Discussing about "Open LDR" with my SO...

[laurencio]

Hey there,

I've come here because I'm really not sure how to discuss that with my girlfriend and how I should approach that topic.
First of all, I (21, European) am now together with my girlfriend (26, Japanese) for pretty much 2 years. We've been having a long distance relationship all the time and could meet approximately every 3-6 months for a few weeks. We truly love each other and are also trying to work out a plan to eventually move in together. However, looking at the current situation that won't happen soon. Maybe in 2-4 years. We can pretty much talk about any topic on skype and in real, however I'm sometimes frightened to tell her my desires and wishes because I'm worried that could hurt her. I know that she loves me more than anything else (so do I!) and that she is fully satisfied just with me as long as we can close the distance somewhen in the future.

Anyways, sometimes (or recently quite often) I have the desire in meeting other girls and get involved with them (No relationship with emotions, just sex). Especially when we can't be together. I have to mention that she is my first girlfriend I've ever had. I don't want to do that behind her back or even lie on her. No way, that's not my way!
So I want to discuss with her the idea of an open relationship while our time apart. So we could get involved in physical closeness with other people while still having that deep emotional bond which connects us. It's really difficult for me (in my young age) during such a long time apart. Recently I also watch regularly adult contents on the internet just to partially satisfy my sexual drive which is really high. But I know that is not good and I'm wasting a lot of time with that!

Actually last time we spent time together, we discussed kind of this topic on the edge... She asked me if I would be satisfied to only have sex with her my whole lifetime.
I told her honestly that sometimes I feel the desire to "try out" other girls and she didn't get angry by that answer at all. She just told me, that it's a difficult situation and that I should better do it now than later when we're maybe getting married. She seems to understand that it's difficult to suppress this feeling and that it will get even stronger if ignored. She also told me if I do something back home, I shouldn't tell her... But I wanna stay honest with her.

What's the right approach to open up our relationship so that we are still both lucky and can stay a couple as we've been so far?

Thanks for your help

laurencio

[dragonlady]

discuss it to start with alot!! then on the other side these things can go very wrong!
me and my SO really understand your feelings because where fighting with the same problems (high sex drive) and we try to get as much sexy skype time as we can but keep it at that
if your planning on something like that, i would recomend to keep it at whores and nothing more because with one night stands or a "sex girlfriend" feelings WILL get involved
good luck!

[Dezface]

I can understand why this would interest you. Being with only one person is hard, and that's compounded by your age and being long distance. I would just caution you to be very, very, careful in how you bring this up. It seems she's been open to the idea already, but sometimes things are better hypothetically than in reality. I know that if anyone had every brought this up with me, it would not have gone well. So that's why I think you should really be careful how you do this.

Remember that you said yourself she'd be happy with just you. So for you to tell her you're *not* happy with just her, could potentially hurt her. And quite a bit. And if she does agree and you guys do this, remember that it may not go smoothly. She may think she can handle it and down the line realize she can't. there's also the possibility that she'll decide to use her end of the deal and take other partners. What if she falls in love with one of them? Or you do?

I have a friend who's long term boyfriend kept pressuring her to have sex with other men. It was his fantasy. She didn't give in for years. Then one day she met somebody she liked so she did. Well, turns out she decided she loved the new guy and broke up with her then-fiance. He was pissed and hurt but that's what he wanted so badly.

In general, I'm not opposed to open relationships. I just think they take a very specific kind of person and from what you've said about your girlfriend, I question if she's that kind. But good luck, I hope you find a way for everything to work out.

[Hollandia]

You should know her pretty well by now, do you think she would be okay with this or do you think the idea would devastate her? I think that if you think she will be okay with it then maybe put on a movie where there is an open couple and try to feel it out that way.

If you think this might devastate her and you love her, then be prepared to possibly lose her. If my SO even suggested this. I know it would be the end. I don't want someone that wants others. LDR or not, some people are going to be okay with this and some are not.

Have you thought about the fact that she will most likely be getting wooed and having relations by a ton of other guys too? Are you okay with that? I guess I would suggest taking your time and really think this over before you take that leap.

[Zapookie]

I agree with Dez in saying that open relationships require a specific type of person. Would you be okay with her sleeping with others or is it one sided? You need to thoroughly discuss this with your partner prior to taking any action. If you do go the open relationship route, please, please wrap your willy. Same goes for her. You're not only opening yourselves up to other people, but STDs and pregnancy too. Think about whether that is something yore prepared to deal with.

[Kiyama]

Actually last time we spent time together, we discussed kind of this topic on the edge... She asked me if I would be satisfied to only have sex with her my whole lifetime.
I told her honestly that sometimes I feel the desire to "try out" other girls and she didn't get angry by that answer at all. She just told me, that it's a difficult situation and that I should better do it now than later when we're maybe getting married. She seems to understand that it's difficult to suppress this feeling and that it will get even stronger if ignored. She also told me if I do something back home, I shouldn't tell her... But I wanna stay honest with her.

In my opinion this pretty clearly indicates she is _not_ happy and comfortable being in an open relationship. It feels like she would give you the "permission" because she is scared of loosing you and then suffer in silence.
Someone who is open for something like that would react in a different way.
I think if a couple decides to go for this route, it needs to serve _both_ parties' needs. If this is not the case, one person will suffer and that isn't fair. Please think about if you want to treat your girlfriend like that if you really love her. Of course I can interpret much into your writing but I think deep in your heart you know how your girlfriend feels about this already so go into yourself and ask yourself what to do. I'm not being judgmental here but if you feel the need to sleep around and your girlfriend isn't happy with that, you need to break up with her if you can't be faithful in the future. To me it would be cruel if you planned on still staying with her and causing her pain.
I hope you make the right decision.

[Zephii]

It seems like she is open to discussing it, at least. So my only advice is to go in to the discussion ready to compromise. For example, she might be alright with you doing some sexual acts with other girls, but not all, or like a friend of mine - Might allow you to have sex with other women so long as you don't kiss them.
Just talk about it. As long as both of you are honest with each other, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[Fudgee]

No offense but I don't really agree or get the point an of open relationship.
If you love her then it's just her, what else if you end married are you still be doing the same thing even if you had children?
I'm sorry but I guess I'm more comfy on exclusive relationship. As for your age yes high sex drive is normal and you're about the same age as my SO who is European or brit as well. And yes not all men is the same.
But if you want an open relationship well you can take it slow and discuss that certain topic with her. Maybe if you get to that point you have to explain well what benefits you both from it and what would be the conditions you both need to agree. As what they said you must know her very well and know how she would react on your decision.