through her dad.
- 10 of my friends were in Turkey last year, with no vaccine on any of them, so I would probably guess I don't need any.
- I will never be alone. Only when I arrive in Istanbul. My flight is from Copenhagen (Kastrup) -> Istanbul -> Izmir (she lives here)
- She will be at the airport with her step father when I arrive in Izmir, and we will drive back to their place together.
- We've done a lot of research together on the Istanbul airport. I've spent many days looking on a lot of different maps of the airport.
- She also knows the airport pretty good, so the first thing I will do when I arrive there is to call her, however I am quite confident with myself that I know what to do on my own, else, I can just ask their information desks.
- So yeah, no public transport other than flights for me :P

Yes, I know. And a big factor is that my relationship to her and her parents are waaaaaay better than my parents relationship to them, if there's any at all.
My parents dont talk with her everyday, neither they hear the voices of her step father and mom every day, and neither have they emailed with her step father.

I know it's a tough decision for my parents, but I know this is not dangerous for me, I'm just trying my hardest to make them realize this.

[az.cmart]

I didn't expect you to answer all the questions haha. You don't need to prove anything to me but to your parents. I would research the things you are less sure of and present it to your parents. Remember moms think of the worst case! So things like emergencies and getting lost think "what if" and have a back up plan so you can show your parents how responsible you are (and so that if somehow something bad actually happens you know what to do! ).

[Tjabby]

I didn't expect you to answer all the questions haha. You don't need to prove anything to me but to your parents. I would research the things you are less sure of and present it to your parents. Remember moms think of the worst case! So things like emergencies and getting lost think "what if" and have a back up plan so you can show your parents how responsible you are (and so that if somehow something bad actually happens you know what to do! ).

Hehe I know, but I felt like it

Yes, exactly! My mom has always thought of everything in the worst imaginable scenario ever.

Well, if I get lost at Istanbul airport I will just try to ask people for directions, but I shouldn't really be able to get lost because I will be on the phone with my SO and she knows the airport really good so.

I think you're right. Right now we're in a process with making my parents comfortable with everything, and when that's done then I guess the purchase of the tickets will find place. In December. My mom knows that it has to be in December, so... Yeah, we'll see.

[innocentbutterfly]

I couldn't help myself, but I see this is Turkey here you talk about. My boyfriend is turkish and I had kind of the same worries from people around me and my mom about what they'll do to me. I was smart and just ignored all the warnings because I believed in my boyfriend and well I can't say I regret it. The country itself is beautiful. Either way, my story doesnt matter here. I just wanna warn you. She is a muslim, right? is her family hardcore muslims? What part of Turkey are they from? because this could be a big problem for you in the future if you aren't and there's no way they'll accept you unless you convert. Its you're either muslim or you're not good enough. Believe me, I know. Plus, you being a foreigner it's even more pressure. I've got similar problems with my boyfriend, we are drifting apart because he's following the parents rule and we can't come to plans together because of them. Really, inform yourself on your gf's family, religion wise. She's a girl, it's not uncommon for muslim families to practice honor killings. I've read so many stories when a turkish girl was killed by her family, because she wanted to be with a foreign guy. Its as one turk once said '"turkish girls are ours and they're not supposed to be with anyone else than with a turk" go figure. So I am a bit skeptic with your story how do her parents agree with this in the 1st place. Unless they're very openminded and not religion oriented then I'd believe they agree with your relationship. Really, make sure what you're getting into. Mixing religions is not a joke.

And I dont mean to scare you, I just advise you to be careful. Turks usually don't mind much where you're coming from, what's your culture and stuff, specially when it's going for their child and the person they'll marry with. They lead their own rules and unless you follow them there's no way you'll ever be welcomed in this family, let alone accepted by all tehir members and that's the last thing you want. As I see you guys are both still very young, really think this and be sure her family hasn't already planned her someone to marry with. As I said, turkish girls rarely marry with foreigners, because parents have even more say in their lives than with sons. Even my boyfriend has parents like that and him being a guy doesn't get any easier. Rules are rules. And turks are known for being obedient children, it's how they're brought up and they don't have a chance to talk back and be smart. She'll never fight with her parents for you, that you can be sure of. They're her 1st importancy.

[Tjabby]

I couldn't help myself, but I see this is Turkey here you talk about. My boyfriend is turkish and I had kind of the same worries from people around me and my mom about what they'll do to me. I was smart and just ignored all the warnings because I believed in my boyfriend and well I can't say I regret it. The country itself is beautiful. Either way, my story doesnt matter here. I just wanna warn you. She is a muslim, right? is her family hardcore muslims? What part of Turkey are they from? because this could be a big problem for you in the future if you aren't and there's no way they'll accept you unless you convert. Its you're either muslim or you're not good enough. Believe me, I know. Plus, you being a foreigner it's even more pressure. I've got similar problems with my boyfriend, we are drifting apart because he's following the parents rule and we can't come to plans together because of them. Really, inform yourself on your gf's family, religion wise. She's a girl, it's not uncommon for muslim families to practice honor killings. I've read so many stories when a turkish girl was killed by her family, because she wanted to be with a foreign guy. Its as one turk once said '"turkish girls are ours and they're not supposed to be with anyone else than with a turk" go figure. So I am a bit skeptic with your story how do her parents agree with this in the 1st place. Unless they're very openminded and not religion oriented then I'd believe they agree with your relationship. Really, make sure what you're getting into. Mixing religions is not a joke.

And I dont mean to scare you, I just advise you to be careful. Turks usually don't mind much where you're coming from, what's your culture and stuff, specially when it's going for their child and the person they'll marry with. They lead their own rules and unless you follow them there's no way you'll ever be welcomed in this family, let alone accepted by all tehir members and that's the last thing you want. As I see you guys are both still very young, really think this and be sure her family hasn't already planned her someone to marry with. As I said, turkish girls rarely marry with foreigners, because parents have even more say in their lives than with sons. Even my boyfriend has parents like that and him being a guy doesn't get any easier. Rules are rules. And turks are known for being obedient children, it's how they're brought up and they don't have a chance to talk back and be smart. She'll never fight with her parents for you, that you can be sure of. They're her 1st importancy.

She lives in Izmir, and they're not muslims at all. In fact, they're not really religious at all.

Her mother and step father does know that I am danish and not muslim and all, and they seem to be very fine with that.

They even make jokes about us marrying in the future, so I really don't think there's any issues such as this here.

I really don't think they're "traditional" turks or whatever you would call them. :P

[innocentbutterfly]

wait you said you talk with her family too, it means they know to intereact in english and how do you know if they aren't religious, are you sure about that? If that's the case you got much less to worry.

And your mom's concerns about "if she leaves you after you marry" I would say it's way to early too think so much ahead, because there's lots of paperwork, effort and everything and one has to move for that to happen, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but hardly the usual case in LDR's. Besides you got no guarantee that couldn't happen with a danish girl as well, so this worry is unnecessary.Who would move then, who would learn the language, who would change culture, have you talked that?

[snow]

wait you said you talk with her family too, it means they know to intereact in english and how do you know if they aren't religious, are you sure about that? If that's the case you got much less to worry.

And your mom's concerns about "if she leaves you after you marry" I would say it's way to early too think so much ahead, because there's lots of paperwork, effort and everything and one has to move for that to happen, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but hardly the usual case in LDR's. Besides you got no guarantee that couldn't happen with a danish girl as well, so this worry is unnecessary.Who would move then, who would learn the language, who would change culture, have you talked that?

Easy there.
They haven't even met for the first time. No need to make super big plans for the future who will move, who will learn a new language and all that jazz.

I do second az.cmart's post of having a backup plan (and a backup plan to the backup plan!)
I doubt you'd get lost on the airport though and even if you do the staff is usually very helpful!

[innocentbutterfly]

That's exactly why I said it's too early to even think those "problems" if she leaves him.

[Tjabby]

wait you said you talk with her family too, it means they know to intereact in english and how do you know if they aren't religious, are you sure about that? If that's the case you got much less to worry.

And your mom's concerns about "if she leaves you after you marry" I would say it's way to early too think so much ahead, because there's lots of paperwork, effort and everything and one has to move for that to happen, so I'm not saying it's impossible, but hardly the usual case in LDR's. Besides you got no guarantee that couldn't happen with a danish girl as well, so this worry is unnecessary.Who would move then, who would learn the language, who would change culture, have you talked that?

Yes, I've talked with her step father a lot through e-mail. He knows English, however, her mother does not. About the religious thing, I really only have her word on that her nor her parents are not religious at all. I think they would spend their time quite different if they were, but yeah I only have her word on it.

Our future plans is to study in a country together, preferably the US, however we know it's difficult to get there, so we have considerations such as the UK and Italy too.