Relationship on the line

[werdna]

Frequent reader, only one post, but that one ended up bad for me, and I come again seeking advice for a relationship in danger.

My girlfriend and I broke up around April of this year because she didn't know how she would be able to have a future with me going forward, but she had already set up a trip to the United States for the summer and after all the anger and sadness I had towards her, the moment I saw her in the summer, it all went away. I knew she had a boyfriend from back in her country and all, but I simply wanted to be her friend. Friendship turned into a relationship as the summer went on and we both planned on her getting an internships, with hers being close to me to try to finally close the gap. Unfortunately, the job market has been incredibly unforgiving. She sent out probably 50+ applications in September and not one replied. It came to a point where she pretty much gave the ultimatum that unless she found an internship in the United States, the relationship could not continue. As much as I understand where she is coming from, I just wish that there was a way to fix things. She is overly qualified for positions that will not even consider her because she is from a different country. Because of this, she was forced to apply for internships in her own country as well, but is also struggling with that too. For the past week or so now, I'd say we have broken up. There is no more "I love you's" or anything like that, but I still talk to her as much as I can every day while attempting to find anywhere that would be willing to offer her an internship as well as simply being a friend. Unfortunately, talking to her is a double edged sword because as happy as it makes me to talk to her, it is excruciating to just talk to her and not really be in a relationship. I know a long distance relationship is not normal, but we had some amazing times together and even a lot despite the distance. To make a long story short, has anyone else had to cope with something like this? Both my girlfriend and I have already said that if we could just be physically together, we know things would work out, but there comes a point where you have to realize that the distance must end at some point, and if you can't see that happening, we both must move on. Has anyone had the job issue before? If so, how did you deal with it? Thanks

[Moon]

What's so abnormal about a long distance relationship??? You're on a forum that's based on them, you should probably be careful how you word that. Anyway, "normal" or not, I'm in a pretty much permanent LDR, for many reasons, of which one is work. I can do this because neither of us are interested in children and don't care about marriage; it is not for everybody, you have to be an extremely independent person in a relationship good enough that it outweighs the separation.

I know I'd never find work in my boyfriend's country, everyone there in my field has minimally a masters degree (higher education is totally free there, and people make good use of that benefit), even if I got lucky and found an opportunity, I don't speak the language. I could study for the next 20 years, and never be fluent, as it's an incredibly difficult language for native English speakers.

So, we take it day by day, knowing that OUR relationship is worth the aggravation, and that you never know what might pop up tomorrow that'll change everything. Life is funny that way. Of course, most people simply can't do it, in which case you have to make whatever decision that works best in your life. My situation is not ideal, but the alternative just isn't acceptable for us. I'd rather have him 4200 miles away than not at all. That's how we deal with it. It's not conventional, but sometimes conventional isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[BlueCat]

You're never going to see an end to the separation if you can't commit to the relationship. The vibe I'm getting is that you're more than happy to stay in a committed relationship when separated, but she is not? There's no quick fix for international relationships, they're long and hard and expensive. But you get out what you put in. If you guys really want to be together, I think you should be staying "together" even while you're apart. That means still calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, and not having any other relationships. Is it going to be easy? No. But the time apart is time to work at making a way to be together permanently. You can't give up just because she couldn't find an internship during her stay. My fiance was recently here with me for a whole year on a work VISA, he applied for countless jobs and only heard back from one (which was a rejection letter). A whole year and no one wanted to give him a job because of the restrictions on international visitors. I'm not saying it can't be done, but of course it's limiting. You have to continue to save money and work together towards an ultimate decision of actually moving to whichever country. It may take a few years, but if you love her, it's what you simply have to do. If you're ready to give up as soon as you have to be apart, the relationship will fail from that attitude alone.

[Deleted]

Sorry to hear about the split. :/

Is your girlfriend dating someone in her own country? If so, you're walking a dangerous line. It's good that you're helping her out, because it's always nice to help a friend, but if she's got a boyfriend she's pretty much off limits in that sense.

I hope you find a way to work this out. Distance is hard, but it can work out in the end. Even though you might not see it.