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    #1

    Polyamory across borders - my new boyfriend and my husband

    Hie,

    1 month ago I met this amazing guy - in another part of the world. Was just on holiday with friends when I fell for him, hard. My husband knew about it even before something happened and was cool with me pursuing it, to the point of pushing me on. I feel taken aback, I did not expect to be this lucky. My boyfriend was shocked in the beginning, not that I am married (he knew this all along) but that my marriage is "real" (sexual) and that me and my husband have a high level of honesty and that we don't see us loving others as a threat. I explained all of this to him very early. My husband and I are experienced in the sense that we have worked through a lot of emotional issues. We are not as experienced in living the actual lifestyle. I have just had one polyamorous sort-of-relationship before and it did not really work out for a number of reasons. With the new fellow, distance is hard but everything else seems so easy. All of a sudden I am planning monhts ahead (not to mention possably the rest of my life) with a guy I did not even know a few weeks back. My husband even says there will be three of us from now on. I skype or phone/facebook with my new boyfriend every day, I send him gifts and we are planning to travel. What is special is perhaps that my boyfriend and husband ALSO communicate long distance, they really started right away and so far they get along quite well. My boyfriend admits that sharing is hard on him, but says it gets better by time. The three of us plan to talk through the "big questions" when he comes to my country in a couple of months.

    One of my big issues is what to tell people. I had really made my mind up to be open about polyamory if me dating someone else beside our marriage became serious. Now I am not sure how to do it, because it happened so soon and my new man and me has a Long Distance Relationship as well. I used to never believe in LDR, even found it funny until I saw it working even internationally for friends, still I am kind of shy about actually not having spent a lot of time in person with my new SO, and not so much time alltogether either. I guess polyamory makes me even more shy. Where would I start? Some people do not belive in LDR relationships. Many more do not belive that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, or even make it work just on an emotional and practical level. I don't want to be a lier or hold back towards the people close to me. The last thing my SO said to me on Skype is that what he appreciates most is our honesty... I have told a few people, friends who live the polyamorous lifestyle, but I would not be really open until I tell a wider range of people. My husband says it is up to me, still we both feel that work does not need to know yet and his family is very biased towards everything even slightly different from them, so maybe friends and parts of my family could be informed as the relationship progresses. When I go to his country next to no-one knows me, but I have gotten to know some of his friends a little bit so I am not his secret girlfriend. When he comes here, I will want to "keep him to myself" and the three of us has a lot of emotional and practical work to do, but I feel that next time he comes over I will want to introduce him to more people.

    I spend a lot of time thinking how my boyfriend and husband can get along better. My boyfriend think it is a bit unfair that my husband get to spend so much time with me. I will try to travel more, and also get better internet connection for us to make things easier. Even so it remains a fact that I spend almost every night with my husband and almost none with my boyfriend. At the same time, I set a lot of time apart for my boyfriend in the evening (we can skype for hours), and my husband may feel that he is less of a priority because those are also the best possible hours for quality marriage time. I feel already that keeping up two relationships take up a whole lot of time....

    I want to know if there are any more polyamorous LDR relationships out there? If so, what do you do to be honest and manage time?
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits
    Tags: None
    #2
    I'm not in a polyamorous relationship, but I do have to comment. It is going to be very draining trying to keep up two relationships. Especially when one is long distance. Your boyfriend will probably never feel as though he has enough of your time. I'm not really sure there's anything you can do to change that. Also, he's very new to this (as I guess you all are, but he's newer.) And you've only known him one month. You're making a lot of big plans for a relationship that's brand new and has other complicated factors.

    I'm not trying to get you down, but just be aware that this has the possibility of not working out. Your boyfriend already seems hesitant, just from what you've said. Perhaps take it a little slower? Then he has a chance to ease into things. Good luck.



    Met online: 1/30/11
    Met in person: 5/30/12
    Second visit: 9/12/12
    Closed the distance: 1/26/13!!!

    Comment

      #3
      Hey, welcome to the forums
      We don't get a lot of polly's around here, and a lot of people even here are closed-minded about the whole thing, so I do hope you'll stick around and set a good example, so to speak. There was a lady here for a while that was married and had a girlfriend LD, but she doesn't post anymore, so she might have moved on. There was another lady too, Rosalind I think her name is, she had a series of blogs here about being monogamish that you might be interested in.

      I think really there just comes a point where you have to be brave, and be yourself. You don't have to go around telling people, because it will come up in conversation. It might be as simple as someone commenting on a gift he has given you or asking what you're thinking about because you seem distracted. When a visit is actually planned/getting near you can make a few dates with the people you care about like "hey let's go out to dinner, I want you to meet my/our new bf". Generally if you go into a conversation with confidence people are less likely to pick you to pieces, whereas if you sound unsure or apologetic they think they have the right to criticize.

      I think if each of you continues to communicate openly you'll get by. Most problems in relationships seem to stem from poor communication. Meanwhile I'd be watching "sister wives" and getting tips, because I'm lame like that.

      Hope you're having a fantastic day,
      ~ Zeph
      Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by Dezface View Post
        I'm not in a polyamorous relationship, but I do have to comment. It is going to be very draining trying to keep up two relationships. Especially when one is long distance. Your boyfriend will probably never feel as though he has enough of your time. I'm not really sure there's anything you can do to change that. Also, he's very new to this (as I guess you all are, but he's newer.) And you've only known him one month. You're making a lot of big plans for a relationship that's brand new and has other complicated factors.

        I'm not trying to get you down, but just be aware that this has the possibility of not working out. Your boyfriend already seems hesitant, just from what you've said. Perhaps take it a little slower? Then he has a chance to ease into things. Good luck.
        Yes I see your point. However, he is not really hesitant; he is making most of the planning and stating the big words... He even initiates talking to my husband, which I did not expect. It is new to him, but I think he is willing to learn, not just about polyamory but about everything. We use our skype time to ask each other lots of questions to get to know each other better and I think that is important. Right now I think he feels prioritized, because he knows a lot of guys who are in long distance relationships (he works at a holyday-related place, so relationships between the workers and tourists are common) and he says that I give him as much time as the other guys` girlfriends. It is just that he wants me to visit him or that he can go to see me, and I think it is important that we do that soon, to give the relationship a chance. About the time; I consider myself to have gotten a new, but very serious hobby... I guess I will have to do less of something else to find the time for both of them. When my boyfriend comes over I think I will spend most nights with him, maybe once a week with my husband, to make up for the time he has been missing.
        Last edited by differentcountries; October 29, 2013, 12:02 AM.
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

        Comment

          #5
          Originally posted by Zephii View Post
          Hey, welcome to the forums
          We don't get a lot of polly's around here, and a lot of people even here are closed-minded about the whole thing, so I do hope you'll stick around and set a good example, so to speak. There was a lady here for a while that was married and had a girlfriend LD, but she doesn't post anymore, so she might have moved on. There was another lady too, Rosalind I think her name is, she had a series of blogs here about being monogamish that you might be interested in.

          I think really there just comes a point where you have to be brave, and be yourself. You don't have to go around telling people, because it will come up in conversation. It might be as simple as someone commenting on a gift he has given you or asking what you're thinking about because you seem distracted. When a visit is actually planned/getting near you can make a few dates with the people you care about like "hey let's go out to dinner, I want you to meet my/our new bf". Generally if you go into a conversation with confidence people are less likely to pick you to pieces, whereas if you sound unsure or apologetic they think they have the right to criticize.

          I think if each of you continues to communicate openly you'll get by. Most problems in relationships seem to stem from poor communication. Meanwhile I'd be watching "sister wives" and getting tips, because I'm lame like that.

          Hope you're having a fantastic day,
          ~ Zeph
          Hie,

          thank you for your sweet and inspirational words .

          I agree that I have to take it casual but with confidence to make it work. In a way I think it will be easier now that I actually have a boyfriend, because it makes it very real. Instead of "well I am sort of dating this guy..." it will be "hey this is my boyfriend", someone they can actually talk to instead of it being a fantasy or a shady deed.

          "Monogamish" seems to be a term from Dan Savage; marriages that sometimes include others for sex. Thanks for the tip, he seems interesting. I can also see if there is anything else written here. And I love sister wives, even if I don't get the jealousy part, but it is easier for me since I am "the hinge in the V" in our relationship. Actually, for some reason I know a lot of girl hinges, so it is more like "brother husbands"

          Good wishes on your day here from Norway
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

          Comment

            #6
            Brother husbands is awesome

            One makes enough mess for me, so when you're all CD you can share your tips on keeping them in line eh?
            Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

            Comment

              #7
              Welcome to the forum!
              I wish you good luck! Two relationships is quite some work I would assume. Though I bet having one CD makes at least the sex and cuddle part a little less hard .

              Comment

                #8
                I don't envy you at all but I do hope it all works out

                Comment

                  #9
                  Hmm sounds like a difficult situation! Can't relate at all, but it is interesting to read about polyamory - especially across borders.. so thank you for sharing your story!

                  Just curious, if you would close the distance ever with your boyfriend, what would happen? Have you been thinking of that yet or is it too soon?

                  Comment

                    #10
                    What will you do if your boyfriend ever says to you I want to marry you? Most places don't exactly allow you to be married to two people so you'd either have to divorce your husband or he'll have to marry someone else. I'd say just be careful and get to know this other guy first before he moves to your country and good luck




                    Treasuretrooper <-- how I helped pay for some of my LDR expenses when I was in one.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by Riyko View Post
                      What will you do if your boyfriend ever says to you I want to marry you? Most places don't exactly allow you to be married to two people so you'd either have to divorce your husband or he'll have to marry someone else. I'd say just be careful and get to know this other guy first before he moves to your country and good luck

                      The boyfriend will learn that he will never be legally married to her. But yet they will have their own way of being married in their hearts as part of their relationship.

                      I understand poly more than most. Differentcountries, have you read "The Ethical Slut"? It's a very good primer on polyamourous relationships                      .


                      When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

                      True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

                      When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

                      1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Originally posted by LDLovebird View Post
                        Welcome to the forum!
                        I wish you good luck! Two relationships is quite some work I would assume. Though I bet having one CD makes at least the sex and cuddle part a little less hard .
                        Thanks! Well, it does take some time. And I do believe you are right, I don't have to sleep alone
                        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by 80anthea View Post
                          I don't envy you at all but I do hope it all works out
                          Thank you and most days things are good. My men are getting to know each other and they really like each other.
                          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by lejon View Post
                            Hmm sounds like a difficult situation! Can't relate at all, but it is interesting to read about polyamory - especially across borders.. so thank you for sharing your story!

                            Just curious, if you would close the distance ever with your boyfriend, what would happen? Have you been thinking of that yet or is it too soon?
                            It is a little soon to talk seriously about closing distance, since we have been together only 2 months and he is still doing university college. However, we have discussed briefly the possability of him coming here to study for 6 months+. I really think he should try to live here for a month or more before deciding if he would be interested in moving here. I believe if we were to close the distance, it would happen by him relocating.
                            Last edited by differentcountries; November 24, 2013, 03:29 PM.
                            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Originally posted by Riyko View Post
                              What will you do if your boyfriend ever says to you I want to marry you? Most places don't exactly allow you to be married to two people so you'd either have to divorce your husband or he'll have to marry someone else. I'd say just be careful and get to know this other guy first before he moves to your country and good luck
                              Well, he has already said he is sorry that he can not marry me I would not consider divorcing my husband in order to marry my boyfriend, since by living with husband still, immigration might think I was marrying boyfriend only to get him papers (pro forma). I do not think my boyfriend is interested in marrying someone else than me. I think anyone should get to know their boyfriends or girlfriends before relocating them, for lots of reasons.
                              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                              Comment

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