I keep thinking this is petty - but it's how I feel

[bluedelphine]

I've been in a LDR for 2 years (however, that has been broken up by some time where we were able to spend together, we lived together for about 4 months but due to visa restrictions I have had to move back to the US). I have been back since October and things have been going fairly well, I miss him very much but that is of course to be expected. I'm struggling now with feeling that I matter to him (also I should warn in advance I can get very convoluted when I try to talk about my feelings but I'm going to do my best). As I was saying, I just feel unimportant at the moment to him because I don't feel like he's making any effort at all. We talk every day and have good communication between us and I feel like I go further and try to make sure he knows I'm thinking about him by sending him some of his favorite snacks in the mail, sending letters, etc. However, he's done nothing since I got home. Part of that I know is his very avoidant personality--when he is upset about something he tries not to think about it, and I know he misses me and is doing his best to avoid that. But I'm having a harder time with being separated than he is, I don't have as many strong friends or family ties as he does so it's much more difficult for me. I've told him this many times and told him that I appreciate efforts made such as mailing me letters (I love mail, this is not a new thing, he knows how much I love getting it, writing letters, receiving letters, I even get excited about bills in the mail). And before I left to come home I told him how much I know occasional letters from him mean to me and I have received nothing since getting home. Now, I know he can be busy and has things he needs to accomplish, and his biggest argument for not sending them is that the post office is a 30 minute walk into town. I can sympathize with that, except this is not a new request. I've been asking for just a letter, anything sent to me so I can feel like we're connected and I can feel that he's thinking of me and he can't seem to do it. This makes me feel hurt and like I am not important. I've talked to him about this and he always says he'll do it and then gets distracted and forgets. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want him to do it anymore because by now it's just me forcing him, but then at the same time, I feel so alone here with just our chats online and listless Skype sessions. I just don't know what to do. I'm exhausted, and stressed, and just want to be back in a position where we aren't this far apart.

[Kitten_mittens]

I totally understand this.. My SO for the first 1+ years we were together he sent me nothing. I sent him cards, chocolates, wine, a bunch of american candy.. And I got nothing.. It sucks and is very depressing. It's nice to know that they are willing to put a little extra effort into sending something sweet now and then since it's not like you can have romantic nights out.. I don't really have any advice though =[ I expressed to my SO many times how let down I felt that he never followed through or returned the favor. I hope he'll put the effort in soon and send you something.

BTW Welcome to the forum. =]

[bluedelphine]

Yeah, and I think part of it is a male/female difference thing. But it's frustrating when I'm being as communicative as possible, like not trying to just drop subtle hints. Rather, blatantly telling him what I want/need. But yeah, I just brought it up with him again. Hopefully it will yield something this time. Thanks for the kind words

[teachernicole]

My husband is the same exact way. The only time he has sent me a letter is when I pretty much asked him to because I had sent him several without anything in return. When he did send me some, they were thoughtful and I loved them, but it didn't feel right and I ended up feeling worse. I think it's natural to feel bad about the lack of effort on his part. I guess here, communication is the most important, but we can't change our men

[piratemama]

I have learned that people show love differently. He is simply not a gifts person. I would think he'd want to try, though, as much as you've asked. Not getting something can hurt, I've been there, but please focus on the Skype talks. Spending time with you may be his way of showing love, and Skyping may be his way of doing that. Try to change up the Skype sessions some, so they aren't listless to you. Try games, singing, asking questions, eating together, doing anything (even folding laundry) together. My SO and I do lots of different activities on Skype, and we enjoy them all. We never get bored. Recently, we tried Synaptop which is another thing similar. I don't care a lot for it, but we did enjoy the Sketch that comes with it. He and I were able to draw and play games on it at the same time. It was cool watching him draw on it, then I could draw on the same one. It's amazing how something simple can become so much fun in an LDR.

I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed, and I hope others on the forum will have better ideas than I've had. Being in an LDR is not for the faint of heart, for sure.

[Ahava]

I think you can't really force someone into doing something they don't want to/isn't their thing.
As Piratemama said people show love differently.
Not many guys are into writing letters and especially in this digital age.
I know what you mean though. All I get in the mail nowadays is invoices

Instead of focusing on what he doesn't do why not focus on the other good ways he shows you he loves you?
Be happy about the countless Skype conversations. A lot of people on here complain about not getting enough time from their partner on Skype.
I have never gotten a letter from my boyfriend, it's just not his thing. But he shows me by contacting me everyday and by texting to ask how am I etc, that he cares.

[differentcountries]

The love languages is about stretching to show love the way they prefer. So he appers a bit lazy or busy or maybe he did not get what you tried to tell him. If he does not want to buy you something and then post it, he could order you something and get it delivered directly to you. Many websites have such gift option. Be happy for the stuff you have, but it is ok to ask for something you really want. You might get it. Or it can stirr up a conversation so that you can have your needs met some other ways.

[80anthea]

If my SO sent me a letter through the post I'd be calling the US security service to report an alien abduction! It's just not the way he shows his love, he is however incredibly caring and loving in other ways. I agree with what Ahava says: unless it's a huge issue for you focus on what he does, not what he doesn't do.

[Moon]

This might be an issue you'll need to let go of, unless it's an absolute deal breaker for you.

In almost 5 years, I've never received anything from my guy in the mail. Would I like to? Yep, of course, but I know it's not his thing. I could pester him about it, but then he'd only do it to shut me up, and that kind of defeats the purpose. Instead of dwelling on it, I think about how he somehow manages to stay awake pretty much every night, just so we can chat for an hour, which means he'll be getting maybe 4 hours of sleep at night. I think about all those little things he does for me when I'm visiting, like all my laundry, which I hate doing. I think about how I'm the first person he seeks council from, when he needs it. I think about how ridiculously silly he'll be to get me to laugh. There are a ton more, but I think you can see what I mean. Don't focus so much on one little thing, keep looking at the big picture.

Also, if you still want him to mail you something so badly, why don't you approach it in a more lighthearted, teasing manner? He may feel less pressure that way, and surprise you someday.

[differentcountries]

Did he write you letters or give you gifts during the time when you were cd?

[bluedelphine]

Thanks for all the lovely responses everyone, they've been really encouraging.

Just to clarify some of the things people have mentioned. One of the reasons this has been so frustrating to me is at one point he was living in France and he absolutely hated it there, so he actually wrote letters a lot (and I reciprocated) because he didn't have much to do and felt really trapped because of where he was and his situation. Well now our situations are sort of reversed. I am in a position where where I am living is not the best and I am very frustrated. So I think what's frustrating me the most is that I did what I could when he was in a bad situation (and he wrote loads of letters) but now that things seem to be pretty good for him and he's in a good environment it just seems he's sort of forgotten what it's like to feel what he did when he was in France.

But yes, you guys are right, I should try and focus the things he does do. Like telling me online, through text messages, skype, etc. how he feels and how we generally do have fun together even though we're apart.

[JoeyBug]

Just wanted to add that with my SO, the only things I've recieved in the mail from him after things like Christmas presents and a few things for my carer's daughter that we couldn't get in the UK...even then there is usually no letter or note, but he does send emails. It seems that you're looking to what he does do now which is important, I hope that maybe in the future you get that long awaited letter

[TravelingSolider]

So I think what's frustrating me the most is that I did what I could when he was in a bad situation (and he wrote loads of letters) but now that things seem to be pretty good for him and he's in a good environment it just seems he's sort of forgotten what it's like to feel what he did when he was in France.

Wow, I wrote a huge response to your original post and then I saw this and had to erase it all. LOL. Anyway, now I totally understand what you're saying and I don't think it's "petty" at all. I don't think it's fair actually. When things were looking down for him he was all into the letter writing, but now that fortunes have reversed he's sorta turned a blind eye to your plight. Totally not cool! Have you really pointed out how truly slighted you feel? Have you role played this scenario with him? Asking something like..."What would you do if...?" I'm sure if he put himself in your shoes he'd see what he was doing wasn't right. I mean, he's been in your exact position so I don't understand how he couldn't relate and see the errors of his ways. Good luck!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I have learned that people show love differently. He is simply not a gifts person. I would think he'd want to try, though, as much as you've asked. Not getting something can hurt, I've been there, but please focus on the Skype talks. Spending time with you may be his way of showing love, and Skyping may be his way of doing that. Try to change up the Skype sessions some, so they aren't listless to you. Try games, singing, asking questions, eating together, doing anything (even folding laundry) together. My SO and I do lots of different activities on Skype, and we enjoy them all. We never get bored. Recently, we tried Synaptop which is another thing similar. I don't care a lot for it, but we did enjoy the Sketch that comes with it. He and I were able to draw and play games on it at the same time. It was cool watching him draw on it, then I could draw on the same one. It's amazing how something simple can become so much fun in an LDR.



I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed, and I hope others on the forum will have better ideas than I've had. Being in an LDR is not for the faint of heart, for sure.

I totally agree, and it is something I have had to realize and accept as just the way my SO is. He is much more demonstrative on Skype, than on chat. He does chat with me on Facebook several times a week, as he has time, but he has a very demanding job and home life, whereas I am retired, and have lots of time, so I can spend time planning creative ways to have more fun with him. I am more verbal than he is, and more lavish with the I love yous, and sometimes he feels a bit overwhelmed and I have to tone down a bit. He doesn't tell me as often, but he leaves no doubt in my mind that he does love me, just by the things he does for and with me. Skype is really a lifeline for us, and we have so much fun with it, and on chat, too. We have watched sports online and cheered his favorite teams together on Skype, we have lunch on Skype sometimes together, and he has taken me to places he goes to like the mall, the beach, etc. via Skype video. We are all very blessed to be living in a time of technology and Social Media. It's like it was tailor-made for LDR communications. We probably wouldn't have met without it, being from other countries, so far away.

[Anoulie]

Have you told him, directly, "It makes me feel sad when you don't send me letters although I do"? He can't read your mind after all.

My SO hasn't sent me anything either (well, he did for Christmas, but apparently it got lost in the mail so he's gonna give me stuff when he comes to visit in 27 days), but at least he feels really bad about it He's forbidden me from sending anything else for now because it makes him feel like a crappy boyfriend