Stuck, love sick, my bf loves me and I can't find a way out

[Sole]

Hello

I really need help today

Great beginning: best relationship of my life
Met my boyfriend this summer we had an amazing summer filled with passion. I even lived with him at the end (left my apartment a week before leaving the continent). We were already in love but that step made us think about building a future together. It was an evidence that long distance was the thing to do, we couldn't leave each other. I had to come back to Europe.

Long distance and longest relationship of my life
We had some hard times, I sometimes got angry or didn't care about being in contact with him. Only a week per month I'd feel totally in love with him. I thought that's because we're away and once I see him it will be normal again.

Him visiting, feeling weird
He arrived in Europe for christmas, met my family, our relationship was about seven month old. The first days I was very anxious, he was kind of. The first night was amazing, we would cuddle and have an intimate moment. Some days after we left for another city, for some days. And I started to feel depressed. I lost appetite and I threw up being nervous, at night. The day after I was a mess, all sad. I cried by times. I know it was all psychological, I had to call close people for them to calm me down and help me figure out what was happening. Whenever I hang up I felt better but it would start again some hours later. I told my boyfriend I needed space and he sometimes left to go for a walk for two hours on his own. My boyfriend was extremely strong, mature, positive and understanding.

Him visiting making me sick
We had some sex but it didn't feel like passion at all. It felt like him desiring me like I'm the love of his life but me being 'away', not at all connected. It's the last time we had sex, then I just couldn't - and I didn't want it. On new years eve I threw up before midnight and went to bed as I couldn't eat, I was just ridiculously weak. He partied with my friends. The day after it's like I couldn't stand being by his side so I told him maybe he should consider that a break up would be best for both of us because I'm a mess and I don't want him to assist that. Then we went to another city just him and me. I told him I think we had to break up, at night, because I couldn't find another reason for me being that sick.
I would then feel nauseous about food, I was so weak I couldn't even smile or laugh. I wanted to cry maybe 10 times a day. I went back to where I live alone, I told him that I needed some space to think and to get back on my feet - and eat ! He understood and planned to visit his friend today for 2 days. Before I left the hotel I couldn't stop crying, I didn't understand, it's like he broke up with me even though I did kind of.

Took some space and distance for some days, wondering and need help
I arrived yesterday at night and found a package he sent me in november that just arrived. I cried so much. I cried like I missed him, like he was my love and I lost him, like he ditched me and I couldn't stand it - even though it was the opposite. It was a beautiful package with a very beautiful letter... I could eat again a bit this morning, being on my own. Even though I'm a little less sad I feel heart broken. My family is very concerned they don't know what is wrong.
Additional detail: I stopped the contraceptive pill in september, I started it again in december, stopped at the end of december (tablet was finished) and started the contraceptive ring on news years eve. Hormones could influence but not to the point of me throwing up I think...

Him coming back soon
He will be back in a couple of days, for 4 days and then he has his flight back to North America. I told him I would have figured out what to do by then but I am lost.
I am also very scared that when he comes back, I can't eat at all again. My father is being harsh and telling me I have to eat and I'm just making a drama, but I can't choose to be that way, I would rather get out of it! I just can't heal of a heart break like that in a second especially when my bf is around.
For a minute I miss my boyfriend badly, another minute I feel way better by being on my own.


Possible answers?
I was thinking of these possibilities:

A. I stopped having feelings for him with distance and I didn't realize it.
(it's so difficult, when you're far away I thought you were not supposed to love strongly the other still, I thought feelings fading was normal ?)

B. I am too independent and I need my space and he just took it all which wasn't feeling right for me.
But then would it mean that it's too late, that my feelings blew up? And we already took space from each other like 1 to two hours a day during these holidays, it apparently didn't work.

C. I sabotage my own relationship for a reason I ignore ??

D. I am dealing with a heart-broken process which means I am naturally getting rid of him in my mind by crying so much and not eating. This option is linked to the option A.


Questions and help needed
I want to add that I don't like the single life anymore. I am 23, I would feel so bad about being single again - I already had my single girl years and enjoyed them. I want to build a future and I'm afraid of being single again.


I really need your opinions on this situation before he comes back.
What could it be ?
I need new perspectives and advices... And if anyone already experienced that, big please, tell me ! I feel depressed and I don't know how to get out of it.

Thank you...

[Zephii]

Well, I can't fault your impeccable layout

There sounds like there's a lot more wrong here than right and that you're better off just letting this guy go. It sounds a lot like you're not currently stable enough to be in a relationship at all, and honestly, you really have not been together very long. It's possible you just had a "honeymoon" period of summer romance full of infatuation and now you realise you're just not that into him. I do think your dad is right and you're giving into the drama of the situation, and that if you honest-to-God can't control yourself here you should get help so that it doesn't destroy future relationships.

Not wanting to be single is NOT a good reason to carry on in a failing relationship, additionally it isn't fair to him.

I've felt the same as you after a break up that I instigated. It's normal. That confusion and regret coupled with feeling free etc. Normal, and it will pass. Listen to your logic.

You need to stop messing around with your birth control. Pick a system and stick to it. It's terrible for your body to go off-and-on again in short periods of time and it compromises the effectiveness of your contraception. Yes, all these messed up feelings could actually be from your hormones including the throwing up. It's not unusual for people to throw up if they are over emotional or flooded with a lot of hormones.

I'm sorry I haven't written this in a kinder fashion but I'm not 100% certain you're not a troll. Please listen to what I've said though, I mean well.

[Malaga]

Sometimes feelings just run their course and fade away. It's just how life goes. Also, LDRs don't work for everyone, or sometimes timing is all wrong. I suggest you let this guy move on - sounds like he's been very understanding and deserves to be treated fairly, not have his feelings toyed with. You also need to move on, do something about that eating disorder - I suggest counselling to help you fight depression and understand better what you want in life.

I don't know what culture you come from but at 23 you are still so very very young. Don't listen to people around you making you feel bad for being single. They have no idea what they're saying. You'll be young for a good many years still and there is so much time ahead of you to do whatever you want, including getting into a committed relationship. You've only just tapped into adult life. Who cares when other people found their SOs, they're not you, you live your own life and make decisions that are best for you. The worst thing you can do is force something that doesn't make you happy. Let that always be your guide.

Good luck xx

[Malaga]

I didn't see your edits earlier. Protip: when you want to add key information to your story, it's better to do it in a new post. Now I'm not 100% sure you're not a troll either.

Stop messing with your hormones and get expert help to help you cope with stress and figure yourself out. Sounds like this kind of relationship is too much for you right now.

[Sole]

Hello Malaga and Zephii,

First of all I am not a troll . I wrote down what was on my heart.

Thank you for the time you spent reading my long message! Your answers gave me some real key/actions ideas, force. (English isn't my native language, apologies if what I say doesn't sound very english ).

Hormones: What happened is that I wanted to have control over everything, I wanted to be under contraception before and during his stay in Europe. Because of technical problems and the fact that I wasn't in my home country, I rushed, messed my body. I just shouldn't have done that stupid thing and used condoms!!!
I didn't know exactly to what extent could hormones influence someone's feelings, relationships. I think you are probably right Zephii... I'll be way more careful with that now.
Bottom line about hormones, I was scared how much my feelings for my bf went down when I stopped the pill. I guess I was scared not to love him anymore if I wasn't under the pill when he comes. I have been too much of a control freak!

Zephii your theory of the honeymoon is also what my mother explained to me on the phone. I think it is somehow what happened. It was a summer relation + in another continent. Changing of environment like that also affects the way you look back on things and people.
Thank you also for making it feel more 'normal', it's true when you have to break-up it's a mix of emotions and logical thoughts that don't frankly get along.
I didn't find your message any offensive if that's what you meant, I think it was really helpful. I'm in a weak mindset, rethinking everything and I need to hear firm words. Thanks for that.

Malaga, your message makes perfect sense to me... Sometimes people just need to hear what you wrote, LDRs aren't for everyone and I feel it wasn't for me. I am too emotional to stand such a gigantic change of space (another continent) and time (4 month we haven't seen each other!). I change too much in that time lapse. And thank you so much for that release of family pressure I got! I also believe I'm young and I hope at 23 my future isn't yet written if I'm still single . I will meet someone else for a real long relationship and not these painful romances like I had so far (except from my current bf), hopefully.

Getting help (therapy?): It is indeed a rational answer. I have to detail that I am a very very emotional person, I'm very close to my emotions which can be a full strength or a weakness and it can be beautiful (I'm very passionate when I love) or awful (like when I throw up :/ ). That's why the effects, the way I show my emotions shouldn't be taken immediately for a strong problem. For instance I wouldn't talk about eating disorders. It never happened to me before, just once in a similar fallout situation as this one - when I forced myself to not break up with a boyfriend that I didn't love, for four days. It's just like when you're depressed and lose appetite but it comes back when you feel better. Rest of the time I love good food

But I am thinking of therapy once I get settled in a place (leaving the country in 4 or 5 month now). I don't want these type of crazy reactions to rule my next scheme of dating, relationships. I hope it's just me being silly, childish, dramatic or however you want to call it - and not a psychological problem that needs to be fixed. Hope I just need to be way more listening to myself and looking at signals I'm not attracted to a nice guy anymore instead of feeling guilty til I get sick.

Thank you very much for these answers.

Any more answers are welcome it really helps me to 'heal', I am a talkative person and it's appreciated.

[piratemama]

What is a troll?

For the OP, if you have to ask about what you're feeling, you probably don't love him. If you were only scared, nervous, or hormonal, you'd still know the love was there. Even if the sickness was from hormones or something like that, the fact that you thought it was him is very telling and indicative of some serious problems with the relationship.

[lilcupcake]

... I think you should take a pregnancy test....

Seriously, a lot of those feelings could be hormones. but they could be because you're pregnant. sickness/ loss of appetite and irritability and unstable mood are normal if you are. and you said you came on and off birth control, and even while being on it, birth control isn't a 100% sure way of avoiding pregnancy.

[Deleted]

I agree with the others: it's best to let this guy know that you don't love him before he gets even more attached. It lessens the pain on his end, and you won't be in a relationship you don't want to be in.

I know you don't want to be single, but you want to be happy, right?

[Moon]

What is a troll?

Troll (Internet)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a forum, chat room, or blog), either accidentally or with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

***Not directing at the OP, just answering a question.

[BabyGund]

I don't think there's any problems here except the hormones. Nausea and negative mood swings (depression and crying) are common side effects the first 3 months. You started back on the pill at the beginning of December and that's when a lot of these problems started. Then you switch to another method on January 1. Switching to another hormonal contraceptive subjects you to similar side effects starting all over again with the new method.

[stormy]

I don't think there's any problems here except the hormones. Nausea and negative mood swings (depression and crying) are common side effects the first 3 months. You started back on the pill at the beginning of December and that's when a lot of these problems started. Then you switch to another method on January 1. Switching to another hormonal contraceptive subjects you to similar side effects starting all over again with the new method.

This is what I was thinking... it sounded really hormonal even before you mentioned it in your story at all OP.
Not to say that it cannot be something else, none of us are your doctors... but maybe it would be a good idea to go see yours.

[piratemama]

Troll (Internet)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a forum, chat room, or blog), either accidentally or with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

***Not directing at the OP, just answering a question.

Thank you, Moon. I didn't know. I know some people that their sole purpose is to start arguments and cause drama. I hope they aren't on any forums; it would be disastrous.

[Sole]

Thank you everyone for these answers and perspectives.

Lilcupcake, this pregnancy test thing scared me lol. But I had sex with him in early early september and on december the 26th. The symptoms appeared on the 31st of december, so it's either too late or too early for the symptoms. And I had my periods normally (without contraception) between sept to december. I also checked and I can't be pregnant five days after sex - and symptoms would show some weeks later.

Piratemama,

If you were only scared, nervous, or hormonal, you'd still know the love was there. Even if the sickness was from hormones or something like that, the fact that you thought it was him is very telling and indicative of some serious problems with the relationship.

I think this sentence is very true. I will see if it applies to me when he comes back here. Before setting in stone the break-up and the reason for it being that my feelings faded away, I would like to see him in person again. But your answer is most probably right, unfortunately...

Babygund and Stormy, these answers are also to check when he comes here. I feel less like a mess (it's been 2 days I am home alone, I went home to heal, recover from all this stress and weakness). He is coming back monday and I guess I will see how I feel.

I'm a bit worried everything (nausea, body refusing to eat, being very anxious) comes back when he comes here. But that would be the signal we are not meant to stay together. Otherwise if I feel happy and if I desire him again etc, it would mean it wasn't that psychological, it would probably have been the hormones and I should see a doctor.

I will keep you posted maybe before monday, and then monday - tuesday.

[lilcupcake]

Well if you don't want to be pregnant, im glad you aren't then haha. Switching birth controls a lot can be really bad for you,too. not just cause a lot of hormonal mess. So try to pick one you like and stick with it. :]

[Sole]

That is a lesson I will remember and apply! I don't want to feel like that again ^^

Hm... So there is a possibility for me to visit my boyfriend tomorrow where he stays, for the day. He is asking me if I really want to do that, if I feel confident and if I will not be sick. I told him I can't promise anything and I can't say that... I am extremely anxious about seeing him. It doesn't make me feel confident and happy, it stresses me out.

He came to Europe to visit me so I feel even more guilty, stressed. He doesn't want to be sad, hurt again and I don't want to do that to him either. I don't know what to do... Should I visit him taking the risk to be sick again in front of him and hurt him?

If I don't visit tomorrow it means that his stay is ending very soon and that he will either have to come back to my place with me, either stay at his friend's. His friend start working and will let him alone in the city and here I will have my classes. I don't know what's best ! I haven't figured things out perfectly I am scared I don't see him and I regret that forever, or seeing him and be sick and depressed again...