SO said I'm high maintenance...

[Caro_Jude]

My SO and I have been dating for 9 months and we've always been LD. I recently moved to Sweden to start graduate school, which means we now have a 9 hour time difference. I moved in August and our relationship was just as loving and wonderful as it had been until the beginning of Oct. Graduate school's been stressful and I know that I may have 'leaned' a bit too hard on my SO. I decided that I should shift my attention towards him, to thank him for listening and being great and so I wrote him a little pep-up/love note (he's having trouble finding a FT job and just started a PT retail position that he's not super thrilled about). After the note, he told me that he's worried that I'm too high maintenance because he feels as if I expect certain responses out of him - totally the opposite of what I wanted. I asked if we could talk about the issue and he told me he doesn't want to but that he "doesn't want to break up." Now, it feels like things have changed. We've still been texting but I'm now overly-concious of all my messages! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to force him to talk about something and I'm fearful that he's going to pull away. Advice?

[Hollandia]

My SO and I have been dating for 9 months and we've always been LD. I recently moved to Sweden to start graduate school, which means we now have a 9 hour time difference. I moved in August and our relationship was just as loving and wonderful as it had been until the beginning of Oct. Graduate school's been stressful and I know that I may have 'leaned' a bit too hard on my SO. I decided that I should shift my attention towards him, to thank him for listening and being great and so I wrote him a little pep-up/love note (he's having trouble finding a FT job and just started a PT retail position that he's not super thrilled about). After the note, he told me that he's worried that I'm too high maintenance because he feels as if I expect certain responses out of him - totally the opposite of what I wanted. I asked if we could talk about the issue and he told me he doesn't want to but that he "doesn't want to break up." Now, it feels like things have changed. We've still been texting but I'm now overly-concious of all my messages! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to force him to talk about something and I'm fearful that he's going to pull away. Advice?

We have days where we have "bad" conversations and I do think the momentum or atmosphere of the relationship can change for a bit from time after one. I think this is just normal. Relationships, even CD, have ebb and flow from day to day life. You can't be Cinderella and Prince Charming forever, you have to be real people. Real people have stress and get tired and they also got frustrated with life in general sometimes. My SO is going through some similar stresses with his job right now and he also does not talking about it. He tends to really withdrawal if you push a subject the is upsetting to him or might depress him. You are probably like me, you are a fixer. You see something broken you immediately want to fix it. You saw he was hurting and so you tried to make him feel better. Don't, he does not want to be fixed. He wants to work through his stuff on his own and when he is ready he will open up about it more to you. If you are not careful you will make him feel "less like a man" because he is failing to provide for what he deems the future of his family with you. Some men are old school, I know my SO has said to me that it is great for a woman to work if she wants to but a man should be able to provide for his family. I am not saying this is right or wrong, just how some men are brought up. Your SO has said he does not want to talk about it and unless talking about will magically fix it, then drop the subject until he brings it up again.... and then only when he does.

What my SO tells me is what he needs from me when he gets like this is an outlet to relax and have fun with and not stress with. If he is down, try being up, being silly and being interesting. Look, I am not saying that all conversations need to light and airy but it sounds like this is what he needs now. If you had a job as a sh#t digger and you hated it but you knew for the time being this is what had to be done, would you want to "come home" to a partner that wanted to talk about how much you hate digging sh#t or a partner that wanted to have naked water balloon fights and watch your favorite sports team with you? If you think he needs a little extra lift, then do so by giving some extra slack and you will see when he feels the pressure is off to talk about it, he will.

So, my advice is this, yes, sorry stop mentioning it and stop over analyzing not being able to. He told you not to bring it up so don't. Stop thinking about how awkward it is not to talk about it and it will stop being awkward. Think about it like when a friend of yours loses a relative or goes through a divorce, you know at some point they will be ready to talk about it, but until then you don't bring it up. Really it is not that big of a deal unless you think it is. He is responsible person and doing what needs to be done, he is working his way through as he needs to and he does not wish to dwell on it.